A/N: OK, I know this is short, but NaNoWriMo is about to start so there won't be any updates for a month. I know I haven't update din a while, but I haven't given up this story yet; I swear! Don't worry; I'll finish it if it's the last thing I do.

So, I'll see you all in December! Happy Halloween and Thanksgiving!

Disclaimer: I only own Ermliana. Everything else is the lovely Sherwood Smith's.

Thinking is Tiring

I feel
As if I'm looking at the world through the bottom of a well
Lonely
And the only way to beat is to bat it down
And the only way to beat is to bat down…
--Mike Doughty, "Looking at the world from the bottom of a well"

I didn't believe him. Alaerec? In love? With me? I was short and slim, with few curves, unlike the fashion of the time. I was very short compared to Alaerec, who towered over me.

On top of that, I was barely seventeen—still a child. Though I had matured greatly since my mother's death almost three years previous, I still thought like a child. I still was a child. Alaerec was an adult—destined to leave on his tour of the world after Ermliana's Flower Day.

So, at least a year without him here. And he would probably meet some ambassador who was tall and thin and graceful, and fall out of love with me—that is, if he was in love with me in the first place. Which he wasn't.

Life! I thought as I lay on a cushion behind a little-used shelf in the library. It was hopeless. I suffered from unrequited love. End of story. And he wasn't going to know…it would just make things awkward. I could hardly face him as it was.

The bells chimed second-green, and I winced. I had shirked on Court duty today; I had more important things to think about. And Ermliana's party was tonight…and the bathhouses would be empty. Time to relax, I decided, returning to my rooms and grabbing a towel and fresh gown.

The bath was heavenly; hot and soothing my aching muscles. I sighed as I tilted my head back and dumped water over my hair.

I hadn't realized it had gotten so long; it reached nearly to my waist. Of course, it was nothing compared to Yolandis' of Tlanth—hers was at least knee-length. I finger-combed the damp locks and sighed again, dunking my head under the water. "I never knew thinking could be so tiring," I murmured aloud.

"It's not supposed to be."

I whirled, my hair smacking me in the face as I did so. Ermliana stood there, looking half-amused, half-rueful. "I should've figured you'd be here today," she said. "You seemed rather…off this morning."

I gave her a careful smile. "I've just had a lot to think about," I said.

"Bull," she said, smiling slightly at her use of the servants' term. "You're a bad liar sometimes, Lessie. At least to me you are." She hopped into the bath, catching her breath as the hot water his her body. Dunking her head, she came up, twisting wet curls on top of her head, and said, "It's about Alec, isn't it?"

My mouth moved without my brain telling me to, and before I knew it I said, "How did you—" and then cut off, totally confirming it.

And Ermliana knew it; she burst into laughter, shooting a grin at me. "Well, if I hadn't known already, that would've confirmed it. Look, Less, I see things, too. I have a penchant for romance novels, remember?"

I rolled my eyes. "Thank goodness that the scribes have more important things to do than write most of those down."

She opened her mouth to counter the argument, and then shut it again, raising an eyebrow. "Trying to get me off-subject, are you? Well, I'll admit you're good, but it's not going to work; I know you and Alec too well. You're more alike than you think you are." She looked at me knowingly, and said, "You're in love with him, aren't you?"

I ducked my head, suddenly very interested in my fingernails as I let my hair hide my blush. Ermliana said, "Don't hide it from me, Less; I'll get it out of you somehow. You know it."

I did know it. So I looked up and said, "Yes, I am in love with him, and no, you may not tell him, and no, I'm not going to tell him, either. Alec's leaving on his tour of the world tomorrow—he hasn't announced it, and he's not going to. But he's packed, and he'll leave without much pomp or circumstance, and find some pretty ambassador that will make a good Remalnan ally. He'll fall for her and they'll get married and have beautiful tall children together. I'll eventually find someone else to love and we'll all live in merry hell for the rest of our miserable lives."

"Wow." Ermliana's voice was flat; she was surprised and disappointed. "When did you get so cynical, Less?"

"When I started thinking about things rationally," I said calmly, masking the fact that I felt like I was being torn in two. No one, not even Ermliana, could know that.

Ermliana opened her mouth to speak, and then shut it once more. Heaving a huge sigh, she said, "Look we'll talk about this later."

I gave her a small smile. "You're right; this is your day, and we shouldn't be fighting—or doing whatever this is."

She grinned at me again, apologetically. "I'm sorry; I shouldn't have brought it up."

And that was it. We talked of mundane things for the rest of our baths.

ooo

The party was fun, and certainly memorable, but nothing terribly interesting happened.

Well, Debegri did show up, and Arthal, as always was a pain, but I remember the party was so joyful and fun and a little punch-drunk that no one's mood was really ruined.

And Arthal wasn't so bad; she was just ambitious. Granted, an ambitious nine-year-old was a little troubling, but she was a Merindar, and we weren't related, so it wasn't my business.

But still, the memories I have of the party are happy ones, albeit slightly fuzzy.

But I was heading to my rooms at around third-white when I ran into Alaerec. He had left the party a little bit before, saying he 'needed to get some rest so he could be prepared for the nightmare that was Court.' Ermliana and I exchanged looks at that, but let him go.

But when I ran into Alaerec, I felt my brain sober slightly. I was still a touch euphoric, but my vision cleared.

I pressed my index finger into his chest hard, and glared up into his eyes. "You're leaving, and we know it," I said firmly, "and if you think you're going without a goodbye, then you've got another think coming."

All right, so maybe I was drunker than I thought.

Alaerec laughed and led me to my rooms. "That, Lessie, was why I was coming to see you. I wanted to say goodbye. I'll be leaving soon, probably around first-gold, so I just stopped in the ballroom where Ermliana was laying around moaning about the hangover she'll have in the morning and bid her farewell."

I smiled thinly at him. "Alec…I'll miss you."

He grinned, a real, boyish grin that I always treasured, rubbed my cheek with his thumb, and said, "Of course you will, Less. But I'll be back in a year for your Flower Day. I promise."

My heart was thudding, and my cheek tingled under his finger. I was way too drunk for this. And I'd only had three glasses of punch…was that enough to get this badly drunk? I'd had more before…

"Alec?" I asked softly, feeling tears prickle the back of my eyes. "You won't bring back any crazy wives that don't speak Remalnan or Rensare, right?"

He chuckled softly. "What makes you think I would bring back a wife, let alone more than one? I have everything I need right here."

The bells sounded out the sign for first-gold. I flung my arms around Alaerec tightly. "Come back soon, you silly man," I whispered into his chest. "You were pretty dumb for not telling us. Ermliana and I had to figure it out on our own."

"I knew you would figure out, so I thought you didn't need to know." Alaerec said amusedly.

I looked up at him, seeing his shimmer through my tear-filled eyes, but didn't let go of my grip around his waist. "You're good, Alec," I said, grinning. "Real smooth."

He lifted one had from my waist to brush away the tears that were beginning to run down my cheek. One slim finger brushed my lips, and we both froze.

And there we were, staring at each other, and for one brief second I thought he was going to kiss me again. I felt my eyes begin to drift closed, and—

The sounds of the day starting outside my door startled us both out of our reverie. "You'd best be going," I said, letting go of him. "Don't want anyone to know you're leaving," I teased, trying to lighten the air.

He grinned at me cheekily. "Exactly." Dropping a kiss on my forehead, he left.

My hand drifted to my forehead as I watched the tapestry drift shut behind him.

Life, I had it bad. How was I going to survive?

Frankly, I didn't know.