Author's Notes: And so begins the sequel to Because Nature Favors Disorder. Do you have to read that to get this story? Probably not, as I did actually start writing this one first, and did complete quite a bit of it before starting BNFD. But if you haven't already read BNFD, I'd be thrilled if you did and dropped me a review. That said, I hope Equal and Opposite Reaction is received as warmly as its predecessor.
I know this first chapter is a bit short. Think of it as a prologue . . . we're just setting the stage here.
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with Gilmore Girls, the WB, or any other companies involved in the show's production. But if they happen to be hiring . . . I am so willing to move it's not even funny. I also have nothing to do with Tom Petty, who's songs are providing chapter titles once again.
Chapter One: Somewhere Out My Doorway
The sun poured in the curtainless window warming Jess's bare back. He groaned and buried his head under a pillow. He didn't want to wake up. Waking up would mean that he would have nothing to do but think. To think thoughts that he didn't want to have. Unfortunately, the sun was relentless, and he was already awake. The thoughts came unbidden anyway.
Rory had called last night, but that was only the trigger to the thoughts. They actually extended back further. Four years back to be honest about it. Four years ago he had left her to come out here to California and try to understand his father. Four years ago he left Rory because he decided that, even though he loved her and the idea of being apart was hard to bear, he had to figure out how to be the type of man she deserved and not one that made her cry. After one awkward and not at all thought out letter, some strained initial calls, and a few agonizing months of no contact at all, they had settled into a long distance friendship punctuated by two very memorable visits. It wasn't the relationship they had in Stars Hollow, at times it wasn't even a pale shadow of the rockiest parts of that relationship, but he was grateful that she'd forgiven his harsh departure and allowed him to remain a part of her life in any capacity.
Her last visit had been almost two months ago, and he had had some news for her. He was finishing up the community college courses he had been attending out here, and he was thinking of moving back to New York to give an actual university a try. He had gotten to know his father better, they were actually something close to friends now, but Jess missed New York. Missed the noise and the speed and the excitement. And he missed Rory. She was about to finish up at Yale, and graduate school was looking like it was going to be her next step. Jess hadn't known at the time, but she was looking seriously at schools in New York as well. When she had told him that, his heart had leapt.
In the four years that they had been apart, they had each been in what most people would have termed a serious relationship, spending months with people that had loved them with out realizing that both Rory and Jess still belonged to each other. Once the one sided natures of those relationships had been noticed by the other people involved, they'd ended abruptly, and neither Jess or Rory entered another relationship after that . . . until they'd decided to give each other another try. Initially it had been a very long distance relationship, sharing phone calls and letters, but that had all changed when Rory'd surprised Jess by showing up unannounced at Jimmy and Sasha's one night. It had been awkward at first, Rory behaving alternately shy and seductive and Jess trying to keep up with her rapidly fluctuating moods, but once they'd found their comfort zones again, there wasn't any keeping them apart. They held hands when they walked, couldn't help but lean against each other when sitting around his apartment together, and felt no shame in stealing kisses on the sidewalk or ducking into doorways to give them freely. And at night . . . at night they had made love like it was about to be declared illegal, and they had to satisfy each other before that happened. It had been over three years since they had slept together during her incredibly emotional first visit to California, but neither one had forgotten the places that made the other sigh or cry out in pleasure. Jess had never been so content, and he was actually counting the days until he returned to New York like a little kid waiting for Christmas.
However, last night something had changed. Rory called, she had been with increasing frequency since her last visit, but she had sounded different. There was a distance in her voice, and Jess thought he had heard her start to cry softly before she ended her call. He knew there was something that she needed to tell him, but she seemed afraid to do it over the phone, and he hadn't figured out a way to get her to tell him before she had abruptly ended the call. In that moment he understood how he had made her feel years ago, all racing heart and racing thoughts. It was horrible, and he hated the boy he'd been all over again.
He had been left alone to think about all the possibilities of what she had wanted to tell him. Unfortunately, the only one that seem plausible to him was that she had met someone else. Their extended weekend together had been a mistake for her, and she was trying to find a way to let him down easily. Jess imagined the type of man that could have taken her away from him. A proper, blue-blooded Yalie that her grandparents would approve of, that they might have even introduced her to. His name would be something silly and old family like Percy or Blaine, but everyone would call him Scooter or Chipper. He'd be a doctor or a lawyer or have an MBA. He'd never let her be the foreign correspondent she still wanted to be. He'd want Rory to stay at home and be a proper society wife, join the DAR like her grandmother, and drink tea. She'd be miserable, but Jess couldn't think of a way to stop it. He had no money, a GED, some community college credits, and only vague plans for the future. And he couldn't possibly compete with her grandmother's wrath if he tired to break things up. That woman was a well groomed demon with no concept of mercy.
Jess was about to will himself back to sleep to dream of breaking up a marriage between Rory and Chipper, like the end of The Graduate but bloodier, when the phone rang. He wanted to ignore it, but something in his gut tugged at him. It was important that he take this call.
Dragging himself out of bed, he crossed the room and snatched the phone from its cradle. "Yeah?"
"Jess? Jess, it's Luke." He sounded nervous and fidgety. Luke was never fidgety.
"Yeah, I figured that out. What's going on?"
A deep breath shuddered over the phone. "Jess, I think you need to come back here. Something's happened . . ."
The bottom dropped out of Jess's stomach. "What, Luke? Did something happen to Rory?"
"How did you . . . never mind. Look, Lorelai just took Rory to the hospital. I don't know what's going on, but you need to get back here."
"Luke, you do know something else. What's going on? What's happened to her?" Jess was now pacing the room and trying to figure out how much money he had to spare for a plane ticket back to Connecticut earlier than he'd planned on buying one.
"Jess, I really don't know what's going on. Rory was home staying with Lorelai for the weekend. They came in this afternoon for lunch like they always do. I went into the kitchen, and the next thing I knew Rory was on the floor, doubled over and crying in pain, and Lorelai was screaming for me, and . . . God, Jess I don't know. I helped get Rory into the car, and she just kept crying and whimpering your name over and over. Lorelai hasn't called to tell me what's going on, but I just have this feeling that you have to get back here."
"Okay, okay." Jess was rushing around his tiny apartment throwing things into a bag. "I have to call work, and Jimmy, and the airport. I'll get there somehow and as soon as I can. I'll call you when I get a flight."
Luke cut in, "Jess, can you afford a ticket on such short notice? Do you need me to wire you some money or something?"
"No. No, I should be able to scrape it up. I was saving up to come out there in a couple of weeks anyway. I'm still a little short, but I'll figure it out." A frightening thought hit Jess, and he stopped still in the middle of the apartment. "Luke, you don't think she'll . . ." his voice cracked and he couldn't ask the question.
"God, no, Jess! Don't start thinking like that. She'll be okay. Just keep saying that."
Jess nodded dumbly even though Luke couldn't see him. "Right. Look, I should get on trying to get a flight. Call me if you hear anything?"
"I will. Listen, do you want me to tell her you're coming if I get to speak to her?"
Jess thought for a moment. "No," he finally decided. "No, don't tell her." He didn't want her to know he was coming if she was only going to tell him to turn around before he got to her.
Luke made a frustrated noise but didn't argue. "Okay, Jess. I'll talk to you soon."
"Yeah. Bye, Luke." Jess hung up before his uncle could say anything else and then sat on the edge of his bed and wept silently.
Eight hours later, Jess found himself on a plane landing in Hartford. The ticket hadn't cost as much as he'd expected, but it was still a lot. He was twitching his fingers against the arm of his seat and willing the plane to land faster. Luke was waiting for him at the gate. The last time they'd talked, Luke had said that he didn't know anything else about Rory, but like last night, Jess knew things were being kept from him. And like last night, he was assuming the worst.
He'd thought his fears were about to be confirmed when he saw Luke standing there, looking grim and ashen. Jess must have looked ill or about to faint, because Luke quickly grabbed his arm to steady him. "She's okay, Jess. She's gonna be fine."
"What's wrong with her?"
Luke sighed, "I don't think it's my place to tell you, Jess. She's got to do that herself."
Jess raked a hand angrily though his hair. "Why is it that suddenly no one is telling me anything? Last night it was Rory keeping things from me, and now it's you."
"You talked to Rory last night?" Luke sounded surprised. They were now walking outside to the truck.
"Yeah. She wasn't herself though. She had something to tell me, but she wouldn't. Like she was afraid of what would happen if she did."
Luke started the truck. "Maybe she was," he muttered.
Jess slammed a fist into the dashboard. "Damn it! Would someone just tell me what the hell is going on? I'm twenty-three years old! I can take it, and I'm tired of being in the dark!"
"She had a miscarriage, Jess!" Luke was clutching the steering wheel with white knuckles as he guided them through traffic toward Stars Hollow. "She was pregnant, and she had a miscarriage."
Jess sat silently, trying to process what he'd just been told. He felt flushed and sick. He asked the first question that popped into his head. "How pregnant was she?"
"Doctor said about six weeks."
Spots swam in front of Jess's eyes. It had either been his baby, or there had already been someone else on the horizon for her when she'd been with him in California. "Pull over," he gasped.
Luke looked at him sharply, but when he saw how pale Jess was, he pulled to the side of the road quickly and stopped. They were close to Stars Hollow now, and road was mostly deserted. Luke watched as Jess scrambled down the small grassy embankment next to the road and threw up in the long weeds.
A few minutes later, when his stomach finally stopped heaving, Jess climbed quietly back in the truck. He leaned his head against the cool glass of the window while Luke started driving again.
Finally Jess spoke again, "Did she say who . . . I mean, was she seeing someone here, or . . ." He didn't think it was that likely an option, but with the way she'd been behaving on the phone, he had to ask.
Luke looked at Jess strangely. "You don't know?"
"Know what?"
"Jess, you're the only man Rory's ever . . ."
Surprise thundered through Jess. "But I thought she'd been dating at Yale. There were other guys after me . . . what about Sigmund?"
"I guess they never . . ." Luke swallowed hard. "Lorelai told me once that Rory told her you were the only one she'd ever been with. She couldn't . . . do that . . . with anyone else because she was still in love with you. That was right before she went to see you the last time."
It had been his baby then. There was no Chipper or Scooter or anyone else. He felt frustrated, foolish, and most of all frightened. Jess sighed and tried to calm his racing heart. "The last time I saw her, I told her I was moving back to New York. She was so happy; WE were so happy that week." A tear slipped down Jess's cheek. "I'm still in love with her, too." Quiet loomed in the truck again. "I thought, when she called last night, that she was going to tell me it was all a mistake. I had no idea she was...why didn't she want to tell me?"
"I didn't tell her you were coming," was the only answer Luke had for Jess. They pulled up in front of the Gilmore home. "She's here now. The hospital let her go home right before I went to pick you up. They gave her something to help her sleep tonight, so I don't know if she'll be able to talk to you."
Jess laughed bitterly. "You assume she wants to talk to me. She might not want to see me at all."
Luke reached out and placed a hand on Jess's shoulder. "She'll want to see you. She needs you right now, Jess. You can't let her push you away, even is she tries."
Jess didn't want to think about that. "What about Lorelai?" he asked. "How much does she hate me right now?"
"She doesn't hate you."
"You so sure about that? I knocked up her daughter and then let her go through losing the baby alone."
"Lorelai just wants Rory to feel better. She knows that you didn't know Rory was pregnant." Luke reached across Jess and opened the door. "Just go inside."
Jess sat for a moment longer before leaving the truck and climbing onto the porch. He raised a shaking hand to knock, but the door opened before he could complete the action.
"Hey, kid," Lorelai said quietly. "Come on in." She ushered Jess into the living room and took the bag he didn't remember grabbing out of truck from his hand.
"Where is she?" Jess asked quietly. "Can I see her?"
Lorelai bit her lip. "She's sleeping right now. Jess, sit down." She led him to the couch and sat next to him. "Rory's really upset. She hadn't told anyone here that she was pregnant."
"She hadn't told me either."
"I know. She wanted to tell you last night, but she couldn't."
Jess shook his head. "I don't know why." He looked a Lorelai with pleading eyes. "Why couldn't she tell me? I love her so much. I never stopped. Why couldn't she tell me?" He started to cry, and Lorelai gathered him into a hug without even thinking about it.
"I don't know, Jess. I just don't know." She smoothed Jess's hair and let him cry silently into her shoulder. When he stopped and pulled away from her, she gave him a few minutes to compose himself before speaking. "She's in her room. I doubt she'll wake up before morning, but why don't you go sit with her anyway?"
Jess didn't answer but walked silently to Rory's room. The door was cracked open, and he could see her laying there. She looked so small and fragile. He slipped quietly into the room and sat in the old chair that was still at the foot of her bed. He remembered the last time he watched her sleep. It was back in his apartment with her head on his shoulder and her hand resting over his heart. He remembered the smooth skin of her back under his palms and the soft puffing of her breath against his bare chest, and he wondered if she would ever sleep that way with him again.
Author's Notes the Second: I understand that some might feel Jess has slipped a bit out of character here, but remember it's an emotional situation and everybody's wound tightly. He won't stay fluffy and weepy forever. Promise.