What Never Was, a teen titans fanfic

What Never Was

Dedicated to TheProlificAnonymous, for her story, the first TT fanfiction I had ever read.

Angst: the feeling of utter despair. But wherever there is the capacity for angst, there is also the capacity for hope.

The tower was lonely... barren... cold.

Raven stared up at it, unable to believe that this was the warm, happy home she had remembered so fondly.

Frost covered the ground, making lacy designs on the windows like little white doilies. It was a frigid December day, a week before Christmas. It was rare to find snow in California, even in winter. Even the sky was despondent, with gray storm clouds amassing overhead. There was despair in the air, wafting on the wind like a forlorn god.

She wondered what she had expected to find when she finally made the decision to return back to Jump City where three years ago, a falling out with Robin drove her away. Perhaps she expected them still there, waiting for her, unchanged. Starfire, with her emotive brilliance, Beast Boy, with his comic antics, Cyborg, with his pillar-like strength, Robin, with his confidence... she had wanted all of them to be there, yes. Did she honestly anticipate it? Probably not. She was enough of a realist to know that even Titans don't last forever.

Taking a deep breath, Raven willed herself to take the couple of steps to the tall doors of the Tower. The moment her hands touched the frozen knob, she felt a shudder go through her. This was what dreams arrived at—ice, darkness, and death. She closed her eyes, willing the misery inside of her to calm, and opened one door. It creaked on its hinges, as no one had bothered to oil it for so long, and the wind blew a few snowflakes into the darkness beyond.

Raven entered, closing the door behind her. Remembering the light switch to her side, she groped in the darkness until she found the rusted lever. Pulling down, she heard whirling beneath her, of the private energy source swinging back into labor. But after a few sputtering attempts, the engine died down again, unable to reboot. Raven sighed, knowing this to be another sign of her broken fantasy. Summoning a small flame, she cupped it in her hand and held it out in front of her. The light illuminated cobwebs and dust. A spider scuttled away beside her foot. Raven brushed past a particularly large spider web and progressed up the stairs.

The control room was the same—cobwebs and spiders and dust. She could make out the television and the couch, and the refrigerator still stood where it had always been. Raven moved towards the computers, turning one on. To her surprise, it ran, rumbling with objections to its abandoned state. She accessed the Tower energy files first, able to turn one a couple of flickering lights in the control room and around the halls. For the first time in years, the Titans' Tower held a shining glow in the very middle of its top row of windows.

He scanned the alleys, waiting for a criminal to show up. It was only eight o'clock, and he would have to wait hours before a crook actually attacked anyone, but there was nothing else to do. He flexed his fingers—the icy night air penetrated his gloves, making his fingers almost numb with cold. He had not felt weather this freezing for so long—after the other Titans left, all Jump City could aspire to be was bleak and cloudy. There was no more sun and no more snow. It seemed in a perpetual state of wintry autumn.

Then, he suddenly realized something was... weird. There was something achingly familiar about his surroundings now, something he had almost forgotten. He looked about, expecting to see one of his teammates walking towards him. Instead, he caught sight of the unsteady light coming from the derelict tower.

He scowled. Not again. The kids from last time must have got into the tower for that stupid dare. Crime fighting would have to wait. Even if the Tower was falling into ruin, it was still a place sacred to him as the representation of his golden years. He tottered on the edge of the wall, and then fell towards the rushing pavement. A grappling rope shot out just as he was about to hit the ground, and he swung upwards, pulling himself towards the pier and the island.

Raven entered her room, almost dreading to find what was in it, or worse, not in it. Her name had been scraped off the door—had they removed her belongings, too?

When she left, she had thought it for the best. She had only taken a spare cloak and the Book of Azar with her, thinking that she would be back to get her other stuff. But she never came back. Circumstances didn't agree with her—the day after she left, Slade sent a surprise attack to the Titans. The man also sent an army to track her down. She had barely escaped from Jump City without being detected. Immediately, she contacted the Justice League. However, their only advice was to make up to Robin—and she couldn't possibly forgive him, not then. Raven was forced to go where no one would expect to find her—especially not her friends.

She had missed them, like she knew she would. On stormy nights, she kept wondering what would have happened if the argument between Robin and her had ever been resolved. But telling herself that what was in the past was better left in the past, she went on with mundane, daily life. Her friends in that tiny, wayside town never have suspected that she was a half-demon girl with dark powers.

Raven found the light and turned it on. She stifled a gasp, unable to control the sadness welling up in her. Her friends had not moved anything from her room. On the contrary—excluding a single pink envelope on her bed, everything had been left as it was when she ran off. Dust covered her old books and there were cobwebs on her treasured statues, but nothing had been touched. They had waited for her to return to them—for a time, anyway.

Raven brushed away the mounds of dust mites on the letter. She pressed her nose to the envelope and found herself lost in nostalgia. It smelled of Starfire—candy and mustard and sweetness. She opened the envelope, drawing out a single sheet of paper. Starfire's script, slightly messy from years of scrawling jagged Tamaranian terminology, greeted her almost like an old aquaintance.

Dear Raven,

I do not know where you are or when you will return. I am hesitant to even hope for your homecoming. I am writing this letter because I have nothing else to do. I have found out today, Raven, why you left all those Earth-months ago. I am hurt that Robin and you had such a mean fight. But that is no reason not to come back. We miss you, Raven. I miss my best friend.

I am leaving for Tamaran tomorrow. Galfore says that I need to find a husband and soon because I am reaching my eighteenth Earth-year. I want you to know that, if you ever come back. I am lonely, Raven, not only for a girl with us, but also for you, my dear friend. I am going to Tamaran because there is no purpose on Earth for me, not now that Slade has been defeated and you are no longer with me. Good-bye, Raven. Fare you well.

Starfire.

Raven's eyes glowed red with emotion for a moment, before she closed them and calmed herself. Starfire was gone, to Tamaran, and there was no way to contact her. She folded the letter again and slid it back into the envelope. Going to her table, she placed it on her dresser table between a photo of all five Titans and the paper rose Malchior had once gifted her with.

Why hadn't she returned sooner?

He entered to find footsteps, light and small, against the coating of dust on the ground. Tiptoeing along so that he didn't alert the intruder, he ascended the stairs.

This was Beast Boy's room, she thought as she opened the door. She entered to find it completely barren of the trademark mess that always marked Beast Boy. There was only wall, window, and carpet. His furniture and belongings had all been moved away. She looked around, feeling an ache in her chest. She missed the green changeling, she realized. They had been friends, despite their different natures.

A little object, hidden in the shadows of the corner, caught her eye. She approached it, kneeling down.

The little monkey clapped its little hands together, saying cheerily, "Help me count!" She took it in her hand and pressed it to her chest, telling her tears not to fall. She remembered that night after watching Wicked Scary vividly. Where was Beast Boy now? She ran her fingers over the fur of the little monkey, finally reaching its eyes. A vision pulsed from her fingers to her mind and the toy tumbled from her hands.

"I have to go. There's no point in staying now that Starfire and Cyborg are gone," said the green figure, tossing his clothing and belingings into a suitcase.

"So you're just gonna desert the Titans like that?"

"No." Beast Boy turned on Robin, his normally jovial green eyes narrowed in anger. "I'm gonna desert you. It's your fault that Raven left. It's your fault that Star and Cy followed. It was all because of some stupid little fight between you two."

"How would you know? You weren't there when we fought!" Robin yelled.

"Yeah? What did you say to her, then, that made her leave and never come back?" Beast Boy retorted. His eyes betrayed the Man-Beast growing inside of him and he grabbed his toy monkey, throwing it at Robin. "You drove her away! You drove Starfire away! Now that Cyborg's left, there's no reason for me to stay anymore."

The toy hit the wall and fell to the corner, where it was left ignored and untouched for three years, watching shadows play about the empty bedroom.

Raven rose, taking the toy in her hand again. So Robin had screwed up once more. Where was Beast Boy now? What happened to her friend, the boy with a million forms and all the energy glowing from him? Why had Robin let him leave like that? She vanished the toy, placing it in her room next to Starfire's letter.

The light in the control room reminded him of happier times, where his world didn't only consist of crime fighting and investigation. It reminded him of hours spent playing video games and meals fastidiously ignoring the eternal tofu/sausage dispute.

He despised that light.

Catching a glimpse of himself in the window's reflection, he saw a brooding, angry young man with dark hair to his shoulders, he wondered how he got to this bitter stage. Rubbing at his fingers, only half-aware of the growing pain in his digits as he got warmer, he cast a glance around the room.

Nothing had been vandalized or stolen. The only things the intruder did were to turn on the light and turn on the heating system. His eyes traveled to the recently used door to the bedrooms. He was sure his heart failed. No one had any right to go into the secret places. Glaring, he made for the door, his feet trodding soundlessly on the floor.

Raven entered Cyborg's room. The machinery was dark and cold. His bed—the slab of metal—was bare, dust gathering on the bottom. Raven blew across the top, remembering the care Cyborg alloted to his cherished items. She pondered whether his T-sub and T-Car were still in the Tower. If they were, they would pretty much obselete now, unless she decided to fix them up.

She remembered the afternoons spent in the garage, helping Cyborg tweak his car to perfection. She remembered look of absolute bliss on his face when his baby was finished and gleaming. There was Cyborg's utopia, that cool, brightly lighted garage; the car was the pride of his life... he wouldn't have just left it, would he?

In her investigation of the room, she accidentally bumped into the computer. It turned on all of a sudden, featuring a picture of Cyborg.

"Hmm... I think this is working," he said, working with two green wires. "Is it on?"

Another voice in the background, which she identified as Beast Boy, affirmed Cyborg's question.

"Ok," said Cyborg, looking directly at her from the screen. "This is a recording from May of 2005," he said, his face somber. "My good friend Raven left six months ago. After she left, my other good friend Starfire also left for her planet. It is only the three of us here, no. Just me, Cyborg, my friend Beast Boy, and our leader Robin."

Raven realized that Cyborg did not call Robin his friend.

"I'm leaving this for whoever comes after us... the new Teen Titans, I guess. There's no more reason for me to stay in the Tower. I've been offered a position at a company, so I'm gonna take it. Slade and the Hive have been defeated two months ago, just before Starfire left. Our group is crumbling from the bottom up. I..."

Beast Boy said something inaudible. "Crap. He's coming," said Cyborg. "Gotta turn this off."

The screen went blank.

Raven stared at the black screen for a long time, her mind slowly wading through the history of her friends. So they had all gone, all because of the spat she and Robin had. She brushed away some of the grime with her fingers, knowing that Cyborg would never leave it to this sort of degeneration.

He knew something was wrong. The rooms... the doors... they had been recently used. The dust that he had allowed to spread over the environs had lifted from what should have been its resting place.

He opened the door to Beast Boy's room to find the little marker he left, the little toy, gone. His breathing quickened and his fists clenched in anger.What bastard had the right to do this?

Starfire's room—she had always loathed to enter because of the floor to floor pinkness of it all. But when Raven finally got a good look at the surroundings, the not pinkness of it all shocked her. The pink wall coverings had been ripped off, leaving small triangles of wallpaper at the bottom. The grayish wall itself showed through, giving the room a gloomy ambience to match Raven's. The bed and the pillows and been tossed aside and left there to be gnawed on by the occasional rat. The Tamaranian keepsakes were gone. The scrapbook of 'Earth Memories' was gone. There was no trace of her beloved friend in the room, not anymore.

Raven bowed her head. Three years too late, she returned. Reaching out with her power, she sweeped the entire thing clean of dust, leaving the bare floor with its dull gleam. Tommorrow, she'd recarpet the room and restore it to its former glory. Starfire would approve. Raven briefly wondered how Starfire would react if she returned as Raven was in the middle of her project. She could just feel the exuberant embraces Starfire would give her. Raven smiled slightly, her heart shattering just a little bit. Despite her wishes, Starfire was in Tamaran and would not come back any time soon.

"No," he whispered, opening the door to Cyborg's room. It had been tampered with, too. Whoever it was had ventured in the bedroom without an ounce of respect. The young woman, whoever she was, had made marks on the wall where her fingers trailed along, revealing the white metal underneath the buildup of the years. If she had touched this room and Beast Boy's, he realized with a jolt, what about Starfire and Raven's rooms?

At last, her leader's room. She had never found what happened to him. Robin—cocky, handsome, obsessive. She tried to ignore the aching in her chest.

"She should be able to make her own decision!" Raven yelled, pointing at the girl in the handcuffs. "She shouldn't be forced to tell us where Slade is!"

The young Apprentice to Slade looked up at them, watching them closely through strands of her long white hair, recording their every move, waiting for them to make a mistake and let her get away. Raven knew she would never betray Slade. What she didn't know was what relation she had to their greatest enemy.

"If she knows where he is, then she should tell! He's a criminal and we need to bring him down!"

"You're just upset because you've been chasing him for so long and you haven't caught him," Raven argued. "Don't take your anger out on a girl like her.... She's no older than any of us. Trying to get her to talk is like Slade trying to get Starfire to talk. Do you want that?" Raven glared at Robin, trying to read the expression on his face.

"My name," the girl said with deliberate slowness, spacing out the words, "is Rose Wilson."

Raven looked over sharply, suddenly wishing the girl had kept her mouth closed. This was going to prove too much for her leader. Indeed, it did.

"Did you not hear her?" he asked incredulously, a strange expression on his face, one that she identified as disgust. "Her name is Rose Wilson, Raven. Rose Wilson. Slade's daughter. She's the man's daughter! She knows where he is and I have to get there. She's no good, just like him!"

Rose's eyes narrowed as she regarded Robin, sizing him up.

Raven snarled. "If she's no good, then I'm no good either. I'm the daughter of a demon and one day, I could kill you all!"

"Well then, why don't you?"

Raven's eyes, already wide, grew to the size of saucers. Robin realized he had gone too far, and he reached out to touch Raven's shoulder/ "Wait, I didn't mean it like that," he said, but Raven pushed him away.

"What did you mean it as, then?" she asked coolly. She looked back to where Rose stood, smirking. She would carry this event, when Raven and Robin had fought, back to her father, they knew. But it was no good. Robin had spoken those words and there was no erasing the past.

Raven looked outside of the building, where Starfire, Beast Boy, and Cyborg were engaged in a discussion with the chief of police. If Robin thought like that, then what about her other friends?

"Raven..." Robin said, unable to move. One of his hands was holding Rose's hands behind her back. The other was pressed close to Rose's neck, his knife on her throbbing vein. "Raven, wait."

Raven didn't speak. Instead, she wrapped her powers around herself, a cloak from the cruel world, and sank down into the floor, disappearing from the crumbling building and the Titans' lives.

Perhaps it was high time for forgiveness. Three years was enough. Her fury couldn't keep simmering for so long, particularly not in the face of such tragedy. The fall of the Titans—over her, the demon child.

Raven traced Robin's name with her fingers, reoutlining the black figures on the door. It opened with a slight whoosh and she found herself in a place as immaculate and neat as possible. Dust coated the room, yes, but everything had been left in place. She noticed a familiar T laying under copy of "The Art of War." It was the communicator—Robin had just left it there when he left.

She grasped it tightly, knowing this to be the last trace of the Titan's once dazzling splendor. She wrapped a leash on her emotions and stretched her lips into a smile, forcing her eyes to be bright. She was back. It was all that mattered. Everything else could be rebuilt from the ground up.

Starfire's room—hallowed ground. But this hallowed ground had been blasphemed, ruined. Someone had gone to the trouble of sweeping away the filthy floor. No longer in the state he had left it in, this room could not call up those blessed memories of summer nights and bubbling laughter.

Tears threatened at the edges of his eyes.

Nightwing flinched as the door opened again and he backed out behind him.

Had the intruder entered here as well?

He didn't know if he should enter. So many years. So much time lost. Would she forgive him if she found he had crossed the threshold of her room? But, he reminded himself, she was gone and not going to return. He entered, slowly, unsure of himself. Her room... it looked the same as it had always been. Perhaps the trespasser had not entered. Raven would be happy, that was for sure.

Just then, he noticed the two items on her desk. One, Starfire's letter. The other, Beast Boy's monkey.

The clues came together—the footsteps, the untouched control room... it was she who had come back. Nightwing didn't know whether to rage or laugh or weep. Had she forgiven him for his words, so long ago? Would the Titans regroup, finally? He reached for the items, but the sound of a hand on the door told him to hide. Some part of him was still fearful of her, for Raven was known for keeping grudges. He ducked behind the statue of a giant raven, trying not to draw breath too loudly.

She entered, carrying two things. One was Cyborg's old keys... she had gone to the garage and found the broken T-Car that Cyborg had never bothered to clean up after their last battle with Slade. In the other hand... it was his communicator. He had left it in his room, and she had found it.

His eyes finally raised them from the two objects to look at her, Raven. He was afraid that she would look cold and unapproachable, like some sort of black ice queen. He was also equally afraid that she would be despairing, with glowing red tears coursing down her cheeks. He had only once seen her tears, and it had torn at him and his teammates so much that they started to cry too. Her tears were the world's tears.

She was older, no doubt. Taller by a couple of inches. Her eyes were more narrow, her lips colorless. Her skin was a lighter ashen color than he remembered and her hair reached down just past her shoulders. She wore a longer indigo cloak, and underneath, a white leotard and boots. It was amazing that she didn't feel the cold of the winter. Perhaps she did, but her cloak protected her.

She gently laid the items on her table, then moved backwards so she could see them. She was taking long, deep breaths, and there was something mournful in her stance, as if she was lamenting the fall of the titans. He decided to take that time to brush past the statue and make his way towards her, until he stood near her. He realized she was half a head shorter than him, instead of being around the same height like they were before.

"Hello, Nightwing," she whispered. He jumped, but followed her gaze to the reflection in the mirror.

He smiled. "Hello, Raven," he said. "Welcome back."

"Not much of a home anymore, is it?" she stated, moving her eyes away from the window. She turned to face him. "Not that everyone's gone."

"No," he agreed. "It isn't."

They spent the next few days scouring the Tower, giving it the grandeur of the past. They stripped the carpets, they replaced the windows, they painted the walls. They redid Starfire's room. They refurnished Beast Boy's room. They updated Cyborg's technology.

All through it, they spoke of memories of the past, of afternoons in the park, of nights together, of their lives. They stayed away from the topic of their argument. They were cordial to each other, but both, in their hearts, knew that just the recollection of the disagreement was stopping them from truly trusting each other.

Then, came the day of Christmas. They exchanged presents on the brand-new couch, setting aside their presents for their absent teammates. Nightwing received a framed photo of how they were together, all five of them, content with each other. Raven received a meditation candle inscribed with their five names.

They sat there, staring at their presents, realizing with a pang how much they had depended on each other.

"I was an idiot," she said finally, blinking away the tears coming to her eyes. "I shouldn't have left."

"No, I was the idiot," he replied, marvelling at how happy they once were. "I should not have let myself get carried away. I should have been calm and rational, like the leader is supposed to be."

She smiled at him, her fingers wrapping around the candle. "We were both stupid. Our stubbornness forced the others apart, too. Can you believe it? And all that time, I thought it was Slade or Brother Blood who would destroy us. Instead, it was ourselves. I should have come back sooner."

"And I should have just let go," he said. "There were so many should haves, Raven. All those years, we've done nothing but regret. But look at us here, now. Jump City will be the home of the Titans once again."

"How cheerful," Raven said sardonically. "How do you plan to do that?"

"Maybe we can make up for lost time," Nightwing said, smiling hopefully. "Find Cyborg and Beast Boy, get Starfire back. We can accomplish what never was."

Raven watched him, then repressed a grin.

"What?" he asked, his mask stretching ever so slightly.

"That was the leader I knew, the leader we needed," she said.

"Then," he teased, "we're on the right track, aren't we?"

She didn't reply. Somehow, 'Yes' just didn't quite seem to express the joy soaring in her soul.

Disclaimer: Teen Titans and all that belong to someone other than me, for if it belonged to me, Red X would appear more often.