Standard disclaimer applies.
Weird Newscasters.
Drew: "Surprise surprise. We're back so soon. Guess the author isn't as dead-beat as we had all assumed.
A loud swish is heard and a burning arrow slams into the podium.
Drew: "Umm. Security"
Two burly guys come out, take the arrow while looking around carefully, and back out again.
Jack: "Told you, you shouldn't mess with'er mate. She is one crazy lass."
Drew: "All right folks, we'll move on to the final game for tonight called 'Weird Newscasters'. We'll have James and Will as anchors. James as himself and Will, who thinks James is hiding a sword on him and tries to figure out where it is."
Will and James get up and walk over to the stools placed in the middle of the stage.
Drew: "Jack will be doing the sports, while trying to run away from a cannibalistic Amazonian tribe, who are trying to trap him. And Ryan is doing weather report, and he thinks his wife is cheating on him with someone from the news-team, and he's trying to figure out who it is.
"All right everyone, get in position and let's get started."
The music from the start of the news is heard.
James: "Welcome back everyone. We have breaking news from Germany. The scientists who were researching and trying to find an answer to the age-old question, 'How much wood would a wood-chuck chuck, if a wood-chuck could chuck wood?' And after spending millions of dollars in their escapade, their data is still inconclusive. The German scientists have asked for another 10 million dollars grant and a period of five years to continue the research. And now, over to my co-anchor, Will?"
He turns toward Will who is looking at him suspiciously up and down.
Will: "Yeah, great report James. Bends and looks under James' chair. Wasn't it interesting that they asked for another ten million dollars and five more swords, I mean years."
James: Laughs. "You seem a bit up-tight Will, is everything o.k.?" pats down his pocket.
Will: "Ah hah! I knew it. You are hiding a sword and you plan to kill me because I won the best reporter award and you want me out of the way."
James: "Settle down Will, you're delusional. We will now move on to sports with Jack Sparrow. Turns in his chair. Jack?"
Jack: "Yes. Sports. The entertainment of all things testosterone. Sports is a very manly thing and should only be broadcasted by manly men."
He is seen standing with one raised hip and a hand resting on it, while his other hand is fluttering in front of his face. Will and Norrington slap their foreheads. Jack notices his posture and straightens up.
Jack: "Ah, hehehe. Clears throat. As I was saying, today, all our mates in the sports business did really well. There was an intense match that broke out in an inn in Tortuga. The two participating teams, which were made up of drunken pirates and drunken hobos, did their best to win the match. Although there was a lot of ruckus that went on, including kicking, biting and bitch-slapping, but in the end, the match ended with a draw. As soon as both teams revive from their injuries and/or drunken stupor, the match shall continue.
"In other news, there was a small soccer match that took place today in Port Royal. The first team was made up of James Norrington and his officers, and their opponents were ten-year old little girls. Suffice it to say, Norrington's team lost horribly."
Jack turns and looks to the side.
"Oh no, they've found me. Well anyway, pretends to take an arrow out and shoot at the audience, Yes! Got one. The whole soccer match was very intense, shoots another arrow and ducks and rolls on the floor, the little girls were showing the big bad navy guys no mercy." Pretends to take the pistol and shoots near Drew's desk.
"Oh no you don't. You won't be having any Sparrow for dinner tonight. Although if you want a Swan, that can be arranged. How would you like it, baked, stir-fried or barbequed?"
He is seen shifting from foot to foot.
"Well, it would seem that we don't speak on the same level. Looks to the camera. Well fellas, allow me to give you a play by play of the whole match."
He starts moving around in circles as if running and avoiding people. He is pretending to use his sword and shooting with his pistol. He exits from the side of the stage, and loud war-cries are heard coming from back-stage. He then walks back in, and is pretending to hold a large piece of meat.
Jack: "Hn. They thought they could've had me for dinner. I sure showed them. Looks to James and Will. Would you chaps care for some exotic delicacy? Tastes just like chicken." He takes a huge bite.
James and Will are staring wide-eyed at Jack and at his antics. They clear their throats loudly and turn towards the camera.
Will: "Thank you Jack for that very interesting report."
James: "Yes. And please stay the hell away from me, you mad mad man."
He shifts his chair away a few inches. Jack wriggles his eyebrows up and down and takes another bite.
Will: "Well now over to the weather with our weatherman Ryan. He turns towards Ryan. How's the weather today Ryan?"
Ryan: "I'm glad you asked me that Will. You see ladies and gentlemen, after a whole week of incredibly cold temperatures and wind chills, a warm front is finally moving down south to heat things up."
He is pointing with a stick towards the lower half of the weather map.
"But of course, there is always a cold front when you're referring to my down south."
He points to his crotch and then looks at the anchors.
"I have wondered why that is."
He appears menacing still pointing towards the map.
"It seems that someone has been looking at my hills (holds hands up in front of his chest as if indicating breasts) and valleys (moves his hands down his sides), when I haven't been around."
Drew is laughing so hard he nearly falls off his chair. Jack is doubled over with laughter, and is clutching his stomach.
Will: "That's very interesting observation Ryan. Maybe my co-anchor here has more than a few swords up his sleeves."
Will narrows his eyes and lifts up James' sleeves and peers inside. James smiles widely and snatches his arm back.
James: "Well, go on Mr. Stiles. Any chance that cold front will be moving out soon, or what?"
Ryan: "Oh yeah. Because you see up north points at his head there's a hurricane forming. Let's just call it hurricane Ryan. And when it strikes, no one will be safe. Mark my words, this hurricane will knock everyone and everything down as soon as it figures out who has been messing around with its tornado."
James: "And there you have it folks."
Ryan is seen sneaking up behind James. He looks over his shoulders, grabs his collar and looks closely at it. James is ignoring him.
James: "Please join us next time when we bring you more breaking news and other news that we have put back together."
Ryan: "Ah hah! I see a red lipstick type marking on your shirt. That's it buddy, you're going down!"
He pretends to take a sword from his side.
Will: "Gasp. It's was you!"
He gets off of his seat and points at him while backing away. Jack sneaks up behind Will, and grabs him around the middle.
Jack: "That's it little Willie, come to Jack. I'll protect you from the big baddie."
Will screams in a high pitch voice.
Will: "You are all nuts. Someone get me out of here, they're all after me!"
:Buzz:
All the chaos stops and they all return to their seats.
Drew: "That was a really good game you guys. And I guess I'll award 10 points to Mr. Norrington for finally being a little funny at this point of the show."
James looks sour and mutters under his breath.
Drew: "All right folks, since we have come to the ending of the show, it should be obvious who the winner, or should I say winners are. By unanimous vote, both Jack and Ryan are tonight's winners."
Jack and Ryan get up off their seats and bow to the audience. They then walk towards each other and share a small hug, while congratulating each other.
Jack: "Good show, mate. And good game."
Ryan: "Likewise bro, likewise."
The audience laugh and clap softly. Jack and Ryan go back to their seats.
Drew: "Well ladies and gentlemen, we had a lot of fun. We laughed. We cried. And some of us have become scarred for life. Please join us again soon, when we bring you a lot more fun and games. Until then, take care and good night."
He grabs his coffee mug and gets out of the podium. Loud ending music starts to play, and all the contestants are standing around talking amongst themselves.
The End.
AN: Well? What did you guys thought? Should I continue on and do more comedic fics, or just stay away from that genre? I would love some feed back from you guys. You have been totally awesome. I love each and everyone of you, who have taken their time to not only read, but to leave a few words. Thank you from the bottom of my little heart