The explosion that had ripped through the embassy had all the characteristic markings of a Middle Eastern terrorist attack. The popping sounds before the actual explosion were the sounds of certain mechanisms within the bomb itself moving into alignment. It was chaos and mass confusion as the dust began to settle and people started to come out of wherever they had taken cover. People were crying hysterically, calling out names of those they couldn't locate, and there was a great deal of noise from the alarms and sirens that were blaring. Dazed confusion, grief, and abject terror were etched on people's faces along with blood and dirt. Nearly everyone had been hurt and apparently many were now trapped under various sized blocks of concrete. Lee was one of the lucky ones.
Staggering to his feet, Lee tried desperately to see in front of him. He wiped the wetness from his face and realized it was blood running from a gash in his scalp, just above his left eye. He grabbed a napkin from the floor and pressed it against the wound to staunch the flow of blood. When he could see, he took a good look at the destruction in front of him. Amanda was somewhere in that.
Lee felt a tremendous lump form in his throat and his heart began to pound loudly in his ears. Panic set in and Lee raced to the tremendous pile of rubble. He couldn't even see the balcony he had made Amanda stay on. He looked towards the other balcony and saw that the entire platform of it had disappeared in the explosion.
"No." It was a whisper at first. Then, as the hopelessness of the situation began to make itself apparent, he repeated it and the one word became the echo of all the anguish of wasted time and the heart wrenching sorrow he now felt. "No!"
Lee nearly dove at the pile of concrete, ripping chunks away, clawing at debris until his hands began to bleed. He heard the cries of people who were trapped and saw the crushed bodies of those who had not been so fortunate. He looked frantically for a way to get closer to where Amanda had been and climbed over the rubble to be as near as possible. Paramedics and rescue teams were arriving and began the task of removing the stone, but they weren't fast enough for Lee. He had to find Amanda.
"Lee! Where's Amanda?" It was Joe King and he looked nearly as frantic as Lee.
Lee turned and Joe saw the terror in his eyes. "She was on this balcony just before the explosion."
Joe looked at the pile of rubble blocking what was left of the opening that had been the balcony. "Oh my God," he whispered.
Lee and Joe worked together, neither one stopping to think about what would happen if they found Amanda in anything less than perfect condition; neither one wanting to know how the other felt about her. They worked for what seemed like hours but was probably closer to half an hour, when Lee's heart felt like it stopped and his stomach clenched tightly in fear at the sound of Joe's strangled voice. "Oh God, no."
Lee turned to look at what Joe had discovered. There, under a huge block of jagged concrete, was a glimpse of red sequined material covering a bloody leg. It looked like Amanda's dress. There was no way the person whose leg they could see had survived the explosion.
Lee could hear Joe's voice, but couldn't understand what he was saying. He couldn't focus on anything except the red dress. His heart was hammering, his stomach was wrenching, and his eyes began watering. He felt sick. Suddenly he couldn't control his legs and he crashed to the floor, retching violently until his stomach was empty. He shakily wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, but his eyes continued to burn with tears. Images and memories flew through Lee's mind: that fateful day at the train station, Christmas Eve spent in a cabin surrounded by hostile forces, the "wedding" in San Angelo. The memories overwhelmed him and, for the first time since he was a child, Lee Stetson cried.
Shuddering sobs wracked his body as he cried and he knew his life would never be the same. He had allowed Amanda to do what he had sworn no one would do ever again; she had broken through every barrier he had ever erected around himself. Every layer of that barrier had been another betrayal or death. His parents' deaths had been the foundation of the barrier. His uncle's coldness, the second. Dorothy's death, Eva's supposed death and then betrayal, his first partner's death; the list went on forever and with each hurt, another layer had been added to this wall. Amanda had persistently chipped away at that wall until she had made it to Lee Stetson the man and not Scarecrow the agent. And now, when he was most vulnerable, her death had destroyed him.
A sudden realization struck Lee that doubled him over in anguish. He had killed her. It was his fault just as surely as if he had shot her with his gun. He was responsible for bringing her in to this business. He had allowed her to stay involved. He had even brought her to this party where she had died. Everything he touched, everyone he ever loved, wound up being destroyed. How was he going to live with himself? Amanda had two sons; they had just lost their mother because of him. Dotty had lost her only child. And Lee had lost the woman he loved.
With the realization of that, Lee thought he would lose what little control he had left. He loved her---and he had never told her. Instead, he had played games with her and had wasted the precious time they had together: time he could never get back.
A hand touched his shoulder and Lee looked up into Joe King's tear stained face. The silent communication that passed between them said it all. In that one moment, Joe knew Lee was in love with Amanda and Lee knew Joe understood. Joe sank to his knees beside Lee and drew in a shaky breath.
"This can't be happening," he managed to say, shock evident on his face and in his voice. "God, this just can't be happening."
Lee stared at Joe, a numbness beginning to spread throughout his body. He had been man enough to tell Amanda he loved her; Lee had never said those words. Amanda had died not knowing how he felt. "I never told her," he whispered.
Joe looked up at him. "You never told her what?"
"I just needed a little more time, that was all," Lee continued, oblivious to Joe's question.
Joe frowned, perplexed at Lee's comments. "Lee, what are you trying to say?"
Lee looked up at him as if seeing him for the first time. "I love her. I never told her I love her." Anger, fear, and pain all welled up inside of him at once and Lee violently struck out at the nearest thing he could hit. His hand smashed into a block of concrete as he cried out in anguish. He hit the block again and again, bloodying his hand before stronger hands grabbed him from behind, preventing him from further self-inflicted torture.
"Lee! Lee, stop it! Listen to me, that won't help anything. You have to pull yourself together!" Joe tried reasoning with him and managed to get Lee to calm down enough that he stopped struggling in his grasp. Lee stood up, shaking off Joe's grip and looked around him at the mess the explosion had created. "Lee, we need to get someone to look at your wounds," Joe prodded, motioning not only to the damage he had inflicted upon his hand, but also to the nasty gash in his scalp.
Lee allowed himself to be led to a makeshift paramedic station and was coaxed to sit down while an EMT worked on him. He sat quietly, unable to come out of the seeming trance he had fallen in to. The EMT was still working on him when a harried-looking Billy Melrose appeared.
"Lee! Thank God! When we heard about the explosion we feared the worst. It took me forever to get in here. I was worried sick about you!" The relief on Billy's face was clear but he noticed his agent was unresponsive. "Lee? Are you all right? What's wr---"
"She's dead," Lee cut in quietly.
Billy frowned. "Who's dead?"
Lee looked up at him now and Billy saw tears streaming down his face. "Amanda. I told her to stay on the balcony. The next thing I knew, the explosion leveled this place. Joe King and I found her under a piece of the ceiling. She's dead." Lee had spoken in a monotone voice, the syllables of every word flat and emotionless.
"I don't think you re---"
"I killed her, Billy. It's all my fault. I told her to stay on the balcony. If I hadn't done that she might still be alive," he cut in, still in that expressionless voice.
"Lee, listen to me. Aman---"
"Billy, I can't live with this. What am I going to do? I can't---I mean I don't---" Here Lee began to trail off, his voice cracking with the emotion that he had been denying in front of Billy. Another wracking sob escaped him and he stood up, pushing the EMT's hands away. He had to get out of there, away from the scene of Amanda's death. He didn't know where he wanted to go; he only knew he had to leave. He pushed past squads of police and other emergency personnel and made it to the doors of the embassy. He walked out into the front yard and made his way to the gates, showing his federal ID to gain access to the street. Dozens of reporters and other people were lined up on the other side of the police barriers, trying to gain a better vantage point from which to view the carnage. He thought he heard his name being called and immediately made his way to where he had parked his car. He didn't want to talk to anyone else from the Agency. He had to get away from here. He had to leave before he broke again.
He made it to the car and stood there for a few moments. He was breathing hard and knew he was about to lose control again. He fumbled with his keys, trying to unlock the door, and dropped them. They fell under the car and Lee bent over to pick them up. As he straightened up, he heard Billy calling his name and saw someone running towards him out of the corner of his eye. He turned just in time to be thrown against his car, the wind knocked out of him. He braced for the rest of the attack, but realized that the person had her arms wrapped tightly around him and was clinging to him for dear life. The woman was sobbing uncontrollably and he stiffened as he tried to push her away. It was then that he caught the light floral fragrance and suddenly he felt his knees buckle. "Amanda?"
She pulled back and wiped quickly at the tears that were running down her face. "Lee! I was so worried! The last thing I saw after the explosion was you falling to the ground. I thought you might have been crushed under the concrete that fell. I knew I had to get back in to see if you were okay, but I had to climb down from the balcony first. I'm not a very good climber so I slipped a few times, but I managed to get to the ground. By the time I made it around front, they weren't letting anyone in. I tried to explain I had already been in there and needed to see if you were okay, but they insisted I stay outside. Then I saw Mr. Melrose and I told him everything that had happened and he spent forever trying to get in. He finally got in and then I saw you come out and I tried to call to you but you didn't hear me…." Amanda was talking a mile a minute and she hadn't taken a breath yet. Even she couldn't make it through any more so she paused to take a breath. She meant to finish her story, but it was then that she realized Lee was breathing hard, nearly gasping for breath, and concern flooded through her. "Are you all right? What's wrong? Lee? Talk to me. You're scaring me."
Lee grabbed her and pulled her into his arms, nearly crushing her in an embrace. She was alive! She was alive and obviously unhurt and standing right in front of him. "You're not dead," was all he could manage to say.
Amanda shook her head, returning his embrace. Lee released her long enough to look her over, then, taking her face in his hands, he kissed her. His mouth took hers hungrily, pouring out all his frustration and fear. He moved to her cheek, her jaw, her throat, tasting every inch of her and burning each kiss and each sigh indelibly into his memory. "God, oh God, I thought you were dead. I thought I saw your body under the rubble. I thought I had lost you forever after I had just found you." His voice was raw and deep, the relief he felt and the passion that was beginning to replace the anguish evident. He pulled away, looking into her eyes, those chocolate brown eyes he thought he would never again see.
"You thought I was dead?" Amanda managed to whisper, locking eyes with him. "I thought you were, too." Tears welled up in her eyes and began to run down her cheeks. "I thought I would never see you again."
Lee clutched her to him again, stroking her hair and whispering nonsense words to her, trying to quiet her down as well as calm himself. He inhaled deeply, smelling the scent that was unique to Amanda and cried again; this time they were tears of relief and joy.
Amanda pulled away from him, looking up to see him crying. She reached her hand up to wipe away the tears and stared in wonder at the wetness on her hands. When she returned her gaze to search his face, Lee bent to kiss her again and this time, when he pulled away, he vowed not to waste any more time.
"When I thought you were dead, I---I felt like a huge part of me had been ripped away. 'Manda---I love you," he whispered. "I have for a very long time. I just didn't know how to tell you….how to take that risk. I didn't know----I---," Lee trailed off, realizing he was beginning to ramble.
Amanda took his hand and brought it to her mouth, kissing it lightly and then holding it to her breast. She looked down at his long, slender fingers entwined in hers and shook her head. She couldn't believe it. Lee Stetson had told her he loved her. Just now….right here….he loved her!
Before she could reply, Billy appeared next to them. He took in the scene quickly and realized something was happening between the two of them. He smiled and rested his hands on both their shoulders. "Thank God you're both all right. I don't know what I would have done if either one of you had been hurt badly. Lee, did you finish allowing the EMT to dress your wounds?"
Lee looked at Billy as if seeing him there for the first time. "I don't know. I wasn't thinking very clearly."
Amanda realized that he had a bandage at his hairline and dried blood was caked in his hair. "Oh my gosh, you're hurt!"
"It's nothing. It doesn't even hurt any more," Lee replied, touching it with his hand.
"Lee! What happened to your hand?!" Amanda released the one she held to take his other in her hand, examining the torn and bleeding knuckles and fingers.
Lee drew a breath in sharply and winced at the light pressure she exerted on his hand. "I don't know," he lied.
"It looks like you hit something pretty damn hard with your fist. I think you might have broken something," Billy broke in, examining his hand. "We need to get you to a hospital."
"No! No hospitals! It's nothing, Billy. They're sore and a little bloody, but I can flex them so they're not broken. I'll just bandage them when I get home," Lee interrupted.
"Let me see," Amanda demanded gently, looking his hand over. It did indeed look like he had hit something. She wondered what had happened, but that wasn't important now. She needed to get him somewhere where she could bandage his hand for him since he would refuse to go to the hospital. "I can take care of it for you. Do you have bandages and antiseptic at your apartment?"
Lee nodded his head, still slightly dazed that Amanda was indeed alive and standing right in front of him.
Billy nodded his head. "Amanda, I'm putting you in charge of making sure he gets taken care of. Do whatever it takes. Scarecrow, I'm ordering you to take care of that hand. Get some rest and report in tomorrow afternoon. We'll go over what's happened here and see if we can't start tracing some leads down. But I want you to get some rest, so don't even think about coming in to the office until after lunch, do I make myself understood?" Lee nodded and Amanda agreed to help. "Amanda, stay with him and make sure he obeys my orders, okay?" Billy smiled again. "I am truly relieved that you're both all right. I don't know what I would do without you two."
"Thank you, Sir," Amanda replied.
Billy leaned over and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Goodnight, you two. Get some rest."
As Billy walked away, Amanda turned back to Lee. "Give me your keys. I'll drive back to your place."
Lee handed her the keys and got into the car, unable to take his eyes off her for a minute lest this all be a dream. When they got to his apartment, Amanda led him into the bathroom where she dug bandages and ointments out of his medicine cabinet in order to fix him up. He sat on the edge of the tub in somewhat of a daze as she worked on his hand. She was quiet and he knew something was bothering her. Lee wondered if it was his proclamation of love that had caused her subdued manner. Had he done the wrong thing by telling her how he felt?
"Okay, I've done the best I can. They're going to be awfully sore in the morning. You should take something now. I'm sure you have a headache from this," Amanda said as she gently brushed the hair away from his forehead in order to look at the bandage there. "Does it hurt much?"
Lee shook his head and took her hand in his. He stood up and felt the room sway a little. Amanda steadied him and concern flooded her voice. "Do you think you might have a concussion? Here, let me help you out of here." Amanda led him out of his bathroom and sat him down on his bed. "Don't lay down. If you have a concussion, you shouldn't go to sleep. How about I make some coffee?" She got up to go to the kitchen.
Lee grabbed her hand and turned her to face him. "Amanda, what's wrong?"
She looked down at him and suddenly tears sprang into her eyes. "Lee---I was so scared tonight---I---I thought---," Amanda trailed off, unable to finish her sentence. She allowed herself to be pulled down onto the bed and he wrapped his arms around her, rocking her gently like a child. She cried in his embrace and finally, when she had calmed down, she pulled away to look into his eyes. She took his face in her hands and shook her head. "Oh God, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone in my life."
Hearing those words from her for the first time sent Lee's heart into his throat. He swallowed hard and then smiled at her: the smile he reserved for only her. He kissed her then, kissed her like he had promised himself he would if God would only allow him to have a second chance. Lee had his second chance now and he was going to make sure he never regretted anything with Amanda again.
The intensity of the kiss changed and Amanda wrapped her arms around his neck. His hands lightly traced the contours of her shoulders and arms, making their way around to her back and down the length of her spine. She shifted in his embrace and her hands began to follow the same route on him. Her mouth opened to him and the light touch of her tongue against his lips drove him to open his mouth as well. Their tongues collided and a soft moan escaped her lips as Amanda felt his hands brush against her breasts as he pulled her body closer to his.
When Lee pulled away, he was breathless and found it hard to concentrate on anything except the beautiful woman in front of him. Two thoughts had entered his mind, though, and he had to voice his concerns. "Amanda," he began.
"Hmmm?" She answered, kissing her way down his throat.
"Amanda, what about your mother? She'll be worried sick about you with the explosion and all," he continued.
"I called her shortly after it happened to tell her I was okay and that I probably wouldn't make it home tonight because of the police questioning and all." Amanda continued her onslaught by unbuttoning the top two buttons of his shirt so that she could begin to kiss his chest.
Lee nodded and found it increasingly difficult to speak. "I don't want you to think you have to do this, Amanda. I don't want you to think I told you I love you just so I could get you here---I mean---I want---," Lee was stammering by now, as Amanda finally stopped her ministrations and looked into his eyes.
"Lee, don't you think I know that?"
"I know how you feel about relationships. I just want you to know that I'm not taking this lightly. I *do* love you, 'Manda," Lee answered.
"Tonight drove home a lot of things for me. There was a time I would never dream of doing this, but life is too brief and too fragile to have any regrets. I don't want to regret another day of my life," Amanda said quietly.
Lee leaned in and kissed her lightly on the tip of the nose. "I feel the same way. Tonight, when I thought I had lost you, I hated myself for not being man enough to tell you how I felt. I don't know what I'd do without you."
She smiled at him and shook her head again. "I can't believe this is really happening. I can't believe that you are sitting here telling me things I've only dreamed you would say."
Lee laughed lightly and pulled her to him. "Let me show you how much I mean what I say." With that, he began kissing her throat and she immediately shivered in anticipation. Her hands wandered slowly down to where she had left off unbuttoning his shirt and continued the rest of the way, pulling his shirt tails out of his pants and gently pushing the shirt off his shoulders. He slipped out of it the rest of the way and Amanda ran her hands over his bare chest appreciating the hardness of his muscles.
Lee found the zipper at the back of Amanda's dress and urged it down until it would move no farther. He slid her dress down around her waist and then languidly allowed his hands to trace their way up her sides, coming to rest at her breasts. He gently cupped each one in his hands and lowered his mouth to her shoulder.
Amanda laid back onto the bed, drawing Lee down with her and he used the opportunity to trail feather light kisses from her shoulders down to her breasts. His pulse quickened as he heard her moan when he took a nipple into his mouth, flicking his tongue lightly across it. Her hands traveled down to his belt and worked at removing it and his pants. Lee looked at her in amusement. "I never knew you could be like this."
Amanda managed a smile. "There's a lot about me you don't know, Scarecrow." With that, she pushed her dress down and off her body and took him into her arms, pulling him close and luxuriating in the feel of his bare chest against hers.
It was Lee's turn to moan this time. Just the sensation of her skin against his was driving him wild. Her hands were working their way down to his waist and he felt her hands brush against him, sending shock waves through his body. He hooked his thumb into her undergarment and pulled it off her body, at last exposing every inch of her to his eyes. He looked at her hungrily and began trailing kisses down her stomach and across her thighs. Her hands tightened on his shoulders and constant soft moans escaped her lips. His hands caressed her, finding all the pleasurable places on her body and she twisted and grasped at the pillow on his bed.
Between his mouth and his hands, Amanda thought she might very well go mad with pleasure. No one had ever made her feel like this. This was what people felt in romance novels, not in real life. At least that was what she had thought until tonight. She felt a desire burning so hot within her that it turned into a need, an almost animal need for him to complete her. She was pulling at him before she realized it, urging him back up to her mouth. She kissed him again and again, tasting him as well as herself. She wanted to give him everything she could. Amanda began making her way down his body, kissing him and moving down until she made it to his waist. She pulled his boxers off his body, exposing all of him to her eyes. When she took him into her mouth, she felt his body convulse and heard a deep, rumbling moan issue from his parted lips. His eyes were closed tight and his uninjured hand had come to rest in her hair. She paused for a moment, reveling in the sight of him and then he was urging her to continue her attentions to him.
Lee felt himself teetering on the edge. She was driving him wild and he couldn't take much more of the pressure of her mouth on him. He pulled her up the length of his body and luxuriated in the feel of her nude body pressed hard against his. She was the perfect fit to him, their bodies molding together as if they were two halves of the same person. He wanted her so badly that he could barely restrain himself. He rolled her over onto her back and gently stroked her cheek. Her eyes opened and the love they held for him was so clear that he had no doubts that he had finally found the woman he had never believed existed for him.
Amanda reached up to gently caress Lee's face. She looked into his beautiful hazel eyes and saw so many things there: passion, desire, love. She also saw the slightest hesitation there. He was looking for her approval and she granted him it. As she kissed him, she quietly whispered against his mouth, "I want this so much. I want *you* so much."
He needed no further urging. Locking his eyes on hers, Lee lowered himself, pushing against the softness of her. She opened to him, guiding him to her and raised her body up against his. He moved slowly, burying himself in her. She gasped at the feeling, closing her eyes in ecstasy. He kissed her then, a kiss that started out loving and gentle but that changed in intensity as he began rocking his body against hers. Soon she was gasping for air as he pushed her beyond every limit she had ever known. Amanda wrapped her legs around him, imploring him with her body to take everything he wanted. He moaned her name, wanting to take her with him. With each thrust, he could feel her body tightening around his, hot and wet, and he knew by the sound of her voice that she was as close as he was. He shifted his position and drove harder into her, and then she was crying out, calling his name over and over. Hearing his name on her lips like that drove him past the edge and then he was falling down the other side into oblivion.
The morning sun was peaking though the window of his bedroom when Lee awoke. He was a little disoriented at first, but then he realized where he was and who he was with. He looked down to find Amanda's head resting on his chest, her hair covering her face. He brushed it lightly to one side and she stirred in his arms. It felt so incredible to have her there, waking up with him. This was so right.
"Good morning," he said quietly as she opened her eyes.
She looked around for a few moments and then smiled. "Hi." She raised herself up on one elbow and searched his face. "So, this wasn't another one of my dreams?"
Lee smiled devilishly. "Oh, you've been dreaming about me? How often?"
Amanda raised her eyebrow at him. "I don't think I should tell you. I think it might swell your head and you really don't need that after that knock you took last night."
Lee pulled her to him and kissed her, long and lovingly. "Last night was wonderful and horrible at the same time. I don't think I could ever go through that range of emotions in a single night again."
"I presume that the horrible part was the explosion and nothing else?" Amanda joked lightly.
"Of course. The rest of the evening was---amazing. You are amazing," Lee replied, stroking her hair.
Amanda smiled. "I love you."
"I love you, too. I have always loved you. I just needed a little more time." Here Lee leaned in to kiss her again. "And I'm so glad I got it."
Amanda touched his cheek in response. "So am I."