You Touch Me

Lyrics taken from 'I Touch Myself' by The Divinyls

It's odd, you know. Being alive again.

Well, not being alive, but living. Yes, there is a difference. For so long I was neither dead nor alive, but in a shadowy limbo of purgatory; trapped in a golden prison – a gilded cage, if you will – of my own making.

The Millennium Puzzle.

And now that I am alive and living once more, I have had to relearn everything. Thankfully Yugi has helped me with most of the adjustments I've had to make in my return to life…but there is one thing not even my other half could help me understand.

My own heart.

I love myself; I want you to love me.
When I'm feelin' down I want you above me.
I search myself; I want you to find me.
I forget myself; I want you to remind me…

It was hard, at first. Getting used to being a person in my own right. I love Yugi, he is my other half. But getting used to the fact that I wasn't just a part of him was harder than I thought it would be.

I had to learn not just to love being a part of Yugi, but to love myself as well.

Luckily, I had Yugi to show me the way. He already loved me, so I just followed his lead.

All right, so maybe treating life as a game isn't the best template for learning, but it was all I had. For so long, I only existed to play games. To play and win.

I love to win – and thusly, I also hate to lose.

But if I had to lose…

I'd like to lose to him. Seto Kaiba. Duels on the turrets of Pegasus' castle aside, I have never lost. Yugi was the one who made us forfeit that time.

Why, one might ask, would I want to lose to my greatest rival? Surely I couldn't be that self-sacrificial?

No, I'd want to lose to Kaiba…to Seto…because he understands what it's like to have to win at any cost. During that duel on Pegasus' tower, when he gave me his ultimatum, I saw admiration in his gaze when I refused to back down.

And confusion, when Yugi forfeited.

The one thing that has always simultaneously amazed and bewildered me was that Seto Kaiba was the first person to see me.

Not even Yugi knew I existed at first; for so long he was convinced he had a split personality or somesuch psychological problem. That I was truly just the coalescence of his darker impulses, given life by the stresses of his life. And I was – but though I didn't remember it, I had a life of my own once. I still had a personality of my own, and though I might have been the darker half of his soul, I was still me. We were, for all that we were each only half a soul, a whole, complete person in our own rights.

All of Yugi's friends – and they are Yugi's friends, first and foremost, for all that I have befriended them as well – see me as an extension of Yugi, not as a person in my own right. But I am not Yugi; nor am I anything like him. But since the first time they knew of me, they – as well as Yugi, for that matter – thought I was just Yugi's subconscious desire, his unconscious mind, they have a hard time remembering that I'm not just a part of Yugi. Yugi knows differently now, and since he and Téa have been dating, I think she's come to understand as well. But I have been considered Yugi's other personality for so long…

It's hard for people to realize that I am more.

I searched my soul – or at least the half of it that I could call my own; after all, Yugi possesses the other half – to figure out just why I was having these feelings, but I couldn't come up with anything. One might find it strange that couldn't analyze my own thoughts, even after five thousand years of existence (if not life) but I wasn't exactly 'awake' for all those years I spent trapped in the Millennium Puzzle.

Seto reminds me of my forgotten past. Not only because he was there, but because he has his own demons that haunt him. he knows what its like to live in the darkness, while simultaneously craving the light and knowing you can't have it…yet.

Seto was the only one who didn't have any problem adjusting to the news that I did truly did exist. For all that he shuns and sneers at magic, he knew of my existence first. He knew me. He was truly the first person to see me as an entity in my own right; to 'find' me, so to speak.

And I'm…glad.

I don't want anybody else.
When I think about you I touch myself.
I don't want anybody else…
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no…

I'm glad that no one else knows me as well as he does – besides Yugi, of course, but that goes without saying.

Why am I glad? I don't really know. I only know that whenever I think about him, I get this warm feeling in my heart. It's somewhat like the feeling I get whenever I talk to Yugi in our soul rooms – that feeling that you can't get any closer to another person. It's also somewhat like the thrill of victory I feel whenever I beat a worthy opponent – most often the people who fall in that category can be summed with two words:

Seto Kaiba.

Yes, I have had more honorable opponents, but Seto is the only one – besides Yugi, natch – that I deem worthy. It's not that Joey, or Mako Tsunami, or Mai Valentine aren't good duelists…

But Seto wasn't the World Champion for nothing.

I'm still not sure what this feeling I have about him means. It's almost as if my forgotten memories know what it is, because its name is almost on the tip of my tongue. It's almost like I could reach out and touch it – but when I do, it's gone.

Very frustrating.

It's as if he…touches something inside of me.

I wonder if it's my heart?

You're the one who makes me happy, honey.
You're the sun who makes me shine.
When you're around, I'm always laughing.
I want to make you mine.

Speaking of frustrating…

Kaiba's been acting weird the past few weeks. He's been…nicer.

Not that anyone who didn't know him well could tell he was being nicer, but I like to think that I know him better than anyone – well, besides Mokuba, but then that also goes without saying – and I can always tell when they're something different about him.

He's stopped teasing Joey as much. He hardly ever calls him 'mutt' anymore, though 'puppy' is still used with unvarying frequency, most when Joey's being silly.

Really, he was asking for it, chasing that chipmunk around the park for stealing his French fry. He had an entire plateful; what was one fry?

Hearing Seto say, "Do you chase cars, too, puppy?" made me laugh. And he was wearing that damnable smirk of his, too, which only made it funnier.

Even Joey could see the humor in the situation, though that didn't stop him from trying to dump ice down the back of Seto's shirt.

It's odd – not many people would consider Seto Kaiba as someone who could make them happy. But he does. Make me happy, that is.

Every time we end up in the same place, he always talks to me. Normally it's not much more than a few sentences; I'm not sure you could even consider it a conversation – but he always has something to say to me. And it's almost never about Duel Monsters, either, which is a nice change.

The others knew me first as Yugi's Duel Monsters playing protector, so they think I like nothing better than talking about Duel Monsters. And while it is a large part of my life…

It isn't the only thing in my life. Just like food isn't the only thing in Joey's, dancing isn't the only thing on Téa's mind…and Kaiba has more to do than run his company and take care of his brother.

These things may be paramount in our minds at most times, but they aren't all we are. Not by a long shot.

Seto reminds me a lot of myself, actually. Unsure of our place in the world, not quite sure how to relate to people – though I'm just considered 'quiet' while Seto used his own brand of sarcasm and anger to put people off before they could hurt him – determined to be the best at whatever we do – though games are really my only forte, while Seto has his computers and his company – and almost insanely protective of our 'other halves.'

People – and yes, I'm thinking mainly of Joey in this instance – think Seto scorns friends and every one of the softer emotions.

But when Mokuba embodies everything that Seto professes to hate…

You have to wonder.

Or at least I do. I sometimes think that even if he were my other half instead of Yugi, I still wouldn't understand him any better than I do now.

And strangely…that thought appeals to me. A lot. The idea of him being mine, and yet still a mystery to me. A puzzle that it would take the rest of my new life to figure out.

I close my eyes and see you before me.
Think I would die if you were to ignore me.
A fool could see just how much I adore you.
I get down on my knees; I'd do anything for you…

Every time I close my eyes and try to sleep, I dream of him. At first I thought it was because he was my greatest rival; most of the dreams were about dueling him. But then they started changing…

In one of those dreams, I challenged him to a duel, and he said, "No thanks, Yami, I have better things to do," and left.

I woke up soon after that and felt…crushed. Bereft of Seto Kaiba's attention – even if it was only in a dream – I spent the next few days in a listless stupor.

It was only when Yugi said I was scaring him that I snapped out of it. Apparently he thought I was going to commit suicide.

Suicide? Me? Having spent so long trying to get to life again, and he thinks I'd just throw it away over a bout of depression?

But I must admit, I didn't exactly look like the picture of health. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep – for fear of having more of those depressing dreams – and I didn't go near Yugi's and my deck of Duel Monsters cards.

That last one was probably what worried him the most. Duel Monsters may not be the be-all and end-all of my life – then or now – but I was always the King of Games. And to suddenly not be able to stand the sight of my favorite one…

Well, even I admit Yugi had just cause to worry. Maybe not as much as he did, but Yugi always did hold concern for his friends above anything else. That's why he and Téa get along so well.

It was Joey who brought to my attention that my feelings for Seto went beyond those of a rival; in fact, eclipsed those of a friend.

Amazing how he could see it…and I was clueless.

It nearly brought me to my knees when I realized that…

I was falling for him.

Falling in love with Seto Kaiba.

I don't want anybody else.
When I think about you I touch myself.
I don't want anybody else…
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no…

I shouldn't have come as such a surprise, I suppose. When the dreams changed.

Changed…or maybe they just…evolved.

I have – or, rather, had – no idea.

But I had these dreams… Very disturbing, at first, and even once I figured them out, I still wasn't all that fond of them. They're normal, or so I read in Yugi's Biology textbook. 'Nocturnal emissions' they're called, but most people know them as 'wet dreams'.

Personally I think the whole business is at best messy and at worst embarrassing.

Embarrassing…terrifying…

For it wasn't just that I woke with my sheets sticky and no memory of how they got that way. Oh, no. I could remember every single second of those dreams.

And who I was in them with.

Seto Kaiba. I'd only just discovered my own not-just-friendly-rivalry feelings for the man, and then I start touching myself in my sleep while dreaming of him.

Most disconcerting, I can assure you.

And the thing is…if I had to pick someone to have those kinds of dreams about…

It would be Kaiba. I don't want anybody else to make me so…vulnerable.

Except Yugi, but we've already been over this, right?

But I'm not exactly sure what this means for my future relationship with said duelist. And I'm almost afraid to find out.

I love myself; I want you to love me.
When I'm feelin' down I want you above me.
I search myself; I want you to find me.
I forget myself; I want you to remind me.

I'm not exactly sure what I'm getting into here. With Kaiba.

No…Seto. He told me to call him Seto.

Why, you might ask? Because we're…dating…now.

It actually came as a surprise to me, too. I didn't plan to tell him how I felt about him. No, certainly, if I had, I wouldn't have done it the way I did.

Let me explain. I'd just had a duel with Kai– er, Seto. I'd just had a duel with him – and won, of course – and we involved in our usual bantering back and forth. Well, usual when no one else is around. Apparently Seto has no problem – or at least not much of one – acting like a human being around me. But not where anyone else can see him.

Anyway, Seto said something along the line of the fact that he loved having such a worthy opponent, and I, without thinking, said, "I love you, too."

You could have heard a feather drop in the silence that followed.

Now, normally that sentence could have been taken in many different ways, and he might have shrugged it off as sarcasm on my part, or even just a teasing joke.

Except…

I facial expression and tone of voice were completely serious.

And – I still wince at this part; Japanese is great for saying exactly what you want to say, but not if you actually don't want to say it – I used the formal, romantic wording for 'I love you.'

Yes, you guessed it – I said, 'Aishiteru mo.'

It figured I'd do something as stupid as declare my love for Seto Kaiba in a way which could be construed as a proposal of marriage. It made me wish I'd promise Yugi not to open too many Shadow portals or I would have opened a hole in the ground and let myself disappear.

Of course, when you're at your lowest low, feeling more down than the point of an inverted pyramid…things can only get better.

He said, "That's certainly the most sincere marriage proposal I've ever received, but…"

And yes, in case you're wondering, I winced, closing my eyes, preparing for the blow.

Which never came.

"…but don't you think we should date for a while first?"

I opened my eyes and almost fainted at what I saw. Seto Kaiba, the Ice Prince of Domino City…

…was smiling at me. And it wasn't one of those victorious smirks, like he gets whenever he duels someone other than me, or one of those vicious sneers, like he gets whenever he has to do corporate battle with some idiot that he works with.

It was a real, honest-to-Ra, happy, genuine smile. Small, yes, but still…

Forget about hearing a feather drop, you could have knocked me over with one.

And now…we're dating.

Me, the formerly nameless Pharaoh of ancient Egypt, now just an ordinary high school student, is dating Seto Kaiba, formerly my High Priest and now the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company.

Am I the only one who sees the irony here?

I don't want anybody else.
When I think about you
I touch myself.
I don't want anybody else…
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no…

But then, I personally see irony as just another name for destiny. No matter what happens, it seems I am fated to end up with Seto Kaiba as my side.

Though I am glad that in this life he's not my cousin. That would be just too weird.

Especially since I don't think I'd care. I love him too much to let anything as insignificant as a blood relationship get in the way.

Of course, just because we love each other, doesn't necessarily mean things are all sunshine and roses. We're both strong-willed people who hate to lose. Some might say we're too alike for our relationship to work…

But I've never really believed that whole 'opposites attract' thing anyway. Except for Yugi, but he's a special case.

But then again, so is Seto – in his own way.

Yugi will always be the other half of my soul. But Seto is the other half of my heart.

I couldn't be without either one of them. And as long as I have them both in my life, I don't need – or want – anybody else.

I want you.
I don't want anybody else.
And when I think about you
I touch myself.
Ooh, oooh, oooooh, aaaaaah…

I don't want anybody else.
When I think about you
I touch myself.
I don't want anybody else…
Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no…

Now that I finally have him, I'm not about to let him go. And no matter how difficult it might be – having a relationship with Seto Kaiba – I'm not about to give him up. I don't want anybody else; no one else could touch me like he does.

Physically…mentally…

Emotionally.

He doesn't just touch my heart; he touches my very soul. I think that's why we were able to find each other again in this life.

And that's how I know we'll be okay. Because even when he's mentally a million miles away working on his computer, or I'm caught up in my own pursuits…

Our hearts and souls touch.

And that's all that really matters.

THE END