OK people, this is my first LotR fanfic, and thank god it is not a Mary-Sue. There are WAY too many of those around. P.S. The characters aren't meant to be in… uh… character. It's easier to write these if I can bend them to my will. I'm not trying to compete with the genius of Tolkien by any means here.

DISCLAIMER: Don't own, can't sue.

FICLET NUMBER 1

Frodo was eating Ritz crackers.
'Can I have some?' asked Sam.
'No… my preciousssss…' replied Frodo.
Sam threw a crab at Frodo. 'Meanie.'
'Ow!' Frodo cried.

FICLET NUMBER 2

Gimli was humming 'Lily the Pink'.
Stop that,' said Legolas, hitting him with a dead kipper.
'Dude, you threw off my groove,' whined Gimli.

FICLET NUMBER 3

Pippin woke up with a scarf around his eyes. 'Merry? Why is there a scarf around my eyes?' he asked,
Merry crept up behind him. 'POLO!' he yelled, hitting Pippin's shoulder.

FICLET NUMBER 4

'My legs are so hairy,' said Legolas.
'Uhhh… Wax them?' replied Aragorn.
'Where do I get wax from?' asked Legolas.
'I dunno, maybe Haldir has some,' answered Aragorn, continuing to eat his pie.

FICLET NUMBER 5

Merry and Pippin were decorating cupcakes.
'Fo shizzle my nizzle,' said Pippin.
Merry was so surprised he sprayed writing icing all over Eowyn's kitchen. 'What was that?' he asked.
Pippin fainted.
Merry turned on Sam. 'Have you spiked Pippin's ale again?'
Sam looked shifty. 'Mr. Frodo will be wanting his bath soon,' he said, and ran off.
Merry snorted. 'Pervert.'

Well ok, that's enough for now. Mind blanking out on the ideas front… Any offers for future stories? Chocolate for all reviewers! Well, in spirit anyway, cos you can't zap chocolate all over the world…