The long-awaited update!

-Carter's Cooking-

This had to be a new record. Jack had been amused, humiliated, scared out of his wits and aroused all in one day. He was having more mood swings than a cheerleader on PMS. Currently, Jack was pissed. He had flown hundreds of planes in his lifetime, the best and fastest the Air Force had to offer. He had even flown into space, but now Jack O'Neill was stuck in traffic.

It wouldn't even be so bad, but for every minute that Jack was stuck in traffic, Sam was telling more and more people about his irrational fear of crawfish. The fear had been dying down, but seeing a real live crawfish come tumbling onto his plate unlocked a lot of childhood trauma.

Sam, of course, was ecstatic that he could now be the butt of jokes after all the hell he had given her about her cooking.

Finally, Jack reached the mountain base, dashing into the complex and glancing around with a look of bewildered anger.

"Where is she?" He demanded, grabbing the collar of the nearest airman and shaking him throughly.

"W-w-w-ho S-s-s-s-i-r-r?" replied the airman.

"CARTER!"

"Ha-v-v-v-en't see-e-e-e-n h-h-h-e-r!" Shouted the airman. "S-t-o-o-o-p s-s-s-h-a-k-i-n-n-n-g m-e-e-e-e-e!"

Jack gave him one more shake for good measure and ran down the corridor.

SJSJSJSJ

The door to Jack's office was slightly ajar and consequently, Jack's Black Ops senses were on high alert.

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaa DUM!" Jack threw open the door, turning on the lights. The room was empty of people.

Jack frowned. Jaws theme music was not a good fit for breaking into his own office.

Whistling James Bond, Jack sat down at his desk, kicking his feet up. His hum came to a strangled halt at the sight of the hundreds of crawfish resting on his phone, desk, shelves and floor.

"REE REE REE REE!" Psycho theme song

Jack screamed.

Loudly.

SJSJSJSJ

Meanwhile, Carter was rolling around on the floor of her own lab, laughing hysterically at the sight of Jack O'Neill on top of his desk, kicking crawfish left and right and screaming even louder when he discovered that they rebounded off the walls.

"CARTER! YOU ARE A DEAD WOMAN!"

Infirmary

"Colonel?"

Jack twitched slightly. Janet sighed, turning to General Hammond and the rest of SG-1. Sam, however, was notably absent.

"Too much fear, sir. His mind simply shut down. He's gonna have to stay here until he gets over his fear."

"Of what?" Hammond asked.

Janet stifled a laugh and held up a small plastic bag with a dead crawfish inside.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Jack sat up screaming, too scared for words.

"Doctor Fraiser, put it away!" Teal'c said, obviously trying to hold back laughter at Jack's expense. The bag disappeared into Janet's lab coat and Jack promptly slumped back against his pillows, twitching every now and then.

"What are we going to do, General?" Daniel said as they left the Infirmary. "We have a mission in two hours."

"Major Carter will be leading the team since this is a routine meet-and-greet."

Routine. HAH!

Two hours later

Sam smiled widely upon seeing their welcoming party on P3x-466.

"Welcome, travelers! Please, come. We have prepared a feast in your honor."

Sam grinned again and unwrapped a small bundle in her arms.

"Great! I brought dessert!"

SJSJSJ

"Open the iris!" Hammond commanded, wondering why the hell SG-1 would be returning six hours ahead of schedule.

Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c came running through the Stargate, obviously terrified. A few beams of weapon fire made it through just before the iris closed.

"Major! What the hell happened?"

Sam straightened up, still panting.

"Well, we sat down with them for a feast they had prepared in our honor and..."

"And?"

Sam shrugged. "I thought it would be polite to bring dessert. Pie, actually."

"YOU GAVE THEM PIE!"

Sam cringed. "Yes...sir."

"Do NOT tell me they ate it!"

Sam looked distressed now. "Well, they didn't eat it, exactly. One bite and they kinda spit it out. Next thing I knew, we were being fired at."

"Briefing in one hour, Major!" Hammond's face was bright red with anger.

"Yes sir," she replied meekly.

SJSJSJSJSJ

Sam sat at Jack's bedside, grasping his hand.

"Jack, I'm so sorry. You were right. My cooking sucks. I just destroyed diplomatic relations...with a PIE!" Sam sobbed, burying her face in his chest.

Jack stirred slightly, wrapping his arm around her shoulders.

Sam looked up, eyes shining. "Can you ever forgive me for putting crawfish in your office?"

"And?"

"In your lunch."

"And?"

"In your underwear drawer, file cabinet, tackle box, shower and locker."

"Thank you."

Sam rested her chin on his chest, smiling as he pulled her onto the bed with him, holding her tightly.

"They can smell fear, ya know," he whispered darkly.

Sam sighed and promptly fell asleep.

Briefing Room

Daniel looked up from his doodles.

"I don't think she's coming."

-Five Years-

Alright, that ended up being longer than I thought! Please review!