Ways To Kill The Fop

Erik stared at the wall again. Bored, as usual. Ever since Christine left, there was nothing to do!So Erik began to ponder the first thing that came to his mind…

How could he kill Raoul?

Erik drifted off to sleep with a small smile on his face.

-

It was midnight. A dark shadowy figure climbed through the window of the Vicomte de Chagny's home. Besides a dark cloak that covered his whole body, there was a glinting white mask.

The figure glanced around the room. The washroom. He went to the vanity, which the Vicomte certainly used a lot, and opened the drawer. The figure, Erik, glanced through the belongings. Brushes…makeup—hopefully Christine's- … Viagra? Erik stifled a giggle. Figures.

Then he found what he was looking for. Hair dye, toothpaste, gel, and mouthwash. Erik pulled the hair dye from the drawer. His cynical grin grew wider. Did the Vicomte have some grays already? Or was he a natural blonde?

Erik pulled the lid off and smelled the odd mixture. Roses. Erik rolled his eyes. He set the bottle down on the countertop and opened the sack that he carried over his back. His hand came out clutching a bottle of hot pink dye 49. Erik dumped the whole thing into the container and shook it. Then he smelled it again. Roses. Good. The man would never guess until it was too late. Erik slid it back into the drawer.

Next the toothpaste came out of the drawer. Erik reached into his pack again and retrieved another bottle of dye. Erik removed a syringe from his pocket and got some of the dye into it. Taking off the lid of the toothpaste, Erik inserted the tip of the syringe into the tube. To get the dye all through the tube, Erik capped the toothpaste and squeezed it until he was confident that the dye was tainting the "whitening" toothpaste.

After the toothpaste had been replaced, Erik took out the bottle of gel, and from his pack a small tube of something he liked to call "super glue". Erik looked at the bottle. "Firm Hold", it read. He laughed. Yeah. This'll be some firm hold. Raoul better wash his hands after use!

When the gel was replaced, Erik looked to the finishing touch. The bottle of mouthwash. Inside of his bag was the last thing. Erik dumped the entire contents into the mouthwash and shook it gently. Not enough to really get it bubbly, though.

His handiwork finished, Erik escaped out the window. Morning would bring interesting things to the Vicomte's home.

-

Raoul stretched and looked out the window. Another beautiful day. Climbing out of bed, he circled around the bed and kissed his sleeping wife's cheek. She stirred slightly but didn't wake.

Walking into the bathroom, Raoul stared at his face in the mirror. Oh, he thought, I'm so handsome. No wonder Christine married me.

Opening the drawer, Raoul pulled out his morning objects that he always used. Hair dye, just in case his hair wasn't looking too great that morning; toothpaste to brush his teeth; gel to style his hair, and mouthwash to freshen his breath. Usually he just took some of the mouthwash along to work, instead of using it right after he brushed his teeth. He planned on doing that today.

After using the hair dye, Raoul wrapped the towel around his head and waited ten minutes for the dye to set. Then he washed his hair and got out his toothbrush. Squeezing some of the paste onto his toothbrush, Raoul cocked his head. That was odd. Yellow toothpaste. He hadn't remembered it being like that! Well, must be a new one Christine bought. Raoul brushed his teeth and thought nothing more of it.

Raoul looked into the mirror and smiled. Then the grin faded. What in the world? His hair was pink! Hot pink! And his pearly whites weren't so white anymore. Thinking it a trick of his eyes, Raoul continued on with his morning routine. Smearing the gel into his hair, Raoul looked into the mirror—which was obviously broken—and nodded. Just perfect. Except for the one chunk that was standing out around the edge. Raoul washed his hands then tried to fix the stubborn piece of hair. It wouldn't budge. Raoul sighed and gave up. Sticking the bottle of mouthwash into his pocket, he went into his room to get Christine up so she could make his breakfast.

-

"AHHHH!" Christine's scream reverberated thoughout the house. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY HUSBAND!" she exclaimed.

"Lotte, its me!" Raoul pleaded.

"No. It can't be. You have pink hair and bright yellow teeth." Christine told him.

"I thought the mirror was just playing tricks on me!"

"I don't think so. This is bad, Raoul. Bad!"

Raoul took the mouthwash out of his pocket. "Maybe this will help with my teeth, at least." He insisted.

Taking a swig, Raoul capped the bottle. It hadn't done anything. Raoul swallowed the mouthwash.

"Raoul! You're not supposed to swallow…it?" Christine exclaimed, her sentence trailing off as Raoul collapsed, dead, on the floor. "I don't think it affects you that way! There must be poison in it! Oh Raoul! What will I ever do without you?"

Christine's head popped up as Erik crawled through the window. "Christine, will you consider marrying me!"

-

Erik awoke from his dream and grinned. This was a nice way to pass the time.

So what do you think? Stupid, yes. Funny? I hope. More coming soon!

Kara