Snape's Adventures in Muggleland
A/N: HELLO! I came back. (sniffs) Isn't that wonderful? (long silence)
"No!" came a cry from the audience.
Ah, hush. You owe me for letting all those characters chase me. I'm still on the run, you know.
"We were hoping it would take a little longer," muttered some random guy.
Well, it didn't, so there. Since some of you seemed to miss me…(There is a long line of murmuring at this statement) Oh, everyone's, a critic. Anyway, I'm writing this so read it…OR DIE! And many thanks to everyone who reviewed "Sirius Black's Day Care Center", and Super Shayde for inspiring this one!
Chapter One: Lots of Idiocy
At the souvenir shop
"Hello. Welcome to Snape's Souvenirs for Happy Chirpy Tourists. We make shoppers happy. My name's Severus. How can I help you?" Snape said ever so sarcastically, really starting to hate his part-time job.
"Um, like, hello," said a young female tourist. "Well, I was, like, wondering, I found this, like, totally cool t-shirt, but um, it has a name of a band on it called 'The Weird Sisters'." She held up a blood red t-shirt with bulging purple letters that spelled out the name "The Weird Sisters".
Snape looked at her expectantly. "And?" he asked, almost completely clueless.
"Um, like, do you have one with Aaron Carter on it?" she asked.
He sighed. "Oh my gosh…of all the lousy…" Once again he sighed. "What's the name of that mouse you Americans like?" he asked, rubbing his temples.
"Um, like, Mickey Mouse," she said, raising an eyebrow.
"Right, right. Of course." He promptly cleared his throat. "HEY, EVERYONE, LOOK! IT'S MICKEY MOUSE!" he shouted as all his customers looked around, including the girl. He pulled out his wand and the letters changed to resemble the name of the Muggle singer she wanted.
"Um, like, no it wasn't," she said.
"Oh, so, sorry. YOU'RE ALL ALLOWED TO GET BACK TO YOUR MEANINGLESS LIVES, CITIZENS! THERES NOTHING TO SEE!" He turned back to the girl. "Oh, and the name of the person you were looking for is on the shirt. So why did you ask?" he asked, trying to look confused.
She turned the shirt over and smiled stupidly. "Like oh-my-gosh! Would you look at that?" She giggled. "Like, thanks, grumpy manager!" she cried, paying him and skipping out of the shop.
Snape sighed. He glanced sideways at the clock. Oh, thank goodness. One more minute and this store would be closed. How wonderful. He still had some…things that needed to be completed. And he was running low on shampoo. He'd have to fix that. Three, two, one. YES! He cleared his throat. "Okay, everyone, the store is officially closed," he said into the phone, which connected to some wires, which lead to the speakers that were set up all over the room.
A very long line formed behind the counter. People were paying for their items and leaving. Last in line was a small brunette. She had dark brown eyes and her hair in a ponytail, and her finger in her mouth. He looked around; no one else was there. "Hello. How can I help you?" he asked, getting annoyed by her constant staring. Why didn't she blink?
Slowly she held up her teddy bear. Snape took it. "What? You wanna buy it? Is that what you want?" Snape said slowly so she could understand.
"I now English. I'm not stupid, you know," she said, laying her hands on her hips.
Snape stood in shock, his mouth hanging open. He regained his sanity after a few moments. "I never said you were. Now what do you want me to do with it?" he asked, glaring at the girl.
"Hug it, stupid," she said, rolling her eyes and acting like Snape was slow.
"Well, what if I decided not to?" Snape said mockingly to the girl. "What if I just don't feel like hugging yourstupid teddy bear? Huh? You gonna do something about it?" Snape asked, shoving the girl's teddy bear back in her hands.
"DADDY!" The girl cried, tears welling up in her eyes.
A man ran in. "Yes, sweetie?" he asked gently, panting.
"This man won't hug Teddy," she said, pointing at Snape.
The man looked at Snape and gulped. He quickly adjusted his glasses. "Excuse me, sir. I'm sorry about all this," he said very quietly and looked utterly terrified.
"Yeah? Well, you should not be here. My store closed two minutes ago and you're both still here and you're making me late for my own business! SO GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY STORE!" Snape yelled and stomped out of the shop, pushing the two people along with him. He stepped out the door along with the other two, and turned the sign on the glass window to "closed" before locking it up.
He ran to an alleyway leaving two dumbfounded Muggles staring at him. He quickly Apparated home. When he got there he grabbed the mail on the floor in front of his door. Oh, a letter from Hogwarts!
He threw the letter into the air and, spinning around in a circle, chanted, "I got a letter from Hogwarts! I got a letter from Hogwarts!" He paused. "I got a letter from Hogwarts?" he asked in disbelief. Why would Dumbledore want to talk to him? He was a Death Eater now. He quickly ripped the manila envelope open.
It read…
Dear Snape,
AS YOU KNOW, I WROTE THIS LETTER AND BECAUSE I WROTE THIS LETTER, I AM SENDING IT TO YOU, AND THAT IS ALL.
P.S. Join the Order soon.
Sincerely,
Dumbledore
"That's it?" Snape asked himself before quickly throwing the letter into the fireplace. He wanted no connection with the Order. He had nothing to do with them. But why was something telling him there was?
He looked up at his clock. It was already 5:00 p.m. and he was running late on picking up his laundry from the laundry mat, and he still had to get the groceries before that. This was just not his day.
A/N: This will be updated soon. Whoever reviews first gets to throw something large and heavy at my random audience member who keeps throwing things at my drummer!