Disclaimer: You know the drill: I don't anything you recognise.
Summary: How must Annie have reacted after the death of her brother? How could she come to terms with what she has lost? A collection of letter written from Annie to her brother in the hope that he is still there for her.
A/N I think this is best read while listening to the music Crownless by Nightwish. - That's what I was listening to while I write this and I think it really goes. That's if you know what Nightwish is - none of my friends have never heard of it - but it's this really great rock band. Just thought I'd mention it. Anyway. Please read and review - tell me what you think.
Dear Darren,
Why? Why? Why? Why? How could you do this to me? Do I mean nothing to you? I'm your sister and you just left. I loved you Darren. And now you're gone. Forever. Forever. Forever. I have just realised what forever means. Forever means that: forever. I will never see you again. I will never ride on your back again. I will never yell at you. I will never see your face. You will never smile at me again. I will never hear your voice. You aren't here for me any more. I fear it is my fault. That spider. I'm sure of it. It was my fault. I killed you. I'm so sorry Darren. I should have told mum and dad, the doctor, anyone but I was too afraid. I'm sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Please forgive me. Remember I will always love you even though I killed you. And I hope that if you were alive now, you would love me too.
You always said that I was mature for my age, and I think you would be disappointed to see me now. I don't want to feel that you may be disappointed in me. I want you to love me. As Annie. Your little sister.
Mum and Dad are worried about me. I know it. I see them talking and when I come into the room they stop as soon as they notice me. Mum is normally crying. I now have to go talk to this woman. She supposed to help me 'get over you'. I'll never be able to though.
In writing to you I feel as though I am talking to you. Like you will read this. That you have gone away for a few days, like when you went on holiday with dad last year. The difference is that you won't ever come back. And that scares me. I want you here. This woman calls herself some kind of physiological thingy. I don't want to have to see her. I want… Well, you know what I want. I want you. My brother.
I will write soon,
With love,
Your sister Annie
Dear Darren,
I saw your friends the other day. Steve, Alan and Tommy. Everybody at school is still upset but it has been four months since. Since you died and they are gradually letting it go. The teachers all miss you. Your friends miss you. I miss you.
The school hasn't yet played a football match – not even during break time. But Mr Dalton has organized one next Wednesday. I can't believe how little time it has taken for them to 'get over you'. I never will.
With Love,
Annie
Dear Darren,
Steve is scary. Steve is mean. I heard him mention your name and I went to listen. I think he was talking to himself. But he said all kinds of horrible things about you, and I just felt so angry, I jumped out and hit him. Mum and Dad weren't angry. They just seemed really worried again. I have to see this lady twice a week now. Maybe they think I'm getting depressed. I think I am.
With Love.
Annie
Darren,
It was your birthday yesterday. It was such a horrible day. I remembered last year, and the fun we had. Mum cried. Even dad cried. Uncle Derek came round and he cried too. Everybody cried. I couldn't. I've done so much crying I've run out of tears. I want to cry though. I will always cry for you. I love you Darren. And Happy Birthday for yesterday. I never got to give you a present. I'm crying now. I can't help it. Nothing seems real. Even now. Even now I still expect to see you walk through the door and ruffle my hair. I expect to see your comics left all over the floor again and to hear mum tell you off for not doing your chores. I know your not there but I just haven't taken it in. Not yet.
At least I don't have to see that mad-shrink any more.
Annie
Dear Darren,
It has been six months since I last wrote and a year since your death. Christmas was terrible. But we got through somehow. My birthday was just as sombre as yours was. I'm now a year older than I last was. But you will never grow older, will you? I can't bear to think of you. Beneath the ground. Deep. Hidden. Never to live again. I wish I could be there with you.
With Love
Annie
Dear Darren,
Mum and dad have decided not to adopt. I persuaded them not too. Don't get me wrong – they mourn you just as much as I do, but I think they have learnt to live with it. I still can't. You are fresh in my mind Darren even though it has been exactly one year and four months since last I saw you. Last I saw you alive. I felt that adopting was like replacing you. I can't ever replace you. I got angry and cried again.
I had to see another Psychiatrist – a man this time. They keep telling me that I have to get over your death. But God help me, I can't. I told mum and dad that I thought they were selfish for forgetting you. Dad went all quiet and mum yelled at me. Mum's never really yelled at me before. It was frightening. Then she cried and hugged me. She said that she loved me, and she always would. But couldn't I see that we had to keep on living? I think I understand, but I still feel like I am betraying you.
With Love,
Annie
Dear Darren,
Mum finally cleared out your room. We all three were there. Tommy and Alan helped. Steve wasn't there. He said he couldn't bear it. I know he is lying. But maybe he isn't. I was distressed and maybe imagined what he was saying. Maybe he really is sad. Maybe he is like me. Mum has kept your room perfect in the two years since you died, but now she decided that it was time to really make a move forward. Everything was there. Your clothes. Your magazines. Your school books. Everything. We cried again. But this time I cried not for loss, but for hope. Hope that maybe I can really begin to live again.
All my Heart filled Love
Annie
Dear Darren,
I feel terrible. I am a betrayer. I actually went a week without thinking of you. I haven't written and I've been doing better in school. I even watched a football match without thinking of you. What is wrong with me? How can I be forgetting you? I can hardly picture your face now. It's just a blur. I looked at some photographs but I couldn't cry. What am I doing? I can't forget you. I won't.
It will be my thirteenth birthday tomorrow. Think of me, wherever you are. Please. I promise from now on I won't stop thinking of you for one moment. I promise. You will never leave my mind. Never. Never. Never.
Annie
Dear Darren,
It feels so odd writing to you: I know that in actuality I am writing to myself. This is a way to make me feel better. I feel guilty.
Steve has vanished. I don't know where he has gone. Left home. His Mother died see. Everybody seems to be dying. But people are still living. Moving onwards. Would it be so bad for me to move on? You know I love you. I can never forget you. But I mustn't let something that happened so many years ago take over my life.
I remember that when you first died, I told people it was my fault. They all told me that it wasn't, but I knew better. Now I know that I was wrong and they were right. It was not my fault you died. It was an accident. A terrible accident. Maybe that spider never existed. I can't remember. Did you and Steve go to that Freak Show? It seems like a dream. Like you never existed at all. Like I made everything up. But I no one thing. I did not kill you. It was not my fault; of that I am certain.
Is there a heaven? I like to think of you looking down on me. I know that if you are, that you will be pleased with me. For realising the truth. It doesn't make me love you any the less just because I realised that I must move on with my life. I like to think that you are proud of your little sister who is now older than you'll ever be. It was a tragedy when you died, but they were right. They were right.
So forgive me dear brother. I need no longer write to you. I will cherish each and every letter I have written but no more. I've realised that I don't need letters to remember you or to talk with you. I just need remember…
You were a wonderful brother Darren and I will never forget that, or mourn the brilliant brother you would be to me now. To deny that I am growing up, that I am not your 'little' sister any more; to feel that you have the need to protect me because I am old enough to date boys. To always be there for me. But in a way you are. You are there. You look out for me big brother; and one day I will see you again. But will you recognise me? I will recognise you. You will always be the person you once as. You will never have to face the hardships and responsibilities of life; will always be the fun-loving, vivacious kid I remember you to be: And for that I envy you. I wish I need not grow. But I must. I must accept change and move with it. I am decided.
I love you Darren. I love you so much it hurts. But I now know how to help myself.
I will never forget you.
With Love
Your sister,
Annie
Review? Please - I would appreciate it. Really I would.
Louise XX