Shades of Hope – Chapter 1

Blue

Disclaimer: These characters belong to Amy Sherman-Palladino. I'm merely frolicking around in her brain. Wow – she's got some dirty thoughts in here! Kidding. ;)

Spoilers: Through episode 5.14, 'Say Something.'

Author's Note: This is my first Gilmore Girls fanfic – a mini-series, containing four parts. It's sort of my way of testing the waters – you know, with my big toe? – before diving headfirst into the water. So please, be kind…ish. Criticism is certainly welcome, but flames are not appreciated. Special thank you's go to Danielle and Rachel for helping me with pop culture references, not to mention the general nurturing of this little obsession that has stolen away so much of my life. :)

Lorelai opens the door to the Jeep, sliding into the driver's seat and placing her purse on her lap. She sticks the keys into the ignition, but, instead of starting the engine, she closes her eyes tightly and exhales loudly. Suddenly, she turns her body toward the passenger seat and scans it.

Nothing.

Her brow furrows as her lip protrudes slightly in a pout, but she continues to search with her eyes.

Still nothing.

"All right," she tells herself, "It's gotta be here somewhere." Lorelai lifts herself up so that she's standing on the driver's seat as she crouches down, and her head just clears the car's ceiling. She is still facing the passenger seat as she tilts her head down slightly, so that she can see the floor of the car. She doesn't see anything on the floor, but it's pretty dark under the seat, so she thrusts her hands down and feels around for the familiar fabric.

She doesn't feel anything.

"Damnit!" she yells, before beginning to claw at the back of the passenger seat. She shuts her eyes as her nails scratch at the thick material, aware but calloused toward how completely ridiculous she's acting. She's angry; she hates this car! Sure, she used to love the car – in fact, she reflects, there might have been a time that, during casual conversation, she mentioned to Rory the possibility of marriage to the car and starting a family of baby Jeeps (running, of course, on coffee instead of gas) – but that was a long time ago. Yes, she hates this car now and she hates this town, as well. But, above all else, she hates this feeling she gets every single time she breathes.

She isn't quite sure how to describe the feeling. A few days ago, she had told Sookie it kind of felt like she was lying, face first, in a giant bowl of Jell-o. However, Sookie had merely made a comment about how, with the right assortment of exotic fruits, Jell-o could be quite a sophisticated dish. She then proceeded to add Jell-o to the dessert menu at the Dragonfly, and Lorelai had realized all too late that using a food analogy with Sookie was like throwing a bad script in front of Jennifer Lopez and expecting her to turn it down. Needless to say, she figured nothing out that day. She still knows nothing.

Of course, it doesn't take an Einstein to realize that all the pain she's feeling is directly related to her break-up with Luke. It's no secret that she's still hurting – Rory knows, Sookie knows, her mother knows ("And should be feeling quite responsible for," Lorelai adds, in a huff), and unfortunately, Luke knows, as well. Yep, Luke knows, and he's not doing anything about it. He's not thinking about her, he's not trying to get back together; he's not even moping around town! He's been running his business as usual – diner opens, hungry people eat, diner closes, life goes on… but not for her. No, she realizes with more anger than she knew she had bottled up, her day revolves around just making it out the front door! She hasn't even gotten into her Jeep since the break-up because she thought he had left his god damn shirt in there, but he hasn't and now she has nothing, but bitter memories!

"GOD DAMNIT!" she screams, before lunging at the passenger seat, burrowing her head against it, and sobbing. She's supposed to be moving on! Why isn't she moving on? She had said she was going to move on – she had told Luke she would – and yet, here she is, sobbing in a car that she hasn't moved since before their break-up and she can't stop! Lorelai has had her share of breakups, but she has always, always moved on eventually. Yet, each time she seems to make some sort of progress moving beyond this particular break-up, she finds herself tumbling back to the pathetic, sobbing, dumped girl, trying in vain to figure out how to make a time machine so she can transport herself back a month, and stop herself from ever failing to mention the visit she paid to Christopher after his father died or for guilting Luke into coming to her parents' stupid wedding vow renewals in the first place.

She lets out a long sigh and sniffles twice, before sitting back in her seat and leaning her head against the headrest. She told Sookie she would be into work ten minutes ago, so she contemplates leaving, but realizes her make-up is probably a mess from crying. She pulls down the mirror attached to the sun visor and studies her face for a moment. Her eyes are pink and puffy around the rims, and she wipes the back of her hand across her eyes once to dry them before re-applying eye shadow and mascara. Once she finishes, she pushes the visor up and sits back again, letting out another long sigh.

"All right," she coaches herself, "Let's just drive, okay?"

She knows that if she could turn the keys and put the car into reverse, she would be getting over Luke just a little bit more, but it's harder than it sounds. Her hand shakes as she reaches for the keys. It's an agonizingly slow process, but she can't seem to speed it up. Her arm feels stiff at the elbow. When her fingers finally do reach the keys, she touches them, feeling the cold metal against her fingertips and shivering. She begins to realize how cold it is in the car, during the winter, without the heat on. She should really start the engine…

"NO!" she suddenly screams, banging her head against the roof as she lunges, head first, into the backseat of the car. She immediately regrets this decision, for she finds herself stuck - half of her body in the back of the car, half in front, and her waist resting in between the two front seats. "Oww," she cries, as she twists her body in order to get herself out of this position. However, twisting only makes her fall further into the backseat, which is the opposite of what she wants to do. "Shit." She feels the blood rushing to her head, as she reaches her hands down onto the floor to push herself up. As she does so, her hands brush something soft. It feels like… "No," she tells herself firmly, "It's not." She pauses. "But it feels like it…"

She pushes against the floor with force, ignoring the mysterious material against her fingers as she rams her body back onto the front seat. Her hair is sticking up in all directions and she tries halfheartedly to tame it. However, her heart has suddenly begun to race at the thought of what she felt on the ground, and she holds her breath as she leans over a little to glance down at the floor of the backseat. It's dark, so she carefully reaches down and feels around on the floor. After a moment, her hand makes contact with the mysterious material and she grasps it tightly. It feels like – could it be? Her eyes widen as she brings the soft shirt closer to her body.

Her breathing is heavy and sporadic as she stares at the blue flannel in her hand. She holds it delicately, cradling it to her body as if it's the most beautiful, exotic thing she's ever seen. Tears begin to run down her cheeks and she thinks vaguely of the fact that she has just done her make-up, but she doesn't really care. Quickly, Lorelai climbs out of the car and looks to her left, right, and then her left again. "Good, no one's around," she whispers, before removing her coat and wrapping herself in his shirt. Her mood is slightly soured by the realization that she's acting like that girl again – the pathetic girl whose life revolves around something that belongs to her ex-boyfriend. But maybe that's okay, for now. It's part of moving forward.

She smiles slightly and wraps the oversized flannel tightly around her body. She closes her eyes and lets out a contented sigh. It still smells like him. Maybe there's some hope left, after all.

TBC...?