This drabble was inspired by the song 'The Naked Chef' by Tripod. They rule. The best damned Australian comedy band ever. Mwuaha.

Warning: This story does contain a few hints of a male/male relationship. If you don't like it, then fie on thee! Fie on thee I say!

And I'd just like to say that this is dedicated to my lovelies – Love Psychedelico, S-A, Inyx, Scarlet Black and Die Kikyo Die. Because I said so.

The Naked Chef

That day, I was struck by a sudden urge.

An odd urge.

Something strange.

Something different.

Something like –

Cooking something spicy.

While I was naked.

So there I was, at some outlandish hour of the day. The kitchens were completely empty, as were most of the Halls for that matter – most of my brethren abed, trying to sleep off their drunken rage from the night before, after the start of the Festival of the Undead.

Either way, I was the in deepest, darkest corner I could find, a bubbling pot on the gas stove before me. Yes, I repeat that: gas stove. You could not possibly begin to imagine just how long it took me to get the Princes to realise that gas stoves were so much more efficient than spitfires – but I persevered, and as usual, the vampire nation benefited from my hard work.

As usual.

The words from our argument still broiled in my head as I tipped in whatever ingredients I could find, the stove warming my bare chest (I had stripped down completely, placing my clothes in a neat pile on the rough stone counter. Hey, when I said I wanted to cook naked, I meant it).

We had fought. We didn't usually fight, but that night, we had – and it was painful.

His words were painful.

I guess you could say that it was He who inspired me to stand at a stove cooking curry in the buff. I guess, secretly, deep down inside, I wanted Him to walk in and find me.

To find me cooking for Him.

I would have liked that.

So would He.

Mulling over our hurtful words, I dipped a spoon into the bubbling concoction before me, swirling it around a bit, then drawing the spoon out again. A heavy soup-like… stuff… dropped back into the pot with a sickly plop. I sighed and pulled a face at the pot.

Okay. So I wasn't a good cook.

I threw in a diced chilli. Or five. I'm not quite sure how many there were – I'm not exactly the greatest of counters when I'm thinking about other things.

Leave me alone, will you?

I had drawn another lot of soup out, and was just mustering the courage to taste the green stuff, when a voice broke my thoughts.

"What are you doing, Kurda?"

I jolted at the young voice, spilling the boiling liquid over my chest, the wooden spoon clattering to the floor. With a howl of pain, I danced on my toes, the hot curry landing down my front. Ah. So that was what a fat fire was.

In front of me, Darren Shan stared.

Hmm. Not quite the man I was looking for.

But quite frankly –

He'd do.

Grinning sheepishly to cover my embarrassment, I grabbed my shirt from the pile and quickly wiped the curry from my chest. Darren continued to stare.

"Hello, Darren," I said cheerfully. He just stared. I followed his gaze.

He was looking at my crotch.

I made no attempt to cover it. I mean, when you are as well endowed as I am, you have nothing to be ashamed of.

If I don't say so myself.

"Looking for anything in particular?" I asked. He didn't answer. I swear his jaw was going to hit the ground at any moment. "Or… at… anything…?"

The boy began to blush furiously, tearing his lovely blue-green gaze away.

"What are you doing, Kurda?" He mumbled. I smiled, leaning gently on the stove, careful not to burn myself – now that would have been embarrassing.

"What does it look like? I'm cooking naked," I told him. Darren scowled.

"I can see that," he said. He was still wrapped in several bandages after his last foolish Trial, a few scratches marring his childishly plump features. "But… why?"

I shook my head, several locks of hair slipping from the band I used to hold it back as I picked up my spoon, wiped it off, and stirred the curry again.

"Let's just say… it's an apology to someone special to me."

The boy was confused.

I guess he had never experienced romance before.

Darren crept up next to me, trying not to touch me, and peered into the pot.

"That looks disgusting, you know," he said. I glared at him.

"Leave me alone, Darren," I told me, "I'm not a good cook."

"Who are you going to try to kill?"

I spluttered, and bonked him over the head with the spoon. He gave a yelp of pain.

"I said I wasn't a good cook!" I cried. "And anyway, it's the thought that counts!"

"Ow, ow, okay!" He cried, his hands clamped over his head. "That hurt, you know!"

"Sorry."

"Humph. So, who's the lucky lady who gets this? Arra?"

I gave him a funny look.

"Whoever said anything about a lady?"

Darren stared at me.

"You're… gay?" He almost said it like it was a dirty word. With a sigh, I ruffled his thick dark hair, giving the curry another stir with my other hand. There's co-ordination for you.

"When you live in a world where the population of men far outweighs that of women, the men start to get a little too… bored. So. They pair up together. It's only natural."

Darren was still staring at me.

"But that's…!"

"What, unnatural? Only to the close-minded."

"Huh?"

"Idiots who think they know all."

"…oh."

"Come on, don't tell me you've never looked at a guy and thought, 'Hmm, I'd love to kiss him,'" I said cheerfully. Darren opened his mouth as if he were about to retort – then he remembered something, shut his mouth, and blushed furiously. I grinned at him. "So you have?"

"Not… quite…" He said, pulling a face. "My best friend kissed me once. He can't seem to remember it though. And my other friend…"

He trailed off, and shuddered, obviously not enjoying the memory.

I laughed, patting Darren on the back.

"Well, there you have it," I said.

"Have what?"

I blinked, stumped for a second.

"Actually – I'm not sure!"

"You didn't answer my question, by the way."

"What question?"

"Who are you cooking this for?"

"Oh," I said, and, grinning, I told him. He boggled at me.

"Him! You're going out with-"

"Yes, so calm down," I told him, chuckling slightly. "There's nothing to get excited about."

He scowled at me, and glared at the curry. Or the thing that was meant to be curry.

"Is curry meant to look… purple?"

"It was green before!" I glanced into the pot. Sure enough, it had gone a slight tinge of purple. I sighed, and began stirring furiously.

"Why are you making him a curry?" Darren asked.

"I felt like making something spicy."

"But if you're a bad cook, why try it?"

"…Shut up, boy."

"I mean, you could have just made a sultana sandwich."

I glanced at Darren, confused.

"What's a sultana sandwich?"

"You know," he said, shrugging. "You get two pieces of bread, butter one side, cover it in sultanas, put the bread together, and viol la… you have a sultana sandwich."

I continued to stare at him. He glanced away, suddenly meek.

"Okay, so it's the only thing I know how to make…"

I couldn't help but smile at the boy. He looked so innocent there, looking away, that slight blush on his pale cheeks, his brow furrowed in a little frown. Actually, he was quite handsome, for a child. Something about those brilliant, wide eyes of his. They were enchanting, to say the least.

"I can understand why your friend kissed you, Darren," I said, stirring the curry a bit more. He gave a start, looking up at me.

"What do you mean?"

I shrugged.

"You're a good-looking child," I said, smiling crookedly. "If you don't mind me saying so."

He puffed up, making himself look all the more adorable.

"Well, I do mind, thank you very much!"

I grinned, a thought coming to my head.

I shoved the spoon towards his mouth, filled with curry.

"Taste."

"What!"

"I said, taste," I told him. "Come on, it can't be that bad."

"Nooo-" But as soon as he opened his mouth, I shoved the spoon in, forcing the curry into his mouth. His eyes widened.

But before he had a chance to throw up, I sealed his lips shut.

With a kiss.

A.N Gomen! Gomen nasai! I didn't mean to write it so crappily! It was so grand in my mind… -sighs-

I have another drabble planned for next week. And I should update Steve's diary by then too. Ehehe.

More pimpage! If you are a dirty minded little child like myself, go to my profile and find a list of three links! The second one is entitled 'The Darren Shan Dirt Forum' – go there! And POPULATE IT! MWUAHAHAHAHAHA!