PLEASE NOTE: This lovely story was co-authored by Goblz, Qtecuttlfish, and myself, MissLijieBlueEyes. It is a parody, meant for humor's sake.
Ahem, and now for the disclaimer: First and most obviously, we do not own any of the "Lost" characters, nor are we aware of any fiestas that occurred during their stay on the island. For all we know, there were absolutely no fiestas. Or there could've been hundreds of fiestas lasting for decades. Who really knows ? All we know is that if there were fiestas, they were Shannon's fault. And Locke's, too. Oh, and how did the whole fiesta idea come about, you may ask? Well, it started with a simple game of Truth or Dare between the three of us. I, MissLijieBlueEyes, proceeded to "Truth or Dare?" Goblz, at which time she chose "Truth." I asked her, "If you could have Boone for the rest of your life, would you have a week-long fiesta with Locke?" To maintain her dignity, I will not publicly display her answer, but as you can see, the rest is history. MissLijieBlueEyes, Goblz, and Qtecuttlfish all humbly apologize to Boone and graciously hand him a box of Kleenex for whatever we manage to conjure up next. Now, sit back…and enjoy the fiesta! Olé!
Charlie sat beside the ocean, staring aimlessly. Six months had passed since the plane crash; no one believed anymore they were going to be rescued.
To no one's surprise, Locke had gone completely and utterly out of his mind. Four months ago, Shannon engaged in a week-long fiesta with the older man, and he hadn't been the same since.
In the months, weeks, days, hours, and yes, even MINUTES that had followed, Shannon had been insisting that Sayid (who wasn't even an ordained minister), marry her and Locke. Upon hearing this request, Sayid promptly ran into the bushes to hurl his guts out.
Ever since, Locke went around having fiestas with other survivors, although not all were willing. Out of fear, Jack, Sawyer, and Boone pulled out the 9mm guns and barricaded themselves in the caves. They could hear and see Locke lurking outside the caves, softly calling,
"Boone, Boone? We need to go hunt some boar, Boone…"
Boone shook with fear.
"It's okay, Boone," Sawyer said a bit too soothingly. "We won't let him get you."
Boone turned around and stared with wide eyes at two smiling men. All of a sudden, going boar-hunting with Locke seemed much more appealing than being barricaded in the caves. He rushed through the barricade, tripping several times, and emerged with a shredded shirt. Kate and Sun pulled him up, and he caught the gleams in their eyes. "You're all crazy!" Boone yelled.
At that moment, Charlie burst through the bushes, a wild, petrified look in his eyes. "Boone!" Charlie shouted. "We've got to get out of here! Everyone— they're yelling…" Boone listened carefully. Off in the distance, he could hear Hurley calling,
"Fiesta, man! Fiesta!"
The two men bravely trekked through the woods, avoiding the creepy lust-filled Sawyer and Jack, and dodging Kate and Sun's eager hands, unfortunately losing their shirts completely in the process. Sadly, they ran into one of Locke's net traps, and their frantic attempts to escape made the net draw tighter. Their eyes grew wider as they heard the shouts of "fiesta" growing closer.
Michael reached them first, followed by the no-longer-pregnant-but-now-horny Claire. They tugged at the nets, clawing at two horrified men as the ever- growing crowd of survivors drew closer.
"Hey, hey you g-guys!" Charlie cried out in an unsteady voice. "Maybe we can strike up a deal: I give you a personal concert—and you get the bloody hell away from us!" Boone nodded frantically.
Unfortunately, Michael and Claire were too full of Locke's lusty fiesta haze to understand a single word he was saying. Charlie and Boone thought they were done for, when Sayid suddenly jumped out of the bushes, cutting the net down and yelling, "Run for it!"
"My husband!" Shannon shrieked, dashing towards him as the other two ran, being chased by Locke, Kate, Sawyer, and Jack. The others gave up and paired off for their own fiestas. Sayid cowered. He didn't want Shannon, but she kept persisting. Ever since her week-long fiesta, (the first one) with Locke, the sight of Shannon made Sayid want to be back in Iraq.
SMACK! Boone bitch-slapped his sister, (something he should have done the day they met) rescuing Sayid from her evil clutches. Boone, Charlie, and Sayid kept running through the jungle, less afraid of the dangers there than of the lust-filled fiestas. That is, until they ran into Danielle near her hideout. She heard them coming, the fiesta chants behind them, and rushed them into her underground living quarters. Once she had locked them in, they realized they were no safer there than in the jungle.
"Please, Danielle," Sayid said. "Just help us. What could you gain by killing us? Think, you've got three eligible—"
"—and sexy!" Charlie added.
"—men," Sayid finished. He grinned. Boone's eyes popped wide open.
"I thought I was safe with you two!" he yelled angrily. Danielle seemed surprised by his frustration, but also strangely turned on.
"You are safe with us, idiot," Charlie hissed to him. "We're just trying to get away from her." Danielle tilted her head, while the three men awaited their fate. The corners of Danielle's mouth twitched and a sort of sneer crept onto her face. She flipped her hair and demanded, "Why should I let you go?"
"Why shouldn't you let us go?" Sayid challenged.
"Well, as you just pointed out, I am now in the company of three sexy, eligible men."
"Uh, I believe that was talented and sexy," Charlie interjected.
"No, you said 'eligible'," Boone said quietly, on the verge of tears.
"I can just keep the three of you for whenever I have need," she said, leering at them.
Sayid swallowed hard and stepped back. Charlie and Boone hugged each other, very, very afraid, when a screaming Shannon broke through the wall of the underground hideout, leaping on Danielle. Not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth, the three men took the opportunity to run out of the hideout, to Shannon's screams of, "They're MINE! I wanna fiesta with them!"
"Run, mates! Run for your bleedin' lives!" Charlie cried, as he, Boone, and Sayid made a mad dash into the forest. They weren't even heeding where they were going; not that they really cared. It was beginning to get dark, but the three studs continued on.
"Where do you think we're headed?" Boone hastily asked the others as they pushed through some very stubborn bushes.
"As long as it's away from everyone else, who cares?" Charlie yelled. Boone couldn't disagree.
Suddenly from the trees, Michael and Jin jumped the three men, knocking Boone and Charlie to the ground. Sayid considered helping them, and after a moment's deliberation, he pushed forth to try to help the younger men.
Sayid shoved Michael off of Boone, and he fell backward and hit his head against a rock. It knocked Michael to his senses.
"What the—?" he said, watching Jin attempt to yank the rest of Charlie's clothes off. He tackled Jin, punching him, and knocking him out.
"What the hell's going on?" Michael demanded of Sayid, Charlie, and Boone.
Charlie gave him a sneer while yanking his pants back on. "Lemme give you the highlights," he replied in a sarcastic tone. "You're all mad, we're on the bloody run, and the worst part is, we don't even know who the bleedin' hell started this suckfest!"
Sayid cleared his throat. "Err…." Everyone turned to the former Iraqi soldier. "We do know: Shannon started this madness. It's all her fault."
"What isn't Shannon's fault?" Boone chortled, and the four of them erupted into laughter.
Jin started to come around, so the four thought they should get running. They took off running west, but Jack and Sawyer were heading at them. They turned around but Jin was already on his feet. From the north and south, other survivors were also coming. There was nowhere to run. They were surrounded, trapped.
Danielle and Shannon were among those surrounding them. Tears were in Danielle's eyes.
"This is what happened to my crew when they got 'sick'," she said. "And there's only one way to stop it!"
"Oh no!" Sayid muttered, as Danielle raised the gun she was carrying into the air.
Everyone froze. Danielle held the gun menacingly, pointing it at each survivor. "No one move a muscle!" she screamed. "You—!" she indicated to everyone but Charlie, Boone, Sayid, and Michael. "—Line up!"
"Danielle, no!" Sayid cried, but Danielle shook her head.
"Stay where you are!" she told him as the lust-driven survivors lined up shoulder to shoulder without question. Charlie and Boone stood paralyzed as Sayid froze in a "reaching-out" position.
Danielle held the gun solidly and ordered the fiesta-lovers, "Now, everyone, choose the person next to you as your partner and face them." Everyone did so, but they couldn't just face their partners; everyone started fondling their partners.
"STOP!" Danielle shrieked, shooting once into the air. Everyone immediately ceased their groping.
"Now," Danielle continued. "Bonk heads."
They looked at her quizzically, but when she raised her gun again, they all quickly hit heads against their partners. A chorus of "ows!" lifted into the air, and a few people fell to the ground.
Sayid, Boone, Charlie, Michael, and Danielle watched anxiously as survivors looked around at each other, puzzled.
"What…happened?" Kate asked, rubbing her head.
"Why are we all here…and why aren't Shannon and Locke lying on the ground?" Jack asked.
Danielle shook her head sadly, dropping the gun. "The island has them caught. There is no helping them."
"What? There's nothing we can do?" Boone demanded. Danielle shook her head sadly.
Interestingly enough, Shannon and Locke were partners. They bonked heads again, and again, nothing happened. Boone burst into tears. Charlie patted Boone encouragingly on the shoulder.
"S'okay, mate. I know it must be hard since she's your sister and all…"
But Boone managed to choke out, "N-No! It's not Shannon—it's Locke! He was my mentor! We'll never survive without him!" Everyone looked around awkwardly as Shannon and Locke proceeded to launch another fiesta.
"Ew!" Walt exclaimed, turning away. Sayid and Boone tore Shannon and Locke apart, and Shannon turned to Boone.
"Shannon, get a hold of yourself," Boone said, shaking her, feeling disgusted.
"What? It's not like we haven't done it before."
Everyone stared at Boone.
He shifted uncomfortably. "It was only the once. And that's not the point."
"He's right," Sayid said. "What are we going to do about Shannon and Locke?"
Sawyer stepped forward. "Well, seeing as our community will be wrecked if we don't do something…" He paused, pulling out a gun he'd stolen during his and Jack's "fiesta," doing something no one wanted to know about. He shot twice. Everyone rushed him, but it was too late. However, thanks to his awful aim, the bullets just scraped Shannon's and Locke's foreheads, finally knocking them out of the fiesta mode.
So, what's the moral of this story? If someone asks you to have a fiesta, you bonk them with your head and run like hell.
THE END.