Seinfeld
"Plenty of Joe"
Disclaimer: all the characters and rights to them in "Seinfeld" belong to others – not me.
Setting:
Coffee Shop, Moscow, early 1923
Resembles "Monk's" except colors are less bright and there is a sign in the window saying "Monksy's." George and Jerry have beards and are dressed in heavy winter clothing, as is everyone else in the coffee shop.
Jerry is sitting on one side of the booth. George sits immediately across from him.
Jerry: This coffee is bad, again!
George: It's always bad.
Jerry: Why do we keep coming back?
George: It's the only place we can find that has coffee?
Jerry: True. (Takes a sip of coffee, puts mug down and frowns.) It's just so bad.
George: So, you want a refill? Comrade?
Jerry: Of course! Comrade?
George: Krueger gave me an extra five rubles today. I'll go bribe the waitress to come over here and give us more coffee.
Jerry: Why did Krueger give you five extra rubles?
George: It's Krueger People's Industrial Smoothing. There doesn't have to be a reason.
Jerry: There never is one, is there?
George: No. Jerry, do we say "Comrade" enough? I keep thinking we don't say that enough. I don't want to get in trouble. They're out to get me. They always are.
Jerry: "Comrade?" I don't know. However, I'm sure they ARE out to get you.
George: Great, now you have to be a comedian again. Maybe you should just help the rest of us poor schmoes and hold up a sign that says "Comrades, I'm being funny, now."
At least we'd know. Do you think you could show even that kind of courtesy?
Jerry: I don't think so, Comrade.
George: I better get that coffee or I'm gonna lose it!
George gets up and walks toward the counter.
Elaine walks in. She is wearing a very dark fur coat. She sits down where George had been sitting.
Jerry: Lainie!
Elaine: Jerry. I'm am SO glad to see you.
Jerry: As it should be.
Elaine: Jerome, not because it's you. Because of that Stalin guy. He followed me the last block here. Just behind enough to make it look like he wasn't following me.
Jerry: Stalin!
Elaine: Joe Stalin. He's got a crush on me. Now he's following me. Next thing you know, we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Comrade Stalin!
Jerry: That's one wedding I think I'll have to miss.
George returns, looking downcast. He sits down next to Elaine, and keeps looking at the table.
Jerry: We're not getting any more coffee, are we?
George: Uh, probably not.
Jerry: You asked the waitress out, didn't you?
George: No. I asked for change.
Jerry: You asked for change from a bribe?
George: Hey. 3 rubles is a perfectly good bribe. Most people don't make that in a half-day!
Jerry: Our boy, Comrade George, was bribing the waitress with five rubles to bring us more coffee.
Elaine: Well, that's probably the only way you'd get the coffee. It's not like they come back.
Jerry: I know that, you know that, our good Comrade George knows that. I'm willing to wager, say, two rubles, that most of the USSR knows that too. We're not a country built on customer service.
George: Well, I thought it was fair.
Jerry: See, George had 5 extra rubles for a bribe. Not a bad bribe. Might have even gotten you coffee, Elaine. But HE had to get change!
Elaine turns to George.
Elaine: You are truly an idiot.
George: Hey, Comrade Jerry, I was trying to do you a favor. This is the thanks I get.
Jerry: Ok. Comrade George. Thanks for screwing up the bribe.
Elaine: What's with all this "Comrade" stuff?
Jerry: George thinks he'll get in trouble if we don't use it more.
Elaine: How many times are you supposed to say "Comrade?"
Jerry: It's something that bears researching. Maybe I'll pick up a copy of Pravda on the way home and look for that.
Elaine: I'm sure it's right next to the weather forecast. Right, "Comrade" George?
George: Enough, already! I get it.
In walks a man, just shorter than George. He has a very brushy mustache and thick, silver-lined hair. He wears what looks like a military uniform. He walks up to the table next to where Jerry is sitting and looks at Jerry; Jerry angrily looks back.
Stalin: Hello, Jerry.
Jerry: Hello, Stalin.
Elaine: Stalin, were you following me?
Stalin: Elaine, Elaine. I was just walking towards this place and your beautiful body happened to be in front of me. A true sight of paradise. I will join you!
Stalin sits next to Jerry.
Jerry: Stalin, who invited you?
Stalin: Well, Jerry, it was only a matter of time until I was invited. I chose the time.
Is the coffee here still terrible?
Jerry, Elaine and George in unison: Yes!
Stalin: Well, at least they have it. I guess I'd better get a waitress.
Stalin looks and finds the waitress laughing and talking with the person who is at the cash register.
Stalin (loudly): Waitress!
The waitress ignores him.
Stalin (loudly again): Waitress! Get over here!
The waitress turns slightly towards Stalin and then goes back to conversing with the counterman.
Stalin (very loudly): Waitress! My employer, the NKVD, the Secret Police of this Soviet Union, needs my services. I need yours NOW.
Jerry: You had to pull out that card, didn't you Stalin? NKVD.
Stalin: Seinfeld. You are just a comedian. I am an artist. Watch her.
The waitress walks briskly over with a pot of coffee and two extra mugs.
Waitress: Comrade, forgive me? How may I be of assistance.
Stalin: Just pour coffee for the lovely Elaine and I and leave the pot.
Waitress: Yes, Comrade.
Stalin: That's Comrade Stalin.
Waitress: Yes, Comrade Stalin.
She pours coffee, leaves the pot on the table and quickly walks away.
Jerry: What's the "That's Comrade Stalin?" thing? Not "Comrade Joe?"
George: Yeah. Stalin. What IS with that?
Stalin: George. You are a loser, so I will answer Jerry.
George: You don't even like Jerry.
Jerry: Hey, I don't like him either.
Stalin: This is true. But he is not the loser you are, George.
Stalin turns to Jerry.
Stalin: Jerry. You are a comedian. I am a military man in service to our Great Soviet Union. And a man who is going places."Comrade Joe?" – who would take that seriously?
But "Comrade Stalin" is a name that can intimidate.
Jerry: Ok. Joe. Where'd you get that idea?
Stalin: Jerry, you've seen how rude I can be around people. Brutal.
Jerry: Yeah, Stalin. But that's your personality. "Comrade Stalin" – intimidating?
(Starts laughing.) You just help all the important people in the government. I can imagine they are shaking in their boots saying "Here comes Comrade Stalin with those files we asked for" or "Comrade Stalin went to the motor pool for me" or "Comrade Stalin went for donuts." Pretty scary stuff!
George and Elaine join in the laughter.
Stalin: Seinfeld. You go too far. Kramer said….
Jerry: You are getting advice from Kramer?
Stalin: I asked for his opinion. He's an intelligent man with a tortured soul.
Jerry: I've heard him try to sing, so I know his soul is tortured. Intelligent? Did he come up with the "Comrade Stalin?"
Stalin: Yes he did. The first time he said it I got chills.
Elaine: Kramer DOES have the Kavorka. That voice can be pretty deep.
Jerry: It IS getting deep here.
George: Stalin. Haven't the folks over at government headquarters called you "Comrade Stalin" before?
Stalin: Yes. But not with the ferocity the name truly demands. Stalin, man of steel.
Jerry: Man of steel? That sounds like a job for a super-man!
Elaine: I kind of like it.
Jerry: That figures.
Stalin:See, the lustrous Elaine understands. It's about power and strength. You so called men have little of either.
Jerry: Stalin, insult George all you want….
George: He said "men," not man.
Jerry: If he's talking about power and strength my friend, I know something about that.
I've got plenty of power and strength. More than you can even imagine.
George: He said "men." You are just as weak as I am. Weaker. I'm a tiger, baby.
Jerry: Don't think so, "Comrade."
George: "Comrade?"
Elaine: I'd have to go with Jerry on that. I'm not sure if Jerome has much power or strength - but George, you really don't have any.
Stalin: I really don't like Jerry, but I would even concede he has a point, "Comrade George."
Elaine: Yes, "Comrade George."
Jerry: Let me go get that copy of Pravda, buddy. I think we've used the word "Comrade" enough for one day!
George: Serenity now!