Disclaimer: Power Rangers and associated accessories not mine.

Author's Note: For those who wonder, 'Cattie' is just my parody fanfic self. This was inspired by a hectic afternoon in the kitchen last Thanksgiving, but the story only recently resurfaced, so that's why it's coming out in March ;)

Cattie the Kitchen Warden

"So...these weapons of yours. I get the space theme; that's real cute. But what's with the same first letter business? Spiral Sabre?"—Cattie smacked Andros' hand with the back of her oversized spoon as he tried to steal some mashed potatoes from the bowl—"Lunar Lance? Are they really necessary?"

"It was the writers' idea," replied Andros, rubbing his hand with a wounded look on his face. "They thought the alliteration would be popular with the kids and help the toys sell better."

"Great. So that's why those hellions are running around yelling 'Super Silverizer' at the top of their lungs. Get me the name of the genius who thought of that one; I wanna write him a nasty letter. Hey!" Cattie grabbed a rubber spatula and smacked Zhane over the head with it. "No ruining your appetite before dinner!"

Zhane guiltily replaced the lid on the cookie jar and said with his best whimper, "But I'm huuuungry."

Cattie wasn't moved. "I didn't chase down, defeather, and skin a turkey from the Gargantuan System by myself for nothing. Your Power Ranger metabolisms oughta polish that fowl off fine if you don't go ruining it with sweets! Git!"

She went chasing the Silver Ranger around the kitchen with the spatula, which gave Andros another chance to steal some potatoes and make for the door. He nearly crashed into TJ, who was just entering, a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey ice cream in hand, plastic spoon in mouth. Cattie's eyes widened when she saw him.

"You gimme that now!"

TJ whirled around and dashed back out the kitchen door with Andros right on his heels. A couple of forks missed the Red Ranger's ear by an inch as they flew by, thrown so hard that the handles still jiggled up and down as the tines embedded themselves in the door jamb. Outside, safely behind the door, the two Rangers gave a hoot to triumph.

"Damn Rangers, better run," Cattie muttered as she dragged Zhane towards the door, ear pinched firmly between her right thumb and forefinger. The Silver Ranger was also hunched over, given the 13-inch height difference between the two. "Out with you, Silver Boy, before I decide to carve up your hide too." She tossed him out with a surprisingly amount of force from someone so much smaller. The kitchen door swung back and forth several times before settling shut. The loud banging and clanging of utensils and cookware could be heard from within.

"What did you boys do?" asked Ashley with a smirk, glancing between TJ with his ice cream, Andros with his potatoes, and Zhane with his red ear. She and Cassie were busy setting the table while Carlos stood near the far wall, scrubbing furiously at his Lunar Lance with a handful of paper towels and a bottle of 409.

"Don't let the Kitchen Warden in there anywhere near your weapons," said Carlos ruefully when he noticed the others looking curiously at him.

"What happened to your lance, man?" asked Zhane, rubbing his smarting ear.

"Kitchen Warden decided that my Lunar Lance would work better than oven mitts when it came time to load the turkey into the oven. Longer range, better grip. Ugh," he spritzed another layer of cleaner onto the crescent end. "It seems 409 doesn't have any effect on grease from an interstellar bird." The Black Ranger sighed. "This stuff just isn't coming off."

"Nothing a heat blast from the Megaship's thrusters can't fix, I'm sure," said Andros, licking the last of the potatoes off his fingers.

"I hope so."

"She tried to use my Satellite Stunner as a baster," Cassie commented from the table, where she was artfully folding linen napkins into triangles. "But I told her that it doesn't work quite like a water gun. She'd more likely deep fry the turkey if she tried to use it."

The kitchen door suddenly swung open, causing all six Rangers to look up, some with amusement, others with fear.

"You," Cattie's finger pointed right at the Red Ranger. "Gimme your saber. Now."

Andros frowned. "What? What for?"

"So I can shove it up the turkey's butt and turn it over in the pan. Can't be having dry breast meat now, can we?"

The Red Ranger's face wrinkled with distaste. "Why don't you use Carlos' lance again? It's already greased up—"

"Hey!"

"'Cause I don't need it greased up," Cattie narrowed her eyes. "Hand it over, Badger Boy, or no starch for you tonight."

"But…but…but…fine," the Spiral Sabre appeared in a flash of red light and he handed it over to their diminutive dinner hostess. Cattie smirked and disappeared back into the kitchen with the weapon in the blink of an eye. A moment later, there was a very loud and very wet squish from the kitchen that had Andros cringing. They heard the oven door opening and clanging shut again, and then Cattie stuck her head out the kitchen door.

"Thank you, darling," she said, handing Andros back his weapon. He accepted it gingerly by the handle with his thumb and two fingers, his expression hovering somewhere between disgust and queasiness. Butter and turkey fat and other turkey parts he didn't want to think about slowly slid down the shaft of his weapon, dribbling around and around the spirals before dripping off the tip in elongated, quivering droplets.

"You must love your starch," said TJ, a grin in both his face and his voice as he clapped his leader on the back.

"He does," Ashley put in from the table, an amused but endeared smile on her face as she glanced at her boyfriend. "Nothing sustains a growing Ranger better. Quick energy fix—"

"Easy to burn," Cassie chimed in.

"Cheap to get."

"Fun to throw!"

"Fun to feed," Ashley winked at Andros.

"And good to eat!"

"Amen to that," TJ raised his pint and spooned an enormous bite of ice cream that would have had anyone else hissing and puffing from the mouth-numbing cold.

The Red Ranger did not look amused, however, and watched another grease droplet roll off his saber. He shivered and held it away at an arms' length, willing it to disappear. His friends laughed.

"Is the table set yet?" Cattie called loudly from the kitchen.

"Yes!"

"Dining room cleared up?"

"Yes!"

"Good! Get me a blade I can use on this here bird and we can get this dinner rolling!"

Zhane and TJ exchanged worried looks.

"Don't look at me. I'm not giving her my Silverizer."

"She sure as heck isn't using my Ax!"

"Why not?"

"Your Silverizer is longer."

"Your Ax's got a better handle."

"Your Silverizer can cut thin slices."

"So can your Ax!"

"BOYS! The turkey's getting' cold! And one of yall's weapons gonna be used to cut the bundt cake I make for dessert anyway, so stop fightin'!"

Ten minutes later…

"You know, your writers should rethink their marketing strategy," remarked Cattie as she served out slices of turkey meat. "Instead of reproducing your weapons as five dollar light-up toys, why not sell them as quality, authentic Ranger cookware?"

"Like your Cosmic Turkey Carver?" Carlos gestured with his fork at the Super Silverizer lying in the center of the table beside the turkey carcass.

"Or a Ranger Turkey Rotator?" said Andros ruefully.

"Even better," said Cattie, reaching over and picking up the bowl of mashed potatoes. "Guaranteed to bring any Ranger to their knees."

"What is it?"

Cattie heaped a giant pile of potatoes on Andros' plate, then replaced the bowl with a smirk.

"My Millennium Potato Masher."