A Fan's Lament

(A/N: There's really no excuse for this, other than the near-aneurysm I suffered upon reviewing the list of Phantom fan literature on )

As I browse away on Amazon

I wonder what these kids are on

What does a girl have to do?

To get character portrayals that are true?

Becky L. Meadows makes me cry

And she wrote TWO books, why God, why?

Gwenith Vehlow, put down your pen

Christine is not Barbie, and Erik ain't Ken

Frederick Forsyth deserves a slap

For sticking the name "Phantom" on his hackish crap

D.M. Bernadette, what the HELL?

You reduced Leroux's great work to a mere shell

Nancy Hill Pettengill, dare I ask

Why you dared to corrupt the mask?

Oh Susan Kay, you were doing so well!

Until Christine started acting like a soap-opera belle!

Since you all seem prone to ignore

And behave like the sacred canon is no more

I feel the need to speak my mind

And listen well, for I won't be kind

One thing that must be addressed

Is that Erik really deserves to rest

He's not a sex god, rapist or sap

Who spends his time drooling on Christine's lap

He died at the end, for a good reason

To say otherwise is canonical treason

Erik was, in fact, a dangerous man

Not some guy with a glam eyepatch and tan

And as for poor Christine, I wonder

Why you need to tear her character asunder?

She wasn't an idiot, a bimbo, or a whore

So please, I ask you, please, no more!

Christine was pure, innocent and sweet

She wasn't a fool for not falling at Erik's feet

She DID love Raoul, accept that fact

Because he was a sweetheart, for all he lacked in tact

Speaking of Raoul, let's get things straight

This character-bashing just doesn't rate

Raoul isn't evil, a drunk or a fop

This stupid chiche really needs to stop

Allow me to make it easy for youfangirls, ahoy!

Raoul was little more than a boy

Who loved a girl, and made himself a fool

And then was used as Erik's tool

One more thing, before I go

I just want you all to know

That the Erik/Christine love child has been done

It is no longer creative or fun

It is, in fact, just plain dull

This plotline makes me want to smash my own skull

Christine was a virgin, sweet and true

Who would not dive into sex as her fanfiction counterparts do

With all that in mind, I'll leave you to ponder

I hope that your thoughts toward Leroux are fonder

Because without him, we would not have inspiration

To continue forward in this trepidation

For truth to canon, for respect to Leroux

Without whom this fandom could never go