A Fan's Lament
(A/N: There's really no excuse for this, other than the near-aneurysm I suffered upon reviewing the list of Phantom fan literature on )
As I browse away on Amazon
I wonder what these kids are on
What does a girl have to do?
To get character portrayals that are true?
Becky L. Meadows makes me cry
And she wrote TWO books, why God, why?
Gwenith Vehlow, put down your pen
Christine is not Barbie, and Erik ain't Ken
Frederick Forsyth deserves a slap
For sticking the name "Phantom" on his hackish crap
D.M. Bernadette, what the HELL?
You reduced Leroux's great work to a mere shell
Nancy Hill Pettengill, dare I ask
Why you dared to corrupt the mask?
Oh Susan Kay, you were doing so well!
Until Christine started acting like a soap-opera belle!
Since you all seem prone to ignore
And behave like the sacred canon is no more
I feel the need to speak my mind
And listen well, for I won't be kind
One thing that must be addressed
Is that Erik really deserves to rest
He's not a sex god, rapist or sap
Who spends his time drooling on Christine's lap
He died at the end, for a good reason
To say otherwise is canonical treason
Erik was, in fact, a dangerous man
Not some guy with a glam eyepatch and tan
And as for poor Christine, I wonder
Why you need to tear her character asunder?
She wasn't an idiot, a bimbo, or a whore
So please, I ask you, please, no more!
Christine was pure, innocent and sweet
She wasn't a fool for not falling at Erik's feet
She DID love Raoul, accept that fact
Because he was a sweetheart, for all he lacked in tact
Speaking of Raoul, let's get things straight
This character-bashing just doesn't rate
Raoul isn't evil, a drunk or a fop
This stupid chiche really needs to stop
Allow me to make it easy for youfangirls, ahoy!
Raoul was little more than a boy
Who loved a girl, and made himself a fool
And then was used as Erik's tool
One more thing, before I go
I just want you all to know
That the Erik/Christine love child has been done
It is no longer creative or fun
It is, in fact, just plain dull
This plotline makes me want to smash my own skull
Christine was a virgin, sweet and true
Who would not dive into sex as her fanfiction counterparts do
With all that in mind, I'll leave you to ponder
I hope that your thoughts toward Leroux are fonder
Because without him, we would not have inspiration
To continue forward in this trepidation
For truth to canon, for respect to Leroux
Without whom this fandom could never go