Prince of Persia: SUPERCONDENSED

By Bass GSX

I'm not sure if any of you guys in the POP section have heard of this idea, but you're about to find out about it firsthand.

Disclaimer: UbiSoft owns Prince of Persia and Revokov owns the Supercondensed idea.

ooo

ONCE UPON A TIME there's this kingdom and it's called INDIA and it's all like YOU N00BS WE PWN YOU ALL but then PERSIA comes and SACKS the place. Also there's this PRINCE who's a FR33K in life as WE KNOW IT but in the game he's got MAD SKILLZ.

Prince: Looka me! I run on de wallz and jump on de enemeez and-Oh, wait; I've got some gay British accent.

He DOES. Prince OWNS UP THE PLACE and EVERYONE looks like some THREE YEAR OLD. Suddenly Prince finds this THING and it's called the DAGGER OF TIME and it's all SHINY.

Prince: D00D it's BLUE!

The DAGGER makes Prince able to REWIND while making that weird scratchy noise the VCR does.

Prince: D00D it's BLUE!

ALSO ALSO ALSO Prince's dad finds the HOURGLASS OF TIME, which is full of SAND, for some ODD REASON. The VIZIER, who looks strangely like SARUMAN, comes to PLAY with the PERSIANS. He sees the DAGGER and is AWESTRUCK by its POWER.

Vizier: D00D it's BLUE!

They take the HOURGLASS along with some SMOKIN HOT BABES back to the SULTAN OF SOMEWHERE THAT'S NEVER ACTUALLY MENTIONED.

Sultan: I always wanted a shiny.

BUT the VIZIER is a BADEVILMANDUDE and makes Prince STICK the DAGGER into the HOURGLASS.

Everyone: D00D it's BLUE!

The SANDS OF TIME are UNLEASHED from the HOURGLASS and the VIZIER cackles like the WICKED WITCH FROM THE WEST.

Vizier: Fly my pretties, fly!

Prince sulks like that ROBOT from HITCHHIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY as the SANDS EXCAPE and pulls the DAGGER from the HOURGLASS.

Prince: (Marvin) Life sucks.

SUDDENLY there's an AVALANCE and Prince FIGHTS with EVIL DEFORMED SAND ZOMBIES FROM HELL ON CRACK.

Sand Creatures: One of us...one of us...one of us...

Because he doesn't have a CHAINSAW or SHOTGUN, Prince has to use his SWORD and the DAGGER.

Sand Creatures: D00D it's BLUE!

The DAGGER pwns ALL the Sand Creatures and makes them CRY. Prince runs after this BABE who is wearing a LOW-CUT ROBE DRESS THING that BLOWS in the BREEZE.

Prince: Gonna get me sooomme!

THEN, there's more ROCKS that FALL from the CEILING because there's SAND all over the place and it's DESTROYING the PALACE. Prince finally FINDS the BABE and her name is FARAH.

Farah: You suck because you destroyed my life and stuff.

Prince: What was that? You have beautiful breasts—I said eyes.

She DOES. She also has this USELESS BOW and gets KILLED whenever Prince turns his BACK.

Farah: (pathetically) Help me!

Prince: The things I do to get laid...

SUDDENLY, Prince faces off with his dad.

Prince: (Luke Skywalker) You killed my father!

Sand Creature: (Darth Vader) No, Prince. I am your father. (Dies)

Prince is SAD because his POPPY is DEAD like DISCO. He TEARS OFF his SLEEVE in order to look WOUNDED.

Prince: (Gollum) It burns, it does, precious!

Farah: Queer.

They GLARE at each other because THAT'S WHAT LOVERS DO. Then, they go into some BATHHOUSE.

Prince: Who wants to go skinny-dipping?

Farah: Only if I get to kill you first.

THEN, the Prince gets a new SWORD which for SOME REASON was LEFT sitting on some PEDESTAL.

Prince: Sweeeeeet.

This SWORD somehow has the POWER to BREAK walls. Also, it is SHINY.

Prince: So? It's not blue.

Using the SWORD, Prince finds an excerpt from PETER PAN called a MAGIC FOUNTAIN. It is filled with 78 percent CRACK COCAINE SOLUTION and makes Prince think his HEALTH IS EXTENDED.

Prince: (Tyrone Biggums) Man, das some gooooood crack! My health is big! (giggles)

FARAH makes some DUMB comment about the SWORD and the two MOVE ON.

Farah: My comment wasn't dumb.

Yes, it WAS. ANYWAY, they go FARTHER into the DARK AND SPOOKY castle and find MORE EVIL DEFORMED SAND ZOMBIES FROM HELL ON CRACK.

Farah: This is starting to seem like some stupid video game.

Prince: I know. What's a video game?

Just when it seems like Prince will DIE, he PWNS THEM ALL WITH HIS SKILLZ.

Sand Creatures: D00D it's BLUE!

Prince: (Mortal Kombat) Fatality. Prince of Persia wins.

Then, after RUNNING UP TONS OF WALLS and SWINGING off POLES and TURNING TURNSTILES, Prince and Farah reach a NEW SWORD.

Prince: Damn, bitch, you are fiiiine!

Farah: I know.

Prince: Not you, asshole, the sword.

NOW, Prince tears off his OTHER SLEEVE because his muscles are TOO BIG.

Farah: Why didn't you tell me you needed a seamstress?

THEN, there's more puzzles and Prince CONTINUES to KICK SERIOUS ASS.

Farah: You fight like an animal...

Prince: Sex does that to you. Wait, what?

THEN, they get SEPARATED going through this SEWER and Prince ends up in the PRISON. He gets TIRED of his POOFY shirt and TEARS IT OFF, throwing over the edge and doing a dance.

Prince: I'm-too sexy for my shirt-too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts!

There are these WEIRD OLD MEN ZOMBIES with SICKLES that swarm Prince but he PWNS THEM.

Old Man Sand Creature: (Family Guy) Hey, Paperboy, you like popsicles?

Prince: Eat Dagger.

Sand Creature: D00D it's BLUE!

Prince FIGHTS HIS WAY through the guards and ENDS UP in this GARDEN ATRIUM, where FARAH is under siege.

Farah: Help me!

Prince: Tell me something I didn't know.

Prince OWNS THE PLACE LIKE A KING EXCEPT HE'S A PRINCE and "collapses".

Farah: (Stroking his hair) It's alright, it's okay.

Prince: (Thinking) My head is in her laaap, my head is in her laaap...

They go into ANOTHER PLACE and Farah SNEAKS through a CRACK while Prince shows his ACROBAT SKILLZ.

Prince: Bitch. Why can she crawl through cracks?

He finds this PLACE with a STATUE and an ANNOYING DOOR PUZZLE. All the while FARAH is SCREAMING AT HIM.

Prince: JUST TELL ME WHERE THE HELL YOU ARE!

Farah: I'm right here!

EVENTUALLY he gets to this BATHHOUSE. Prince and Farah confess that they LOVE EACH OTHER and have a HOT and STEAMY BATHTUB SCENE.

Prince: (Quagmire) Ohh-riiight!

Farah: (breathy Cortana) Bet you can't stick it.

Prince DOES. He wakes up to find that Farah TOOK HIS STUFF.

Prince: Oh, no you didn't, girlfriend. (Snap snap snap)

But she DID. Prince goes into an ANNOYING PUZZLE MIRROR ROOM and finds a SWEET-ASS SWORD.

Prince: Damn, where are all these things coming from?

The SWORD OWNS UP THE PLACE and KILLS everything in ONE HIT. Prince FLOORS EVERYBODY and finds Farah.

Farah: (Princess Leia) Help me, Obi-Wan Prince...You're my only hope.

Prince runs to save her but SOMEONE put STRAWBERRY JELLY on the DAGGER and so Prince CAN'T GRIP IT. Farah FALLS and DIES.

Prince: Man, and she was hot, too. Oh, wait, gotta look bad-ass.

He DOES. Prince gets ANGRY and OWNS EVERYONE EVEN MORE. He reaches the HOURGLASS and STICKS the DAGGER in the HOURGLASS. EVERYTHING starts to GO BACK LIKE IT WAS.

Prince: I knew I drank too much crack water.

Prince WAKES UP to find EVERYTHING like NORMAL except he has the DAGGER. He goes to talk to FARAH but she doesn't know WHO THE HELL HE IS.

Farah: Um, hello, police? There's a strange man in my room...

But Prince tells her a STORY about the GAME and it TURNS OUT that's all the GAME WAS. BUT BUT BUT, the WICKED VIZIER OF THE EAST comes in to RUIN the SHOW.

Vizier: (Sean Connery) What a nice party. Pity I wasn't invited.

The Vizier can CLONE himself LIKE THAT SHEEP but is still a PATHETIC final BOSS.

Prince: Toodles, Farah. You're hot. Oh, take this Dagger

Farah: D00D it's BLUE! Wait, before you go...who are you?

Prince: Call me...Chitty Chitty Bang Bang!

Farah: (Gasp) The password!

THE CREDITS ROLL.