A Family Affair
A Tale of Hair and Lust
Original Concept by: Evilkeen
This is a tale about people, their foibles, and their relationships to one another. A tale about a young man by the name of Cloud Strife, his wife, and his family of friends. It is an epic tale of sorrow and loss, about Coffee Abuse and Haircuts, and at the end of it, Cloud may discover just what it means to have family.
But not really.
This story starts off--as stories often do-- with a bright and cheerful morning. The dew had settled gently on the grasses. In the small town of New Nibelheim, peace and quiet reigning supreme. Birds flapped from house to house, humming their happy little tunes and generally being the stupid avians that they are. Squirrels chattered meaninglessly. At one end of the town stood Nibelheim's School District with the Elementary and High Schools sitting across to one another over a large quadrangle. On the other side of town, was the Pub and for some reason, right up next to it was a 24-hour open-air fishmarket. And there, at the center of town, Cloud's Commune for Retired Universe-Savers stood, immutable as rock. The Commune was an enormous building by private home standards, four stories; built of fine Redwood (it's amazing what an Omnislash can do to one of those giant trees.) It was home to those people who had saved the Universe, and were now able to live a more peaceful, more harmonious and now almost completely tax-free life for it. The heroes who had--if not managed to save a major metropolis from complete and utter annihilation--at least were still alive at the end of it all and able to take credit for Sephiroth's death, (a person whom nobody liked anyway.) And those self-same people were about to be roused in the usual manner of Cloud's Commune.
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing
click
groan
"What the? DWAAHHH! GIANT YELLOW SEA URCHIN! ON MY HEAD! HELP! HEEEELLL... Oh, wait, it's my hair.... Ummm... NEVER MIND FOLKS, FALSE ALARM!"
In this manner the household was roused. Luckily for Cloud, each person had a private room isolated enough from his own that he couldn't hear the scatalogical replies about his relationship to his mother. The first person to climb out of bed was, of course, the one who heard him the loudest, his wife and bed mate, Tifa, and while Cloud had gone back to bed to sleep off his embarrassment, Mrs. Strife felt it was past time to get some breakfast. She hopped out of bed with a sound that uncannily mimicked water balloons in a dryer, and pulled on her bathrobe and those undeniably cute moogle slippers Cloud had given her for her birthday. Rapidly dressing herself she then started walking downstairs, she was halfway to the first landing when she heard someone muttering to themselves in rapid-fire from downstairs...
"Mmm-good-stuff-yes-good-stuff-hey-it's-gone-who-drank-it-me?-couldn't- have-been-me-need-to-clear-head-need-another-cup-hey -look-the-pot's-empty-better-make-a-new-one-but-then-therewouldbesomuchleftterriblewastebetterdrinkitall."
Tifa cautiously turned the corner and looked. A tiny cat-creature with a ludicrous tin crown on its head was mumbling to itself and brandishing the coffee-pot like a broadsword.
"Cait Si-iiith..."
Tifa was using the loving-yet-somehow-vampiric tone she regularly used to convince Cloud that, 'yes, he really would rather stay in bed with her instead of going out and being Mayor of New Nibelheim.' Cait Sith spun, making three full revolutions before he stopped, reoriented himself towards the sound of her voice and stared guiltily at her at her.
"Oh. Ahem. H-h-h-el-lo T-t-t-i-fa..." Cait was clearly trying to keep his diminutive little voice under control...Badly.
Tifa's smile somehow beamed larger on her face, "Hi Sith. I was wondering why you're always so hyper. And why we're always out of coffee. I guess now I know."
"Ah." He acknowledged her. The coffee-pot came out of hiding from behind his back, "Please don't tell anyone. Reputation and all. Plus, they might try to take it away from me."
"Fine, fine. Say Cait, whatever happened to that Moogle-thing you were riding before?"
"I, um, liberated him. To his natural habitat."
Elsewhere:
The village was in chaos. Moogles were running left and right, trying to escape the Juggernaut's Paws of Fury. One, a moogle with the strange three-pointed hat of the Moogle Priest, was shouting.
"Kupo! Kupo, kupo, Koo-pohh, KUPO!" Translation: "Oh great gods of Moogledom, why have you unleashed thy Juggernaut upon us? Why?"
Suddenly, a shadow fell across the priest. He turned around. Oh gods. It was the Juggernaut. And it bent down and grabbed him and...Hugged him?
In the kitchen:
"Hmmm..." hmmmed Tifa. "Well, make some more coffee. The others are going to be up, soon."
At about the same time, on the third floor of the commune, Cid Highwind was just coming awake.
"Ahhh..." Cid lightly returned to the reality of wakefulness, another beautiful day of working on the Highwind, of instructing his techies, another great day. Marred only by the fact that his own house had been destroyed by an accident due to pilot error, he and Shera--his housemate--were living temporarily at the Cloud Commune and his bed had stained, sweaty sheets and Shera in it, who was also just waking up.
"Glerk..." they both said simultaneously. Cid recovered first.
"By the Misses Strife's sacred short skirt, what are you doing in my bed?" He yelped
"Your bed!" she said incredulously, "This is my bed!"
"You crazy sex-starved wench! You walked in here, boinked my brains out, and then have the gall to call it my fault?" Cid was slowly backing up and trying to wrap the sheets modestly around his waist.
"Me?" Shera snarled, while attempting to do the same in the opposite direction. "You were the one waiting in my bed to rape me! I can't believe this!"
"It ain't my fault you can't control your hormones worth a damn!"
"It isn't my fault you're so perverted you raped me!"
"Lady, you are crazy! You must've drunk too much of the vodka! I saw you guzzling the stuff like it was a Potion or something'!"
"I saw you doing the same thing!!"
"Yeah, so I was drunk, and you took advantage of me!"
"What? Me taking advantage of you! Hah!"
"Awww damn... this is some sorta weird dream...!" By this time, the bedsheet had reached the end of its slack and both parties were tugging on the opposite ends.
"Do you often have" yank "dreams where you're making love to me?" Shera cried indignantly.
"Frankly, yeah, that's why" tug "I let you be my roommate back in Rocket Town!" Cid retorted.
"Well that's the same reason that I asked in the first place!"
At about that point in the dialogue, the tensile stresses on the sheet reached the critical point.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip
A lengthy pause. Somewhere, a dog barked; then…
WHAM! WHAM! WHAM! Barrett, hammering on the wall.
"PIPE DOWN IN THERE OR I BASH BOTH YOUR F**KIN' LOVESICK HEADS!"
And silence resumed in the suddenly sweaty room of Cid Highwind.
"Err..." said a male voice under the sheets.
"Umm..." replied a female voice intelligently.
"Say... D'you think breakfast can wait a while?"
In response, Shera picked up Cid's Javelin from next to the bed, and hurled it at the door with such force that the door slammed shut leaving the spear embedded in it.
"You know," said Cid, climbing back into bed, "That door's gotta cost something..."
"Screw the door." murmured Shera, "and screw breakfast."
Cid grinned, "I'd rather..."
Meanwhile, in the corridor, the door, still gently trembling, shook a small white sign free of its tenuous grip on the door. The sign, marked DO NOT DISTURB, clattered to the floor.
Barrett's toe stubbed on some little piece of wood. "That's just great", he thought. "That's all I need. Spike-head wakes everybody up with that damn "Urchin" s**t at five AM again, Marlene's having trouble in school, I've got chain-gun marks on my back from sleeping on my arm, Shera and Cid don't even have the civility to save this soap-opera-sex s**t for after breakfast, and I stub my toe. Just super."
In fury, he flung open a hall closet. Or at least it looked like a hall closet.
Some time ago, after realizing that Shinra Manor was prime real estate and selling it at a hefty profit margin, Vincent had walked up to Cloud and asked to stay at his Commune. Cloud had taken Vincent's coffin and worked it into the wall of the building unfortunately in a very closet-like manner. Thus, Barrett was rather shocked when Vincent pitched out from behind the door and onto the floor.
"Barrett!" said Vincent in severe tones, "There was no need for that!"
"Wha--? Oh, it's you " Barrett eyed the still-prone figure lying on the hardwood floor.
"Yes, it's me. You weren't expecting me?"
"Mornin' to you too, Vamp-boy."
Vincent and Barrett walked downstairs, to where Tifa and Cait Sith were making breakfast.
"Hi Vincent! How are you? And Barrett! We made your favorite! Two whole sirloins, a stack of hash browns, a pitcher of orange juice, one carton scrambled eggs..."
Vincent sat down at the table and started eating his breakfast in moody silence. Barrett brightened considerably at the thought of food. He looked at Cait Sith, and yanked the coffee-pot away from him.
"Hey! That's mine!"
"Shaddup, ya two-foot freak! Some of us don't have java for blood!"
Tifa started snickering at this for no reason Barrett could see, and Cait shot her a murderous glare. "Damn whackos," thought Barrett. "They're all a bunch of damn whackos."
He chewed moodily for a while, hoping someone would notice, but had only the accompanying moody chewing of Vincent who stared in intense silence at a picture of Count Chocula on a Cereal Box.
"Hey Tifa!" asked Barrett finally breaking the silence with some attempted light conversation, "How come spike-head did the urchin thing again?"
Tifa gave him a knowing smile. "He only does it when he's really confused. Like, say, when he's hung over. Or the morning after we make love."
"But the only time we've had a party in two months was last night! So how come he does it so damn... often..." Barrett trailed off and stared fixedly at his steak. "Damn whackos."
* * *
"We welcome you, oh Juggernaut, who was brought to us by the small black cat-king, into the society of Moogles." The Juggernaut looked perplexed at this, then a smile crossed its face, and it grabbed the priest and started throwing him up in the air like a toy, in celebration A great cheer went up from the Moogles "KUPO!"
* * *
Meanwhile, back in the still-darkened room of Cid Highwind:
"God, but I'm exhausted."
"Me too. Ya wanna have breakfast?"
"Maybe..."
"Yeah. Maybe."
"Let me see if I can find my clothes..."
Cloud walked down the hall. He was happy. It was another glorious day! But, then, for him, it always seemed to be a glorious day...He noticed that one of the DO NOT DISTURB signs had been knocked onto the floor. He picked it up, and was about to put it on the door when the door opened. It was Shera, looking thoroughly flushed.
"Cloud!"
The door slammed in his face. Cloud blinked a few times, and then put the sign in his pocket.
He didn't know why, but under the circumstances, it seemed like the polite thing to do.
"Hi, gang!" greeted Cloud
"WHAT?" Barrett practically spun in his chair.
Tifa looked at him oddly. "Cloud, what on Earth possessed you to say that?"
"Uh, I don't know... weird..."
Tifa scampered over to him and threw her arms around him.
"How's my big, strong warrior husband today?"
"Uh, fine."
Other men would have stood there and relished the moment, but Cloud had things to do. Breakfast to eat. A town to run. After a few moments, Tifa let go of his torso. He walked over and picked up the Nibelheim Times. After a moment, he reached out and got a cup of coffee from Cait Sith, and for some reason Tifa smirked. Vincent continued being stoic and moody. Barrett was concentrating very hard on his second steak.
"So boss, what's on the agenda?" Self-Declared-Mayoral-Advisor-Cait Sith queried his fearless leader.
Cloud Shrugged while sipping his coffee. "Nothing much. You go settle the debate over whether the fish market across the street is affecting the bar's revenue. I go talk to the children at Nibelheim Elementary."
Cait Sith made a face, "Aww, cute PR stunt, boss, but can't you find anything better to do?"
"C'mon Cait. It's important work. And you know I love kids."
"Yeah," grumbled the diminutive cat, "that's why you and the Misses keep a supply of contraceptives in the john. Ow!"
Tifa put the Frying pan away again as Cait Sith crumpled onto the table.
"Could I read the paper after you're done?" Barrett asked in a tone that was trying very hard to be conversational.
Cid and Shera walked down the stairs, carefully, so as not to draw attention to themselves. They were about as successful as Rufus' defence of Midgar. After all, it's not too easy to ignore two people of opposite gender walking down the stairs with sweat-stained clothing, and Barrett certainly didn't help.
"Lookie here, it's the two love-birds." Barrett grunted, never looked up from the Times.
"Hello, Barrett." Cid would have blushed, but he couldn't show any sign of weakness, or that Barrett was right.
"How come you two are out of the love-nest?"
"Breakfast, Barrett."
"Gonna need plenty of energy where you're goin'."
"Shut the hell up, Barrett."
"I need some sleep tonight. Could you two keep the moans down for a few hours?"
"Go to hell, Barrett."
Cloud, thinking he sensed a conflict, spoke up.
"Hey, Cid! Aren't you supposed to be working on Highwind?"
"Uh, yeah, right Cloud." Cid said distractedly.
"Why not take Shera with you? She's teaching a Mechanical Engineering class a few blocks away." He suggested.
"Sure Cloud. Um, thanks."
Cid and Shera fled into the outdoors, with an air of deep crimson embarrassment. Meanwhile, Cloud turned to Barrett.
"Now Barrett, that was hardly fair."
"Rrr..."
"Seriously Barrett," Cloud put his hands on his hips, "did you have to embarrass them like that?"
"Look, Spike-head, I don't know about you, but I'm worried about Marlene, dammit! She's growin' up in this f**ked up little 'Commune' thing, where guys fall out of the closet, where you're living out some demented TV producer's dream of 8 people crammed into one house..."
"Speaking of Marlene, where is she?" Tifa interjected.
"...Where a freaky little thing is Advisor to the Mayor and you can hear people performing various warped sex acts through these flimsy walls. It ain't right!" finished Barrett.
Tifa called upstairs "Marlene! Time for school!"
Cloud laid a hand on Barrett's shoulder.
"Look, Barrett. Marlene survived what could easily have been the End of the World. Anything that was going to affect her psychologically has already happened. So quit bugging yourself."
Marlene skipped down the stairs.
"Hi, Daddy! Hi, Uncle Cloud! Hi, Aunt Tifa!"
Barrett picked her up and held her.
"Marlene, you be a good girl at school today. Don't cause no trouble, okay?"
"Okay, daddy!"
Marlene put on her knapsack and started walking towards the door. Suddenly she turned around with a questioning look on her face.
"Daddy, what's cunnilingus?"
Across the room, Cloud developed a nosebleed. While Barrett inhaled his second steak by accident.
"Marlene! Where did you hear that word?" Tifa was shocked, as were they all, but her mothering instinct prevailed.
"I heard Aunt Shera and Uncle Cid talking about it through my floor! What is it?"
"Umm, we'll tell you when you get home from school. Move along now."
Tifa practically pushed the little girl out the door. The door closed. Tifa and Barrett looked questioningly at the bleeding Cloud. He mentally cowered.
"I think I'm late for my appointment at the school."
****
"Mr. Strife. How are you?" asked the Elementary School Principal.
"Umm, fine, I think..."
"Well, the children are waiting in the library. I think they'll simply be thrilled to have the Mayor tell them a story."
"Oh. A story. Okay."
Cloud entered the library. There must have been a hundred little tykes. And every one of them wanted a different story. Some wanted to hear about Sephiroth. Some wanted to hear about Aeris. But one persistent little voice in the back always drew his attention.
"Hey *sswipe! How come your hair's so screwed?"
Cloud's Mako-blue eyes narrowed as he scanned the crowd for the source of that voice. He marched over to a kid in the fourth row who was clearly a product of genetic imbalance, being almost as tall as Cloud himself. His hair was cut into a Mohawk, and he wore a jacket covered with patches, each patch belonging to a different gang. Not only that, but this little runt had a tattoo of a dragon all over the left side of his face which undulated as the kid spoke; it was distracting the hell out of Cloud.
Cloud restrained the irrational instinct to slash this boy in two.
But he'd left his sword at home, and anyway, he was Mayor. He had an image to worry about. But he could get back in other ways...
"Oh, don't pay attention to Bernard," said the teacher "He doesn't mean to be rude."
"Yeah I do." spat Bernard "How come your hair's so screwed?"
"Oh, please don't listen to Bernard. He's just... different."
"Correction." said Cloud, addressing the crowd of children, "He's absolutely right."
He turned to the crowd of children
"Ber-naaaarrrdd," drawled Cloud slowly, "wants to know why my hair is like this. Do you?"
Some of the kids nodded assent.
"Do
More nodding. Some shouts of "Yeah!"
"I can't hear you!"
"YEAH!" shouted the children.
"Okay then." said Cloud, and launched into the tale...
Once, a long, long time ago, before Sephiroth, before Jenova, before Shinra even, I was a boy. Much like you kids, but a little bit older. I laughed, and played, and was a happy little boy. But then, something happened. My hair started falling out.
My father took me to a doctor, who said he couldn't find anything wrong with me. So then my father took me to see a mage. He was a short little man, with a straw hat and a blue robe and big, luminous eyes. And he said to my father, "I'm afraid your son has follicular parasite-supernutaralis. In laymen's terms, he has been afflicted by the will of Rogair, demon lord of male pattern baldness.
"We have two choices at this point. The boy can either allow himself to go spear bald, or leave on a Quest. But beware! For if he takes the quest, he must face the Dark Barber, and the three Spirits of Crossovers Past, Present and Future."
And so, since I didn't want to go bald, I began my Quest. I journeyed for many days and many nights, and fended off many strange monsters, until I arrived at the border of the Pit of Rogair. And as I started my descent into the Pit, I heard something behind me. As I turned around, I saw an inter-time gate opening behind me, leaving one man standing there.
His face was what first got me. It was, somehow, more real than a human face should be marred only by the scar on his forehead. I stared him in the face, and after some time I tore my eyes away, and looked at the rest of him. The clothing he wore made him look looked like a cross between a reject from a homosexual disco and a soldier.
"Cloud. I am the Spirit of Crossovers Future. I am here to warn you that if you should survive your quest, your life will become so overly dramatic you will barely be able to stand it."
"Oh."
"Er, yes." The Spirit looked oddly uncomfortable.
"Well? Anything else?"
"Um, no, that was it..."
"Hey! Want a Potion?"
"Er, okay."
So I tossed him a Potion, and I got one for myself, and we exchanged manly banter until it was time for him to go back to the Future.
"Goodbye, Future Spirit! May we meet again!" I waved goodbye.
"Errm, yes. Whatever." And with that, he vanished.
So again, I descended into The Pit. And deeper and deeper I went, until I met another Spirit. And this spirit was wearing oddly shaped armor.
"Hello, Cloud. I am the Spirit of Crossovers Present. I am Ramza."
"Did you know that that armor makes you look like a girl?" I pointed out.
"Hey! I didn't make this armor!" he said in a defensive voice.
"Who did?"
"The Story Gods."
Cloud broke off his tale for a moment. "And remember kids, the Story Gods are your friends!... unless they put you in a love triangle and kill off one of your romantic interests and make you Save the Universe, in which case they aren't. Then they're cosmic b**tards who screw with your life."
"Oh." I said.
"I am here to deliver a message: Beware the Spirit of Crossovers Past, for he covets thy better technology, and thy better platform, and thy lack of censorship, and thy women."
"Oh. Um, right." I said in a confused voice, 'Better Platform'?
And as quickly as he had appeared, he was gone. And so I continued my quest, and so, I found the Pole, which marked the residence of the Dark Barber. And He appeared, in a flash of light.
"Greetings. I am Kef- I mean Effka, your barber. Trim? Cut? Hack? Destroy?"
"I need something to keep my hair in."
"How 'bout a paper bag?"
Somewhere in the distance, there was a "B-doomp-boomp-Ting!" and a sound of booing.
"I meant keep it on my head."
"Oh! Take this. Rub it into your scalp, and then sit over in the Chair."
"The chair?"
"Not the chair, you imbecile! The Chair!"
"Ohhh... the Chair."
And so, I sat upon the Chair and followed his instructions on the bottle which told me to remain in the chair for a full hour at all costs, or suffer the dire consequences. And so I waited, and waited...
Suddenly, with a slight giggle, Tifa appeared through the door. I was so surprised that I almost got out of my Chair.
"Tifa, what're you doing here?"
"I just followed you. Heehee!"
Effka walked over, took one look at Tifa, and spluttered.
"Young lady! What in -NINTENDO-CENSOR- do you think you're doing here?"
"Waiting for Cloud!"
"But it's dangerous!"
"Oh, no it isn't. Cloud killed all the bad monsters!"
"Oh -NINTENDO-CENSOR-! I don't care about the monsters! You have to look out for..."
And then, without warning, a new time-rift opened nearby. And out stepped a strange man. He was all white and red, and looked like he was made of thousands upon thousands of tiny cubes. He looked around, then his eyes lit up when he saw Tifa. He reached out and pulled her to his blocky chest, and grabbed a buttock with his spare hand.
Cloud noted that at this point the kids all had confused looks on their faces and the teachers were eyeing him darkly, he made a note about editing out all the 'sexual language' in the future.
"Hey! Ow!" Tifa struggled in an iron grip, "Let go! Hey! Keep your hands off of that! Help!"
"All riiiigghhhtt..." spoke the blocky man aloud, "Finally, a woman worthy my might and power! No more 32 x 32 pixel chicks for me anymore! Somebody actually worth -NINTENDO-BIG-TIME-CENSOR-ing!"
As Tifa fought and struggled vainly in his grip, Effka stepped forwards.
"Unhand that disturbingly well-endowed young woman, you 8-bit fiend!"
The red guy grinned. He transferred Tifa to one hand, and then pulled out his sword. He waved it at Effka like a wand...And Effka dropped to the ground, in mortal agony. The sword never touched him.
I looked at my watch. Two more minutes, two more minutes and I would have been free. But that red guy was dragging Tifa towards the rift, and groping with his free hand. She struggled mightily, but it was clear that she wasn't going to get away from him in time...
Without thinking, I leapt off the Chair. My head exploded into flames, but it somehow didn't hurt. The red guy was clearly amazed. I ran at him in fury, and kicked him square in the middle of his chest. He dropped Tifa and toppled backwards into the rift, which closed behind him. As for me, I had vastly overestimated the force I needed to kick him, and thus I deflected backwards into the room, spinning end over end, finally bouncing off my skull and landing unconscious.
"Cloud! Cloud! Wake up!" I opened my lids to see my childhood friend staring concerned at me.
"Huh? What is it?"
"Oh Cloud, you sacrificed having sane hair for me. Thank you." She burst into tears.
"Huh? Oh, it was nothing. Have you got any aspirin? Maybe a Cure?"
And from that day forth, My hair was spiky. He never saw Effka or any of the spirits again, but I always remembered them in my heart.
"...and that's the story. Any questions?"
"Yeah." snorted Bernard. "You expect us to believe that load of c**p?"
"No, not really." Cloud's face was lighting up with malicious glee; this was just what he was waiting for. "That's why I brought proof."
And with a single motion, he flicked a tiny speck of goo at Bernard. It landed on the top of his head. A blast of white fire engulfed the top of Bernard's skull, and when it was over...
"Pigtails?"
Yes, indeed. The entire school stared at Bernard, who's impressive Mohawk had given way to a pair of long strands of brown hair. The first person to laugh was the teacher. Then the other children, one after the other, started laughing and laughing and laughing. Bernard panicked, screaming "It's not my hair! It isn't! I'll kill you! I'll kill you, you motherf**ker!" Cloud walked out of the school, an expression of malicious joy on his face. He could just barely hear, over the roar of the laughter, teachers snickering, Marlene proudly bragging "That was my Uncle Cloud!"
This was turning into a GREAT day.
****
"Okay then," said Cait Sith tiredly, "So the fish market has been instilling in your bar a scent of trout?"
"Yes." Said the irate bartender.
"And you think that this is decreasing your revenue?
"Yes."
"Easy answer. Start serving fish."
"????"
"Yep. Think about it. Your bar smells like trout already, and smelling fish makes people want fish." Cait waxed on lyrically, "Not only that, but you can work out a great trade agreement with the fish market owner."
"Hmmm. I'll think it over."
"Yep. Great, another easy victory for the Mayor's office. NEXT!"
Meanwhile, back at the house, Vincent looked around. Tifa had gone out for groceries, everyone else was at work. Perfect, he took a deep, deep breath, and...
"WAAAAHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA -gasp-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-gasp- AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Damn, that felt good. He'd fallen right out of his chair, but he didn't care. He was just going to lay here on the floor for a while. Yeah. That's the ticket...
Lewis ran the Pharmacy department of the New Nibelheim grocery store, and it was a good job, a fine job, a respectable job with only one bad point.
Mrs. Strife
And here she was, "oh god..."
"The usual, Lewis."
"Okay." said Lewis, placing on the counter one sack Chocobo Greens and one bottle contraceptive pills. The idea of Mrs. Strife, under the effects of the aphrodisiacs contained in Chocobo Greens and the chemical freedom from consequences allowed by the other, would have sent some of Lewis' more perturbed friends into sweaty-palmed ecstasy. All it did to Lewis was make him dangerously nauseous and deeply guilty.
"124 Gil, Mrs. Strife."
And then she was gone. Lewis calmly walked into the back room and started gibbering like an electroshocked monkey.
Cloud was sitting in New Nibelheim city hall, planning next year's budget, when the call came through.
"Gentleman here to see you, sir."
"Oh. Send him right in."
The door opened and Cloud found himself staring at this knee, and on top of the knee was a man who would probably have trouble driving goodly-sized 18 wheelers comfortably.
"Is youse da guy what screwed wit' my kid's hair?" spoke the rather large gentleman.
"Er, yes." Said Cloud, unable to take his eyes off of the man's knee.
"Well den, I think that youse..."
He advanced slightly, and Cloud looked up at his demonic face.
"... is one heck uvva mayer."
"What?"
"We been tryin' to get Bernard to stop bein such a mean an' despicable poison, an' ta get a better haircut than that stoopid Mohawk. Ya fixed both my problems. Thanks. Ya got my vote."
And with that, the man turned and walked out.
Cloud kind of stared at the ceiling for a while, having found the stippled texture to suddenly be quite fascinating. Okay, then, always nice to meet a supporter.
Loaded with groceries, the motorcycle tore down the otherwise peaceful streets of New Nibelheim. Fortunately, the bags were well secured, otherwise Tifa's groceries could have flown off and seriously injured bystanders. As it was, an avocado belted Mr. Williams in the rear, frightening him enough to cause him to jump into a trash heap.
"Sorry!" screamed Tifa over the roar of the engines. The cycle leapt over a hill and started to cruise down Strife Street, the area of town named after her husband, where the Commune and the forever-undergoing-repairs Highwind were. She slowed, and then braked next to the Highwind.
"Hey! Cid! Shera! You guys need a ride home?"
"Naah!"
"We'll walk!"
"Okay!" Tifa said shrugging, she moved the gearshift forward, and tore along the road towards the manor. In her side mirror, a rapidly shrinking Shera yanked a rapidly shrinking Cid into the bushes.
"You know, we should have gone with her." Cid sighed.
"No big deal. You know, last night..."
"Yeah, I know, sorry. You know, I didn't expect to lose my virginity while I was drunk either."
"Really? You had sex for the first time while you were drunk? When was this?"
"Er... Last night."
"But... but..." Shera's face was bright pink. "You're 35, and you were a virgin until last night?
"Yep."
Shera couldn't help but start giggling.
"I can't believe this. Oh god, this is hilarious!"
Cid looked at her accusingly, "and I suppose you're 'experienced'?"
"Hey, I thought the whole point of Second-year Engineering was to repeatedly get drunk and laid."
Cid's eyes narrowed, "I thought my roomates went out to 'visit their mothers' a few too many times a week…"
Meanwhile, on the floor of the Commune for Retired Universe-Savers:
Vincent's eyes shot open. He'd fallen asleep on the floor. What time was it? 5:00? Oh no. He had to get up. It just wasn't right for him to be sleeping on the floor. He pulled himself up off the floor, and was sitting deep in pathos when Tifa came in.
"Hi, Vincent!"
"Hello." Came his voice from the direction of the floor, sounding as if nothing was unusual.
"Does fish sound okay for supper?"
"Yes."
"Okay then. Could you pass me the scaler?"
"Very well."
"You know, Vincent, you're always so glum. You need to loosen up a bit."
And that night at dinner, they all gathered around the table. And they ate with cheer and happiness, and not until the last scrap of food was gone did they realize something.
"Hey!" said Cait Sith "Where's Cid and Shera?"
Barrett slouched back and looked innocently up at the ceiling.
"I don't know where they are, but I betcha 25 Gil I know what they're doin..."
Tifa looked murderously at him, "Barrett, sometimes you can be a complete *sshole."
"Indeed." confirmed Vincent deadpan.
"I'll go looking for them." volunteered Cloud.
He was walking up the stairs when he noticed a glow from under the door to the computer room. "So that's what they're doing," he thought. He listened. They were talking about something...
"Nope, this one. Looks painful."
"Sure as hell does..."
A soft click
"Ho-Lee!"
"Oh god..."
"No good?"
"No good."
Cloud carefully padded up to the rim of the doorway, stuck his head around the corner, and spoke:
"Dinner's getting cold."
He couldn't have had a more profound effect on the two of them if he'd jabbed live wires through their skulls. Cid nearly crushed the monitor into the wall, covering it with his entire upper body in a gesture that just screamed "I'm doing something wrong and I don't want you to know about it." Shera whirled and stared at Cloud as if he was Aeris back from the dead.
"Oh. Hi Cloud. Me and Cid were just, err, sending E-mail to Nanaki."
"Really. A great excuse, except 1) Nanaki has no Internet connection, 2) Nanaki has no computer, and 3) Nanaki doesn't even have fingers. So what the hell are you doing?"
Cid was scrabbling to hit the "Power" switch with his left toes, but Cloud pried him off the monitor. There, in huge type, were words that would have embarrassed the Marquis de Sade:
Kama Sutra Hentai Online
Cloud looked at them. Cid grinned sheepishly.
Without saying a word, Cloud marched out of the room.
Today was becoming phenomenally weird.
Later, after Shera and Cid had eaten a serving of cold leftovers (and, Cloud noticed, helped themselves to some of Tifa's store-bought Greens.), they said they were going to turn in early, and walked back upstairs. Marlene also went out to play with her friends.
"There goes," said Vincent, gesturing at the stairs "the most screwed couple in the world."
Cloud said "How come? Because even though they've lived together for a long time, they've only fallen in love recently?"
"No, Cloud. I said screwed and I meant screwed."
An eerie silence descended.
"Vincent," Barrett said, "That is as close to a joke as you've ever come."
"Simply stating the obvious-"
"HEY EVERYBODY!" yelled Cait Sith from a nearby room, "C'MON DOWN! HURRY IT UP! IMPORTANT THING! HURRY!"
"Damn." said Barrett "Who gave the freak his megaphone back?"
"Don't ask me," replied Cloud at a loss, "I thought I burned it."
After everyone had gathered around Cait Sith, he held up a stuffed-full binder.
"Since we're so much like a giant family, I decided to make us a family album."
"Awww..." said Tifa.
"Isn't that cute?" said Shera
Barrett, Cloud and Cid looked at each other. "Gag," they all thought.
"Here you go." said Cait, handing the binder to Cloud.
"Well, okay... Hey! Here's me cutting down trees in the forest... And Barrett, teaching PE at Nibelheim Elementary..."
And so, they all gathered together, and there was warmth, and happiness, and other things macho people would call 'wussy'.
"And here's Cait Sith, saying good-bye to his Mog... And here's Nanaki and his cubs... And here's Tifa in the shower...And here's…wait-a-minute..."
"Amazin' stuff, Invisibility Materia." Cait grinned.
A single, guilty thought crossed Cloud's mind. "Jeez, Tifa looks even sexier than usual like this." Then another thought, one that was quickly beaten down, tied to a pole, and burned.
"Maybe I should try to "surprise" her, sometime..."
Tifa growled, and ripped the photo clean out of the binder. She shoved it at Cloud.
"Take it away!" she wailed.
Cloud carefully placed the picture in his pocket. Tifa ran crying from the room.
"Cait Sith..."
"Hey, what's the matter? Where's your sense of humor?"
Five minutes later:
"THIS ISN'T FUNNY!"
"No, but it is fair, Cait. You've been a mean, nasty Toysaurus."
"Okay! Okay! Destroy my Invisibility Materia! Crush my camera! Pluck out my left eyeball, for god's sake! Just don't take it away from me..."
"For god's sake, Cait, it's just coffee."
"Three months! Three months! My god, that's ninety days! Ninety days without coffee! Do you know what that will do to me?"
"Hopefully, slow you down to the pace of normal humans."
"WAAAHH! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!"
Later, after Cait Sith calmed down, he went in to talk to Tifa, and try to apologize.
"Tifa."
"Shut up."
"Tifa, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. It was a mean, nasty trick, and I shouldn't have done it."
"Well ain't that news."
"Please, please, find it in your heart to forgive me."
Tifa looked at this supplicating, pitiful creature.
"Oh hell, alright."
"Thank you! Thank you!"
Cait did a happy little dance, and started to leave the room.
"And if you ever need a photographer..."
If Cloud hadn't chanced to be stopping by, the situation could have gotten a lot worse. Tifa was strangling Cait Sith with his cape, and only Cloud's timely intervention saved Cait Sith's life. After a brief pep talk, wherein he explained that they all had to live in harmony together; that Tifa wasn't really serious when she said she wanted to shove Cait Sith's little crown where the sun doesn't shine; that maybe, just maybe Cait should ask next time he wanted to take a "candid photo", they apologized to each other, and the matter was considered settled.
Downstairs:
"Now, as I was saying," said Vincent "Cid and Shera are clearly in a state of temporary nymphomania."
"Uh-huh."
"No dispute here."
"Nor here."
"What're we talking about?"
"Cid and Shera, Cait."
"Oh."
"Ah-HEM." said Vincent. "What caused this nymphomania is unknown to me, but it seems almost..."
Upstairs:
"Cid."
"Shera."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"God, I love it when you talk dirty. It puts me in the mood"
"Lady, apparently everything I say short of reading religious texts aloud puts you in the mood."
"Bull."
"I'll prove it. Celery. Elephant. Novelization. Supeona-AHHH- Leggo!"
Sigh
"Okay..." They lay there for a while, deep in thought.
"Say, Cid, how'd you do it?"
"Do what?"
"Spend 21 years of puberty without relinquishing your virginity."
"Loong, cooollldd showers."
"Hmmm... That reminds me of an idea I got from this photo..."
She whispered her idea in his ear. A smile creased Cid's features.
"Ooohhh... Kinky."
Downstairs:
"... And that is my explanation."
"Whoah..." said Cloud
"Geez..." said Tifa
"Daddy, what does 'nymphomaniac' mean?" said Marlene, standing unobtrusively in the doorway. Barrett, faced with a parenting crisis of biblical proportions, half-fainted, half-slammed his head into the table with a bloody nose.
In the Bathroom:
The shower stall was just small enough to force physical contact, and just large enough to allow comfortable movement.
"Mmmmm..."
"I think I'm gonna like this..."
"So start liking it," said Shera, her lips mashing into his, as Cid reached for the hot water tap, and the world outside disappeared in steam...
Downstairs:
"Excuse me, gentlemen, but I need to use the facilities."
Vincent walked out, leaving Marlene, Cloud, Tifa and Cait Sith to look at the collapsed Barrett.
It was dark when Vincent got in the bathroom. He heard running water, and some strange squeaking and groaning noises. This house is ludicrous, thought Vincent. Where's that damn light switch so I can see what's going on...
"Why did Daddy faint?"
"Because Daddy's worried you'll grow up all strange and funny in a family like this."
"Why? It's just like any other family..."
"DWAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!"
Uncle Vincent found the light switch.
Cloud had never seen anybody blush with their entire body before, but that was what Cid and Shera were doing. Their bodies wrapped in towels, they apologized frenetically, and then ran back to their room.
Their room? You mean rooms, right?
"Cloud boy, Cait Sith was right. This is a family. A deranged, unrelated, incestuous, berserk family, but a family none the less..."
Vincent was passed out on the floor. Could you really blame the guy? He'd been hoping to brush his teeth and had instead gotten the kind of shock Cloud wouldn't have wished on his worst enemy. With some difficulty, Cloud and Barrett pulled Vincent up the stairs and into his coffin. It should hold him for a while. Then, everyone had gone to bed.
"Good night, Cloud!"
"Good night, Barrett!"
"Good night, Marlene!"
"Good night, Tifa!"
"Go to Hell, Cait Sith!"
Cloud lay there in bed, wondering what the next day would bring. Tifa scooted next to him, and smiled at him, and at that moment, Cloud knew that, if he didn't know what tomorrow would not bring, he did know what tomorrow morning would:
A giant yellow sea-urchin.
****
The night was silent. New Nibelheim slept. Somewhere, an owl hooted.
And then, almost synchronized, the squeaking of two sets of bedsprings
Creek-eek, creek-eek, creek-eeek...
"FOR GOD'S SAKE!" Barrett screamed to everyone in general "DON'T YOU PEOPLE EVER NEED TO SLEEP?"
THE END