Love Me Back To Life

Author: DelphieKat
Rating: T
Classification: Vignette / Angst
Spoilers: Sometime after JAG: San Diego, but without the new junior staff

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, they belong to DPB. I just borrowed them for my own entertainment, and yours too, I hope. Also, the plot isn't exactly mine… The main idea comes from a TV show very popular here, in Québec, but probably unknown anywhere else. I adapted it to our favourite characters, with quite some liberty from the original story…

Summary: What would happen to everyone at JAG if, instead of a Navy issue car and two dressed officers knocking at your door, the newspaper was the bearer of bad news?

Author's Notes: Please, read it till the end before throwing shoes and tomatoes at me.

Thanks to my beta, AeroGirl! I hope you know that you're so much more than just that!

1128 ZULU
In front of Lincoln Park
Washington, D.C.

Once again fuming at the burdens of a life with three roommates, Jennifer Coates ran down the street to get the last bus that would bring her to work on time.

Showing her bus pass strategically placed between her teeth, she fastened the last button of her overcoat and tightened her belt, preventing the cool breeze from piercing through her bones. Spotting the last seat available at the end of the bus, she hurried and sank on the plastic bench. With expert fingers, she started braiding her still damp hair, when her gaze picked up something familiar on her neighbour's newspaper.

Leaning not-so-discreetly over his shoulder to get a better view of the article, her eyes immediately grew wide as saucers, as her hand flew to her mouth to muffle a horrified gasp.

1204 ZULU
Robertses Residence
Washington, D.C.

With Jimmy safely perched on her right hip, Harriet waved her husband goodbye and ushered her older son inside. Placing the child in his high chair, as the twins were already waiting in their baby seats, she returned to the preparation of breakfast for the whole family.

Not allowed to help her with the cooking of the pancakes, Little AJ started perusing rapidly through the newspaper, trying very hard to read out loud some words here and there, since Bud and Harriet had begun to teach him how to read several months ago.

Very excited, he pointed at a picture in the paper and called his mother. "It's Auntie Mac. Mommy, it's Auntie Mac!" he repeated eagerly.

"Are you sure?" she asked him, flipping the dinosaur-shaped dough.

"Yes!" Using his index finger to underline every syllable, he frowned and started reading the text very slowly. "It says 'Sa-rah… Mac-ken-zie'…"

Placing a plate full of pancakes on the dining table, Harriet grabbed her cup of coffee and stood behind her son, glancing at her friend's picture. Taking a closer look at the text, all the colour instantly drained from her face and her strength abandoned her body. Sinking to her knees, she didn't even feel the sting of the burning liquid spilled on her lap as her eyes clouded with unshed tears.

1329 ZULU
Admiral's House
McLean, Virginia

Taking a seat on the newly acquired swing on the veranda, AJ Chegwidden enjoyed the warm rays of the sun on his face.

Since his retirement, he had forsaken his daily runs, replacing them with brisk five-mile walks in the neighbourhood every other day. Today was his day off, and instead of getting up with the sun, he had stayed in bed a little longer, and he was now enjoying a strong coffee while reading the newspaper.

Since he didn't have the Navy information channel directly in his office anymore, he relished that time of the day, as he got attuned to what had happened in the world during the last 24 hours. Suddenly, a short article caught his attention, and he adjusted his spectacles to read it, a baffled look on his face.

Sarah Mackenzie, age thirty-seven, of Georgetown, died suddenly as a result of a tragic car accident…

1415 ZULU
JAG Headquarters
Falls Church, Virginia

Utterly exhausted, Harm pushed open the glass doors leading to the bullpen. He had left Blacksburg earlier that morning, and for the first time in two weeks, a faint smile had successfully graced his features. Mattie had been in a coma for eight days, but she had finally emerged, and the doctors had revised their diagnoses, announcing that she would probably be able to walk again in a month or two. Her brain showed no sign of permanent damage, and the swelling around her spinal cord had finally subsided.

Discreetly, he headed for his office to drop his cover and briefcase on his desk, since he was already late for the staff meeting. On his way to the conference room, he all but bumped into someone. "I'm sorry, Bud. I'm having some problems keeping my eyes open lately," he apologised, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Regaining his composure, Bud drew an unsteady breath, and kept staring at the floor. "Sir, Harriet and I heard about the accident," he began in a weird voice. "If there's anything we can do, just ask, sir. You've been there for us in the past, and we want to be there for you."

Patting his shoulder amicably, Harm gave him a feeble grin that didn't quite reach his eyes. "Thanks, Bud, but it's better now."

Turning on his heels towards the general's office, he noticed Coates, whose eyes immediately filled with tears the minute she saw him. "Oh, sir," she greeted him inconsolably, wrapping him in a desperate hug.

Not really sure about how to react to that breach in protocol in public, Harm hugged her briefly, before taking a step back. "Are you okay, Jennifer?"

"We should be asking you that question, sir," she replied enigmatically. "General Cresswell has left for the Pentagon, but I already filled him in on the situation, and he's given you the rest of the week off. I thought you'd be filtering your calls, so I left the message on your cell."

Fishing in his jacket's pocket, he retrieved said phone. "The hospital personnel asked me to turn it down, to avoid any interference with the medical equipment, but I think the battery died anyway. I drove back from Blacksburg this morning, and I didn't even stop at my apartment, so I didn't get your message."

"Blacksburg?" Bud and Jennifer replied in unison.

"Yes, they haven't been able to transfer Mattie closer to Washington yet. She's not stable enough," he explained, disappointed. "Where's Mac?" he questioned, a glitter of hope in his eyes.

Bud and Coates stared at each other, completely dumbfounded, until the grave voice of their former CO broke the uncomfortable silence.

"She's gone, Harm."

Surprised, he turned around and immediately stood at attention. "Sir?"

"I'm very sorry," he apologised, resting a soothing hand on his shoulder. In his eyes, there was a look Harm had seen only once, when Judge Delaney had died, several years back.

Suddenly dreading the outcome of that conversation, Harm started shivering involuntarily, and he leaned against a desk for support. "Sir, it must be a mistake. Mac is in Norfolk, investigating a simple DDO case. She called me on Monday night. Everything was all right. It has to be an awful mistake, sir," he pleaded, tears welling up in his eyes but refusing to fall freely down his cheeks.

The retired admiral looked down. "I wish it was, Harm. When I saw her picture in the newspaper, I called Norfolk's police station, and they confirmed that Sarah Mackenzie died in a car accident Tuesday morning. There was nothing they could do. A tanker truck lost a set of wheels on the highway, and it crashed into her car. It burned down to ashes. They IDed her with her dogtags and her Corps ring. They told me she didn't even have time to realise what was happening," he added, trying to alleviate everyone's pain with that vain comment.

Harm closed his eyes for a brief second. One minute ago, he had been one of the happiest men on Earth, relieved that Mattie would finally be okay; and now, a cruel act of God had sent his whole world spinning out of control. Unable to endure the compassionate looks in his friends' eyes anymore, he walked past them, making a beeline directly to the elevators, never daring to look back.

1505 ZULU
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown, D.C.

Using his spare key, Harm almost forced his way into Mac's apartment. He had absolutely no memories of how he had got there, his mind too numb to produce the simplest clear thought, but the pain in his chest was real. Like an automaton, he removed his shoes, careful not to stain Mac's pale carpet, and he walked around the place. Wrapping his arms tightly around himself, he closed his eyes, unable to will the pain away.

The torment was like a living proof of the feelings he had for her. Fighting the pain would be like pushing her out of his life for good, accepting her death. Too many things had been left unsaid. It was worse than when his father had died, or Diane, or Jordan. When he was honest with himself, Harm had no other choice than to admit how much Mac meant to him. She had been like a little sister, because he would have done everything and anything to shield her from the pain. She was his partner, the complementary part of a special team, able to resolve any investigation, trusting each other with their very lives. She was his friend, the one who was always there for him, the faithful ear to listen to his problems, the shoulder to lean on when the truth was overwhelming. She was his soulmate, the only person able to read through him, when the words he pronounced were in direct contradiction with the expression in his eyes. She was still so much more, but there weren't any words that could describe exactly what she was to him.

Sinking onto the couch, he brought his knees to his chest, feeling his heart about to explode. Picking up a cushion right beside him, he clung to it like to dear life, inhaling her perfume with every breath. Almost immediately, the dam broke, and tears started spilling down his cheeks. Unable to resist anymore, he let the sobs lull him into a deep slumber, the ultimate place where he could still find her.

1839 ZULU
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown, D.C.

The distinct sound of a key being engaged in a lock finally woke Harm up. Getting up way too fast for his condition, he couldn't help but sway on his feet when the door swung open. But it wasn't Mac. All this hadn't been just a bad dream. Instead, it was Webb's silhouette that filled the doorframe.

"What are you doing here, Rabb?" he asked, his voice completely hollow.

Slumping back on the couch, Harm took a few seconds to answer. Normally, he would have had an acidic reply to any of Webb's questions, but it wasn't the time for harsh responses anymore. "I wanted to feel her presence one last time," he admitted, wondering for a moment how the spook had found out about the accident, but chasing the thought away almost immediately.

Clayton Webb sank into the rocking chair. "I can't believe something so trivial finally killed her. She survived so many missions—"

"No thanks to you," Harm cut him off sharply. Simply hearing the words was making the reality so much harder to bear.

"Harm," Clay tried tentatively, "I know that the Company put both your lives in danger on more occasions than I have fingers to count on, but I've always known that when you were together, nothing could have happened to the two of you." He took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a brief instant. "I screwed up in Paraguay, when I asked her to work with me, alone. Fortunately for the two of us, once again, you were there for her. I hated you for that, Rabb, but you did the one thing I have never been able to do for Sarah. You gave up everything you had to make sure she was okay. Even today, I had to sneak out of Langley to come here."

Surprised at the sudden admission, Harm softened a little bit. He had never really shared Mac's life, but Clay had. If he felt so much pain at her disappearance, he could barely imagine how it would be for someone who had loved her. For a moment, thoughts of Brumby crossed his mind, and he noted silently to call him sometimes later to break the bad news to him, too.

Someone who had loved her. Why was he dissociating himself from that thought? He had clearly told Mattie about his feelings for Mac less than a year ago; why was he denying them right now? Self-preservation instinct, or fear? He had told Mac that he would always be there for her, that he was still ready to have a child with her, but she had kept pushing him away. They had grown closer after her accident on Christmas Eve, but she had never taken him up on his offer to talk about them. "But you told her the three words she longed to hear. It's so much more than I've ever been able to say," he confessed regretfully.

"Don't beat yourself up on that, Rabb," Clay replied. "She knew it. She would have never said it, but she felt the same way. I think she was afraid of the consequences." Fidgeting with the threads of another cushion, Webb kept his gaze low. "You know how much the Marine Corps meant to her. Semper Fi and all the rest. She would have done anything for her country, but I know that if it meant moving across the continent for a promotion, she would have preferred to leave the Corps than leave you."

Deeply moved at that thought, Harm fought the tears that threatened to well up again in his eyes. He would have certainly done the same thing for her, but with his service record, it would have probably been some possible transfer overseas in order to get rid of him, rather than a promotion.

Silence washed over the room, as both men relished their memories shared with Sarah Mackenzie. A whole hour passed by, until a light knock on the door broke the tranquillity. Exchanging a quick glance with Clay, Harm got up and opened the door. Bud, Harriet, Coates and the admiral were standing in the hall, tearstains clearly visible on the women's faces.

Harriet hugged him fondly, and she spoke on the behalf of the small group. "We didn't want to leave you alone, sir. Since we couldn't find you at your apartment, we tried here. I hope you don't mind," she finished, her voice still shaky.

Engulfing her in another embrace, Harm simply nodded, not trusting his voice. He opened the door wider, inviting them inside. Once they were done greeting one another, sharing their grief through those short physical contacts, everyone took a seat in the living room.

"Without Colonel Mackenzie, I would have probably had to spend Christmas Eve in jail two years ago," Jen shared, attempting to break the heavy silence hanging over the small group.

"Without her, I would have spent my wedding day in jail," Bud added, squeezing his wife's hand.

"She helped me to endure my sweet mother on that day," Harriet continued, a passing smile lighting her features for a second. "I remember the day, when she showed up at my door, asking me to store a container of frozen sperm in my kitchen."

"In our freezer?" Bud asked, horrified. "I still remember clearly the day when I told her that your uniform would fit her, because you two had the same size," he explained, moving his hands in front of his chest, emphasising the gesture.

Leaning forward, AJ linked his hands in front of him. "I've never been able to get the whole story, but a few years ago, when I went on a weekend trip with Doctor Walden, I met Mac at the airport, and she called me Admiral Vigorous. You should have seen the shocked look on her face, when she had realised what she had said," he related with a small grin.

They continued talking for hours, recalling the happiest moments they had shared with Mac, preferring to leave the heavier memories aside.

0041 ZULU
Mac's Apartment
Georgetown, D.C.

Laboriously hauling her duffel bag over her shoulder, she made her way slowly towards the apartment door. It had been an exhausting assignment, and to add over the trouble of an investigation, her cheap motel room had been robbed while she was out calling Harm on Monday night. Surprisingly, the only things missing were her dogtags and her Corps ring, not that there were many valuable objects in her luggage.

Hearing voices inside her place, she carefully opened the door, and stopped dead in her tracks. Her friends were there, sharing a lively discussion in her living room. Nobody had acknowledged her presence yet, but it wasn't long until Harm spotted her.

The moment he laid his gaze on her, his eyes grew wide, as if he had seen a ghost. However, almost instantly, his expression changed into utter astonishment, only to be replaced immediately by a teary smile. Jumping to his feet, he launched himself at her, gathering her in a bear hug, spinning her around. "Sarah, you're alive!"

Too surprised to react, she simply held on to him, waiting for some explanations. One by one, the people present greeted her heartily, relief clearly visible in their features. With a light cough, Clayton got everyone's attention. "We'll see you soon, Sarah," he welcomed her, and ushered everyone outside, leaving Harm and Mac alone at last.

"Why do you seem so surprised to see me in my own house?" she asked him, still not understanding the sudden display of emotion.

Keeping her hands in his, he led her to the couch. "We saw your picture in the obituaries' page this morning. We all thought you were dead."

Looking attentively at his face, Mac realised that Harm was barely concealing his tears. The news must have affected him a lot. Closing her eyes, she tried to figure how she would have felt if the situation had been different, if she had read about Harm's death in the newspaper. How it would have felt if someone had told her she would never see him again. She knew what it was like; she had felt her heart break in two when his plane had crashed into the ocean, four years ago. She hadn't experienced any greater pain in her whole life. Ignoring the tears trickling down her cheeks, she embraced him tightly. "Oh, Harm!"

A few minutes passed by, and Harm ran a hand through her hair, replacing a lock behind her ear. Backing away ever so slightly, he locked his gaze with hers, refusing to let go of her completely. "Mac, I don't want to wait anymore. I've known that for so long, I can't keep it to myself one minute longer. I love you, Sarah." Placing a finger on her lips, he effectively silenced her. "Please, don't say anything. The thought of losing you drove me insane. I couldn't imagine my life without you. It's probably too late, but I thought that you ought to know it."

Mac was stunned. There they were, the words she had longed to hear for so long. He had finally said them. Gathering him into a new hug, she whispered into his ear. "I love you too, Harm. For the same reasons. I don't want to push you away anymore."

Tightening his hold on her, he simply nodded, and brushed a feather-light kiss against her neck. They soon fell asleep, exhausted, comfortably leaning into each other's arms, taking solace in the fact that they were both alive, once again.

FIN