Reborn
by Iris Anthe
Something wasn't right, and he knew it; he just couldn't explain why. If he couldn't explain why, then he couldn't arrange counter-measures. This damned lecture circuit was a security nightmare. A new venue every two days meant he had very little time to gather the necessary information for a solid defense set up. He was certain that the blueprints for this university's main hall and auditorium were outdated. He'd done a visual check and discovered that there were partitions where there should not be, and a stage door had been added where there was none marked on the plans. Heero grunted in displeasure. He was about to climb up into the lighting scaffolding, when a familiar scent warned him of her proximity.
She's looking tired. He made a mental note to check her nutritional intake for imbalances, and arrange for an early end to the obligatory social events for the next three nights. She walked in even, gentle strides, listening to the local administrators faun over her with a sadness that he found disturbing. As they passed, he surreptitiously glanced at her face, only to find that she'd halted right in front of him.
The verbal fondlers who were massed around her slowly fell silent as they stared at each other, no longer expecting an exchange of words since she had given up trying to talk to him 47 days ago. It used to be a smile, and his name, even an inquiry as to his state of health, but all such small talk had slowly drained out of her over the years.
A line appeared between her brows as her face quivered for a moment, suspended on the edge of expression. He waited, hoping for anything, even the inane small talk he'd once found so irritating, but nothing came out, and her body drew back into itself, back from reaching out to him. One of the ubiquitous hangers on shuffled his feet on the wooden floor of the stage, and she was gone, walking off to greet some early arrivals for the speech scheduled to begin in another half hour.
What did she want from him? Couldn't she see he was doing everything he could to keep her safe? Wasn't that enough? From the first, Relena had wanted something more from him than he knew how to give, but he didn't understand what she wanted, and she had given up trying to tell him.
Forty-seven days in her presence without a word. At first he'd found it to be a refreshing change. She made him tense every time she spoke to him, always on the verge of opening her heart to him like a festering wound that needed to be cauterized. But there were always people around her, every moment of every day, and even Relena Dorlian had her limits of self-exposure these days. There was a time when she'd showed her ridiculous, adolescent passion for him like a brand on her forehead, but thankfully she'd outgrown such emotional displays. The real change though, had happened after the dinner on colony X17739. The last assassination attempt.
-----
It had been a banquet in honor of her twentieth birthday, which she had tried to avoid, but had in the end felt obligated to attend. The colony's secretary treasurer, an annoyingly pushy woman in her fifties, had insisted on outfitting Relena in a drafty evening gown of white silk, though Relena had declared firmly that she'd be more comfortable in one of her loose-fitting pants suits. He was not normally involved in anything so personal as Relena's attire, but there were too many unknown people, measuring her and bustling about in proximity to her body. So he stayed and watched in growing irritation over her uncharacteristic passivity as she stood, mortified, in nothing but her slip, staring at the ceiling, while people handled her and dressed her in various gowns, finally choosing one to alter to her size.
"White! Yes of course. Ms. Dorlian, you should always wear white. You look like an angel."
"You mean it's the perfect presentation to detach me further from humanity."
The secretary treasurer had not understood the remark, however, and had continued to blather over Relena's appearance, until her true colors had shown.
"Yes, Ms. Dorlian, you will be the most sought after woman at this banquet, and not just because it is in your honor. You've been hiding in those frumpy pant suits of yours! Just look at that figure! You are truly beautiful, and so pure. There's nothing men find more tempting than innocence and virginity in a beautiful woman. That is of course, unless that beautiful, silent body guard hasn't already plucked the sweetest fruit."
That had finally snapped Relena out of it, and the fire returned to her eyes, as her back stiffened in outrage.
"You'll excuse me Madam Secretary Treasurer, but I have more pressing matters to attend to. I am honored that you took so much time out of your busy schedule to assist me in dressing for tonight's occasion. I look forward to seeing you there."
With that she'd left the room, carrying her briefcase on one arm and her clothing on the other. She'd forgotten her shoes, so he picked them up, and went after her, stopping only to fix the smirking treasurer with a look calculated to invoke fear. Heero had the pleasure of watching her swallow and avert her eyes.
He saw Relena duck into a room down the hall, and followed her, silently watching from the doorway as she dressed with her back to him. When she realized she'd forgotten her shoes, she swore and crumpled up, sobbing, into a chair. It had been years since he'd seen her cry. In fact, he remembered it. She'd cried when he flew out of Peacemillion's airlock to battle her brother, Zechs. Since that time, she'd grown progressively more in control of her emotions, and had become a truly gifted politician, inspiring others with the courage to follow the difficult path of peace. If anyone came upon her now in this state, it would harm her public image. That simply wasn't an option.
As soon as he'd made his presence known by closing the door behind him, she did her best to stop crying. He knelt by her, and placed the shoes by her feet. He noticed that she'd buttoned her blouse wrong, and remembered suddenly just how fragile she was. He'd grown accustomed to her strength of will, and firm navigation through the realm of right and wrong, and had slowly forgotten that she was in fact just human. And her humanity was her greatest gift. Her skin was splotched and red from crying, and her body shook with the effort of stifling her sobs.
Is she weak to cry? Does this sorrow make her weak? She's only following her emotions. But why is she so sad?
Seeing her so vulnerable, with no administrative staff, or foreign delegates, or petitioners, or anyone else between them, allowed him to offer up a bit of vulnerability himself. He raised a hand and gently wiped the tears from her face, smoothing the stray bits of hair that were sticking to her wet cheeks back behind her ears.
She gasped and looked at him with a raw look of pain and confusion in her eyes.
"I remember. This is where you told me that you'd kill me, Heero."
He couldn't help but smile a little as the deja vu hit him as well.
"I don't kill anymore."
She smiled in response and did something completely unexpected; she reached up to touch his face. He jerked his head back in a strange panic and stood up. Her face transformed back into pain, and she slammed her hand into her thigh.
"Why, Heero? Why are you here? Why can't you leave me alone?"
What?
"I'm protecting you."
"But why? Why are you protecting me, Heero?"
Why? Because, because...NO! He wouldn't do it. She always wanted this from him. She wanted to strip him of his only defenses, to change him into something he couldn't be. He wouldn't, he couldn't do it.
"I protect you because the world needs you, Relena. This is my way of maintaining the peace."
"Maintaining the peace."
She stared blankly ahead, and then slowly put on her shoes. Never once looking at him, she stood up and walked out of the room.
That night she wore the evening gown, and listlessly absorbed the flirtations of men, single and married, young and old, never once regaining the spark he'd grown to depend upon in her eyes. Once again he stood watching as people handled her, touching her arms, her hands, even her shoulders, and then danced with her, encircling her waist, and sometimes daring to press closer to her than was strictly necessary. Normally she warded off such maneuvers with a graceful charm that left her would be courtiers in a state of idiotic bliss, aware that they had just been declined, but not seeming to care. But that night, she didn't seem to notice anything, and allowed herself to be handed around like a plate of mutton at a warriors feast.
Then he noticed the bulge in her dance partner's sleeve. A young man with a familiar military air. He was leading them across the dance floor towards the balcony, and she never once looked anywhere but his shoulder. Heero pushed his way unceremoniously through the crowd, and tackled him, just before he made it to the large, draped windows. The knife hidden in his sleeve came out, and he made a lunge for Relena, but Heero was quicker, and he fell unconscious at her feet. Through the whole affair, she stood silent and still, while the rest of the partygoers rushed about in confusion and fear.
Only after fully disarming him, and handing him over to the local security guards, did he feel free to look after Relena. It was then that he noticed the red stain spreading across her left side.
"Relena."
His voice was a high-pitched, strangled gasp as he watched her blood move downwards, over her hip and flinched as the first drop hit the floor. He looked up at her face, and saw absolutely no reaction. Was she in shock? He stood up from his crouch over her assailant and moved to inspect her wound, but she moved away from him.
"Relena, let me look at your side."
He was annoyed by her perverse reaction, and worried that she would lose more blood than she had to if she didn't let him tend to her. He attempted to touch her again, but she wouldn't let him. How could she let every sycophantic leach in this room handle her earlier, and not let him touch her now?
"Relena," his voice was a growl that had intimidated many an enemy in the past.
But somehow it had the opposite effect on her. She jerked her head up, and ignoring him completely, made eye contact with the secretary treasurer.
"It seems I have ruined your gown."
With that statement, the silent tension that had built up around them exploded. A man professing to be a doctor came through, and informed everyone that he'd already called the hospital, and an ambulance was on its way, and would the Vice Foreign Minister please sit down and let him check to see that her wound was not severe.
-----
In the end she'd been fine. The knife had merely grazed her skin, and only a few stitches were required. It was only four days later that Heero realized that she was no longer speaking to him.
And now she was on this lecturing tour of the colonies, and protecting her was becoming more and more difficult. She no longer made any attempt to follow his security measures, and he'd twice had to tail her as she walked around by herself at night doing nothing but hum softly. The second time, he'd decided to catch up and walk with her, but the moment she saw him, she'd hailed a cab and returned to the hotel. At least she wasn't doing that anymore. Once, he tried talking to her. He'd asked her to spend more time in each location in order to give him time to study the layout of each lecture hall. She hadn't responded, hadn't even looked at him. Since then, she'd shortened her trips from three days each to two.
She was deliberately making his job more difficult, as well as avoiding all possible contact with him. That is until today, just before, when she'd almost said something to him on the stage. Maybe she was coming around? Maybe he could try talking to her again? He never thought he would be in such a position. How did she do this to him? Why did he have to be so tied to her? And why was this new impassivity of hers so upsetting? After all, she was becoming more like him, wasn't she?
"More like me."
More like Heero Yuy. Disconnected and worthless. He ground his molars slowly, his jaw working to keep his thoughts from erupting into sound.
"Relena."
Had the war done this to her, or was it this endless job, working to maintain the peace?
"Maintain the peace."
Had he done this to her?
How could he not have realized what was happening? He should have let her talk to him. She was dying inside. He knew the process. Isolation, obligation, and the belief that you are no more than destiny's tool to be thrown away when you are no longer useful. She was the only thing that had kept him alive during the war, that intense and pure belief in him and the value of his life. No-one had ever valued his life. No-one had ever valued him as a person until he met her. And now she had somehow lost her own sense of worth. Didn't she realize how important she was? He decided he needed to talk to her, shake some sense into her if need be. He wouldn't let that fire of hers die. He'd rather tear himself apart than let that happen.
Forty-seven days was long enough for him. How had she put up with five years?
The auditorium was now full, and she was due to begin her talk. He watched her from the lighting catwalk as she approached the podium, cleared her throat and greeted the darkened auditorium. If only he could tell her now. He closed his eyes in anticipation and anxiety at the thought of finally opening himself to her, in order to save her from a fate he despised. And with his eyes closed he didn't see a middle-aged man in a black suit appear out of the darkness surrounding her spot-lit area and point a gun at her head.
She didn't even flinch. She just continued giving her lecture to the crowd, which was now holding its collective breath.
"Ms. Dorlian, do you realize that I have a gun pointed at your head?"
What? Heero's eyes shot open and he nearly gave away his strategic location by swearing aloud. What were his options? He had to move quietly, and get himself into position to stop her attacker, without letting him know that he was up in the lights overhead.
"Well, if you're going to shoot me, then get on with it, otherwise please allow me to continue speaking."
What? What is she doing? Is she baiting him!?
"Those are brave words, but don't you think that all of your precious followers will be upset if I kill their shepherdess right here in front of them?"
It was one of the local officials who had followed her around earlier today, he was sure of it. He remembered the closely cropped beard and thick neck. Damn her, he simply couldn't contain all of the variables in this damned lecturing tour!
"These people have lived through war. I am just a person like anyone else. My death has no more meaning than anyone else's."
Relena, what are you doing? Heero moved silently down the catwalk and tried aiming his gun at various points, but no matter what, Relena was in the way. Damn it! Move Relena!!
"That's a lie and you know it. You are the root of a lie, a silent, quiet dictatorship devoid of honor. By killing you, I will put an end to this false peace you've created, and allow human history to take its proper course."
Relena turned slightly to face the man with the gun so that it now lined up with the bridge of her nose.
"No, you're wrong. The people want peace, and they will work towards it whether I exist or not. Just as the murder of Heero Yuy, the Peacecraft family and of my father, Foreign Minister Dorlian all failed to halt the inevitability of our path towards peace, so will your killing me. I am merely a figurehead for people to focus on, easily replaced. The real work is done by each individual, and now that every person alive has seen the possibility of peace, they won't give it up so easily."
He was going to have to jump and take out this fanatic with a well aimed kick. Heero could see the sweat trickling down the man's temples giving him an oily sheen. A resolute look entered the man's face and posture.
"Well, there's only one way to find out which of us is right Ms. Dorlian."
Heero jumped. His foot thudded into the man's chest. His hand came down on the man's forearm. The gun fired.
Relena fell in a heap onto the stage.
No. Wait. NO.
He scrambled to her side and saw that instead of shooting her in the head, the bullet had pierced her chest, and she was now staring blankly at nothing, her face constricted in pain as more and more of her blood pumped out of her body.
He tried covering the hole with his hands, and was quickly covered in blood. He ripped off the button down shirt he was wearing and tried stuffing it into the wound and it too quickly turned red. Blood was now dripping out of her mouth as well.
no no no no no no no NO! He could feel his scream building from an iciness in his stomach and groin.
"Releeeenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!"
Briefly she focused onto his face, and then hands appeared, cupping her neck, checking her pulse, lifting her onto a stretcher. He had a moment's irrational urge to kill anyone who touched her, but realized through the haze of fear and rage that they were trying to help, and he followed them out to the ambulance, and ignored all attempts to separate him from her side.
He finally relented at the entrance to the operating room.
"Please sir, I know you are concerned for the Vice Foreign Minister's safety, but you are only endangering her by getting in the way of the surgeons."
Now he sat, stoic in the waiting area, pulse beating in time with his internal chant.
Please don't leave me, Relena. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me, Relena. Please don't leave.
He was given something to occupy him when the news crews started sneaking into the area. He let out his anger by snapping each and every bit of equipment he found on them with his bare hands, until they stopped trying and he was left alone with his chant once more.
The television in the waiting room held nothing but Relena's face as she stolidly faced down that bastard on the stage. Someone must have been recording her speech and given the tape to the press. He watched the footage over and over watching her face and becoming more and more certain that she'd wanted the man to shoot.
After the fourth run, Lady Une came on and gave a little speech urging everyone to listen to the Vice Foreign Minister's words, and keep working towards peace, and to pray for her safety. Heero wanted to smash the television in, but then they showed Relena's face again and he couldn't hit her, even on the screen.
After watching it for the twelfth time he noticed that she'd been moving slightly throughout the entire exchange, and it hit him. She'd been blocking his shot. She knew where he was in the lighting catwalk, and she'd moved her head so that he couldn't get a clean shot at her attacker.
After that he stopped watching.
Three hours and twenty-six minutes later, her administrative staff, the president of the university, and Heero were informed that Ms. Dorlian had been stabilized but was not expected to regain consciousness soon. The doctor went over to talk to Relena's secretary.
"Where is she?"
The doctor looked him over critically, and Heero realized that he was still covered in her blood.
"You are the bodyguard, I presume."
His face tightened in anger and shame while his voice grated through clenched teeth.
"That's right."
"Ms. Dorlian needs her rest now, son. Why don't you get yourself cleaned up and come back later. There's nothing you can do for her now."
Nothing I can do? Nothing I can do for her now? Heero was unaware that the metal frame of the chair on which he'd been resting his hand was now twisting in his tightening grip.
"They might come and try to finish the job."
Everyone in the room was frozen in place as he stared murderously at the poor doctor who had just saved her life.
"Where is she?"
The back of the chair broke in his hand and Relena's secretary, who had always been mortally afraid of the bodyguard, yelped in fear.
"I am not intimidated by you young man. I cannot allow someone in as violent a condition as you are presently in to disrupt Ms. Dorlian's recovery. I have been informed that Preventer's headquarters has sent a security team to look after Ms. Dorlian's safety. They are due to arrive shortly."
Blood, all he could see was her blood. All he could smell was her blood. His skin was prickling beneath a sheath of her dried blood. She was somewhere in this building and he was going to find her even if he had to begin killing again.
"Don't make me ask you again."
The doctor's eyes held a moment of panicked fear, and then they shifted. Before Heero had time to turn around, a hand came down on his neck and he fell forward into oblivion.
-----
He came to with his head in someone's lap and felt a warm, damp cloth running down his arm. He jerked upright and then relaxed when he took in the situation. He was in the public bathroom. Quatre and Trowa were trying to wash Relena's blood off of him. He had the irrational notion that wiping away her blood would somehow cause her to die.
"We came as soon as we saw the news. I'm sorry Heero."
Quatre sounded too sorry.
"She isn't dead."
The blond head looked away and his old comrade in arms got up out of his cross-legged position on the bathroom floor. When he faced him again his eyes were quivering with pity.
"She isn't dead, Quatre."
The doctor had said she was stable. He was feeling the panic rise in him again, as Quatre and Trowa shared a silent exchange and then moved into defensive positions around him.
"Where is she?"
"Wu Fei is guarding her in the Intensive Care Unit."
Wu Fei. She isn't dead. What was going on?
"Let me through, or I will kill you."
Quatre looked him steadily in the eye, gauging his movements.
"Get a hold of yourself, Heero. We can't let you see her like this. If you control your anger, we will take you to her."
Heero let out a low growl as the silent Trowa edged closer.
"Please Heero. Relena needs you now. She needs you to calm down or you won't be able to help her."
"It's too late to help her Quatre. I didn't get there in time. Just tell me where she is."
"Heero, it isn't too late, yet, but we don't have much time. I've tried to contact her, but I can't reach her. I need your help. She's trying to leave."
What was he babbling about? Contact her?
"What are you talking about?"
"Heero, ever since the end of the war, I've been honing my empathic abilities. I am at the point where I can sense a person's essence, and sometimes if I am very close to them, I can even communicate with them telepathically."
Heero looked at Trowa and the tall acrobat nodded once to confirm.
"They have her body stabilized, Heero, but Relena's spirit is trying to escape."
Heero nodded, acknowledging the truth of what Quatre was saying.
"She wants to die."
Quatre moved forward and placed a hand on Heero's arm.
"You can help her Heero. I know that together we can reach her."
"I don't have your abilities, Quatre."
Quatre smiled sadly at him.
"Trust me."
-----
She wasn't there. All he saw were tubes and machines, and pallid, gray skin. But when he focused on her face he felt sure that she was dead. The beeping of the heart monitor sounded a rhythmic lie.
"Cold as ever. You bastard."
He was too drained to even look at Wu Fei. Thankfully Trowa convinced him to take up guard duty together outside the room. Quatre crossed to the other side of the hospital cot and motioned Heero to take up a similar position.
"Give me your hands."
Her blood. Trowa hadn't washed it all off. She wasn't dead. Heero stared at his hands until Quatre reached out and took one in each of his own. He placed one set on Relena's middle, near her navel, and the other he placed over her sternum.
"Try to clear your mind. Relax your body. Good. Now close your eyes. Focus your energy here in my hands. Can you feel my energy?"
Suddenly Heero felt a ripple of electricity flow over and through him. He nodded his head and then not sure if Quatre's eyes were shut as well, he replied, "Yes."
"Good. Now can you still hear me talking to you?"
"Yes."
"Very good. I am no longer speaking aloud."
Heero opened his eyes, and stared at Quatre. He could hear him say to him, "Try not to lose your concentration," but his lips never moved. He nodded and closed his eyes again.
"Now, you can feel me and hear me speaking to you, Heero. I want you to try moving your energy down into Relena. I want you to find her for me Heero. Think about her. Try to picture her clearly in your mind."
First came her scent. Vanilla and warmth and the leafy autumn smoke of her sweat. Next was the firm set of her shoulders, the length of her neck and the level tilt of her head. Falling around her was the golden sheen of her hair. He couldn't go any further.
"Concentrate Heero. Bring her to life."
Somehow his vision of her solidified into that white silk evening gown from her twentieth birthday party. He didn't recall paying much attention at the time, but now he could see her quite clearly. The graceful curve of her arms, deltoids and triceps to the dimple of her elbows and down her forearms to the slender length of her fingers. The dress clung to her body emphasizing the swell of her breasts, the curve of her back, the flow of fabric over her hips, and then he looked up to her face, and found nothing there.
"Don't pull back Heero. Stay with me. Keep going. I can almost see her. You have to keep trying. You haven't finished visualizing her."
She was before him, standing rigidly in white silk, truly an angel. He saw her mouth and it wavered between an innocent smile and the curve of sadness she'd worn more and more lately. He reached out and touched her cheek and felt her warm and giving beneath his hand. And then she reached up and caressed his face. He closed his eyes and forced himself to accept her touch feeling his mind and body weaken under the gentle stroke of her fingers. With all of his effort he opened his eyes.
And she was on the stage, her blood pouring out of her, her face rigid with pain. He was once again trying to shove his shirt into the hole in her chest and panic flooded through him. NO. NOT AGAIN!
"RELENA!!!!"
He screamed her name willing her to hear him this time, and her eyes moved down to meet his. They were filled with pain and grief.
"Let go of me."
He could hear her voice in his head through the chaos of the scene before him.
"No, Relena. I won't. I won't let go."
"I want to see my father."
The blood was now trickling out of her mouth.
"Please Relena. Don't go. Don't leave me Relena. I don't want you to go."
"But I can see my father Heero. He says he misses me and he loves me. He wants me to come home. I want to go home, Heero."
"Relena, please. Please. I need you Relena. I need you to be with me. I can't. I don't have any reason to live without you. Please don't leave me alone."
He was crying uncontrollably now, feeling the life draining out of her as he applied as much pressure as he could without hurting her to the wound in her chest. Where were the paramedics? Weren't they supposed to be here by now?
"But my father. He loves me Heero. I have to go."
"I love you too Relena. Why can't you stay with me? I'm real. I'm alive. I love you. I love you. Please. I love you. Don't go."
He collapsed sobbing on top of her lifeless body. His hands bathed in her blood, clutching at her defiled body as it grew cold in his arms.
"Take me with you. Take me with you Relena. Don't leave me here alone."
He felt a hand rest lightly on his shoulder, and someone gathered him into their arms rocking him gently back and forth, smoothing his hair away from his face and pressing gentle kisses into his forehead.
"Sshhh. It's alright now. Don't cry. It's alright. You're safe now little love. It's alright."
He opened his eyes and found himself back in the hospital room, kneeling by Relena's side, his arms around her waist and his head buried in her stomach. His face was wet with tears, and he was sniveling like a child. He could feel her hand on his neck, cold and dry, but alive, and he snapped his head around, expecting to see her smiling back at him. But she was still asleep, only now when he looked at her face, he didn't see the tubes and machines, he saw her. He could sense her presence and knew that she was still with him, and wouldn't leave him again.
He sat staring at her, a newborn child. Ready to begin a new life, waiting to see her open her eyes and smile.
by Iris Anthe
Something wasn't right, and he knew it; he just couldn't explain why. If he couldn't explain why, then he couldn't arrange counter-measures. This damned lecture circuit was a security nightmare. A new venue every two days meant he had very little time to gather the necessary information for a solid defense set up. He was certain that the blueprints for this university's main hall and auditorium were outdated. He'd done a visual check and discovered that there were partitions where there should not be, and a stage door had been added where there was none marked on the plans. Heero grunted in displeasure. He was about to climb up into the lighting scaffolding, when a familiar scent warned him of her proximity.
She's looking tired. He made a mental note to check her nutritional intake for imbalances, and arrange for an early end to the obligatory social events for the next three nights. She walked in even, gentle strides, listening to the local administrators faun over her with a sadness that he found disturbing. As they passed, he surreptitiously glanced at her face, only to find that she'd halted right in front of him.
The verbal fondlers who were massed around her slowly fell silent as they stared at each other, no longer expecting an exchange of words since she had given up trying to talk to him 47 days ago. It used to be a smile, and his name, even an inquiry as to his state of health, but all such small talk had slowly drained out of her over the years.
A line appeared between her brows as her face quivered for a moment, suspended on the edge of expression. He waited, hoping for anything, even the inane small talk he'd once found so irritating, but nothing came out, and her body drew back into itself, back from reaching out to him. One of the ubiquitous hangers on shuffled his feet on the wooden floor of the stage, and she was gone, walking off to greet some early arrivals for the speech scheduled to begin in another half hour.
What did she want from him? Couldn't she see he was doing everything he could to keep her safe? Wasn't that enough? From the first, Relena had wanted something more from him than he knew how to give, but he didn't understand what she wanted, and she had given up trying to tell him.
Forty-seven days in her presence without a word. At first he'd found it to be a refreshing change. She made him tense every time she spoke to him, always on the verge of opening her heart to him like a festering wound that needed to be cauterized. But there were always people around her, every moment of every day, and even Relena Dorlian had her limits of self-exposure these days. There was a time when she'd showed her ridiculous, adolescent passion for him like a brand on her forehead, but thankfully she'd outgrown such emotional displays. The real change though, had happened after the dinner on colony X17739. The last assassination attempt.
-----
It had been a banquet in honor of her twentieth birthday, which she had tried to avoid, but had in the end felt obligated to attend. The colony's secretary treasurer, an annoyingly pushy woman in her fifties, had insisted on outfitting Relena in a drafty evening gown of white silk, though Relena had declared firmly that she'd be more comfortable in one of her loose-fitting pants suits. He was not normally involved in anything so personal as Relena's attire, but there were too many unknown people, measuring her and bustling about in proximity to her body. So he stayed and watched in growing irritation over her uncharacteristic passivity as she stood, mortified, in nothing but her slip, staring at the ceiling, while people handled her and dressed her in various gowns, finally choosing one to alter to her size.
"White! Yes of course. Ms. Dorlian, you should always wear white. You look like an angel."
"You mean it's the perfect presentation to detach me further from humanity."
The secretary treasurer had not understood the remark, however, and had continued to blather over Relena's appearance, until her true colors had shown.
"Yes, Ms. Dorlian, you will be the most sought after woman at this banquet, and not just because it is in your honor. You've been hiding in those frumpy pant suits of yours! Just look at that figure! You are truly beautiful, and so pure. There's nothing men find more tempting than innocence and virginity in a beautiful woman. That is of course, unless that beautiful, silent body guard hasn't already plucked the sweetest fruit."
That had finally snapped Relena out of it, and the fire returned to her eyes, as her back stiffened in outrage.
"You'll excuse me Madam Secretary Treasurer, but I have more pressing matters to attend to. I am honored that you took so much time out of your busy schedule to assist me in dressing for tonight's occasion. I look forward to seeing you there."
With that she'd left the room, carrying her briefcase on one arm and her clothing on the other. She'd forgotten her shoes, so he picked them up, and went after her, stopping only to fix the smirking treasurer with a look calculated to invoke fear. Heero had the pleasure of watching her swallow and avert her eyes.
He saw Relena duck into a room down the hall, and followed her, silently watching from the doorway as she dressed with her back to him. When she realized she'd forgotten her shoes, she swore and crumpled up, sobbing, into a chair. It had been years since he'd seen her cry. In fact, he remembered it. She'd cried when he flew out of Peacemillion's airlock to battle her brother, Zechs. Since that time, she'd grown progressively more in control of her emotions, and had become a truly gifted politician, inspiring others with the courage to follow the difficult path of peace. If anyone came upon her now in this state, it would harm her public image. That simply wasn't an option.
As soon as he'd made his presence known by closing the door behind him, she did her best to stop crying. He knelt by her, and placed the shoes by her feet. He noticed that she'd buttoned her blouse wrong, and remembered suddenly just how fragile she was. He'd grown accustomed to her strength of will, and firm navigation through the realm of right and wrong, and had slowly forgotten that she was in fact just human. And her humanity was her greatest gift. Her skin was splotched and red from crying, and her body shook with the effort of stifling her sobs.
Is she weak to cry? Does this sorrow make her weak? She's only following her emotions. But why is she so sad?
Seeing her so vulnerable, with no administrative staff, or foreign delegates, or petitioners, or anyone else between them, allowed him to offer up a bit of vulnerability himself. He raised a hand and gently wiped the tears from her face, smoothing the stray bits of hair that were sticking to her wet cheeks back behind her ears.
She gasped and looked at him with a raw look of pain and confusion in her eyes.
"I remember. This is where you told me that you'd kill me, Heero."
He couldn't help but smile a little as the deja vu hit him as well.
"I don't kill anymore."
She smiled in response and did something completely unexpected; she reached up to touch his face. He jerked his head back in a strange panic and stood up. Her face transformed back into pain, and she slammed her hand into her thigh.
"Why, Heero? Why are you here? Why can't you leave me alone?"
What?
"I'm protecting you."
"But why? Why are you protecting me, Heero?"
Why? Because, because...NO! He wouldn't do it. She always wanted this from him. She wanted to strip him of his only defenses, to change him into something he couldn't be. He wouldn't, he couldn't do it.
"I protect you because the world needs you, Relena. This is my way of maintaining the peace."
"Maintaining the peace."
She stared blankly ahead, and then slowly put on her shoes. Never once looking at him, she stood up and walked out of the room.
That night she wore the evening gown, and listlessly absorbed the flirtations of men, single and married, young and old, never once regaining the spark he'd grown to depend upon in her eyes. Once again he stood watching as people handled her, touching her arms, her hands, even her shoulders, and then danced with her, encircling her waist, and sometimes daring to press closer to her than was strictly necessary. Normally she warded off such maneuvers with a graceful charm that left her would be courtiers in a state of idiotic bliss, aware that they had just been declined, but not seeming to care. But that night, she didn't seem to notice anything, and allowed herself to be handed around like a plate of mutton at a warriors feast.
Then he noticed the bulge in her dance partner's sleeve. A young man with a familiar military air. He was leading them across the dance floor towards the balcony, and she never once looked anywhere but his shoulder. Heero pushed his way unceremoniously through the crowd, and tackled him, just before he made it to the large, draped windows. The knife hidden in his sleeve came out, and he made a lunge for Relena, but Heero was quicker, and he fell unconscious at her feet. Through the whole affair, she stood silent and still, while the rest of the partygoers rushed about in confusion and fear.
Only after fully disarming him, and handing him over to the local security guards, did he feel free to look after Relena. It was then that he noticed the red stain spreading across her left side.
"Relena."
His voice was a high-pitched, strangled gasp as he watched her blood move downwards, over her hip and flinched as the first drop hit the floor. He looked up at her face, and saw absolutely no reaction. Was she in shock? He stood up from his crouch over her assailant and moved to inspect her wound, but she moved away from him.
"Relena, let me look at your side."
He was annoyed by her perverse reaction, and worried that she would lose more blood than she had to if she didn't let him tend to her. He attempted to touch her again, but she wouldn't let him. How could she let every sycophantic leach in this room handle her earlier, and not let him touch her now?
"Relena," his voice was a growl that had intimidated many an enemy in the past.
But somehow it had the opposite effect on her. She jerked her head up, and ignoring him completely, made eye contact with the secretary treasurer.
"It seems I have ruined your gown."
With that statement, the silent tension that had built up around them exploded. A man professing to be a doctor came through, and informed everyone that he'd already called the hospital, and an ambulance was on its way, and would the Vice Foreign Minister please sit down and let him check to see that her wound was not severe.
-----
In the end she'd been fine. The knife had merely grazed her skin, and only a few stitches were required. It was only four days later that Heero realized that she was no longer speaking to him.
And now she was on this lecturing tour of the colonies, and protecting her was becoming more and more difficult. She no longer made any attempt to follow his security measures, and he'd twice had to tail her as she walked around by herself at night doing nothing but hum softly. The second time, he'd decided to catch up and walk with her, but the moment she saw him, she'd hailed a cab and returned to the hotel. At least she wasn't doing that anymore. Once, he tried talking to her. He'd asked her to spend more time in each location in order to give him time to study the layout of each lecture hall. She hadn't responded, hadn't even looked at him. Since then, she'd shortened her trips from three days each to two.
She was deliberately making his job more difficult, as well as avoiding all possible contact with him. That is until today, just before, when she'd almost said something to him on the stage. Maybe she was coming around? Maybe he could try talking to her again? He never thought he would be in such a position. How did she do this to him? Why did he have to be so tied to her? And why was this new impassivity of hers so upsetting? After all, she was becoming more like him, wasn't she?
"More like me."
More like Heero Yuy. Disconnected and worthless. He ground his molars slowly, his jaw working to keep his thoughts from erupting into sound.
"Relena."
Had the war done this to her, or was it this endless job, working to maintain the peace?
"Maintain the peace."
Had he done this to her?
How could he not have realized what was happening? He should have let her talk to him. She was dying inside. He knew the process. Isolation, obligation, and the belief that you are no more than destiny's tool to be thrown away when you are no longer useful. She was the only thing that had kept him alive during the war, that intense and pure belief in him and the value of his life. No-one had ever valued his life. No-one had ever valued him as a person until he met her. And now she had somehow lost her own sense of worth. Didn't she realize how important she was? He decided he needed to talk to her, shake some sense into her if need be. He wouldn't let that fire of hers die. He'd rather tear himself apart than let that happen.
Forty-seven days was long enough for him. How had she put up with five years?
The auditorium was now full, and she was due to begin her talk. He watched her from the lighting catwalk as she approached the podium, cleared her throat and greeted the darkened auditorium. If only he could tell her now. He closed his eyes in anticipation and anxiety at the thought of finally opening himself to her, in order to save her from a fate he despised. And with his eyes closed he didn't see a middle-aged man in a black suit appear out of the darkness surrounding her spot-lit area and point a gun at her head.
She didn't even flinch. She just continued giving her lecture to the crowd, which was now holding its collective breath.
"Ms. Dorlian, do you realize that I have a gun pointed at your head?"
What? Heero's eyes shot open and he nearly gave away his strategic location by swearing aloud. What were his options? He had to move quietly, and get himself into position to stop her attacker, without letting him know that he was up in the lights overhead.
"Well, if you're going to shoot me, then get on with it, otherwise please allow me to continue speaking."
What? What is she doing? Is she baiting him!?
"Those are brave words, but don't you think that all of your precious followers will be upset if I kill their shepherdess right here in front of them?"
It was one of the local officials who had followed her around earlier today, he was sure of it. He remembered the closely cropped beard and thick neck. Damn her, he simply couldn't contain all of the variables in this damned lecturing tour!
"These people have lived through war. I am just a person like anyone else. My death has no more meaning than anyone else's."
Relena, what are you doing? Heero moved silently down the catwalk and tried aiming his gun at various points, but no matter what, Relena was in the way. Damn it! Move Relena!!
"That's a lie and you know it. You are the root of a lie, a silent, quiet dictatorship devoid of honor. By killing you, I will put an end to this false peace you've created, and allow human history to take its proper course."
Relena turned slightly to face the man with the gun so that it now lined up with the bridge of her nose.
"No, you're wrong. The people want peace, and they will work towards it whether I exist or not. Just as the murder of Heero Yuy, the Peacecraft family and of my father, Foreign Minister Dorlian all failed to halt the inevitability of our path towards peace, so will your killing me. I am merely a figurehead for people to focus on, easily replaced. The real work is done by each individual, and now that every person alive has seen the possibility of peace, they won't give it up so easily."
He was going to have to jump and take out this fanatic with a well aimed kick. Heero could see the sweat trickling down the man's temples giving him an oily sheen. A resolute look entered the man's face and posture.
"Well, there's only one way to find out which of us is right Ms. Dorlian."
Heero jumped. His foot thudded into the man's chest. His hand came down on the man's forearm. The gun fired.
Relena fell in a heap onto the stage.
No. Wait. NO.
He scrambled to her side and saw that instead of shooting her in the head, the bullet had pierced her chest, and she was now staring blankly at nothing, her face constricted in pain as more and more of her blood pumped out of her body.
He tried covering the hole with his hands, and was quickly covered in blood. He ripped off the button down shirt he was wearing and tried stuffing it into the wound and it too quickly turned red. Blood was now dripping out of her mouth as well.
no no no no no no no NO! He could feel his scream building from an iciness in his stomach and groin.
"Releeeenaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!"
Briefly she focused onto his face, and then hands appeared, cupping her neck, checking her pulse, lifting her onto a stretcher. He had a moment's irrational urge to kill anyone who touched her, but realized through the haze of fear and rage that they were trying to help, and he followed them out to the ambulance, and ignored all attempts to separate him from her side.
He finally relented at the entrance to the operating room.
"Please sir, I know you are concerned for the Vice Foreign Minister's safety, but you are only endangering her by getting in the way of the surgeons."
Now he sat, stoic in the waiting area, pulse beating in time with his internal chant.
Please don't leave me, Relena. Please don't leave me. Please don't leave me, Relena. Please don't leave.
He was given something to occupy him when the news crews started sneaking into the area. He let out his anger by snapping each and every bit of equipment he found on them with his bare hands, until they stopped trying and he was left alone with his chant once more.
The television in the waiting room held nothing but Relena's face as she stolidly faced down that bastard on the stage. Someone must have been recording her speech and given the tape to the press. He watched the footage over and over watching her face and becoming more and more certain that she'd wanted the man to shoot.
After the fourth run, Lady Une came on and gave a little speech urging everyone to listen to the Vice Foreign Minister's words, and keep working towards peace, and to pray for her safety. Heero wanted to smash the television in, but then they showed Relena's face again and he couldn't hit her, even on the screen.
After watching it for the twelfth time he noticed that she'd been moving slightly throughout the entire exchange, and it hit him. She'd been blocking his shot. She knew where he was in the lighting catwalk, and she'd moved her head so that he couldn't get a clean shot at her attacker.
After that he stopped watching.
Three hours and twenty-six minutes later, her administrative staff, the president of the university, and Heero were informed that Ms. Dorlian had been stabilized but was not expected to regain consciousness soon. The doctor went over to talk to Relena's secretary.
"Where is she?"
The doctor looked him over critically, and Heero realized that he was still covered in her blood.
"You are the bodyguard, I presume."
His face tightened in anger and shame while his voice grated through clenched teeth.
"That's right."
"Ms. Dorlian needs her rest now, son. Why don't you get yourself cleaned up and come back later. There's nothing you can do for her now."
Nothing I can do? Nothing I can do for her now? Heero was unaware that the metal frame of the chair on which he'd been resting his hand was now twisting in his tightening grip.
"They might come and try to finish the job."
Everyone in the room was frozen in place as he stared murderously at the poor doctor who had just saved her life.
"Where is she?"
The back of the chair broke in his hand and Relena's secretary, who had always been mortally afraid of the bodyguard, yelped in fear.
"I am not intimidated by you young man. I cannot allow someone in as violent a condition as you are presently in to disrupt Ms. Dorlian's recovery. I have been informed that Preventer's headquarters has sent a security team to look after Ms. Dorlian's safety. They are due to arrive shortly."
Blood, all he could see was her blood. All he could smell was her blood. His skin was prickling beneath a sheath of her dried blood. She was somewhere in this building and he was going to find her even if he had to begin killing again.
"Don't make me ask you again."
The doctor's eyes held a moment of panicked fear, and then they shifted. Before Heero had time to turn around, a hand came down on his neck and he fell forward into oblivion.
-----
He came to with his head in someone's lap and felt a warm, damp cloth running down his arm. He jerked upright and then relaxed when he took in the situation. He was in the public bathroom. Quatre and Trowa were trying to wash Relena's blood off of him. He had the irrational notion that wiping away her blood would somehow cause her to die.
"We came as soon as we saw the news. I'm sorry Heero."
Quatre sounded too sorry.
"She isn't dead."
The blond head looked away and his old comrade in arms got up out of his cross-legged position on the bathroom floor. When he faced him again his eyes were quivering with pity.
"She isn't dead, Quatre."
The doctor had said she was stable. He was feeling the panic rise in him again, as Quatre and Trowa shared a silent exchange and then moved into defensive positions around him.
"Where is she?"
"Wu Fei is guarding her in the Intensive Care Unit."
Wu Fei. She isn't dead. What was going on?
"Let me through, or I will kill you."
Quatre looked him steadily in the eye, gauging his movements.
"Get a hold of yourself, Heero. We can't let you see her like this. If you control your anger, we will take you to her."
Heero let out a low growl as the silent Trowa edged closer.
"Please Heero. Relena needs you now. She needs you to calm down or you won't be able to help her."
"It's too late to help her Quatre. I didn't get there in time. Just tell me where she is."
"Heero, it isn't too late, yet, but we don't have much time. I've tried to contact her, but I can't reach her. I need your help. She's trying to leave."
What was he babbling about? Contact her?
"What are you talking about?"
"Heero, ever since the end of the war, I've been honing my empathic abilities. I am at the point where I can sense a person's essence, and sometimes if I am very close to them, I can even communicate with them telepathically."
Heero looked at Trowa and the tall acrobat nodded once to confirm.
"They have her body stabilized, Heero, but Relena's spirit is trying to escape."
Heero nodded, acknowledging the truth of what Quatre was saying.
"She wants to die."
Quatre moved forward and placed a hand on Heero's arm.
"You can help her Heero. I know that together we can reach her."
"I don't have your abilities, Quatre."
Quatre smiled sadly at him.
"Trust me."
-----
She wasn't there. All he saw were tubes and machines, and pallid, gray skin. But when he focused on her face he felt sure that she was dead. The beeping of the heart monitor sounded a rhythmic lie.
"Cold as ever. You bastard."
He was too drained to even look at Wu Fei. Thankfully Trowa convinced him to take up guard duty together outside the room. Quatre crossed to the other side of the hospital cot and motioned Heero to take up a similar position.
"Give me your hands."
Her blood. Trowa hadn't washed it all off. She wasn't dead. Heero stared at his hands until Quatre reached out and took one in each of his own. He placed one set on Relena's middle, near her navel, and the other he placed over her sternum.
"Try to clear your mind. Relax your body. Good. Now close your eyes. Focus your energy here in my hands. Can you feel my energy?"
Suddenly Heero felt a ripple of electricity flow over and through him. He nodded his head and then not sure if Quatre's eyes were shut as well, he replied, "Yes."
"Good. Now can you still hear me talking to you?"
"Yes."
"Very good. I am no longer speaking aloud."
Heero opened his eyes, and stared at Quatre. He could hear him say to him, "Try not to lose your concentration," but his lips never moved. He nodded and closed his eyes again.
"Now, you can feel me and hear me speaking to you, Heero. I want you to try moving your energy down into Relena. I want you to find her for me Heero. Think about her. Try to picture her clearly in your mind."
First came her scent. Vanilla and warmth and the leafy autumn smoke of her sweat. Next was the firm set of her shoulders, the length of her neck and the level tilt of her head. Falling around her was the golden sheen of her hair. He couldn't go any further.
"Concentrate Heero. Bring her to life."
Somehow his vision of her solidified into that white silk evening gown from her twentieth birthday party. He didn't recall paying much attention at the time, but now he could see her quite clearly. The graceful curve of her arms, deltoids and triceps to the dimple of her elbows and down her forearms to the slender length of her fingers. The dress clung to her body emphasizing the swell of her breasts, the curve of her back, the flow of fabric over her hips, and then he looked up to her face, and found nothing there.
"Don't pull back Heero. Stay with me. Keep going. I can almost see her. You have to keep trying. You haven't finished visualizing her."
She was before him, standing rigidly in white silk, truly an angel. He saw her mouth and it wavered between an innocent smile and the curve of sadness she'd worn more and more lately. He reached out and touched her cheek and felt her warm and giving beneath his hand. And then she reached up and caressed his face. He closed his eyes and forced himself to accept her touch feeling his mind and body weaken under the gentle stroke of her fingers. With all of his effort he opened his eyes.
And she was on the stage, her blood pouring out of her, her face rigid with pain. He was once again trying to shove his shirt into the hole in her chest and panic flooded through him. NO. NOT AGAIN!
"RELENA!!!!"
He screamed her name willing her to hear him this time, and her eyes moved down to meet his. They were filled with pain and grief.
"Let go of me."
He could hear her voice in his head through the chaos of the scene before him.
"No, Relena. I won't. I won't let go."
"I want to see my father."
The blood was now trickling out of her mouth.
"Please Relena. Don't go. Don't leave me Relena. I don't want you to go."
"But I can see my father Heero. He says he misses me and he loves me. He wants me to come home. I want to go home, Heero."
"Relena, please. Please. I need you Relena. I need you to be with me. I can't. I don't have any reason to live without you. Please don't leave me alone."
He was crying uncontrollably now, feeling the life draining out of her as he applied as much pressure as he could without hurting her to the wound in her chest. Where were the paramedics? Weren't they supposed to be here by now?
"But my father. He loves me Heero. I have to go."
"I love you too Relena. Why can't you stay with me? I'm real. I'm alive. I love you. I love you. Please. I love you. Don't go."
He collapsed sobbing on top of her lifeless body. His hands bathed in her blood, clutching at her defiled body as it grew cold in his arms.
"Take me with you. Take me with you Relena. Don't leave me here alone."
He felt a hand rest lightly on his shoulder, and someone gathered him into their arms rocking him gently back and forth, smoothing his hair away from his face and pressing gentle kisses into his forehead.
"Sshhh. It's alright now. Don't cry. It's alright. You're safe now little love. It's alright."
He opened his eyes and found himself back in the hospital room, kneeling by Relena's side, his arms around her waist and his head buried in her stomach. His face was wet with tears, and he was sniveling like a child. He could feel her hand on his neck, cold and dry, but alive, and he snapped his head around, expecting to see her smiling back at him. But she was still asleep, only now when he looked at her face, he didn't see the tubes and machines, he saw her. He could sense her presence and knew that she was still with him, and wouldn't leave him again.
He sat staring at her, a newborn child. Ready to begin a new life, waiting to see her open her eyes and smile.