Notes: First, a very grateful nod to the reviewers of chapter 7: Everqueen, Skippys Cat, fluffy-sama's worshiper, Whitney-chan2005, Emmi-chan, RyuDesol, Aenisses Thai, Kei-chan1, and x Belles Reminisce. Thank you so much for all of your feedback, and especially for sticking with me through this story. Thanks, also, to Roku Kyu for another phenomenal beta-reading job, and for all the time and effort she's put into this story since (!) December. Couldn't'a done it without ya, Roke.
And now, one last thing before I let you proceed onto chapter eight: it is my great pleasure to announce that the "Expecting" world is not through being explored just yet. Keep your eyes on the main page in coming weeks for Unexpected, a fic by Aenisses Thai based on the characters and situations explored in this story. Aenisses contacted me a few weeks ago concerning the permission to write this fic, and has been sending me bits of it ever since. According to her, the fic is nearly finished—and from what I've read of it so far, you do not want to miss it. Not only is it brilliantly written (as those who have read her other fic, "Wounded," can tell you), but it explores in much greater depth the relationship only hinted at in "Expecting," and is well worth the read. So be on the look-out for it!
All right, and that's all I have to say. So I guess all that's left is to say one final "thanks!" to everyone who has supported this story, and then to shut up and let you get on with the reading of Chapter 8. (For those who want some background music for the beginning scenes, try "Farewell No. 2" from the House of Flying Daggers soundtrack.)
Shunyata Ryuen
-8-
We didn't make it a hundred yards before they found us. We saw 'em comin', of course, but it wasn't like there was anywhere to run to. They were everywhere, comin' at us from every direction, thirty or forty big guys with the same nasty assortment of weapons as when they jumped us back in Eiyo.
But hey, that settled the argument, at least. Neither of us were running.
So we stopped. And waited. Tama was holdin' tight onto my hand, but my other one was free to hold the staff in front of me, ready to knock the shit outta anybody who came too close. Tama an' me were standin' back to back, Yu-chan in her carrier between us, not touching except where our hands clasped. For a long time, there was no sound but our own breathing and the rasp of feet through the grass.
Seemed like we waited forever. But that was okay, 'cause when you're waitin' to die, ya don't mind so much when it takes awhile.
My mind was weirdly blank—calm—but it was like everything around me was suddenly louder, brighter, more real. Tama's fingers were warm and strong in mine, an' I could feel Yu-chan breathing, her little chest rising and falling against my back. And it seemed right, the three of us together. Even if there was no way in hell we were gonna make it through this, it seemed right for us to face it together.
Then suddenly, they were right there in front of us, and there was no more time for thinking. All those dark, leering faces surrounded us, closing in so there was no break between them, just us in the middle an' them a circle of bodies and weapons around us.
I squeezed Tama's hand hard, every muscle in my body tensed and ready for battle, but just when the slavers were comin' in range of our weapons, they stopped, every one of 'em. Like they were waitin' for somethin'. It wasn't too long before we found out what.
"Well, well, well," said a rough voice, an' the circle a' guys parted to let their leader through. "Fancy meetin' you folks here."
"Can the fucking small talk," I snapped, hopin' he'd take just one more step forward so I could smack the staff across his ugly face.
He didn't. The bastard stayed right where he was, an' that nasty grin never slipped. "Glad you're so eager, sweetheart. But don't worry; we'll get to the fun stuff soon enough. First, there's the little matter of you torchin' my ship. And don't bother denyin' it, 'cause I know it was you."
"I ain't gonna deny it," I told him. "Hell, yeah, I torched your ship. I'm only sorry you weren't in it when I did."
The grin was suddenly more like an animal barin' its teeth. "You got a mouth on ya, little girl. I'm gonna enjoy makin' you scream. Maybe I'll even let that scrawny man of yours live long enough to see it. And if I'm feelin' real generous, maybe I'll keep him alive while my buddies here take their turns with you."
I felt somethin' in my chest go cold and tight with dread, an' suddenly I was on that slave ship again an' that bastard was on top of me, shovin' his tongue in my mouth an' pressin' hard against me, draggin' his filthy hand up my side…
I shook my head to clear it and then opened my mouth to shout somethin' back, not wantin' him to think he'd got to me, but Tama spoke up before I could.
His voice was ice. "If you come near her, I'll kill you."
He meant it. An' the bastard knew it, 'cause the grin dropped the rest of the way off his face, an' he tightened his grip on the iron club he was carryin'. "Not if I kill you first," he growled, an' sprang forward.
I didn't hesitate. All the terror an' dread in me disappeared, an' as the bastard lunged for Tama, I pushed off my back leg an' rammed the end of the staff into his face. There was a cracking sound as his nose broke, an' then he was staggerin' backwards, his hand goin' to his face, the blood gushing out through his fingers.
Like a spell had been broken, the rest of the guys charged.
There was no time for thought, only movement. Knock away a club, a sword, a piece of chain swinging down like a whip. Stab out with the staff so it connected with flesh—didn't matter where, just as long as it hit. Spin around to take out the guy comin' in from the side, then duck when the two comin' from the front got too close. Take out their legs, get them in the throat, the face, the stomach, somewhere soft and sensitive so they'd stay down for just a little bit longer. Breathe. Then get ready for the next ten guys—the next twenty, thirty, who knew how many there were except that they just kept coming, an' it didn't matter how many you knocked away 'cause there were always gonna be more, an' if you let up for even a second, you were dead, so ya better not let up. There was nothin' to do but keep fighting. Just keep fighting.
Time crept along. Mighta been hours that we held 'em off; mighta been minutes. But however long it was, there was a definite moment when the staff was suddenly just a little too heavy in my hands, and my arms were movin' just a little too slow…and there was a guy comin' at me. Pale skin, real bony face, sneering and lunging for me with a piece of wood that was sharpened at the end like a sword. Already too close.
I tried to turn anyway, knowin' I could never make it in time to block but thinkin' I could at least take him out, keep him from gettin' past me and on to Tama. Even if his damn sword was buried in my gut, at least I could keep him from gettin' to Tama. I brought the staff around—
And suddenly there was this rumble, like thunder, shakin' the ground and vibrating deep inside of me. The guy comin' at me lost his footing an' went stumblin' past, his sword catching the cloth of my jacket but nothin' else—
And Chichiri appeared in a fucking windstorm.
His mask was off, his eyes both closed, and one hand was held sideways in front of his face while the other was holdin' that long ash staff in front of him. Bright red waves of energy were swarmin' around him, ruffling his hair and clothes an' knockin' a bunch a' the slavers off their feet, an' for a long second he didn't move, just stood there lookin' like Suzaku come to earth while the wind roared around him.
Then his good eye snapped open, an' the staff swept forward in a blur of scarlet light.
"Seiki no kyuuzou!" he boomed, an' suddenly that light was ripping through the air, tearin' towards us like a firestorm, like a blood-red tidal wave. I ducked instinctively, grabbin' for Tama even as I felt his arms go around my shoulders, shelterin' me an' Yu-chan as best he could—
The light swept harmlessly by us, just rufflin' our clothes a little as it passed. I risked liftin' my head, twistin' around so I could see…
Guys were flyin' backwards, screamin' as they were hurled through the air like leaves caught in a high wind. Some of 'em tried to fight it, to plant their swords in the ground or duck beneath the wave, but it didn't help. Every single one of 'em got caught up in it an' flung backwards, an' when they hit the ground about fifty yards away, not one of 'em got back up again.
I let out a shuddering breath, only just then realizing I'd been holdin' it in. The only guys left around us were the ones already knocked out or dead; all the rest were hell an' gone on the other fucking side of the clearing.
Still not quite believin' that we were still alive, I turned to look at Chichiri.
The wind was dyin' down, the red glow around him fading. When it was completely gone, he slumped a little, his eye closin' and the staff droppin' back down to his side. An' for the first time, he looked like somebody I recognized.
"Holy shit, Chichiri!" I managed. After a glance at Tama, who was lookin' just as shaken an' out of breath as I was, I started crawlin' to my feet—
Chichiri's eye snapped open again. "TASUKI!"
Somethin' slammed into the back of my knees an' I pitched forward. By the time I managed to turn around, seein' stars 'cause of the pain an' wonderin' what the fuck'd just hit me, it was already too late.
It was him. The leader.
An' he had Yu-chan.
Later, I'd think back and figure out that he'd been one of the guys lyin' on the ground when the blast hit, an' so that was why he hadn't been touched by it. Later, I'd realize that what I'd felt was him slammin' his boot into the backs of my legs, an' that while I was fallin', he'd managed to grab Yu-chan outta her carrier an' drag her away with him.
Later, I'd think about a lot of things, but right then, there was only one thought in my mind:
He has my baby.
He was holding her to his chest with one arm, pressing her so tight against him that she was crying, squirming and screaming in his grip, her little hands grabbing at the air.
He had his hand around her throat.
"Not a move," he said in a low voice, an' while he was talkin', a trickle of blood seeped out of his broken nose and down onto his chin. "Not a move, or I'll snap her neck."
"The hell you will," I whispered. "You even twitch, and I'll fucking kill you. And if I don't, one of these guys will."
The bastard just shook his head and started backing away from us. "You'll never get to me fast enough. She'll be dead before you can even get close to me."
I looked him straight in the eye, feeling Wing blazing on my arm. "Wanna bet?"
My feet hardly moved; it was more like flying than running. Wind whipping past me, the world a blur of green and brown light—
And then I was right there in his face, and before he could even find time to blink, I grabbed the knife off his belt and drove it into his side.
"You do not fuck with my little girl," I snarled.
He made a choked sound and dropped to his knees, but I already had Yu-chan in my arms an' was bookin' it back to where Tama was standin'. It was only when I got there that I started shakin', holdin' Yu-chan close to me an' rockin' her in my arms, tryin' to tell myself that it was okay now, it was over, that bastard was dead and his lackeys were knocked out and Chichiri was here to take us home.
Only, when I glanced back over at Chichiri, I finally noticed that he wasn't alone. Cowering behind him, lookin' small an' afraid an' not at all like I remembered, was the sorceress.
Ice cold fear clenched in my gut, and it was a long time before I could get my voice steady enough to speak.
"What the fuck's she doin' here?"
Chichiri didn't answer me; he looked down at the sorceress and said, real quietly, "Get up." His voice was soft, barely threatening at all, but she didn't waste a second obeying him.
And in the light of day, I saw that she was young, prob'ley around my and Tama's age, an' she mighta been pretty if she wasn't so busy lookin' scared.
Shit. She was just a girl. Just some girl barely outta her teens, an' yet it was 'cause of her…'cause of her…
I held Yu-chan a little closer to me. Tama, by now, had figured out the gist of what was goin' on an' come to stand beside me, his hand grippin' my shoulder, keepin' me steady.
"Chichiri?" he said, maybe 'cause he didn't want to ask a real question, 'cause that might mean a real answer.
"Tamahome," Chichiri said quietly, "Tasuki. This is Kai Ayame." An' even though he only nudged her shoulder with the tip of one finger, she went stumbling forward like he'd shoved her, droppin' onto her knees a few feet away from us. "She has something to say to you."
She was shakin', she was so scared. Her face was real pale, an' she didn't bother sweepin' all that long black hair outta her face when she spoke.
"Tasuki-san," she croaked.
"-sama," Chichiri corrected softly.
"Tasuki-sama." An' just like that, she dropped down into a bow, touchin' her forehead to the muddy ground an' pressin' her palms down into the grass. "Gomen nasai. Gomen nasai, Tasuki-sama." She lifted her head up a little bit, an' I saw that she was cryin'. "I-I didn't mean for it to…it wasn't supposed to go this far. I was going to take the baby out of you, honestly I was, but then I couldn't find you and so I couldn't— But I'm sorry. Please believe me. I was angry, but I never wanted to…I never meant to…"
"When you weren't in your chambers in the morning," Chichiri said, an' even though his voice was calm, I could hear the rage simmering underneath, "I went out looking for you. I couldn't sense your ki anywhere nearby, but it wasn't difficult to find people who had seen you. I went in the direction they said you'd left in…and I found this." He held up a glittering strip of metal.
"My tessen," I whispered.
Chichiri nodded. "Hai. And then I sensed something else. A source of power, unschooled and poorly shielded, but powerful enough to do something like this. Powerful enough to alter a body, to even go so far as to place a living being inside that altered body."
"It was for my sister!" Ayame cried. "The babies kept dying a few months in, and so I thought that if I could find someone else to carry the next baby, then everything would be all right. So I found someone—a woman who said she'd help. And when my sister was pregnant again, I did the spell, and it worked—the baby was moved out of my sister's body and into the other woman's, and everything was fine until…until she told her husband. He'd been out of town, in the army, but he got injured and came back and she was pregnant, and he would've sent her away if she hadn't told him the truth, so they asked to meet me—they asked to meet me in that bar, and he told me that I had to take the baby out of her. Even though she was almost to term, he wanted it out of her, and if I didn't do it, he said he'd…he'd cut it out of her, and I couldn't let that happen so I took the baby out. I couldn't put it back in my sister, but I could hold it in…in stasis for awhile, just a little while until I could find someone else…
"I sat down so I could think about it, and you were right there, and you were such a jerk and I was so angry…so I put the baby in you. It was wrong and I shouldn't have done it, but I didn't know what else to do. Later on, though, I realized how wrong it'd been and I tried to find you, but you were gone and nobody knew where, nobody could tell me anything except that there'd been a fight… But please believe me, Tasuki-sama, if I had found you, I would've taken the baby out right away, honestly I would have. I didn't mean for it to go this far, I swear I didn't."
My mouth felt like it was lined in sand, but I had to get the question out. I had to ask, even though I already knew the answer.
"Whose baby is she?"
Ayame looked up at me, meeting my eyes for the first time since she an' Chichiri'd showed up. "My sister's," she whispered. "My sister and her husband's."
Something crumbled inside of me, an' I felt Tama's hand go tight on my shoulder. I couldn't say a word, but I heard him whisper, "No."
It was weird, but I didn't feel like crying. I just nodded, keepin' my eyes on the sorceress', and calmly reached down to untangle Yu-chan's fingers from my hair. Little shit, always into everything. She was gonna be such a nightmare when she got older. She was gonna be…
"No," Tama said more loudly. "No, you can't do this—you can't do this! It's not right! I won't let you take her!"
Chichiri was lookin' away, like he was scannin' the trees, but I saw the pain on his face, the sadness. "No one's going to take her," he said, real softly. "But the parents…they'd like to see her."
I nodded, feeling weird and numb, like none of this was real—like I was dreamin' the whole thing, an' any second now I was gonna wake up an' be back in that crummy stable with Yu-chan sleepin' in her cradle an' Tama curled up in the hay beside me…
"Where are they?" I asked.
Still not lookin' at me, Chichiri lifted his hand up in front of his face again an' murmured some weird-sounding words. Another windstorm started, this one weaker an' smaller than the last, pale white instead of red…an' when it faded, there were two more people standin' in the clearing in front of us.
The man was tall, sturdy—prob'ley some kinda worker—an' his face was young an' nice-lookin', the kinda face you could tell smiled a lot even though he wasn't doin' it now. The woman looked a lot like the sorceress, only she was older, tireder, her face lined and her black hair startin' to show a couple streaks of gray even though she couldn't a' been older'n twenty-something. She had real sad, big blue eyes—
Something cold and heavy settled in my stomach.
Big blue eyes.
Like Yu-chan's.
I looked down at my little girl, and I saw that black fuzz on her head, that pale skin, those eyes…an' just like that, I knew.
She belonged to them.
Not me.
I'd been all ready to hate them. He was gonna be some big, nasty-faced bastard, and she was gonna be cold an' mean, scowlin' at me while her husband threatened to kick my ass if I didn't give them Yu-chan…
But she didn't scowl, and he didn't threaten me. They both stepped forward, him holdin' onto her arm and her leanin' against it like for support, an' when they got in front of me, they both bowed.
"Arrigato, Tasuki-sama," the woman said. Her voice was soft, sweet—a mother's voice. "Thank you so much for—" She broke off, clearin' her throat like she was tryin' hard not to cry, an' glanced up at me with tears shining in her eyes. "Thank you for bringing our daughter into this world. Even if we can't be with her, just knowing that she's…that she's alive and healthy, it means…"
"It means so much to us," the man finished. "We tried for so long… This is a miracle, and we can't thank you enough for all you've done."
"Tasuki-sama," the woman whispered. "I'll understand if…if you would rather not let me, but do you suppose… Could I hold her? Just for a moment?"
"Maiya," the man sighed. "Don't do this to yourself. If you hold her, it's just going to be that much harder to let her go when we have to leave."
Maiya nodded. "I know. But I…I need to feel her in my arms. Feel that she's real. Please, just for a moment, Tasuki-sama. Just for a moment."
My legs weren't workin' real well, an' Tama still had a good grip on my shoulder, but somehow I managed to walk forward 'til I was standin' there in front of them. Maiya put her hand over her mouth when I did, her eyes on Yu-chan an' her breath comin' in these little gasping sobs, an' I watched her husband put an arm around her shoulders.
"Maiya, please," he begged. "It's going to be hard enough…"
She shook her head, gettin' herself under control with a deep breath. "Just for a moment," she whispered.
I looked down at Yu-chan. She was starin' back at me with Maiya's eyes, an' I suddenly remembered what Tama'd said about babies needin' their mothers, about how it was the worst thing you could do to a kid, takin' her away from her mom.
"Tasuki, don't."
It was Tama. His voice was real low and right in my ear, an' I knew he was standin' right behind me.
"Don't do it. You don't owe them anything. She's yours. She's your baby."
I looked up, past the hopeful faces of Yu-chan's parents…to Chichiri. He was standin' over there by himself, his arms folded an' his back turned, like he couldn't bear to watch. Like he'd known, from the start, how it was gonna have to be. Ayame was a couple feet away from him, still sittin' on the ground. She wasn't lookin' at me either.
But Tama was. I could feel him staring at me—pleading with me.
Don't. Don't do this.
"She's yours," Tama said again, desperately.
Maybe she was. Maybe givin' birth to her an' takin' care of her an' lovin' her…maybe that made her mine. Maybe it made her my daughter no matter who she was really related to.
But what the hell kinda life could I give her? My life was rough and hard and dangerous, an' now that I'd joined up with Miaka an' the others, it was just gonna get worse. It wasn't like I could take Yu-chan along to Hokkan with us or somethin', an' so where would that leave her? Stuck at the palace with some stodgy old nursemaid? Dumped on my mom's doorstep? Or shit, why not just take her back to Mount Reikaku an' let the fucking bandits look after her?
I musta known all along that this could never work out. That she was never mine. But knowin' didn't make it any easier.
"Look," I said, real quietly, "you gotta promise me somethin'. Okay?"
Maiya shook her head. "Anything."
I swallowed, hard. "Her name's Yugetsu. We, uh…we been callin' her 'Yu-chan' for short. You gotta keep that name, okay? That's the condition. You gotta keep her name, or no deal."
Maiya glanced back at her husband, her lip trembling. "What…what are you saying, Tasuki-sama?"
I opened my mouth to tell her, but I couldn't. So instead I lifted Yu-chan up, holdin' her face up to mine so I could rub my nose against hers, press my lips to her forehead like the last time—like the last time I thought I was sayin' goodbye.
Then I reached out an' placed her, real gently, into Maiya's arms. Into her mom's arms.
"Remember," I said, managin' a quivery kinda smile. "Yugetsu."
They started cryin' an' bowin' to me, an' I could see their mouths movin', but I couldn't hear what they were sayin' 'cause there was this weird roaring in my ears, like when the river water swept over me. All I could do was back away real slow, not takin' my eyes off my baby as I left her—but suddenly I couldn't move anymore. The man had seized my hand, like he was gonna kiss it or somethin', but I wrenched it out of his grasp and held it up. Just like that, everyone shut up an' froze in place, like I had Chichiri's power or somethin'.
"Listen," I said in this weird, choked voice. "There ain't no reason for you to ever tell Yu-chan about any of this, about how she came into this world--but if she finds out some day...if somethin' happens and for some reason she hears about me...you tell her that I loved every minute I spent with her, ya hear? You tell her that I loved—"
That was it. I turned an' took off at a run for the woods. My seishi speed got me there in a couple seconds, but I didn't stop at the cover of the trees. I kept goin', 'til I was deep enough that it'd take 'em awhile to find me.
I sat down, hard, on the ground. Curled my legs up against my chest. Closed my eyes an' leaned my chin on my knees an' tried not to make a sound. My eyes were burning, an' there was this weight in my throat—in my chest—that just kept pressin' and pressin' 'til I could hardly breathe, 'til it honest to god hurt just to sit there, just to know that those people down there had my little girl in their arms an' they were gonna leave with her, take her away from me an' I'd never…I'd never…
I fell forward, my palms pressin' into the dirt an' my head hanging down, and finally felt the hot tears streaking down my cheeks. When I breathed in, it was shaky an' loud like a sob, an' so I snatched one of my hands up off the ground an' clapped it over my mouth, tryin' to muffle the sound, keep anybody from hearing.
But somebody did.
I felt him come up behind me. I don't know how he got there so fast, how he knew exactly where I was, but he did. He didn't say anything, an' I was real grateful for that. I don't think I coulda taken it if he'd said anything.
Instead, he sat down behind me, his own breathing harsh and kinda choked, an' real gently put his hand on my shoulder.
It was too much. I broke down, sobbing brokenly into my hand and trying the whole time to stop, but it was like tryin' to push back a flood with just my hands. It washed over me and sucked me under, and the only thing that kept me from being ripped away by the current was that hand on my shoulder. After awhile, I felt steady enough to reach up and grab onto it, clutch it with the hand that wasn't busy muffling my sobs, an' pretty soon Tama's fingers wrapped around mine in a strong, firm grip that was shaking just the slightest bit.
It was a long time before I was ready to let go.
It's weird how the dumbest things can make ya remember. The smell of a cookfire. The sound of rain drummin' on the roof. And other things, things you'd never think would have that kind of power.
I was on the boat to Hokkan, leanin' over the rail of the ship for what musta been the sixth time, feelin' so sick an' miserable that I could hardly move. And just like that, I was back in that stable, surrounded by the stink of puke and hay and animals, feelin' the touch of a wet cloth on my neck, the coolness of water in my mouth as Tama held the ladle to my lips. And since this was a memory and not the real thing, I could skip straight to the good parts—to the sound of those little, gasping sobs as they cut through the silence. To the quaver in Tama's voice as he said, We've got a little girl…
To the feel of her in my arms.
I squeezed my eyes shut, an' even though my stomach had finally stopped churning, I just leaned against the railing for a long time, catchin' my breath an' feelin' the salty spray of the water on my face.
I wondered what she was doin' right now. If she was happy. I hoped she was.
Eh, maybe that was dumb. I mean, she was just a little shit of a baby right now—anyplace that gave her a warm place to sleep an' milk to drink was gonna make her happy.
Okay, then maybe…I hoped she'd be happy. That Maiya an' what's-his-name would treat her right, love her and protect her and keep her safe, but let her be…let her be herself. Find her own way. Be strong. And then maybe someday, she could have her own babies, an' wonder why the hell anybody would go through so much pain and aggravation just to bring another snot-nosed brat into the world…
Was it selfish to wish she'd remember me? That somewhere in those fuzzy little baby memories, she'd remember me holdin' her close, singin' to her real soft and low 'til she fell asleep in my arms?
Maybe it was. But it was all I had, so I was gonna hang onto it.
After awhile, I staggered back to my cabin an' went inside, slumpin' onto the bed the second I got the door closed. I laid there for a long time, listenin' to the creak of the ship an' the sound of the water hittin' the side, an' my stomach was just startin' to feel settled again when there was a knock on my door. An' since the whole fucking wall shook along with it, I figured there was only one guy it could be. I heaved myself up off the bed an' let my legs dangle over the side, wipin' a hand across my face so maybe I'd have a chance of lookin' normal.
"C'mon in, Nuriko," I called.
The door swung open. Nuriko's hair was pulled back into the usual braid, an' he was wearin' this blue an' cream tunic that somehow made him look more like a guy than usual.
He gave me a quick flash of a smile as he came in, but it seemed kinda strained. In fact, I'd been noticin' that kinda thing for the last couple hours—that ever since Tama an' Miaka an' Nuriko got back from Tama's family's house, they'd been actin' kinda…weird. Subdued. I wondered if somethin' had happened, if maybe Tama's dad's health was gettin' bad again or somethin', but I figured that if it was anything real important, somebody woulda told me.
Ya'd think, right?
Nuriko came inside and shut the door behind him, leanin' his back against it an' keepin' his eyes safely away from mine. "Ne, Tasuki… Listen. There's something you need to know."
He was in his cabin when I found him. The door was open so I just stormed right in, an' he was standin' there at the porthole, starin' out at the waves rollin' by. He musta heard me come chargin' in, but he didn't turn around.
Maybe he knew it was me. Maybe he just didn't care.
I knew what I was gonna say; it'd been spinnin' through my head ever since Nuriko told me, an' I just about ran the whole way here 'cause I needed so bad to say it.
Why didn't you fucking tell me? Shit, did ya think I wouldn't understand or somethin'? What the hell were you thinkin'? If I'd a' known, I wouldn't a' spent the last couple hours actin' like some insensitive bastard, treatin' ya like everything was fucking great when really…when really you were dyin' inside.
'Cause you lost them. All of them. Your dad. Your little brothers and sisters.
Yuiren.
Fuck, Tama, why didn't you tell me?
The words sounded hurt an' betrayed in my head, an' even I hadda admit that that wasn't fair. I mean, shit, I hadn't told anybody about what'd happened over the last week; the only way they got the abridged story at all was through Chichiri an' the little bits an' pieces Tama told 'em. I understood not wantin' people to feel sorry for ya, wantin' them to treat ya like normal so ya could start forgettin' about the baby-sized hole in your chest an' get on with yer fucking life, even if it just felt like a cheap imitation of the real thing. I got that.
But why me? Why just not tell me, when I was the only guy here who might actually have a fucking chance of understanding?
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Tama murmured, not turnin' around. "I know I… I should have."
Damn right, you should have!
But the words never made it past my lips, 'cause I felt my anger fadin' away at the sight of him standin' there, his arms crossed an' his back to me, lookin' so sad an' alone an'…broken. I remembered, suddenly, him talkin' about how he couldn't afford to let Miaka be his whole life, 'cause he had his family to look out for. I remembered the way his whole face seemed to glow when he talked about Yuiren, the way his eyes went all soft and happy when he told me that she was more like a daughter to him than a sister, that sometimes when the other kids weren't around she called him 'Papa'…
I'm used to being strong for people, he told me before. Protecting them, being the older brother, the parent…
Shit, was that what you were doin', Tama? Tryin' to protect me? Tryin' to keep me from findin' out about this 'cause you knew I was already hurting? 'Cause like all along, you were tryin' to be strong, tryin' to tough it out on your own?
Did you even have anybody to hold onto when you cried for them?
I didn't say anything. I just walked up behind him and, real gently, rested my hand on his shoulder. Tellin' him without words that it was okay, that he didn't hafta keep bein' strong all by himself. I was the one guy he didn't hafta be the big brother an' the parent to—'cause even if we weren't stuck out in the middle of nowhere with our lives depending on each other, we were still partners. Still equals.
An' I still loved him.
After a couple seconds, I heard his breathing get fast and kinda choked, an' I tightened my grip on his shoulder to anchor him, to give him somethin' to hold onto. Before too long, I felt his fingers clasp over mine, his whole body shaking with silent, shuddering sobs.
After awhile, they slowed and finally stopped, but I didn't move, and Tama didn't let go of my hand. Outside the porthole, the sea was smooth and calm, sparklin' in the sunlight like it was made outta diamonds instead a' water.
We watched it for a long time, thinkin' about our little girls, seein' their faces an' rememberin' what it felt like to hold them close an' feel happy and complete for awhile. Like we were part of somethin'. Like we were a family.
You didn't lose all of them, Tama, I thought, leaning forward just enough so our shoulders were touching, so I could feel him breathing against me.
You still got one of us left.
owari.
seiki no kyuuzou: "explosion of life force"