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A Letter of Difference
It was late, and Lily Evans was waiting up for her best friend. The other girls in the dormitory were fast asleep, their hangings closed. Lily sighed and looked around the bare room bitterly. Her parents were backpacking in Peru during the first two weeks of the summer holidays, leaving their daughters behind. Petunia was allowed to stay at home with piece and quiet to sort out her 'wedding plans', but Lily was being left in the care of her Aunt Marigold. Lily was not happy about the arrangements, not happy at all. This year's summer holidays were going to be worse then usual. True, Petunia had gone out of her way, in previous summer holidays, to make them as miserable as possible, but her mother's sister had an unrelenting dislike for her.
Marlene McKinnon was taking her time returning to the dormitory, the letter in her hands the reason why. Lily wasn't in the best of moods and a letter from James was certainly not going to help. It was best to leave it for the time being, there was no way of knowing how Lily would react. She pocketed it and started up the spiral staircase.
"Hello Lily," she said cheerfully as she entered the dormitory.
"What took you so long?" was the disgruntled reply.
Marlene shook her head and sighed. "I couldn't find Gerard anywhere." She bit her lip.
"Oh. Well that's … er … bad?"
"Definitely."
"Well, did you ask anybody?" Lily said, trying to be helpful.
Marlene nodded. "I asked Thomas where he was and he said he didn't know. Good load of use that fat bastard is," she murmured. There was a moment of silence before: "Damn it! Why can't anything ever be simple in my life?"
Marlene's boyfriend, Gerard, was a seventh year Gryffindor. It made things slightly more complex, especially now he was leaving and Marlene still had an entire year left.
"Oh well, you'll see him on the train won't you? Or tomorrow at breakfast?" Lily said bracingly, trying her best to condole her friend as best she could.
"I guess." Marlene gave a heavyhearted sigh, flopping down onto her bed. "And what about you, who's taken your interest lately?" she inquired, a grin returning to her face. Lily pulled a face in the mirror, turned and faced her friend, tucking her hair behind her ears.
"No one really, they all look the same as they did last week. Although you never know, one of the first years next year might be an eighteen year old in disguise," she shrugged, sitting on the end of Marlene's bed. Marlene snorted.
"You can hope. It won't happen though. Or maybe …" she suggested in a moment of optimism, "there will be a transfer student?" Lily shook her head.
"I doubt anyone would venture into the country at the moment, what with You-Know-Who on the rise and more and more people disappearing each day. Unless he attacked Beauxbatons, but I still think a transfer student is highly unlikely," Lily said sadly.
"Yeah, you're right. You do know you are allowed to stay at mine during the day whenever you want," Marlene said with a small smile. Lily nodded.
"Yes, I do, thanks … expect me on the first day," she said grimily, before laughing.
"Where were we?" Marlene questioned, "Oh yeah. So who do you think would qualify as boyfriend material?" she said, sitting up and crossing her legs.
"I dunno, give me some names and I'll tell you what I think," Lily said yawning.
"Jorn Wright?"
"The Ravenclaw seeker? Um, well, he's okay. Not exactly reliable is he? With all those Quidditch practices he goes to."
"Okay then … how about, Giles Rafferty?" Lily's face remained blank. "You know … tall, blonde hair, Hufflepuff?"
"Oh! I know who you're on about! Didn't his Dad have an affair with a Muggle?" Marlene nodded.
"Yeah. The Muggle woman and his wife became friends, y'know. How weird is that?"
"Pretty weird. Seems he's got enough trouble in his life with out adding me to his problems." Marlene nodded again and wrinkled her nose in thought looking for the next potential boy that could suit Lily's tastes.
"How about Charlie Lachlan? He seems pretty interested in you at the moment."
Charlie Lachlan was one of those people you couldn't fault - at least not in public. His parents knew nothing of the life he led at Hogwarts, as far as they knew he studied hard and got exceedingly good grades. The latter he did, though how, no one knew. He was always hosting parties in the Hufflepuff common room, and he usually had some kind of addictive substance on him. He had perfect manners in his parents company, but alone or at school was a completely different matter.
"No. I don't think so somehow," she replied shortly.
"How about Potter then?" Marlene said trying to hide her laughter.
"I don't like Potter, why would you even consider him?" Lily snapped defensively, fighting not to turn pink.
It wasn't that she didn't find James Potter attractive. It wasn't even the fact he was popular that put her off him. It was the fact he achieved everything so easily. It annoyed her how he could spend most of a lesson asleep but still be able to answer a question when asked by a professor, and how he managed to have time to relax when everyone else was working themselves a sweat trying to revise for exams and tests. She worked hard to get her grades, like everyone else and therefore felt that when James Potter matched or surpassed her that he didn't deserve to - he didn't work half as hard as she did. He didn't get punished for it, so consequently she had to punish him herself, taking him down a notch or two whenever the chance arose.
However, she was beginning to waver under her conscience. It wasn't exactly fair, punishing him for the way he was, not liking him just because he could do all of the things she couldn't … She began doubting whether she truly hated him, after all, nothing else about him really bothered her …
"I don't know … oh yeah, I have something for you." Marlene reached inside the pocket and withdrew a slightly crumpled roll of parchment, handing it to her.
Lily studied it for a second before looking up at her sceptically. "What is this meant to be?"
"A letter from Potter. Surely you recognise the little flourish of your name?" Marlene said with a snort of laughter. Lily nodded, biting her lip.
If she read it in front of Marlene she would end up giving away the fact that she may have feelings for him, if she didn't read it - and ripped it up - then it would reaffirm, at least to Marlene, that she still hated him. Lily didn't think she could bare the fact that she may have been wrong about James and telling her best friend was like telling a sieve to keep water in it. She didn't want to be pressured into to telling Potter she was wrong, and if she confined in Marlene that was sure to happen. Either that or Marlene would tell him for her.
"A letter from Potter only serves one purpose," Lily said, forcing a faint smirk. "To litter the floor in shreds." Taking a deep but silent breath, Lily tore the letter up into tiny pieces and dropped them on the floor. Marlene laughed and glanced at her wristwatch.
"I think I'm going to call it a night," she said, stifling a yawn and stretching out on her bed. Lily smiled lazily and nodded.
"Yeah. I think it's time I did as well. Wake me up tomorrow morning," she added, crossing over to her own bed and collapsing into the covers as if to go to sleep.
She closed her eyes, listening hard to Marlene's breathing. Eventually after a surprisingly long ten minutes, which seemed more like ten hours to Lily, Marlene started snoring as usual - a sure sign that she was asleep. Lily sat up slowly, glancing over at her best friend. She found her wand and pointed it at the spot where the pieces of parchment had fallen to the floor.
"Accio," she whispered, seconds latter the pieces of parchment were in the safe confines of her hands. She looked around, her heart thumping wildly in her chest. It wasn't as if she was doing anything wrong. All she wanted to do was see what he had written to her … she could easily play it off and pretend she wanted to use it as blackmail if he ever tried to pull another stunt on her.
She closed the hangings round her bed as an extra precaution; she didn't want anyone waking from the light of her wand. She muttered the 'Reparo!' and was highly annoyed when it failed to work. After several more failed attempts it left Lily with the tedious job of piecing the letter back together piece by piece.
She was soon wishing she hadn't shredded it into so many pieces; she was still up well past three in the morning putting the pieces together as best she could by the thin light of her wand. Her eyes were drooping and she felt as if she could have dropped off to sleep at any point, but she wasn't going to do that and waste all the time she had spent putting it back together.
She raised her wand to give herself a better light to read by and even then it was difficult to make out the words where the pieces were joined together.
Lily,
I know all you'll want to do is rip this up when you see whom it's from, but just wait until you've heard me out, okay?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being the arrogant, bullying, toerag that I am. I'm sorry that my head's inflated. I'm sorry that you'll never see me as anything else. The list could go on, I'm aware of that fact but that's not the point.
The point is that I am sincerely sorry that who I am doesn't meet your requirements. However, I do believe it's pretty hard to change who you are just like that. I will, and can never be, anyone else but the James Potter you know and detest.
Yet I have changed, matured- whatever you want to call it. McGonagall recently asked me if I would consider tutoring some of the younger students in Transfiguration next year. After considering, I accepted. A year ago I wouldn't have given it a second thought. You know that as well as I do. I would have probably thought it would interfere too much with Quidditch practises or something equally self-concerning.
I know there's nothing that I can do to change your opinion on me, unless I change myself for your liking. Or maybe-maybe you will take the time to get to know me properly?
Just think about it. I'm not asking you to Hogsmeade, I'm asking you to spend sometime with me, on your own terms. Perhaps you'll have a change of heart or something, see me in a different light. It's really all down to you.
If you do and you still don't like me then-then I promise I won't bother you again- for the remainder of Hogwarts. And if you don't then the same applies. I only hope you do give me the time of day.
James
Fatigued, she collected the pieces together and shoved them into her robe pocket. She slipped back under the covers, pulling them round her tightly before whispering 'Nox' to extinguish the light from her wand. Maybe she'd find James tomorrow and tell him that she did see him in a different light … she would have to admit it sooner or later, people were bound to start noticing soon.
She was woken by Marlene shaking her, not one of the most pleasant ways of waking up. She groaned and rolled over, burying her head into her pillow, trying to ignore Marlene's lecture that she was going to miss the train back to platform nine-and-three-quarters.
Eventually, fed up of Marlene whining at her, she got out of bed sourly and headed for the Girls' bathrooms for a quick shower to wake her up. She dressed quickly, as Marlene started to criticise her for her lack of organisation in the mornings.
"Lay off, would you? If you had to spend two weeks in the - the fires of hell, you wouldn't be too keen to leave your sanctuary, would you?" she said crossly, doing up the laces on her trainers.
"I guess not. I'm just excited to be seeing my family again. You know I haven't seen them for a year due to … well, you know."
Marlene hadn't been home once during the school year because of her family's involvement in the fight against You-Know-Who. They had thought it too dangerous for her to be at home with no one to look after her, especially in these dangerous times. For the summer holidays, with Marlene turning of age they had grudgingly told her in several letters that she would be allowed to stay at home as long as Lily came round. Marlene had been worried she would have to stay at somewhere like the Potters' (who were good friends with her own parents) - which definitely would not have suited her, especially since getting Lily to come round would have been a problem …
They made their way down to breakfast in near silence, Lily not feeling in any mood to talk. She put a hand into the pocket of her robe and felt her fingers come into contact with the pieces of parchment from last night. She stiffened slightly, her mind racing in panic … what if one of the pieces fell out? What if Potter played one of his stupid little pranks and turned her upside down? What if it had been one of his pranks? It had certainly been different from any other attempt he had made at getting her to go out with him. Or maybe … no, she was being stupid; he wouldn't upset her like that …
The Great Hall was full of chattering students. Lily scanned the Gryffindor table for any sign of the Marauders; to her surprise, none of them were anywhere to be seen.
Biting into her toast, Lily was having an internal battle. She knew she would have to ditch her façade towards Potter sooner or later … the problem was half of her wanted to get it over and done with as soon as possible, and other half wanted her to maintain a little dignity. Although she remembered her mother telling her once that people would respect others much more if they were big enough to admit something … and if she left it over the holidays, she might end up actually Apparating over to Potter's house (after passing her Apparating test, of course) and telling him, which would cause much embarrassment. She had no choice but to find him on the train and ask for a private word. Knowing Black, he'd probably be laughing his head off as she did, and she had the vague idea that she would end up losing her temper and not saying what she wanted to say.
All too soon it was time to get into the invisibly drawn carriages heading for the small station in Hogsmeade, where the gleaming red steam train would be waiting to take them back into the uncertain, uneasy and fighting real world.
A/N: Thank you to anniePADFOOT, Alex C. Potter, starburst1237, BelleBuckBeak and Godswake for the reviews, very much appreciated :)
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