Disclaimer: Eeeerrrr, I don't really know what to say. JUST READ THE DAMN STORY! Crappy title, I know. I will change it soon!
HALO: Combat Devolved
We see HALO, the giant Hula- Hoop slowly spinning around on its axis. Strange, source less music erupts out of nowhere. The Camera pans around 180 degrees and the Pillar of Goths comes into view for a second before the Pillar of Goths smashes the camera to atomic level.
Camera no. 2
The camera no. 2 approaches a glass box that is obviously the Pillar of Goths bridge… and subsequently smashed into it, creating a lovely smear.
"Stupid space dwelling bug thing!" complained the Pilot, pressing a button marked Windscreen wipers. The smear is wiped off.
Camera no. 3
We appear in the bridge, and see Captain Keyes staring out of the window box, at the giant Donut.
"Cortana, all I really need to know is, did we lose them?" he asked
"I think we both know the answer to that" said a disembodied voice. Cortana appears on a Holographic Pedestal.
"No we don't"
"Yes we do"
"Don't!"
"Do!"
"Don't!"
"DO!"
"AAAAAGH, GAINT BUG EYED ALIEN!" yelled Keyes, taking his Pistol out of it's holster and hitting camera no. 3 repeatedly with it. Camera no. 3 three is destroyed.
Camera no. 4
We appear back in the bridge. This time, though, the camera is invisible and has an impenetrable shield around it.
We see Captain Keyes walk over to a console manned by a technician. The technician is playing Halo 2 Live.
"Hang on a minute! How the HELL can Halo 2 exist yet when this is Halo?" asked Keyes. The Halo 2 Live disappears in a puff of logic.
"Dammit!" Yelled the technician "I was having fun!"
"JUST SHOW ME THE DAMN COMPUTER SCREEN THAT SHOWS ALL THE COMPLICATED SPACE STUFF THAT'S REALLY A RECIPE FOR FRENCH BREAD!" yelled Keyes.
"Eeeerrr oooookaaaaay" said the Technician, pressing a few buttons and a complicated graph appears on the screen.
"French bread!" admired Keyes. Keyes shakes his head "I mean, we made a blind jump, how did they…?"
"Get here first? Covenant have always been faster. It didn't help when you wanted stop for that Christmas Tree" interrupted Cortana. Keyes turns towards a Christmas Tree that's in a nearby corner that is covered in winking fairy lights.
"Christmas Treeeee" gurgled Keyes, froth coming out of his mouth. Several Technicians do the same. Keyes shakes his head again and spits the froth, at the nearby bin, which hits the camera no. 4 on the lens. Camera no. 4 shorts out and the shield and invisibility wear off.
"ANOTHER BUG EYED ALIEN!" yelled Keyes, stamping on camera no.4
Camera no. 5
We see Keyes walk up to the big Holographic board thingy that has lots of colourful images on it.
"Preeeetty!" admired Keyes "I mean, we were running dark, Yes?"
"Well, my sensor log says that a Marine on B deck left his night light on. Also, you insisted on having the Christmas Tree lights on." Said Cortana. Keyes and the Technicians turn to the tree.
"Christmas Treeeeee!" Repeated Keyes.
(Ignoring this) "They were waiting for us on the far side of the planet" informed Cortana.
"So where do we stand?" asked Keyes, regaining his composure.
"We are currently on the bridge" stated Cortana.
"I know that, I meant the Covenant!" said Keyes.
"Them? Yeah, we've just finished giving their recon picket an MOT, which they failed, but I've isolated multiple SCS battle groups, make it 3 Capital ships per group and in 90 seconds, their going to be all over us" said Cortana.
"Well that's it, bring the ship back up to combat alert. I want everyone to have a glass of Lemonade"
"Don't you mean that you want everyone to be at their stations?" asked Cortana.
"Eeeerrr, that to. And Cortana?"
"Hmm?"
"Lets give our old friends a shaken and not stirred one" said Keyes
"I've already begun" replied Cortana.
In a cocktail bar, the barman prepares and Martini and hands it to an Elite.
"Oh, hey, thanks!" thanked the Elite.
We see a Marine waving two blue light sticks at a stationary Pelican drop ship (have you always wondered why he does that in HALO?) a Marine walks up to him.
"Hey, Mike, you don't really need to do that. The Pelican is stationary" said the Marine.
"I know, Sam" replied Mike "It's just that I've been poorly programmed"
We continue down and see Scorpions being loaded into Pelicans and Warthogs aimlessly driving around. A particular Warthog drives into an archway and passes Sergeant Avery Johnson's.
"You heard the lady! Move like you've got a purpose!" yelled Johnson. The Marines form up and Johnson walks between the Marines.
"When you see those son-ofa- aliens, I want you to rip their Testicles off and shove them in their mouth and want you to shoot them in the stomach and leave them to drown and suffocate in their own blood and sexual organs, am I right Marines?" yelled Johnson.
"Sir, yes, sir!" Shouted the Marines
"Uh huh! Now move out! Double time! I have Soaps on TV!" yelled Johnson. The Marines move out and Johnson goes to watches his Soaps.
We appear in the Cryo station. A Tech is busy typing random buttons. Suddenly, a message appears on a screen from Cortana. The message reads 'Release Frosty the Snowman'.
"FROSTY THE SNOWMAN? YAAAAY! I mean, whoa, sir?" said Tech 1
"Right, let's thaw him out!" said Tech 2
"What? Your gonna kill Frosty the Snowman! Noooo! I won't let you do it!" yelled Tech 1. Tech 2 knocks Tech 1 out with a judo chop.
"Okay, bringing low level systems back from the dead, Cracking the case in on nanosecond" said Tech 2. We pan in for a close up.
"He's hot! Blowing the pins in five!"
4 minutes and 55 seconds later…
"Oh yeah" said Tech 2, pressing a random button. The casket door explodes off and crushed camera no. 5
Camera no. 6
Steam spreads upward and the MC steps out.
Disclaimer: hope you like that chapter! And make sure you review! also, next chapter for HALO: Separate Events will be up soon! I aslo working on my other stories to.
Chapter 2:
Disclaimer: the next instalment of HALO: Combat Devolved. Enjoy!
HALO: Pillar of Goths
The steam curled around the SPARTAN. Camera no. 6 pans round for a view behind the Master Sith.
"Hey Master Sith, good to see you again!" said a nearby Tech, who will be known as Tech 3.
"The Dark side calls to you" replied Master Sith.
"Eeeerrr, sure" said Tech 3 "Anywho, we have to do some testing. Please go over to the big square thing over there (Tech 3 points at big square thing) so that we can test you targeting thingymatchigy for some unknown reason". The Master Sith and Tech 3 walk over to the test station and the Master Sith stands in the big square thingy.
"Please look at the shiny red lights, Master Sith" asked Tech 2 in the Cryo box thing. Tech 3 stares at the shiny red light things.
"SHINY RED LIGHT THINGS!" muttered Tech 3, froth coming out of his mouth.
"I meant the Master Sith, not you!" complained Tech 2.
"Sorry" apologised Tech 3.
The Master Sith completes the test and earns his Boy Scout badge.
"Okay Sith, we have to go check your Shield strength and all that complicated stuff" said Tech 3. Tech 3 moves to the Shield strength test station, followed by Master Sith.
"Please stand in the big red square" asked Tech 3. Master Sith complies and the big arms thingy's that surround the Master Sith start to charge up the Master Sith's Shield.
"Feel so strong…" said Master Sith "Feel so powerful… so much power!" then the arm thingy's destroy MS's Shield.
"Vile arm things! Feel the Darklords power!" Yelled MS. MS brings out a lightsaber and cuts the arm things to microscopic pieces.
"Eeerrr, is he okay?" asked Tech 3 to Tech 2
"I see now" said Tech 2 "someone put the entire Star Wars film collection into the DVD Player on continuous loop again". Tech 2 takes the DVD out of the DVD Player and the MS turns back into the MC.
"Whoever did that is going to pay!" threatened MC
"I KNOW! IT WAS YOU!" yelled Tech 3, pointing an accusing finger at MC.
"Hey! I was in the Cryo pod! I was out cold!" complained MC
"And what kinkyl fun we had to!" said Tech 3, a hint of perverseness in his eyes.
Then Evil Tech 4 appears next Tech 2.
"Oh hi Evil Tech 4, what are you doing here?" greeted Tech 2
"He he he! It is I! I put the DVD into the DVD Player on continuous loop so that I could use Master Sith to take over the Universe!" said Evil Tech 4. Evil Tech 4 sees that Master Sith is back to being Master Chief.
"Aw, Crapfuck" said Evil Tech 4, and disappears. Then some Covenant Elites start bashing the door down to kill Tech 2 in the Cryo Control.
"O-h n-o" slowly yelled Tech 2, deliberately "I'-m g-o-i-n-g t-o d-i-e a h-o-r-r-i-f-i-c d-e-a-t-h f-r-o-m t-h-e E-l-i-t-e-s P-l-a-s-m-a R-i-f-l-e-s e-v-e-n t-h-o-u-g-h t-h-e-r-e i-s a d-o-o-r r-i-g-h-t n-e-x-t t-o m-e- t-h-a-t I c-a-n u-s-e t-o e-s-c-a-p-e! A-a-a-g-h-!-!"
Then the door imploded and the Elites shot Tech 2 for being so stupid.
"WE'RE GONNA DIE, I mean, this way to the Bridge, Chief" said Tech 3. Tech 3 ran to the door, stopped in front of it, and turned to face the MC.
"Why are you stopping?" asked Chief
"Due to poor programming, I stand here moronically staring at you for half an hour" answered Tech 3.
Exactly half an hour later…
Tech 3 is looking at his watch.
"Ah, here we go" said Tech 3, getting out the script "ahem, come on, this way!"
Tech 3 goes through the door followed by MC.
"MUST RUN INTO IMMINENT FIERY EXPLOSION!" yelled Tech 3, running at the door at the far side of the corridor, froth violently coming out of his mouth (have you always wonder why he does that?).
Tech 3 turned to face MC. The door imploded and Tech 3's lifeless ,non dismembered or bloodied body landed exactly 2 metres from the now imploded door.
"What-an-idiot" said the MC.
The MC ran up to two pipes and jumped over them into the next corridor. The MC ran through a door and saw a battle raging in front of him between Covenant forces and Human defenders.
"EVIL COVENANT SCUM! DIE!" yelled MC, MC then ran up to the Covenant, and was stopped by an invisible wall.
"DAMMIT! STUPID CRAPPY GAME PHYSICS!" yelled MC. MC then spotted a doorway that led to an Armoury.
"GUNS! DEATH! PAIN!" yelled MC, running into said armoury. What the MC found there instead were injured Marines, barricades and nude pictures.
"DAMMIT! NO GUNS EQUALS NO PAIN OR DEATH! SHIT!" yelled MC. Our Hero continued forth with his quest, the quest to get to the bridge (Monty Python and the Holy Grail music starts playing). MC went through a door at the far end of the Armoury. Another battle raged between the two factions. Two Blue Elites and Four Grunts were busy shooting the cowering Technicians. For some stupid reason, possibly crappy programming, the Technicians were in the middle of the floor with their hands over their heads, getting pwned by the Covenant. Then, a totally random Technician, ran up to the blast doors, which were closing, stopped, and yelled;
"Wait for me!", before getting pwned by an invisible Plasma Grenade that exploded ever so conveniently behind him.
"MORE EVIL COVENANT SCUM! DIE!" yelled MC. MC ran up to the Covenant, and it is needless to say what happened then. After an hour of walking through hallways, attacking groups of Covenant troops and being stopped by invisible walls, the MC finally came to the Bridge. MC stalked up to Keyes.
"Captain Keyes, aka Monkey crap" said MC.
"Kuwabara kuwabara" said Keyes, his hand reaching down and touching MC's crotch.
"Eer Sir? I think that's from another Video Game" said Cortana.
"Video game?" asked Keyes, confused. MC held out his hand and Keyes shook it. MC pulverised Keyes arm to dust.
"Er, some grip you've got there Chief" said Keyes, amputating his arm, which mysteriously re-grew seconds later. Cortana suddenly appeared in the Holographic Pedestal.
"Sleep well?" asked Cortana.
"Was it you who was making me dream that we were having hot, steamy and exotic sex?" asked MC
"Maybe" replied Cortana, mischievously.
"Kinky" stated MC.
Then the Pillar of Goths shuddered from an explosion.
"DAMAGE REPORT!" squeled Keyes.
"Sir!" yelled a Technician "the big Mac'n'cheese is offline!"
"Sir, the big Mac'n'Cheese was my last defensive weapon" informed Cortana
"That's it, I am ordering Cole Protocol Article B. We're all going to… DISNEYLAND!" ordered Keyes.
"Actually, Cole Protocol Article B is 'abandon ship'. 'Going to DISNEYLAND!' is Cole Protocol Article C, you stupid sheep shit" explained Cortana.
"Riiight, anywho, Cortana, sort out some of my favourite alcohol and weed concoctions. Daddy needs his happy juice!" ordered Keyes
"Do you want me to lock in some landing co-ordinates for the Pillar of Goths while I'm doing that?" asked Cortana.
"Eer, that to" said Keyes. Cortana disappeared.
"That's where you come in, Chief. Get Cortana off this ship. If the Covenant finds her, they'll Cyber rape her. As Kinky as that sounds, the Covenant will learn our troop deployments, how to make rubber gloves, and (shudders)…. My favourite alcohol and weed concoctions" said Keyes
"What about Earth? And why is there a Christmas Tree on the Bridge?" asked MC. As one, Keyes and the Bridge Crew turned towards said Christmas Tree.
"Christmas Treeeee!" chorused Keyes and the Bridge Crew, froth coming out of their mouths. Keyes shakes his head. "Earth? That gets pwned at the end of Halo 2
"Nuh uh"
"Yea huh"
"Nuh uh"
"Yea huh
"Nuh uh"
"Anywho, here's my pistol" said Keyes, giving MC his Pistol "I don't keep it loaded cos' I'm a n00b"
"Why don't you keep it loaded? What if the Covenant came into the Bridge now?"
"Cos' I'm a n0000b! and I've been programmed by the HOLY BUNGIE PROGRAMMERS" yelled Keyes, turning to a shrine for the bungie programmers, entitled, 'Shrine for Bungie Programmers'.
"Well that explains why this game is poorly programmed, with lots of stupid AI's and Invisible Walls" said MC
"DO NOT INSULT THE SACRED BUNGIE PROGRAMMERS! THEY ARE VERY HOLY and, eer SACRED!"
"Ooookay" replied MC
Then Cortana reappeared and Keyes's alcohol and weed concoctions appeared on the big glass monitor.
"Ooooh, Lager and LSD" chimed MC.
"Yes, that's my favourite experimental concoction. I invented it when I went to a kinky fancy dress party. Damn, I can never forget those Midget sadists, or their leather clad Queen, who had a whip!" reminisced Keyes. Everyone was looking at Keyes.
"EEERM, LOOK OVER THERE, A GIANT DANCING MONKEY" yelled Keyes pointing in a random direction. Everyone looks in random direction. Whilst everyone is looking in random direction, Keyes hides behind the Christmas Tree.
"GIANT DANCING MONKEY! WHERE?" shouted MC. MC sees that there is no Giant dancing monkey.
"Dammit! He lied to us!" complained MC. MC leaves the Bridge. Keyes comes out from behind the Christmas Tree.
"He he! My Christmas Tree disguise worked! (Keyes sees that everyone is looking at him) Damn! My Christmas Tree disguise is defective!"
Meanwhile, three Grunts are searching for the Bridge.
"Where is the Bridge?" asked Grunt number one.
"Me don't know!" said Grunt number 2. Behind the trio, a huge neon sign with flashing lights around it reads 'BRIDGE'. Grunt no. 2 then moves across a beam that sets off a recording of Cortana;
"Welcome to the Bridge. Covenant and Salesmen are not welcome. Especially Salesmen selling double-glazing. We already have Double-glazing, dammit!"
"INVISIBLE HUMAN!" wailed Grunt no. 1
"RUN AWAY!" screeched Grunt no. 2
"DOUBLE-GLAZING SALESMEN!" squeled Grunt no. 3. The Grunts run around in a circle, panicking. The MC comes in and sees the Grunts panicking. MC pwns them.
"That was easy" said MC.
"We have to get to a Life-Tug and get off the Pillar of Goths" explained Cortana "I have found a Life-Tug… here" a Navicomp appears in MC's HUD, over 37 Kilometres away.
"… How long is this ship?" asked Chief.
"Exactly 37 Kilometres, 2 Inches and 1.5 Centimetres long" replied Cortana. MC travelled through the ship, pwning Covenant, posing, and bumping into Invisible Walls. Eventually, MC and Co. made it to the LifeTug.
"Hang on a minute, the LifeTugs just launched" stated Cortana "there's another LifeTug, exactly 2 feet from the Bridge"
"Why didn't you tell me that there was a LifeTug exactly 2 feet form the Bridge?" complained MC.
"I was being Evil" explained Cortana, and another Navicomp appeared in MC's HUD.
Eventually, the MC arrived back at the Bridge where a huge battle was being fought.
Then MC saw his arch enemy, Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"Demon! Hiss!" yelled Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King! Hiss!" yelled MC
"Oh no, hissy bitch fight" said Cortana.
"ENERGY SWORD ATTACK!" yelled Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"ASSAULT RIFLE ATTACK!" shouted MC. Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King sprang towards MC, brandishing his Energy Sword. MC fired his Assault Rifle at Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"DODGE BULLETS FROM MASTER CHIEF'S ASSAULT RIFLE MATRIX STYLE ATTACK!" yelled Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King, dodging MC bullets matrix style.
"Nice attack name!" complimented MC.
"Thank you!" replied Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King.
"STICK PLASMA GRENADE TO EVIL ELITE 1337 PWNING KING'S FACE ATTACK!" yelled MC sticking a Plasma Grenade to Evil Elite 1337 Pwning Kings face.
"Aw crapfuck" said Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King "I'll be back!"
Evil Elite 1337 Pwning King blew up into tiny microscopic pieces. The Plasma Grenades explosion set Johnson's drapes on fire. Enter Johnson.
(In high pitched girly voice) "Squeal! My drapes are on fire! Squeal!" Squealed Johnson. Everyone in the Universe and beyond turns to stare at him.
"Eeer, look over there, it's, umm, a distraction!" said Johnson. Everyone continues to stare at Johnson.
"Amateur!" said Cortana.
"I'd like to see you try!" challenged Johnson.
"LOOK! CAPTAIN KEYES RUNNING WITH A CHRISTMAS TREE IN HIS HANDS WHILE FROTHING AT THE MOUTH!" yelled Cortana. Everyone looks in direction that Cortana pointed.
"Eeer, yeah, shut up" said Johnson, looking stupid. Johnson then ran away making Monkey noises. Everyone looked back and saw that Johnson had fled. Then Captain Keyes really did run by with a Christmas Tree in his hands while frothing at the mouth, but no one noticed cos' they were busy pwning each other.
Meanwhile, MC had reached the LifeTug. As he stepped in, a Marine, who was covered in blood and gore jumped in behind him and fell to the floor, screaming. A huge wave of Covenant forces ran towards the Marine. The MC grabbed the Marine and threw him into the Covenant force, where he was ripped to pieces in a very Zombie movie like way. Then MC closed the door.
"Punch it!" he said to the Pilot.
"Aye Sir!" said the Pilot. The LifeTug launched. When the LifeTug was a save distance away, we see the Pillar of Goths move past the LifeTug.
"I knew it, Keyes is driving drunk and high again" stated Cortana, pointing out the obvious.
"Is this the eleventh or twelfth time he's driven drunk and high?" asked MC
"Nah, it's the fifteenth" replied Cortana. The LifeTug began its decent into the Bagels atmosphere.
"You'd rather not take a seat?" asked Cortana
"We'll be fine" replied MC, grabbing hold of a lever marked 'DO NOT TOUCH THIS LEVER OR EVERYONE IN THE LIFETUG WILL DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH'.
The LifeTug passed through the Bagels atmosphere and everything goes black.
Disclaimer: Wooow. Two thousand, two hundred and ninety one words! To everyone who reads this story: REVIEW DAMMIT!
Chapter 3:
Disclaimer: this chap has more Monty Python references. REVIEW!
DONUT
We see the LifeTug speed over a cliff. Onboard, the Pilot yells;
"Damn! The airbrakes are failing...deployed too soon. We're losing her! Brace for impact!" Then everything goes black.
Several minutes later…
"Hey, wake up, fat ass!" said Cortana. MC's wakes up and his eyes re-focus.
"The others…scanning… it seems they died from high velocity wounds, most likely falling from a great height" said Cortana.
Master Chief hastily removed his hands from the Emergency Hatch.
"Really? I wonder how that happened? Anywho, we have to scarper quickly, before the Covenant get here and pwns us" said Chief, whistling suspiciously, walking out of the LifeTug. The MC gathers supplies, carelessly stepping on the mangled bodies of the Marines, making lovely squishy sounds. After gathering Ammo, Grenades, etc, the MC walks up to the brown metal supports that link on side of the valley to the other.
"What is the point of these supports?" asked Cortana.
"The supports are there for PLOT CONVENIENCE" said the Bungie Writers.
"Couldn't you just edited out the valley instead?" asked Cortana.
SLAP!
"Do not question the Bungie Writers! Anyway, we think it looks nice!" said the Bungie Writers. Unfazed by this, MC starts to cross the supports. Halfway across the supports, Plasma bolts strike the support just behind MC.
"It's a bird… no, a plane!… no wait… A GIANT SAMURAI SWORD WIELDING MOTH!" cried Cortana. MC reaches the other side of the Support/Bridge Hybrid.
"Or it could just be a Covenant Dropship and it's Banshee escort" explained MC.
"Oh yeh, hadn't thought of that" relied Cortana.
"Must fire potentially lethal Plasma guns at Enemy, but miss every shot!" yelled the Elite in the Banshee., firing his Plasma weapons, but missing. MC shoots at the Banshee with his Magnum, and after an entire clip, smoke starts pouring out of the Banshee. The Banshee turns around and fired its Fuel Rod Cannon and Plasma Cannons at the TOTALLY IMPERVIOUS ROCK, not even denting it. The MC reloads his Magnum and Pwns the Banshee.
"OWN3D!" yelled MC, his fist in the air. The Dropship unloads a squad of Grunts and an Elite, then leaves. The Covenant gather round in a small group and admire the dead bodies.
"Oooh, deeeaaad Huumaans!" said one such Grunt.
"Can't… resist!" said MC, taking out a Frag Grenade. MC primes the Frag Grenade and throws it like a Cricket Ball at the Covenant squad. The Frag Grenade lands amongst the Covenant. A Grunt looks down;
"Uh…oh"
WHUMP! Bits of Grunt and Elite fly everywhere.
"And if we replay that, we can see that he has some good spin on that Frag Grenade!" commented a Cricket Commentator. On screen, the MC throws the Frag and it lands in the Covenant squad. The Grunts eyes widen as the Frag comes to a halt in front of the Grunt. 'Uh…. Oh' repeated the Grunt, and the Frag explodes, sending body bits and gore flying.
"D00d, like, OWN3333D!" yelled MC, running across the Bridge to collect the Plasma Grenades. After collecting the remaining Plasma Grenades, MC went back over the Bridge. The MC came to a giant boulder with some trees further up the valley. A Covenant squad can be seen running down the valley. MC takes cover and a Red Elite comes round the boulder. MC jumps out and Bitchslaps the Elite to death. The MC continues up the valley, Pwning Grunts as he goes.
Eventually, MC reached a GAINT STRUCTURE THAT SHOOTS BLUE ENERGY BEAMS INTO SPACE FOR SOME POINTLESS REASON. In a clearing, a Covie Dropship drops it's troops off and flies away. MC ran into the clearing and threw a Plasma Grenade at the Red Elite. The Plasma Grenade explodes, killing the Elite.
"Omigod! D00d! Look! (Grunt points at dead Elite) the Red Elite just got OWN3D!"
The Covenant crowd around the dead Elites body, not noticing the Frag Grenade in their midst. A Blue Elite says;
"I guess that leaves me in…"
WHUMP! Goes the Grenade, setting the Plasma Grenades off as well. Covenant gore fly everywhere. MC jumps out of his hiding spot and walks over to Sergeant Avery J. Johnson.
"How's it going Sergeant?" asked Cortana.
"It's bad, ma'am. We're scattered all over this place. We called for evac, but before you arrived, I thought we were gonna get melted down and turned into Plasticine!" replied Johnson.
"Eeeek! Covenant Dropship inbound! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" squealed a Marine. The Covenant Dropship lands and drops it's load and flies away really fast. MC and the Marines take out the Covenant troops and another Covenant Dropship unloads its troop complement. Eventually, the last of the Covenant resistance is silence and Cortana remarks on the battle;
"Why did you Covenant Dropships come in one by one? Why didn't they all just come at once and overwhelm us?"
"PLOT CONVENIENCE!" yelled the Bungie Writers.
Then, three LifeTugs storm over the clear blue sky, leaving white, fluffy vapour trails behind.
"Nice description!" admired Cortana.
"Thanks!" thanked Author.
"Anywho, why are there still LifeTug's coming down, when we were in the last LifeTug?" asked Cortana.
"PLOT CON…"
(Interrupting) "Oh yeh, your precious 'Plot Convenience'" mocked Cortana. Pelican 419 flies over the MC.
"This is Pelican 419, is anyone reading me? Over"
"Foehammer! Hiss!" hissed Cortana.
"Cortana! Hiss!" replied Foehammer.
"Ah crap, hissy fight" interjected MC.
"CHAINGUN ATTACK!" yelled Foehammer, firing her Chaingun, missing MC by inches.
"TAKE CONTROL OFF PELICAN ATTACK!" yelled Cortana, taking Pelican 419. Foehammer takes back control.
"You won this time, Cyber bitch!" said Foehammer.
"Just deploy the Warthog, slag!" countered Cortana. Pelican 419 deploys the Warthog, picks up survivors and leaves.
"Alright, we have to go and rescue the survivors" said Cortana.
"Do I get a choice?" asked MC.
"No" replied Cortana.
"Fine (takes out two Coconut half's and bashes them together. MC starts to move as if he is on a horse. Monty Python and the Holy Grail music starts to play) onward to Camelot!… I mean, to the survivors!" said MC. And thus Master Chief's great quest continues, and…
(Interrupting) "Chief!" yelled Cortana.
"What?" said MC.
"The Warthog" stated Cortana.
"Oh that!" said MC.
(Gets into Warthog) "Ready?" says MC to Johnson.
"Sure am!" replied Johnson, getting out two Coconut half's.
MC slams the accelerator down and the Warthog lurches forward. Johnson bashes the Coconut half's together at a faster pace and Monty Python and the Holy Grail music starts to play. The MC and Co. reaches a tunnel.
"This tunnel was made artificially, not naturally" stated Cortana.
"You'd think?" countered MC. The Warthog continues forth.
"I've hacked into Halo 2 Live and other online games… we've now got free lifetime subscription. They're transmitting billing information on unencrypted channels; lets show them who they're dealing with! Also, I'm going to use your suits COM to steal Credit Card numbers.
"Whoa, free lifetime subscription! I mean, and what about the Covenant?" asked MC
"Them? Scanning… they're mostly playing Halo 2 Live and looking at nude pics of each other (long pause) He he, they pissed now! I've just pwned the Fleet Commander at Halo 2 Live, raided his personal files and posted nude pics of him and his wife, a foursome with Truth, Regret and Mercy and of him and a Grunt called Yayap in a hot tube. I've also stolen all his Credit Card numbers!" said Cortana.
(REALLY impressed) "Whoa, foursome, I mean did that in two seconds?"
"Yep"
"Whoooa"
The MC and Co. came to a big empty room with a big gap in the middle, and pwns all the Covenant forces. Then the MC and Co. see an old man by the gap. Then the Gunner gets off the Warthog and walks up to the old man.
"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see" said the old man.
"Ask me the questions, old man. I am not afraid" said the Gunner.
"What... is your name?"
"The Unanimous Marine who will get killed"
"What... is your quest?"
"To kick Covenant ass!"
"What... is your favourite colour?"
"Blue"
"Go on. Off you go"
"Oh, hey, thanks" thanked the Gunner, crossing the Bridge. MC and Johnson look at each other.
"That's easy!" said MC, driving the Warthog up to the old man.
"Stop. Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see"
"Ask away!" said MC
"What... is your name?"
"Master Chief, SPARTAN 117, John"
"What... is your quest?"
"To kick Covenant ass!"
"What... is the air-speed velocity of a Banhsee?"
"What do you mean? Halo or Halo 2?"
"I don't known that!.. AAARGH!" yelled the old man, falling into the pit of Dispair.
"How do you known so much about Banshees?" asked Johnson.
(Picking up Gunner) "You have to known these things when you're the Master Chief" said the Master Chief. The MC and Co. continued forth on their quest.
MC and Co. exited the tunnel and reached the first LifeTug that conveniently landed next to ANOTHER POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY.
"There are marines hiding on that hill" informed Cortana.
"Nooo, you'd think!" said MC.
The MC and Co. battled they're way through the level, until they reached a crashed LifeTug by a cliff.
"Hmm...there's no bodies. They must've left the area" Said the Gunner.
BITCHSLAP!
"Overstating the obvious is MY job..."
"Yes, ma'am" said the Gunner.
The MC and Co. moved off and found YET ANOTHER POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY. The MC and Co. liberated the POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY of Covenant forces. Then the Marines and Technicians that been hiding under the POINTLESS STRUCTURE THAT FIRES POINTLESS BLUE BEAMS INTO THE SKY, came up and surrounded the Chief.
"All right, everybody into the Pelican" ordered Chief. Just then a severally wounded Grunt came round a corner. Two seconds later, all the Marines and Technicians, apart from Johnson, lay dead.
"Crap" said MC, getting into Pelican 419, after pwning the Grunt. Pelican 419 flies away.
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