Title: Memento Mori
Author: Ysrith

Rating: PG
Genre: Gen, Angst, Implied character death
Pairings: Lee/Kara friendship. Insight into Lee from Kara POV
Summary: Kara is left to pick up the pieces when Lee is left behind.

Spoilers: Set post-season 1. Some speculation for what might happen. Written pre the current batch of spoilers, so nothing actually based on fact.
Disclaimer: All this belongs to Ron Moore. I am just playing in his sandbox.

Many thanks to my betas, Ancarett, Viper8547 and especially Hockeyvaughnfan, who has had to put with multiple rewrites and has vast patience!

Memento Mori

Kara found the old wooden box, down the side of the bed. She lifted it out of its hiding place. Lee had taken it everywhere with him. He once joked that it was his good luck charm. She had often wondered what was in it, but he had never let her look. She'd known Lee Adama long enough to realise when she was pushing things too far, and had taken the hint that whatever was in that box was off-limits. Hands trembling, she lifted the lid, and then hesitated.

It felt wrong to be going through his things, but someone had to do it. She sighed. Finally, after all these years, she would get to see what was in his precious box. There were a few knick-knacks, amongst them a tiny plastic viper and a tarnished coin. She had no idea what they meant. Next were some old photos. She took them out and lay them on the bed to have a better look.

Most were family shots, slightly battered with age. Two young boys standing with their father before an old Mark II; Lee and Zac standing on a beach; Lee with his mother on the day of his graduation from War College. And, for some reason, a picture of a sunset and another of Caprica taken from space.

Underneath them, at the bottom, was a small white envelope. Curious, she opened it and was stunned to find a picture of herself and Lee. They were laughing, arms around each other. She stared at it for a few minutes, trying to figure out where it was from, and then she remembered.

It was back shortly after they had first meet. They had been wandering through the market square in Caprica City, one bright spring morning, arguing as usual, when an old couple had stopped Lee and asked him if he minded taking a photo of them. They were up from the country for the day for their anniversary. It was one of those old-fashioned cameras that printed out the shot there and then.

Lee had happily obliged them, and in return, the old man had insisted on taking a photo of the two of them. Such a lovely young couple, he had called them. Kara had laughed hysterically at the mistake, while Lee had just smiled. But they had indulged the older couple, posing for the camera, while giggling. At the time, Kara had teased Lee that she would use the photo as blackmail when he was getting too obnoxious. She had forgotten about that morning until now. It felt like another lifetime ago.

She touched Lee's face in the photo. His smile was broad. She could not remember the last time she had seen him smile like that. Not since Zac had died at least. He had a beautiful smile, and now she would never see it again. Struggling with tears, she placed the photo on the bed.

After Zac's death, she had kept all his photos. Her memories of what they had been together. There were only a handful, but it was enough. She only had the one photo with Lee in it. Suddenly that did not seem right, did not seem enough. She stared at the picture again. She had never even known he had kept it.

She looked back in the box and spotted the small brown notebook at the bottom. She picked it up. Lee had never struck her as the sort to keep a diary. The tattered cover was held on by sticky tape. Carefully, she opened it up. Inside on the first page were written two words.

"Olympic Carrier."

She flicked through the pages. There were names, listed one after the other, followed by age, place of birth and the date of their death, and call-sign. It was everyone who had died under his command on the Galactica. Her colleagues, her friends. Those who died in battle and those who had died in that stupid accident on the flight deck. The crew the Cylons had killed and those who had died on Kobol.

It was a list of Galactica's dead, and every name carried a comment, a written testament to what they had been through in the last few months. She was stunned. She knew Lee took things to heart. Hell, she teased him enough about it, but she had had no idea that he had been affected this much, by what was happening.

Picking the notebook up again, she kept reading through it, until she came to the last page. It had been written only three days before. One of the Nuggets had been killed in a Cylon strike. She was only a kid, but she had shown promise. Even Kara had to admit the farm-girl could fly, but the Cylons had taken her before she ever got a chance to blossom. Lee had been her wing-man that day. Angry at the loss of the younger woman, Kara looked for someone to blame and as always Lee was an easy target. She had stormed over to his Viper, but when he turned towards her, Kara had seen something in his eyes that had made her stop. Something dark and sad, and she hesitated.

"Don't Kara!"

His voice was low and soft. He had turned and walked away from her. It was the last time he had spoken to her. She closed her eyes as raw pain and grief flooded through her. He was gone. It still did not seem real. She closed her eyes and tried to block the memories out.

The rest of the fleet had already jumped. Kara had landed on the flight deck and watched as the other Vipers came in, as around her Tyrol's crew prepared for the FTL jump. She had just assumed that everyone had made it back okay. After the jump was completed, she was busy with the engine of the Viper, but the silence on the flight deck had made her look up. It was never quiet. She knew something was wrong. Tyrol stood glaring at her and beside him Cally was crying. Hotdog sat on the floor, staring at the ground. She did not even have to ask, she just knew.

Lee had not made it back.

It was stupid and senseless and should not have occurred. Ever the CAG, Lee had waited for his pilots to land safely before coming in himself. Later, after talking to Dee, Kara learned what had happened. A stray shot clipping his Viper had sent him out of control, spinning away from Galactica. Unable to restart his engines, he couldn't make it back in time. If the Galactica stayed for him, the chances were the Cylon Basestars would have destroyed her. They had no choice. They had to jump.

Or at least that's what Kara kept telling herself. But when she closed her eyes, she could see him alone in his Viper, and no matter what way she tried to twist it, they had left him behind.

She still couldn't face the Old Man. It was Tigh who came and informed her that she was being promoted to CAG. She had stared at him for a few seconds, and then laughed hysterically. They really were well and truely fracked this time.

There was no funeral. To do so would admit he was really dead. For the moment he was just missing in action. Dead, missing, what difference did it make? He was still gone. But the Old Man would not admit it, and so it was Kara, not his father, who sat on Lee's bed, staring numbly at a handful of scattered photos.

It was all that was left of him. The story of his life in a few old pictures. A young boy who, once upon a time, worshiped his father. The brother he loved and protected as they grew up. The mother who loved him and was proud of him. But the pictures didn't tell the true story, did they?

Her hand touched their photo again.

Why had he kept it?

She shook her head. She had never really understood Lee. It wasn't easy, not like Zac. Lee may have looked like his mom, but he was his father's son. Everything kept deep within, hidden, reserved. She had known him many years and still he managed to surprise her. The photo, the book of names. Frack!

Everything had changed since Kobol.

Lee never said a thing to her when she had returned. He never mentioned her leaving, just looked at her sadly. And for a brief moment, she had seen inside, disappointment, sorrow, and something else, dark and lonely.

Lee buried himself in the job, juggling his position as CAG with running the gauntlet between his father and the President. It was obvious to everyone he was exhausted and on egde, but most of the crew cut him some slack, ignoring him when occasionally he snapped at them. Even Tyrol hovered over him, and would not let Kara say anything against him. Lee had held them together after Kobol, had paid for it in blood, but he was one of Galactica's own now.

Kara slipped back into old ways. Angry at Lee's silence, confused and hurt, she buried herself in flying and fracking. It wasn't hard to find a willing companion. So now when they spoke it was strictly as CAG and Pilot. She could not remember the last time she had spoken to him as a friend. It was only a few months since they had danced on Cloud Nine, but it seemed like an eternity.

Her hand shaking she reached down and opened the copy book. There was one last thing she could do. She turned to the last entry, and finding a pen, wrote the date and underneath his name.

Lee Adama, 31, Caprica.
Apollo

And then she stopped.

What was there to say? It could not be enough. How do you summarise a life in one line? What do you say?

That he was a hero, that he was a friend, that he was more...the lost chance, the love that never was. At least with Zac she had been given that chance to love, as brief as it was. But Lee...

She would never get to tell him that he was her best friend, never get to tell him she cared for him. She would never look into his eyes and whisper his name in passion, or hold him in her arms and tell him that she loved him.

The Gods were cruel. How could they do this to her twice?

Tears slipped down her cheeks, and Kara sat there on the bed, rocking back and forth, sobbing, lost in her grief.

Later, exhausted and spent, the tears finally stopped and Kara wrote the words she had never told him. She closed the notebook and placed it back in the box with the photos, all apart from one. The box and its contents she would give to his father, but that photo she would keep.

A memory and a smile frozen in time.