20 letters of Pain

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Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Just having some twisted fun.

Summary: This is a fic including 20 letters that Itachi and Sasuke have sent each other. 10 will be Itachi, 10 will be Sasuke. It'll be 10 chapters long. One chapter has a letter from each. Do you dig it? I know ... nodody digs anything anymore ... oh well.

Warning: This one has a little yaoi, which means guy-on-guy love, it's actually kinda cute. Sometimes in a brotherly way, sometimes in a wrong way. If you don't like dude-on-dude relationships, then run away, far away, 'cause I love 'em! Also, this chapter contains Itachi with a sick mind. You have been warned. And, hoorah, he gets portrayed as a crazy old pedophile! Yay for sexual predators!

Sasuke woke up. Yes, that's right, avengers do, in fact, sleep, instead of spending their night plotting plans about how to kill a certain older sibling of theirs. Only, instead of counting sheep, they count dead Itachis to help them fall asleep.

Sasuke was interupted by what he thought was an annoying fangirl, but was actually Naruto.

"Sasuke! Sasuke! You got a letter from your brother!" Naruto exclaimed.

"How did you get my mail?" Sasuke asked him.

"Oh ... well I was bored so I followed the mailman. He put your mail outside your door and I looked through it for fun." he explained.

Sasuke whacked him across the head.

"Ow!What was that for?!" Naruto asked as he gingerly rubbed the spot Sasuke had hit.

"You don't go through people's mail, you dunce!" Sasuke scolded as he flopped in an armchair and ripped open his letter.

Sasuke,

Hi.

Get this straight:

#1: I never pedophiled your midget freind.

#2: It's not my fault you have no sense of humour.

#3: That Sakura girl sounds interesting ... do you happen to have her digits? (Kidding. See, I have a sense of humour.)

#4: Next time she asks you that, tell her, "He's so strong and so handsome ... I love him so much that I might consider letting him off the hook about the whole 'killing the entire clan' thing so he can come back to the village and help me reimberse the clan."(snickers)

#5: Weak, eh? ... Maybe I should prey on her ... (heh)

#6: My hair's about the same length. Maybe a little longer ... Why do you wanna know?

#7: Naruto ... you mean the Kyuubi brat. He probably does have ADHD.

#8: Are you sure you don't enjoy your time with Naruto? Because, if you want to abandon the dream of reviving the clan, I can always take over.

#9: The point of this letter is to entertain me with your opinion on life. My main form of entertainment is reading your diary that I ninjaed off you last week.

#10: I know this is fun. I'm brilliant for thinking it up.

Now to my issues to discuss.

My major question is, I've been reading the manga, and what was with that kiss in volume one? Also, how come you heroically saved Naruto in volume 2? Why do you shoot down all the girls who like you? When you guys trained in the wave country, you know, the running up trees excercise, I think you enjoyed it when Naruto leaned on your shoulder for support when you both came in tired. All sweaty and panting ... I'll bet you savoured that moment in hopes that Naruto would appear like that again some day, but for completely different reasons, you creepy little pervert. Why did you save Naruto's life in volume 3? I guess you could say, my question is, would you happen to be gay with Naruto? Answer me, because then I'll have to be the one to reimberse the clan. The entire clan. Once you fail at killing me and die yourself, I'll move back into the village and you'll see a lot of little Itachis running around the village, if you know what I mean. It'll be a lot of hard work, but I think I might just manage.

Man, I'm getting a kick out of this letter.

Anyways, I gotta go assassinate some random guy who might have looked at Orochimaru this morning.

Bye,

Itachi.

PS: You like men. Admit it now. You. Are. GAY! My foolish, homosexual, little brother ... you even wrote about it in your diary.

Naruto looked at him with a questioning look as Sasuke's face contorted into a few different emotions (Yes, emotions! Sasuke actually does have them!) as he read the letter. Especially the PS.

He stood up, a maniacal smirk on his face, as he walked over to his desk and began scribbling out words on a pad of paper. With a sigh of satisfaction, he turned on his laptop and began to type out his letter to his dearest older brother, Naruto watching him all the way, confused as ever.

"I thought you hated Itachi?" Naruto asked his dark-haired rival.

"I do. I'm just trying to figure out what he's up to and why he wrote to me." Sasuke lied. Truly, he had been kind of relieved to hear from his brother.

Naruto snickered. "A likely story. You miss your dear older brother." He sneered.

Sasuke looked up, sporting the trademark Uchiha glare. "I hate him."

"No you don't! You lo-ove him!" Naruto broke into a fit of high-pitched, queer-sounding giggles.

Sasuke belted him across the back of the head.

"Oh! If you didn't miss your brother, you wouldn't care what I said! You wouldn't argue! You wouldn't care! In fact, this is the first time I've ever seen you so worked up! You must really miss him." Naruto cackled, pointing an accusing finger at Sasuke, who swatted it away angrily..

"Do you really want me to kick your ass?" Sasuke asked. "Maybe Itachi was right about you ..." He muttered, hopefully quiet enough for Naruto to not hear.

"Hah! You're talking about him now!" Naruto giggled.

Sasuke froze with the realization that he had said that loud enough for Naruto to hear.

"Am not!" He argued.

"Sure." Naruto said sarcastically. "And you're just the most honest ninja in existance."

"You better believe I am, you dunce! You're probably astounded by the pure honest vibes that drift on and around me!"

"What is this? The Uchiha Sasuke just made a joke?"

Sasuke ignored him and stomped out the door, only to be followed by the cackling blonde, who continued to crack jokes at him as he walked.

Sasuke trooped down to the mailbox in the main center of town, walking in his usual way, earning him some admiring glances from groups of ninja, the majority of them female. The only male being Orochimaru, who had disguised himself as a jounin of the village in order to track Sasuke's progress.

"You must sincerely miss him. I've never seen you willingly write to someone before. You must not be able to spell." Naruto sneered simply.

The vein on Sasuke's forehead expanded with irritation as Naruto cringed under his glare. Sasuke shoved his letter hastily in the mailbox, then stomped back to his house.

Naruto continued along behind him, until Sasuke rudely slammed the door in his face. Naruto fell down on Sasuke's front step, sighing.

"Must be that time of the month again." Naruto remarked with a grin.

-

"ITACHI-SAAAAAAAAN GET THE HEART BEFORE IT DISAPPEARS! GET ITTTTT! YOU'RE DOWN TO ONLY THREE QUARTERS OF A HEART!"

"I'm not going to get the heart, Kisame."

"GET IT! GET IT! GRRRREAT, ITACHI-SAN, IT DISAPPEARED! NOW WHAT'RE YOU GONNA DO?!"

"There's a Redead right there, Kisame. I'll just turn into a wolf and kill it, and I'll get like three hearts."

"THAT ISN'T A REDEAD ITACHI-SAAAAAAN! IT'S JUST A SKELETON THINGY!"

"Look at it, Kisame. It is a Redead. See, it just screamed at me."

"WELL SOOO WHAT?! THE SCREEN'S DARK AND I DIDN'T SEE IT RIGHT!"

"I'm seeing it from the same angle as you, Kisame. And I saw it fine."

"BUT YOU HAVE THE SHARINGAN!"

"..."

"I WIN!"

"No, actually, I do." Itachi replied, promptly slaying the Redead and collecting the hearts that flew out of it's rotting corpse.

"BUT YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN THE HEART AND HAD EVEN MORE HEALTH!"

"Stop being a backseat gamer, Kisame. I am playing, and I will make the decisions, so shut up."

"DON'T BE SOOO MEAN, ITACHI-SAAAAN!"

"If you were half the Zelda player I am, you'd be out of Faron Woods, and into the Forest Temple, but you're not, so shut up."

"YOU'RE EVIL!"
"I know."

Kisame said no more, crossing his arms and puting childishly. Itachi ignored him, proceeding to play Zelda until he had attained the Spinner, battled through the Arbiter's Grounds, and beaten the skeleton boss dude, collecting heart container and proceeding to Castle Town to talk to Telma.

He had just spoken to Auru, who sent him to Snowpeak, when he sensed chakra outside their house. He quickly saved the game, creeping to the door. Itachi peeked out through a window on the side of the house.

A mailman stood at the door, cautiously knocking on the door. Itachi smirked. This was a new mailman. Any other mailman would've just tossed any mail at the door and high-tailed it as far away from the house as possibly. Ahh, how naive this mailman was.

Itachi crept outside, stealthily approaching the mailman from behind. The mailman took no notice. Itachi got close to the unknowing mailman, pressing his index finger into a spot on the innocent mailman's shoulder. The man's knees gave, and he fell to the ground, unconcious.

Kisame appeared at the door.

"Wow, Itachi-san, that took some serious skillage."

Itachi glared at Kisame. "If you same the word skillage ever, ever again, I shall see to it that you are painfully castrized. Am I clear?"

Kisame cringed. "But Itachi-san, I-"

"No, Kisame. Never. Again."

Kisame nodded sadly, turning around defeatedly and returning to inside the house. Itachi sorted through the mail, picked out his letter, and threw the remaining letters onto the unconcious body of the mailman. He would have killed him, but had nowhere to put the body.

Itachi wandered back in and leaned on a cupboard, tearing open the envelope and beginning to read the letter.

"Letter from Sasuke?" Kisame asked.

"Letter from Sasuke." He agreed.

ITACHI!

I'M NOT GAY!EVEN IF I WAS GAY, I WOULDN'T BE GAY WITH NARUTO! YOU SICK BASTARD!

Now, never, ever have sick, perverted thoughts about any of my teamates ever, ever again.

And, I would never give up my dream and I would never let you take over the dream and there will never be mini Itachis running through the village. They'll be mini Sasukes, dammit! Sasukes! HOW DARE YOU TAKE MY JOURNAL! IT'S NOT A DIARY! IT'S A JOURNAL! GET IT STRAIGHT, ANIKI!

And I didn't write about being gay in my journal!

I HATE YOU SOOO MUCH!

I NEVER KISSED NARUTO! SOME JACKASS STOOD UP BEHIND HIM AND KNOCKED HIM INTO ME!

What's wrong with heroically saving people?I've saved girls too, you know! I shoot down girls because they're freakin' annoying! I so didn't like Naruto leaning on my shoulder! He was all smelly and gross and sweaty ... ew. What would you have done, had you been in that situation, at that time? NO I AM NOT! I VOW TO, AND WILL SUCCEED IN KILLING YOU, ANIKI! I WILL! I AWAIT THE DAY!

Hating you,

Sasuke.

PS: I HAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEE YYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOUUUUU SOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUCCCCCCCHHHH!

"He's lying to himself ..."Itachi muttered inwardly.

With that line said, Kisame assumed Itachi was finished and stared at the letter expectantly.

"Lemme read it!" He demanded.

"No." Itachi stated without hesitation, not taking his blazing red eyes off the sheet of paper.

"But I wanna know what's up with your cute little brother!" Kisame pleaded.

Itachi looked up quickly. "Never say that again or you'll enter the hell known as Tsukiyomi." Itachi threatened, eye twitching.

"Okay, okay." Kisame pouted, then remembered a point in time when Itachi had called Sasuke cute. "I thought you said he was cute too?"

"He is." Itachi replied. "Besides, Kisame, you haven't even seen him before."

"Why can't I call him cute?" Kisame asked sourly.

"You're 23." Itachi pointed out.

"You're 17." Kisame argued. "You're almost as bad. Plus, you're his brother, you twisted incestive pedophile."

"But, I think he's cute in a brotherly way. You think he's cute in a wrong, perverted way. And if you, of all people, call me a pedophile again, you'll wish you'd never sullied this earth." Itachi growled.

"Itachi-san! You're so mean!"

"Go die in a hole."

"Itachi-san!"

"Leave me to my letter."

"No! I wanna read it!"

"You're not going to read it, Kisame. I'm going to burn it after I read it again, just like I did the first one."

"..."

"There's a class of school children out in the woods on a field trip today, Kisame. Go show them the meaning of fear ... and I might help you with Zelda."

"Fine." Kisame huffed, reassured only by the promise of free food and the possibility of progress in Zelda.

"Freakin' pedophile ..." Itachi mumbled, whilst ignoring the high-pitched screaming from outdoors as reread the letter, burning it as he had done the first.

TBC ...

Hey everyone! This is the reeditted chapter two! The Twilight Princess referance is a small celebration to me for recently conquering the entity known as the Arbiter's Grounds. And the absolutely killed Ganondorf in this one. Xx Andways, sorry about my spelling, but I don't have spell check, and I don't really give a damn at this point. You all seem to be enjoying it enough, no matter how bad I apparently spell.

--IncestiveNekoYaoiBoysxx