okay, I'm going to put the author's note at the bottom this time!

Disclaimer: don't own them!

Abby was white as a ghost on the sheets, and everything was so clinical, from the monotonous beep of the heart monitor which should have been reassuring, to the ivory and cream of the walls and the floor. The sun was just starting to rise, when Susan entered the ICU room. She thought back to medical school and remembered hearing something about how natural sunlight helped critically ill patients recover, hopefully it would do the same thing for Abby.

Abby had come out of surgery hours earlier, but Susan was only just now allowed into the room to see her. The sight of her, despite Susan's years in the ER, and thick armor she had developed in dealing with human tragedy and human hurt, stole her breath. Abby was intubated, a ventilator forcing air into her lungs, while Abby offered not even an attempt at drawing a breath on her own. Multiple IV's hung from various locations, all delivering life saving medicine into Abby's body. Susan didn't need to look at the IV bags to know what they were, she could already knew.

"Hi Abby," she whispered as she grabbed the empty seat, and pulled it over to Abby's bedside before sitting down. "I don't know if you can hear me or not... I mean, we always tell the families of our patients that... you know. You know what I mean, and that's why you've got to stay here Abby. We need you around here. Hell, I need you around here." she paused, trying to find the words. "Abby, when you first left, the ER fell apart, and it stayed apart for three weeks, until we heard you were safe, on your way back. For the first time in a long time the staff could focus, and suddenly there were smiles. None of us knew exactly how you'd be, but you were still breathing, you were alive. We couldn't wait to see you, everyone had been prepared for the worst, but we were still praying for you, that you'd be back. Even when the feds told us there wasn't hope, even when common sense agreed with them, we couldn't give up on you. Jake, Carter, everyone had decided that no matter what, the moment you were back, we'd watch out for you, wouldn't let you out of our sights. We tried to laugh, we knew how much you would resent it, but God Abby, we need you here." another pause, and Susan brought her hand up to wipe away the tears. "Abby, I know we're sometimes hard on you. You never get the credit you deserve, but you're the best damned doctor we've got now. Luka's impulsive, you need to level him out, and someone's got to keep Carter in line, show up the other residents, maybe make me look like something other than a complete failure as a leader. You've been through tough shit, but you're Abby. You will pull through this. You have to. I need you to. You know we need you here. Even when you were a nurse, an OB nurse at that, you had a way with the people around here. You can keep your head, and you can deal with people, the patients, their families, us. That's rare. Just don't leave us now. Not like this. You can't go like this. So you're going to wake up, you're going to open your eyes and prove them all wrong, prove the surgeons and the cops, and everyone who thought you wouldn't pull through that you are stronger than that. And we'll find you a shrink, or a guru, or whatever it takes to help you get better, and you're never going to scare us like that again. You're going to find some great guy, a great guy like Jake. Someone who makes Carter look like a bump and Luka a chump, and you're going to be happy, and you're going to grow old, and you're going to be fine."

Susan squeezed Abby's hand, then released it, and just sat there for a moment or two, just praying in the silence, not in words, just ideas. Abby would be fine, Abby had to be fine. Abby was always fine. It was her lot in life to at least be fine. No matter how crappy things were. Abby would be okay, perfectly fine and normal, just give it a bit of time. Susan reached out to Abby's face, to brush away a stray bit of her brown hair, and as she did so, the heat of her friend's face shot through her hand. Abby was roasting. God. She was too hot. Way too hot. Immediately the doctor in Susan began taking over trying to figure out what had happened. It was painfully obvious. Septic shock. It made perfect sense. GSW to the abdomen, perforated intestines. Her sudden onset of fever, the way her body was shaking, not as in Abby was seizing, but shaking as in she was cold. Yet she had many blankets piled on top of her. Susan's gaze left Abby and onto one of the many monitors attached to her, recording every single beat of her heart. Her heart was beating, true, but beating way to fast. "Shit," Susan muttered to herself as Abby's heart rate continued to increase. It was right at about 112 now. Not good. Very not good. Very specifically, bad. Abby was in for a long haul. If she made it. And if she was in septic shock, her chances of survival had just drastically declined. Not good at all.

"Can I get a nurse in here?" Susan called into the hallway, not knowing if they were aware of the fever. Susan pressed her hand against Abby's cheek, from the feel of her face, Abby's temperature must have soared up passed 104. Give it time and she would be roasting.

"Abby, don't do this to me. No, come on, just... I don't know... Think cold thoughts," Susan mumbled franticly, wondering why the nurse was taking so long. "Just... hold on. I'll only be a minute," she promised her comatose friend as she left the room to go to the nurses' station and drag someone in there.

"Hey, one of you, all of you, someone who actually bothers to... Look. The patient in room 603, I'm pretty sure she's septic. Someone maybe want to try checking in on your patients considering this specific one is currently comatose and running a high fever," Susan was livid, if any of her nurses ignored a critical patient in her department, Susan would murder them.

"Ma'am, please calm down, we know what we're doing."

"No, I won't calm down. When was the last time one of you took her temperature?"

"Who's the patient?" one of them asked, not bothering to look up from a chart.

"I just told you, maybe if you would have been paying attention you might have caught that! Abby Lockhart, do you know who she is? Or do I need to describe her current condition so that somebody will get off their ass and go and check on her!" Susan practically screamed at the nurse.

"Look miss, just stop making a fuss before we have to call security," the head nurse said in a soothing but firm tone. When Susan's tirade continued, she was about to pick up the phone to follow through on her threat, but another nurse piped up.

"That's Dr. Lewis. ER chief, you probably shouldn't... um..."

"Look, all I'm asking of you, is for somebody to please to just go in and check on Abby. She's hot, she's running a fever. If I have to, I will run down to the ER, bring one of my nurses up, and we will treat her until Dr.Dubenko gets here." the head nurse seemed to suddenly understand what Susan was telling them, and nodded her head before standing up and walking around the desk, to grab the thermometer and headed back to Abby's room.

"Page Dr. Dubenko now," the nurse ordered, and her coworker instantly complied, picking up the phone and dialing the now familiar number.

"Hey Abby, hold on we're going to help you," Susan took her hand as the nurse stuck the thermometer in Abby's ear and waited for the telltale beep. It seemed to take forever before the nurse pulled it out to read the digital display.

"104.3" she said, knowing that if they had been watching Abby more carefully, they might have been able to catch it before her fever got so high.

"Riley?" both Susan and the nurse, who Susan now knew as Riley turned around to see yet another nurse standing in the doorway. "Dr. Dubenko is in surgery, he said he'll be down as soon as he can,"

"Thanks June, can you bring several cool wash clothes please," Riley asked as she stripped the blankets from Abby, throwing them on the floor. It did not escape her how wet they were, Abby had soaked through them, and her hospital gown. She began thinking, how long had it acutally been since somebody had checked on Abby?

"Here Riley," June walked back in and together the two nurses covered Abby's body with multiple rags. "There ya go honey," Susan heard Riley say to Abby, as she wiped the sweat from Abby's forehead. Riley knew Abby's story, she knew how much she was loved at County, and the guilt she was feeling for letting Abby's fever go unnoticed for God knew how long, was playing on her conscious. Riley wasn't Abby's nurse, that was Jesse, but Riley was the charge nurse, she was ultimately reasonable for the nurses on her shift. Jesse would be hearing from her shortly.

Susan had turned her attention back to Abby, when suddenly the monitors started sounding, indicating something was terribly wrong. Her heart rate had shot up in the 150's. Her blood pressure was way to low, 60/40 to be exact.

"Abby.." Susan whispered, waiting for what she was certain would come next. "Not yet," she pleaded, keeping her eyes on the monitors. She heard Riley call for something, but didn't know what, she was to busy concentrating on Abby.

More nurses came flooding in, doing their jobs. But one nurse in particular caught Susan's eye, she was wheeling in the crash cart. "Just in case," Susan said to herself, trying to stay calm.

" Would someone get her some damned Tylenol before her brain fries!" Susan's eyes were blazing with a combination of fear, fury and determination. She didn't know what to do, well she did, after all she was a doctor, but she wasn't sure if anything happened to Abby, if she could keep her head level. However, if Dubenko wasn't there to do his job, she would, "And we need to get her BP up. STAT. " Nurses were everywhere, skittering from place to place, following barked orders and administering powerful medications, including more bags of saline, D5W, and of course, more blood. Doing anything they could to get Abby stable.

Then came the sound everyone in the room had been dreading to hear, Abby's heart had stopped, she was leaving them, and leaving them fast.

"She's in V Fib," one of the nurses called out, and the crash cart was suddenly at Susan's side.

"Shit, paddles," she said, then accepted the devices, "charge to two hundred, CLEAR." Susan squeezed her eyes shut as she saw Abby's tiny body jump from the gurney.

"Nothing."

" Come on Abby, two fifty." all hands went up in the air, as another powerful surge of electricity surged through Abby's body.

"Maybe... no." Riley spoke.

"Three hundred." She once again applied the paddles to her friends' chest, hoping beyond hope that she could do her job. That she could get Abby back.

"We've got a rhythm. Pulse. Wait, no. Lost it." Hope was fading fast, but everyone kept going. June was pounding on Abby's chest, as more and more drugs were being pumped into her.

"Damn it Abby! Go again," Susan had tears in her eyes, she was losing her best friend.

Just then, Dr. Dubenko rushed in. It took a second for him to fully realize what was happening. He took in the scene momentarily before jumping in.

"What the, Dr. Lewis, step back from the patient." the patient, he had said it that way, only to disconnect himself, to distance himself from Abby.

"Dr. Dubenko, I'm just a little busy here, she said urgently, "Charge to three hundred again. Abby don't do this, not now!"

"Step away Dr. Lewis. This is my patient, and I will treat her." Dubenko had walked over to the side of the bed, had even taken over compressions. He was going to bring Abby back, the other was just not an option right then.

"CLEAR," Susan said again, and once more shocked her friend, watching the quick convulsion, then, without waiting to hear if the effort had restored Abby's heartbeat, she turned to face Dr. Dubenko, looked him in the eyes, handed him the paddles and walked out.

Dubenko took over immediately, having not been briefed on Abby's current condition. He had received an urgent page while in surgery to come to Abby's room, and that was it. He had handed the case over to another surgeon as soon as he could, and quickly scrubbed out, before running to Abby's room. "What the hell happened?" he asked, watching the monitors.

"She spiked a fever, 104.3, BP was 60/40," Riley rattled off.

"Septic shock" he immediately concluded, "lets go three fifty. Clear," this time Dubenko pressed the paddles to her chest never noticing Susan watching the scene unfold through the window.

She stood at the window, watching through blinds someone had forgotten to close. They shocked Abby again and again, sometimes there was a pulse for a moment, only to slip back into V fib, other times, she flat lined for a moment and her heart returned to its frenzied attempt at a beat. She could not bear to see this, but she could not bear to look away and know that she might miss that last moment. Or that small miracle. She couldn't work on Abby any more, Susan knew what was bound to happen. They would not get Abby back it was as simple as that. They couldn't fight for a life, when the person didn't want their life to be saved. Suddenly, she couldn't watch anymore, couldn't witness Abby's death. She collapsed onto the ground, her back into the wall, her head in her hands, she couldn't bear it anymore. Somehow she managed to tune out the horrible sound emitting from the heart monitor.

"Lockhart don't do this," Dubenko pleaded, racking his brain trying to figure out what else he could do, anything to get her heart started again. "How long has she been down?" he asked, not looking up from Abby. He knew he had done everything possible for her, that if Abby didn't want to fight with them, there was no point in trying to bring her back.

There was an eerie silence, nobody wanted to answer the question, for they all knew Abby had been down far to long.

"How long has she been down dammit?" he shouted so loud, that the nurses not in the room, heard him and nearly jumped twenty feet in the air.

"Thirty-five minutes," said Riley.

Dubenko just stood there, not knowing what to do. He had the paddles in his hands, they were charged, ready to send more electricity through Abby's body. Yet they had yet to restart her heart, June was still pounding on her chest, as the monitors recorded no heartbeat. He knew, the fight was over.

"Stop," he ordered not caring if he sounded rude. Dubenko shook his head, looked down at Abby's still face, then blankly at the air in front of him. He hated loosing patients, it felt like such a failure, and such a waste. It was worse when it was someone he knew. Then he made what he considered the hardest move he had made in his career. He put the paddles down on their base.

"Time of death, 16:33," then took her chart from her bed, and signed his name. Setting the chart down, he stepped up and grabbed the sheet and gently pulled it up past Abby's shoulders and over her face. He took a deep breath and turning around, he looked up to see the nurses all still in the room, tears apparent in their eyes. Abby was not just like every other patient, she had been their friend, this was going to take a long time to get through. He reached up and turned off all the monitors, the noise to much for him right then.

"Dr. Lewis?" he asked Riley, wondering where Susan had gone.

"I believe she is out in the hallway. Do you want us to.." she left it open, Dubenko would know she was asking if she should prepare the body. No longer Abby, but the body, the phrase sent shivers through Riley's spine.

"No, I'll take care of her," he said before nodding his thank you to the nurses and walking out of the room, looking for Susan.

He found her a few rooms down, head in her hands, sitting on the floor. He collected his nerves before approaching her.

"Susan," he began. Immediately her head shot up, Dubenko could tell she had been crying. "Susan," he didn't know what to say, couldn't form the words, couldn't speak them. "I'm sorry," he had expected her to shout out at him, to yell at the nurses, to do something, but all he got was a small nod. All Dubenko could conclude was that Susan had known, she had known the moment she had handed them the paddles. She had literally put her friends life in his hands, but at the same time she hadn't. Abby had died, even before Dubenko had pronounced it, and her best friend had known it.

"Can I?" she whispered, standing up.

"Go ahead, take as long as you want." he paused. "Dr; Lewis, would you like me to inform your staff?"

Susan stopped and thought about it. Yes, she desperately wanted him to do it, that would be the easy way out. But it was her staff, her family, Abby's family. She had to be the one to inform them of their friend's death, no matter how hard it was. "No, I'll do it," and then she disappeared into Abby's room, leaving the surgeon by himself. He stood there for a minute or two, before turning and promptly punching his fist into the wall.

Susan let the tears fall as she walked over to Abby's bedside. It disturbed her to see the sheet over her face, it was final, death was so final, the sheet only added to that feeling. Susan reached over, and pulled back the sheet, revealing Abby's pale face. The tube still down her throat, the tube Abby had practically begged Kerry not to insert. The last words she ever spoke. She reached over, and grabbed it before, pulling the plastic out, and throwing it to the ground.

She took Abby's hand again, knowing this time that the veins inside it held stagnant blood. That the spirit which had, for so long, inhabited this shell and been her friend, had fled.

"I don't know why I'm talking this time," Susan said honestly, blinking back tears, "because I know you can't hear me now, but God, you've got to be somewhere. I refuse to believe you're just gone." She took a deep breath, then continued, "I hope you tried. I hope you fought as hard as you could, but I know you aren't hurting now. I know that at least, that's gone. You're.. you're free, you're truly safe now. I, I don't know how I can do this. I'm going to have to watch them bury you, I don't know how I'm going to do that, but I know that I have to. And I don't know how I'm going to be able to face this place again knowing you died here, but I know I'm not the only one who lost someone within these walls, and I know that life goes on, but right now, I'm not sure how. I'm not the only one who's going to miss you, you do know that. Luka will probably flip out, Carter... I don't know how he'll react, but I know you two were close. All the nurses will miss you. Maybe we can convince Haleh to sing. All the other interns, they really looked up to you, you'd seen it all before, done it all before. I know the ER will keep running, but it's never going to be the same. Every day when I walk in, I expect to see Mark around some corner, and it's been years. I'm going to look for you too, wonder why your name isn't on the board, why your lunch isn't molding in the back of the fridge, why your locker is being used by someone else. And then it's going to hit me. Like a ton of bricks. And then I'll grit my teeth and go on. And I'll try to have your compassion with patients, like I've tried to have Mark's way with the staff. Maybe I'll manage, and maybe I'll be a better doctor for it, but even if it does, it won't be worth it. You've saved so many people, and you've done a lot of thankless work, but you've always been there to do it, been willing to do it. You're a healer Abby, and most of us can't say that. I'm getting angry at you. It kills me to admit it, because I know I have no right, but I miss you, and you've only been gone... God I can't... No. This isn't fair. This sucks every way you look at it. You aren't suffering any more, but the fact of the matter is that you shouldn't have been suffering to begin with. I want to kill the bastard that hurt you, that made you this miserable. It's not just a matter of anger, I want him to hurt as badly as he hurt you, but there's more to it, I want to make sure that when he dies, he knows exactly why. I want to make him as afraid as you must have been, and I know that this isn't what you would want, you'd want us to move on and grow as people, but you know what, I'm human and I can hate, and I hate him. And I want you back, and nothing I can do will bring you back. And I hate myself because there's not a damned thing any of us could do for you while you were with us, and there's not a damned thing we can do now that you're not. So you tell me, what do we do now? I know you cant speak, and asking you to send me a sign is just plain lunacy, but wherever you are, just here this, you will be missed, and you will be remembered, and everyone here, if they have half a brain, will know how fucking lucky they were to know you." Susan stopped when she realized that the tears she had been fighting so hard to restrain had left her cheeks shining under the harsh lights of the hospital, after wiping them away, she clenched her jaw for a moment, and realized it was time to finish what she had started to say, "Abby, thank you, for being here, for being among us and putting up with us, and for gracing us with your presence, and I mean that in the least sarcastic way. You have given more than we could ever think to ask for, and more than we ever had a right to expect. We will always think of you, and miss you, and just know that you have touched this place. I'm trying to... I'm wondering how I'm going to tell them. Everyone down at the ER, and some of your old friends up in OB, and I guess everyone else will hear it from them. I don't know what to say. When Mark passed, we all went out and got smashed, but I don't think that would be the most appropriate way to say goodbye. So I guess I just go balls out and tell them, be frank like you always were. They're big kids, they can handle the truth I think." her tears were splashing onto Abby's cold hand, the IV still attached, still deleivering drugs. "Good bye Abby, and thank you for everything." she gave Abby's hand one more tight squeeze, before grabbing the sheet and covering Abby's face once more. It was hard to walk out of that room, but somehow Susan forced her legs to move, heading towards the elevator.

The ride was endless, she still had fresh tears streaming down her face. She looked at her watch, her goodbye to Abby had nearly lasted an hour, the last hour she would ever spend with her best friend. There would be no more girls night out, no more ice cream and coffee to gossip or de-stress from the pressures of being ER doctors, there simply would be no more Abby. The elevator came to a stop and Susan wiped the remaining tears from her cheeks with the sleeve of her white lab coat.

The ER was abnormally empty, a few patients here and there, but nothing major. It was if, whoever the higher being was, had deliberately made sure Susan could tell her staff, without interruption, of their friends passing.

"Dr. Lewis, we've been looking...are you okay?" Chuny instantly knew something was wrong, upon seeing how red Susan's eyes were. She knew Susan had been with Abby, but that was it.

"Chunny, can you please gather all of the staff, tell them to meet me in the lounge, I need to speak with them now," the nurse nodded and headed off, as Susan walked towards the lounge. Once inside, she instantly gravitated to Abby's locker, and leaned against it.

It took a good ten minutes for everyone to finally arrive, but they did.

"I just want everyone to know," no sense beating around the bush, how many different ways could you tell people that their friend had died. "Abby passed away about an hour ago," a large gasp was heard, nothing unexpected. "She became septic, her heart stopped, we tried everything, but Abby didn't want it, she didn't want to be here anymore." Susan looked up to see her staff. Luka had Sam wrapped in her arms, Carter was as white as a sheet, Ray had his head to the lockers, Pratt had stormed out of the room. Everyone seemed to be in a state of shock, the ER had once again experienced the loss of a family member. "Where's Jake?" Susan asked realizing that he was no longer in the room.

"He ran out," Luka offered. She nodded and left, searching for Jake.

She found him on the roof, sitting there, staring up at the sky, tears on his face.

"Jake," she started, taking a seat next to him, putting her arm around his shoulders. She looked down on the floor, a newspaper had caught her attention.

"Don't," he shrugged her arm off and stood, "Nothing you can say will justify this, Abby's dead Susan, what else can anyone do?" and with that he left her. Her gaze drifted down to the newspaper, the headline, a picture of Martin Richards, the man Susan Lewis now considered to be Abby Lockhart's murderer.

AN- Alright, that's it for now! Time for more diabetes camp, if I get a chance I might consider writing more for this one, but it's not lookin to good right now! Thanks for everyone's reviews! Olivia, you know what I'm thinking about this chapter...thank you!