A/N: SORRY!!! I'M SO SORRY/glomps fan-base/ Please don't hate me…
Roy Mustang was never one to believe in time machines or bends in the space-time continuum that could transport him back to a time spent long ago. He never took thrill in reading those type of books. Mystery novels and the occasional military or alchemy reference book were all that lined his shelves at home and in office. No--he could not even dwell on the possibility that such a wonder could exist.
He had theories.
It would disrupt the balance of life and death, cause them to merge, to separate entirely. Make it so life was impossible and death never happen, making aging go backward instead of forward. Perhaps that was why whatever higher being decided to create the universe planted a toned down version of a time travel device in every mortal. In the minds of child and adult alike.
Black eyes closed to the painful world, slowly ebbing from it. Until, that is, a voice called to him in worry.
"Col.? What're ya doing," Jean asked gently, blowing a stream of blue smoke from his nose.
"Activating my time-machine," Roy explained, his eyes remaining closed.
Though he couldn't see it, Roy could hear Jean take a slow drag of his joint. The burn of smoke drifted back over his nostrils moments later.
"You've gone mental on me, haven't you?" Another drag--He must be stressed, this is his fifth cigarette since he's been here…--and blew the smoke from his mouth in a lazy fog."Hate to break it to you, but there's no big alien thing in here that's gonna take you back a year or so."
"I know that," his retort was slightly irritant, but he continued on despite the slight grumble he heard from Havoc. "I don't need a machine, exactly. No one does if you think about it--we're all born with something to send us back; kind of like we're all born with a part of the Gate of Truth within us."
Jean twisted the blunt of his joint on the windowsill, smothering the embers with brick before flicking it outside. "Explain."
"It's our memory."
"Our memory…? Oh!" He reached into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, noticed it was empty, crumpled it up and tossed it out the window with a slight frown. "You mean it like, since we can just go back and remember, it's just like going back in time?"
"Without complicated machinery and manuals."
Jean nodded, "Then travel. I have to go anyway. I'll visit you later."
Roy was already back to a year earlier than that, back when Ed still remembered him loved him.
He hadn't heard Jean at all.
The smell of burning cedar clung in the air, thick as if a blanket of it was draped over his face. It almost choked him.
He unconsciously rubbed his middle finger and thumb together. No friction, no spark. A sigh of relief brushed past his lips--this was not his doing.
A boy stood at his side, to the left, wearing a frown that could make the Gods quake. It merely made him smile, he would never fear the boy's lips. Frowning or smirking.
"Gahh!" The boy kicked a chunk of blackened stone into a nearby jut of rock. Once it collided, it broke into too many pieces to count. Roy quirked an elegant eyebrow; for any normal man, that kick would have broken bones. Then again, Ed wasn't a normal boy.
"There's no need for that, Fullmetal. The building has burnt down, there's nothing we can do to change that." His eyes scanned over the small house that once stood there and sighed. Bring on the paperwork and coffee--thank God no one died.
The blonde huffed, clearly pissed that the arsonist had passed by him once again. Roy couldn't help but smirk at him. He found his determination adorable.
Adorable?
The smirk fell from his lips as Ed turned to face him, cheeks huffed and chest swelled with pending rage.
"Yeah, well, fuck it. That stupid bastard's just pissing out gasoline and throwing matches to get his high off on fire. You'd think it'd be easier to find someone, even after he sent in warning notes." Ed scoffed, kicking another rock. This one hit what remained of a wall; it crumpled like it was made of mud and not stone.
He sighed once more as he ran an ungloved hand through his onyx locks. "Please don't be so loud…And stop causing more damage to the already damaged property. I've got enough paperwork to complete without you adding more to the growing workload."
Ed just smirked. "You won't do it until last minute anyway, Col. Procrastinator."
Roy rolled his eyes, turning on his heel as he started to walk back to HQ. Ed followed him, grinning as if the triumph with his alone. Little did Edward know, though, was that Roy had let him win.
It took less then ten minutes to get back to Central HQ, and another three before they were back in his office. But, due to the heat and the overwhelming scorch of his lungs from ash, it felt much longer.
The fact that twin golden suns bore in his back didn't help either.
He suddenly felt itchy, like someone had stitched the inside of his uniform with thistle, or poured some joke store itching power on him. He was also fearing his hair looked a terrible mess from when he had ran his hand through it. Yet, he didn't know why. Was he trying to impress someone? The only other one in the room was Edward. And Roy had looked far worse than this in his presence.
Edward plopped down onto the Col.'s couch, crossing flesh leg over auto-mail. "What're you lookin' at?"
He was staring at him?
He cast his eyes aside, but he remained standing where he was. After shoving both of his hands into his pockets, Roy went to the window and asked his reflection. "You want something to drink while you're here?"
"Nah. I'm not thirsty. Thanks though."
Roy nodded, suddenly feeling awkward.
He had been in the same room with Edward countless times before. Sometimes it was just the two of them, other times his subordinates were there and other times still Alphonse would stand beside his brother in silent thought. Why was it now that he had to have such twisted and rather inappropriate thoughts containing the boy?
He reasoned long ago that his fondness for Edward was beyond what it should be, and would even dare to call in love. Even though the years had dulled his sense of the word.
And that's were his dismay came from. Despite knowing his feelings true, he had no idea how to confess them. He didn't even know if it would be a wise thing to do. After all, if Edward refused, he could easily throw a whole bunch of lawsuits at him with a flick of his pretty wrist.
Possibility wise, Roy doubted that Ed even liked him in the same way. He was a boy who hadn't lived quite fully yet. Roy, on the other hand, had seen his fair share of the world and already he wanted it to end. Roy was old, Ed was young--the negative points of his logic kept building.
He stared hard out the window, thinking about all his possibilities.
So far, he had only three.
1) He could confess and pray nothing ill came from it.
2) He could wait until Ed came to him with a confession of his own.
3) He could just move on to someone else.
He sighed, fisting his hands in his pockets. He liked none of those options.
Suddenly, his back arched--there was a hand pressed to the curve of his spine. Obsidian eyes turned to look at the reflection of shining metal in the window. And his own face in surprise. What was--?
"Col….Why are you so quiet?" His voice was soft, like the words were meant for Al. Even his touch was gentle - it was making Roy feel guilty, this side of Edward wasn't meant for him. No matter how much he craved it.
So, he spun around quickly, catching Ed's wrist in his hand before he had the chance to snatch it away. He was sure his eyes glinted with ice, instead of their usual warmth, but he couldn't change that.
Edward didn't seem to notice, or he really didn't care.
"I've seen the way you look at me. I've noticed the way you grow all fidgety around me too." A slow grin spread across his face. "What would the military think if they found out you get all hot and bothered over a teenager? Not to mention the fact I'm in the military too - do you know how many laws and morals you'd break by just touching me?"
Yes, actually. Which is why I've done nothing but sit around and pray for your safety…make sure you remained alive while being under my command.
Still, he didn't like the way the words clung to the air. He already knew of all the circumstances…yet, hearing them aloud was like a blow to the chest - a knife twisting steadily in his stomach.
Edward smiled still as he pulled his hand from the Colonel's grasp. "I could destroy you, you'know…" He spoken that too quietly to be a threat…It seemed as if he was feeling pity for him.
Roy blinked. Still, he said nothing in defense.
"So why?" Golden eyes glared at him in a way he understood as in concern and not in rage. Roy could see the poorly hidden flame of worry flicking in their depths.
"Why, what?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about!" His voice broke, Roy found himself frowning at him. Did he care that much…?
Chewing the inside of his cheek, Roy tried to think of the unasked question. Why do I love him? I can't remember when I fully understood it to be love…was it ever anything less? Have I always been in love with him?
His head hurt. His heart hurt. His stomach hurt.
His happiness; his job; perhaps his life. He couldn't fuck this one up. He couldn't if he wanted to survive.
"Well," Ed snapped, growing impatient. Any other moment Roy would've chuckled at such a childish display - right now though, he probably would've puked if he attempted it.
A sigh passed his lips as he pressed back against the window, he could feel the cold glass against his back. It was a comforting contrast to the heated atmosphere of the room.
"…Why do I love you…? Simple, really." That was a lie, but no matter. "I just do."
"That's not good enough! Why would you even risk falling in love with me?!"
"Because," he said softly, giving Ed a faint smile, "that's what love is. You cannot control it, you can only just ride it out, see where it takes you. If being in love with you makes me lose my job, my good name in the entire country, or even my freedom, so be it! I don't give a damn. All I care about is you."
Edward stared at him blankly; Roy continued on.
"When you're in love, you sacrifice any and everything for that person. It doesn't matter the circumstances that threaten the relationship, if there's true commitment in your heart, you'll find that you could careless about what happens to you. You only worry for the safety of the one you cherish so much."
"But you could be killed!"
Roy snorted. "So? I've been in worse situations where my life clearly lay in the palms of some other person's hands. And I'm still standing here today."
"A simple kidnapping and hostage scenario is completely different then what we're talking about right now--"
"Is it? I think not."
Edward grit his teeth, grinding them slowly. "Yeah, yeah. Don't give me this 'your loved one's always try to save you' lecture shit. I don't care if they do tie in together - just drop it."
"You're the one who brought it up," he said smoothly, keeping his eyes on Edward. The latter twitched in anger.
"SHUT UP! I know that I did! I just…I mean….GAH!"
"Flustered?"
"Shut up!" Golden eyes narrowed. "I want you to stop it….I want you to stop loving me before something happens to you. I don't want you freaking death or fall from grace resting on my already burdened shoulders."
There was a moment of silence that passed between them. Yet, as always, it never lasted long.
"Wait," Roy spoke suddenly, the realization dawning on him, "are you worried about me?"
Unmistakably, a pink blush swept over Edward's cheeks. His eyes narrowed even more, the glint of them losing much of their pervious harshness.
"N-no! Don't think that I would even care if you just fell off the face of the Earth! You just misinterpreting my concern over my own well-being for your well-being."
Roy reached out for him, grabbing gently onto his arm. The blonde blanched, the sudden color gone as fast as it came.
"Do you love me? Edward?"
He shook his head as he tried to pull his arm away. "L-let go of me…or I'll scream pedophile."
"Will you really? Or is that just a half-assed threat?"
Edward didn't say anything back. Instead he stood as still as a doll, his eyes like glass as they peered off into space. Roy's heart would've leapt for joy, for the sheer possibility, but he knew it would do no good. The chances were so slim…And Ed could just start screaming right now and send him into a shit-load of trouble.
The Colonel sighed inwardly. He dared to think that something right was going to happen in his life for just a split second, and this is what happened afterwards.
Mental note - never get optimistic again. Never.
Sure, Edward could scream right now, cause an uproar and eventually get Roy thrown into jail. But, he doubted the boy would do that. There was something wrong with the way he was acting. If Ed really was going to send him off to his death, he would've done it a lot sooner.
Even though the chance was slim, Roy decided to give a sudden idea a shot at the open and silent air.
"Would you try it?"
Blonde brows knitted in temporary confusion. "Try…what? A relationship with you?" He shook his head, and Roy wasn't surprised in the least. "I can't….I don't want you to get hurt by all this. It'll just cause a mess for you…"
"I see."
Silence. God, how he hated the silence. You never knew what lie in wait - something deadly, that craved blood and angst or perhaps something good was lounging in it, counting the moments until it would burst forth merrily to make everything alright.
By how everything was going, Roy was looking forward to seeing the first of those. A beast was sure to be hidden somewhere - and he could sense it had an appetite for his heart.
Unless….Wait.
Roy blinked, then blinked again as he drew Edward a step closer. "Wait a minute. I've asked you once before, but I'll try it again. For the hell of it. Do you love me, Edward?"
"Goddamnit! Yes! I love you! Now will you please get over this? I really don't want you to get--"
But, he was unable to finish his statement. Roy had pulled him closer while he spoke, and now, after the words finally left his throat, he had kissed him.
Why?
I don't remember…
What did I do to make him try to commit suicide?
…
…
…
Except…
Wait a minute…that…that wasn't how it happened…
Oh Jesus…I've made you wait half-a-year for this (and then some more time thanks to me stupidity: for details seek the A/N at the bottom of chapter 12) ….At least I made it long!!
-hides-
Damnit…I'm sorry…I kinda just felt so blah about this story and couldn't find the Muse I needed to write it. But, luckily for you, after two weeks and many, many frappuccinos, I've found it!
Apparently, my Muse loves coffee. Who knew?
Anyway, I won't promise anything for the next chapter.
No, I don't know what's going to happen next (or do I?).
No, I don't know when I'll update. (Perhaps after I write the next chapter to Lapse, my HP fanfic?)
No, I really dunno if Roy and Ed will ever get back together. (Hm…that's a lie, they totally will.)
And, finally, no, I don't know why I said this was gonna end five chapters ago. Guess I was bored of it or something. Meh, whatever. -smile-
Anywho, I hope you enjoyed it, review, all the other stuff I usually put at the end of a chapter. Love you! And remember:
Wash your socks.
-shrug- Ancient wisdom doesn't have to make sense.
I'm just ranting now..
Hopefully, I will see you soon. My love goes out to you, those who are my loyal and patient fans! -glomps loyal fan-base-
Ele.