A/N: this, my friends, is a oneshot which takes place in the same universe as Rozefire's AU Dead Famous. It is the telling of a particular night in DF!Inuyasha's life, pre-Dead Famous timeline, which inspires a running gag about him being shot at a gay bar. This oneshot contains spoilers for chapter 22 of Dead Famous.

Anyway, I wrote this as a birthday present for Rozefire a few months ago, but only now is it being made public. Rozefire herself fully endorses this fic:

"I absolutely LOVED 'Near'! It totally cracked me up and I'm still having fun rereading it again and again. I practically demand that you post it to ff dot net! XD It would seem a shame that I was the only person getting to read such a sick and twisted piece.

"'Near' was very much how I imagined that night, so thank you for writing it so spendidly! I was really honoured."

Now, it took me forever and a day to finally post it here, but there were reasons behind that, and that no longer matters. It's here. Enjoy. And I love reviews; feel free to shower me with them. Oh, and I don't own Inuyasha, nor did I own Dead Famous. Those would be Rumiko Takahashi and Rozefire, respectively.

- - -

Thin grey curls of smoke escaped from his nostrils and between his lips as he pulled the cigarette away and tipped his head back, the vile fog enshrouding him for a moment before it dissipated. The man beside him coughed, and there was the scrape of a stool against the gritty floor.

Inuyasha suppressed a smug grin as the disgruntled bar guest stood up and left. Good riddance, he thought to himself. The guy had probably been sneaking looks at him, no doubt trying to figure out if he really was Inuyasha. He came across that type all the time, and right now he wasn't about to affirm his identity to random strangers.

Inuyasha shut his eyes and draped an arm along the worn, wooden counter, careful to avoid his half full glass of Asahi.

It was a good night so far, one of few hassles and annoyances. Most of the female patrons – and holy hell were there a lot of them, which he found odd – were leaving him alone rather than flocking to him like bees to honey. The somewhat shady looking barkeep hadn't even given his sinfully authentic looking fake ID more than a cursory glance before giving a head toss and asking him, what was his poison?

He drummed his fingers on the counter, claws tapping, and inhaled another drag of his cig, blasting the nasty smoke out his nose and squinting as he turned and surveyed his surroundings. The place was trendy, stylishly modern, and mostly clean but a little on the grungy side. It was also nearly crawling with the type of patrons who couldn't get into a higher class Shinjuku nightclub if they were the entertainment.

There was a party he could be at instead, but right now he wasn't up for being around people he knew. As of late, everything and everyone were driving him batshit insane, especially those in the villa.

Kikyo had gone on another one of her annoying charity and organisation sponsorship crusades for the sake of his public image. Miroku had been on his case yet again about his smoking habit, to the point where he nearly gave the man a pay cut. Sango had done… several things to jeopardise her job security. Threatening to fuck his hair up was only the mildest of them.

And then there were all those teeny tiny irritations that would accumulate over the course of days and weeks.

He needed to escape, even if just for a few hours. Even if it meant sneaking out yet again.

Inuyasha stared at the tiny glowing bud in his hand, becoming lost in his thoughts.

It would be so easy to jam it into his wrist. To grind it in, hard and deep, and feel his skin burn. To leave a black, searing mark and watch the smoke rise–

He jerked in place, nearly dropping his cig. That was random. Where the fuck had that come from?

He frowned and lifted the filter end to his lips. Besides, why waste a perfectly good cig?

He finished it off soon and downed the rest of his beer, quickly flagging the barkeep to order a refill. He downed that one too and leaned against the counter to watch people, eager to let his head settle. The smoke and the alcohol were finally starting to get to him.

His roaming gaze quickly fell on two attractive women slow dancing to some ridiculous J-pop ballad off in a far corner, and there it stayed once he realised, with deep-seated interest, that they were kissing. The corners of his mouth quirked upward into a smile. This must be his lucky night. Usually he only saw this kind of stuff on the porn channels or at parties where the girls were plastered enough.

That was when he spotted her on the dance floor off to the left of the kissing girls. Moderate build, pretty face, legs to die for, designer clothing tastes, and most definitely his type. He couldn't keep his eyes off her.

A companion for the night suddenly sounded very, very enticing.

Inuyasha slid off his stool and slapped a two thousand yen note onto the counter before making a beeline for the dancing beauty. The sea of dancing bodies parted for him easily. The song playing in the background ended and segued into something he didn't recognize, and Inuyasha was pleased to find he had little difficulty in distracting his target and pulling her aside.

He quickly put on his charmer's face and its matching personality, then pulled his line. "Have we met?" It was old, but for most people it worked more often than not. She smiled and shook her head no, but kept her eyes intimately trained on him.

Inuyasha, however, wasn't most people. No matter the line, it was a winner every time.

"They friends of yours?" he asked, giving a sly glance toward the two girls nearby. They were still kissing and slow grinding, and now it looked like some serious tongue was getting involved.

His target giggled – not that he could hear it over the music – and shrugged, looking over at them, and leaned a little closer to him. He leaned in a bit as well, asking, "Would you like to sit down for a minute, or keep this to the dance floor?"

She shrugged again. She was awfully quiet, he noted, definitely not one for words. And that was when he felt a hellishly firm grip around his bicep. She winked, and Inuyasha flashed his player smile. This chick was definitely one for action instead.

"How about we get… better acquainted with each other?"

Within seconds she was pulling him away from the dance floor and toward the front entrance of the bar, looking back at him a couple times, her eyes lighting up.

Inuyasha grinned as he followed; he had definitely said the magic words.

When they reached the pavement he took the lead and pulled her around the corner, leading her into an alley. The night sky was poorly lit by sporadic street lamps, and little light reached their shadowed hiding spot.

Inuyasha firmly held her against the wall of the alley, his hands on her upper arms, and she wasted no time getting her lips 'acquainted' with his. She was more aggressive than he expected. Most girls became puddles before he could get started. This one was way ahead of him, doing more of the work than he was. Her open mouthed kisses, one after another, left no room for argument… and instantly lit his nerves afire, sending his brain down the crapper.

Not only did she know how to kiss, he thought as he took a much needed gasp for air before closing the distance once again, but the amazing things she did to his tongue were awakening other parts of his body. It was also the first time he'd made out with someone with a pierced tongue. It made him wonder what else she could do with that barbell.

Throughout the hardcore, mind melting kisses they were sharing, Inuyasha somehow managed to loosen his fierce grip on her arm to bring his hand down to the hem of her knee-length skirt. She hooked one leg around his waist but didn't press closer. Now that he had better access he began stroking her firmly toned thigh.

By now Inuyasha was certain he was getting laid tonight.

One hand cupped the back of his head, pulling him into a deeper, almost ravenous kiss. He reached his hand farther up her thigh and broke away to ask softly, "You really want me, don't you?" She made a dreamy sigh and kissed him back with a giggle. "You ever wondered what a superstar's bedroom looks like?"

A medium pitched mm-hmm answered him, and Inuyasha caught her lips again, mentally checking off all the ways he'd have to–

And then he felt something in his hand that should not be there.

The shock hit him like a tank of ice water.

"You have a dick!" he choked out, tearing away from her – no, it – like he'd been contaminated, shrinking back in revulsion but certain to keep his back straight and rigid. He was the shorter one here.

"Oh please, I tuck!"

Inuyasha's face shriveled in horror at the very haughty, very masculine tone. He stepped back. "You're a guy!" Now he had the sudden urge to wipe his mouth. He'd been making out with a–

"So?" The guy in drag laughed. "Have a problem?"

"I thought you were a woman!"

"Real women don't look this pretty," the drag queen retorted and instantly received a glare for it. "And what did you expect?"

Inuyasha balled his fists. "I'm not gay!"

"You sure about that?"

"YES!"

Then what were you doing in a gay bar?" the drag queen asked wryly with a grin.

Inuyasha was about to retort when the drag queen's words finally sunk in. So that was why people had given him odd looks. And why there hadn't been a single girl chasing after him. And why a couple guys had whistled at him and there were those girls making out on the floor and–

Just how many of those so-called 'females' he'd seen in there were female, anyway?

Inuyasha glared. "I thought it was an ordinary bar!"

"Well that's too bad, 'cause you kiss a lot better than most guys." The queen smacked his lips and blew him a kiss.

That was it. He was getting out of there. "Don't you dare expect a thank you for the compliment." Inuyasha wagged a menacing finger at him, though to little effect, and turned to leave. "And I'll sue you if word gets out about this! I'll find you!"

The queen hollered something at him, but Inuyasha tuned out whatever it was. Then he shut his eyes and groaned. The queen was following him. He started jogging faster. When the alley opened up to the pavement he stopped and sent a look heavenward and sighed. If that queen continued pestering him, someone was going to get hurt.

"Hey, you!"

Turning in the direction of the shout, Inuyasha felt something bite into his shoulder at the sound of a gunshot from across the street. Intense pain shot through him and he shouted a few choice words. He staggered for a moment, and then his knees went out from under him like jelly.

He barely got a glimpse of the shooter, someone in dark clothes and sunglasses, before he met the concrete, his vision blurring as he struggled in vain to hold himself off the ground. His head swam as warmth began seeping down his shirt, as if he was losing strength along with the blood.

By this time the drag queen had picked up his pace, reaching the 'superstar in distress' just as he collapsed to the ground and struggled to keep from voicing his pain too much. The queen touched his shoulder lightly, staring wide-eyed for a moment and cursing before standing and rushing away from him, toward the bar.

Inuyasha was in the middle of cursing his remaining brain cells in a groggy tone when he heard lots of stomping and shouting. It was growing closer. He lifted his head up and blearily took in the sight before him…

An army of drag queens was coming to his rescue.

Inuyasha did the last thing he ever thought he'd do. He fainted.

He woke up to what sounded like his agent, Kikyo, arguing with someone. He groaned, the loudness making his head hurt. Opening his eyes and glancing around, he found himself in a hospital bed. He blinked a few times, the light hurting his eyes. Then he saw he was in a hospital gown and hooked up to several machines.

Kikyo must have heard him, for she turned away from some hospital staff member, a nurse maybe, and looked straight at him. Her glare had a razor edge. Oh shit.

"What in the bloody hell were you thinking-"

Inuyasha shut his eyes and tried to block out the ranting that followed.

This had to be the most embarrassing day of his life. Then he paused to think. Well, there was that one time he belched just as he was about to give that blonde starlet a kiss at the People's Choice Awards a couple years ago…

Kikyo's little tirade broke off abruptly while he was in mid thought. Opening his eyes, he glanced toward the door just in time to see the drag queen standing in the doorway. Kikyo was handing him a wad of cash, a concerned look on her face as she thanked him, asked him to confirm something about a yakuza with bad aim, and requested that he not go within a hundred meters of Inuyasha ever again.

The drag queen caught Inuyasha staring and smiled, giving a small wave and a wink before turning to leave.

Yes, Inuyasha told himself as his blood ran cold. This was decidedly the most embarrassing day of his life.

Inuyasha threw the bloodstained shirt and jeans onto the bonfire on the deserted beach. His boxers and socks soon followed. He circled the fire, muttering something about wanting to scour his skin clean and wash his mouth out with mouthwash. Lots and lots of mouthwash.

A muffled snicker met his ears from behind, and he turned to see Sango desperately trying to keep a straight face. The hard stare he sent her gave her the initiative to work harder at it.

Inuyasha could scarcely believe how much of a hassle it had been to make the hospital return his ruined garments, all bloody and sliced up from paramedics' scissors, but an unmarked envelope, a quite fat one, had been enough to convince them. In tatters or not, he still reserved every right to dispose of them himself. Which was what he was doing.

"You done yet?"

"No," he grated without looking back at Miroku.

He couldn't believe all three of them demanded to be present. Miroku, Sango, and Kikyo. Like they honestly thought he would sneak off two nights in a row.

Though, now that he thought about it, he had done that once about two years earlier, just to throw them off.

Still, why couldn't they have more faith in him?

Inuyasha shuddered as an unwanted visual of the drag queen popped into his head. He could have sworn she was a real female…

He turned and eyed the two women suspiciously, silently prompting them to ask him what his problem was.

"You cannot possibly imagine the level of trauma our dear boy is going through," Miroku chided.

"And you can?" said Sango. Inuyasha glared at the both of them. Miroku smiled and turned away, bringing a hand up to his face.

Inuyasha was about to tell him he'd better wipe that grin off his face when Kikyo cleared her throat. "I'll be inside my office. These two are to escort you back when you're done with your little…" She seemed to stumble on her words for a moment. "…ritual." He rolled his eyes. She gave him a thin lipped smile and turned to leave.

"So, Inuyasha," Sango ventured, "what were you doing at a gay bar?"

Kikyo paused in mid step, and Inuyasha flinched, whirling around to snap, "Near a gay bar! NEAR!"

Neither employee was able to suppress a few snickers, making Inuyasha crack his knuckles and advance toward them, unable to decide which to take out first.

Right then and there, as his anger soared and his eyes darkened, he silently swore the next time he went out he'd put the moves on the first real girl he saw.

A muffled snort sounded from behind him, followed by Kikyo saying, "B-by the way, Inuyasha…"

She paused to cover up another laugh. Inuyasha fumed and faced her again, finding her having a difficult time keeping her face placid. She continued before he could get in a word. "I think it's about time we boosted your publicity again."

"Are you insane?" He couldn't believe his ears. He threw an arm in the opposite direction of the ocean. "Like I need to boost my bloody damn publicity with this – the paparazzi had a field day!"

"I meant publicity in a good dose and controlled direction," she corrected. The hanyou crossed his arms and sulked. She tapped a pen on her chin. "Like… I know! Your very own cologne!"

"Whatever." He refused to look at her. Kikyo looked satisfied though, and she started walking toward the villa again, leaving Inuyasha with the other two. After a moment he turned wordlessly toward the fire again and stared into the licking flames.

He wouldn't be satisfied until the fire was a pile of cooling embers. He'd be out here a long time.