Chapter 1: The portal

Elrond grinned happily: the morning had not been wasted after all. Yes 255 of the 256 phone calls had been fruitless, but he had successfully found someone to baby-sit this unruly mob for the weekend. "Children" he called "Please come here". He then dived out of they way of what appeared to be the "children". One found it difficult to tell through the cloud of dust.

The elven lord leapt down from his tree "Um boys, girls and um…" he glanced at the Uruk hai who where clutching dolls in their hands and staring intently at him. Then at the Nazgul who where wearing matching tee-shirts with large numbers printed on them.

Elrond cleared his throat "…. Unnatural beings."

One of the Uruk's started to sniff. Insert pandemonium here. Soon all 24 Uruk's where bawling and Nazgul no. 6 was screaming, because he had just discovered that his dummy was shredded due to his sharp teeth. He crashed into Legolas who began howling at the state of his hair. Aragorn hit him with his sword causing him to howl louder. Gollum began to sneak away when Sam leapt on top of him. While Frodo was trying to remove Sam, he kicked Eomer who drew his sword causing Eowyn to chase after him. Elrond sighed and his face in his hands before deciding that serious action needed to be taken. "SILENCE" he bellowed. All concerned parties froze in the act of biting; crying, sneaking, chasing and screaming to look at Elrond with an innocent 'what me' stare. He took several deep breaths "Children please form…. TWO…. STRAIGHT … lines" he spoke slowly and deliberately, hoping against hope he might get his point through.

There was a brief scuffle and more dust. Elrond covered his eyes, when he opened them before him stood two relatively straight lines. He sighed and surveyed the arrangement before him.

First was Aragorn and Legolas "Opposites attract" Elrond muttered. Behind them was Eowyn staring lovingly at Aragorn and Arwen holding a brick above Eowyn's head. He began to walk down the line. Then came Galadriel staring intently into a cup of water partnered with Faramir, who was staring intently at Eowyn.

Following them was Merry and Pippin, their arms full of mushrooms, which where falling everywhere.

Denethor and Theoden both looking decidedly mad.

Gollum and Smeagol fighting loudly.

Eomer and Boromir actually behaving.

Gandalf and Saruman trying to hit each other over the head with their staffs /sticks.

Frodo and Sam.

Sauron leading his ring, which was tied to a bit of string.

Nine nazgul each leading their fell beast on a chain.

Then at the end the Uruk hai were grouped together. One held a guitar and they where belting a rather off key rendition of, Oh What A Beautiful Morning.

A few paces behind them where Lothwen, Eldarwen and Gilwen, three over excitable elfling girls he was keen to get rid of.

Elrond sighed and led them a few uneventful kilometres to the other side of Rivendell. In front of them was a large swirling portal "Ohhh." went the nazgul "Ahhhhh." went everyone else. The Witchking took charge "Please find your exit buddy." he squealed happily. Elrond paled. The nazgul clutched their fell beasts " Do you have your exit buddy?"

There was a chorus of "Yes".

" No," Elrond croaked. The Witchking grasped his fell beast (fondly referred to as fluffy) and pointed it at the portal "CHARGE" he called out. The nazgul ran towards it with squeals of glee and leapt into the mist happily. "Stop" called Elrond as the last nazgul disappeared.

He turned to the rest of them "Now, we will please exit in an orderly manner with your partner. Legolas, Aragorn, you go first." Legolas daintily walked in followed by Aragorn. Eowyn leapt in after Aragorn. Arwen threw her brick in before jumping in herself. Elrond danced with glee at the thought of getting rid of them for two days.

Galadriel stepped through still looking at her cup.

Faramir was running away from dethore and stumbled through. Merry and Pippin threw their mushroom in- causing Elrond to groan- then leapt through themselves.

Denethor happily threw is oil in, then danced in himself, humming.

Theoden followed muttering to himself, then saw the hole and began slowly backing away. He turned and fled into Rivendell. Elrond sighed "Oh well, one less won't make any difference." Smeagol and Gollum were arguing about entering the fog

"No, no, no precious we must not go in."

"Yes presioussssssss we must."

Elrond sighed dramatically and then threw a fish through the hole. Smeagol/Gollum leapt in after it.

Saruman and Gandalf fought their way up and into the mist.

Frodo came to the door "Now that I'm here I don't think I want to" he said. Sam came up behind him "Not even these elvish cloaks will hide us in there."

Tired of the "will I, won't I" discussion Elrond stepped lightly behind them and pushed the two startled hobbits face forward into the mist.

Then Sauron skipped in, dragging his ring behind him. "Elberth save me." muttered Elrond.

Eomer and Boromir ran forward "Wait for us!" they screamed and kept running right into the portal.

The Uruk hai, now getting the general idea ran headlong into the mist squealing louder then the Nazgul.

Elrond shook his head and stepped through himself. The scene on the other side was quite laughable. Merry and Pippin were studying the Sydney harbour bridge with great interest "How d'ya think it got there Merry?"

"It could have been carried here by migrating eagles"

"But it would be to heavy."

"It could grip it by the curve."

"Pip, it's not a matter of where it grips it. It's a simple matter of weight ratios; a 50-ton bird can not carry a 1000 ton bridge…"

Most of their mushrooms had landed on the Nazgul. Fluffy had developed a liking for them and was licking them off its master. Smeagol was happily chewing on his fish .The Uruk's were stacked on top of one another happily watching a butterfly and the Nazgul where running in circles screaming "Tig tag tog tig tog tag tig..."

Elrond sighed again and called them over to him. They stood before him looking with wide eyes at their surroundings "Come on then it's this way," he said

"42 wallaby way." chanted the Nazgul in delight (note: the Nazgul have a slight Nemo obsession).