Pairings: NaruNeji! KAWAII!

Warnings: More crack, espionage, and secrets.

Author's Notes: Ok! In response to reviews: Yes, I totally took a sharp weapon (such as a machete) and butchered Neji's character. It was fun and I can't say I regret it. Crack is crack. What can I say? The next message is for any possible prudes (no offense, I just don't know what to call you) in the audience. How much sex would bother you guys? Let's do this the democratic way! A POLL!

A. This story should have hot man sex.

B. This story should subtly allude to hot man sex that is happening out of view.

C. This story should be kept clean and cute. Afterwards, we can imagine our own smut.

D. EWW! PLZ! NO GAY KISSES! (Wtf are you doing here? Btw, I've actually recieved reviews like this before.)

You know in multiple choice questions there's always one answer that obviously wrong and you throw out. Anyway! Please pick an answer when you review. There is no wrong answer (except for the one that's wrong). LOL! Wtf am I saying? God, I love coffee. Read and review!

(hands out crack)

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

This Monday morning was greeted with much more excitement than usual. Kiba and Naruto sprang out of bed, eagerly awaiting their meeting with Neji. Kiba had to turn the Hokage over to the Hyuuga for the rest of the week, but he promised him he would do plenty of research in this "Centerfold Neji" conspiracy while he was away. Who knew where else the young, dark-haired man would show up?

They grinned the whole way while walking to the Hokage Building. As expected, Ino was with Neji when they got there. The four exchanged greetings as they walked into the building. When they reached the elevator, Ino and Kiba stayed behind.

The wolf-masked man and Naruto exchanged a long glance. They were on the same wavelength. Kiba chuckled in amusement and winked knowingly at the other man. Even though he was wearing a mask, the gesture was somehow understood by Naruto. He winked back and identical grins spread across their faces. They were grins that said 'We know something you don't know!', or maybe even 'Heeheehee...We saw Neji naked!'

In either case, the somber Hyuuga didn't notice at all. He was far too busy thinking about how his life was going down the drain. Ino took note of their behavior, but was too irritated to do anything other than sigh heavily. Walking over here with Neji had been all too boring and she was ready to bitch to someone about it. When the pair of ANBU left, Naruto pressed the elevator button. He was giddy as a schoolboy, ready to pounce on Neji at any moment.

"So, Neji..." he couldn't stifle the laugh that came as soon as he opened his mouth, "H-How was your weekend?"

"Fine."

"Fine? As in, great! Wonderful? Or fine as in…" The elevator opened and Naruto inwardly cheered when he saw it was empty. He followed Neji as he entered the elevator. "Fine as in…"

"Fine as in…" Naruto was breathing down the Hyuuga's delicate neck. He didn't even have an end to his sentence, he just wanted to touch and kiss the Hyuuga. His lips descended, but only met air.

"Stop that, now."

"What? N-Neji?" Naruto leaned back, stunned and disappointed. "But…"

Neji stood cold as ice. He was not in the mood for this. Normally he would rejoice over Naruto lusting for him, but now was not the time. At the end of the day, his life was already planned out for him. Sleeping with Naruto would only make his predestined agony all the worse.

Naruto cleared his throat, suddenly feeling like a total pervert. However, he completely missed the sadness hovering over his guard. The elevator door opened and he emerged with a grin on his face as if nothing had happened.

"Oi! Nori-chan!"

"Good morning, Hokage-sama!" She giggled, holding a folder in her hand. She spared Neji a glance as a greeting.

"Ahhh! Another Monday! Have you got anything important for me there?" the Hokage pointed at the folder.

"Yes, sir!" she handed over the folder in her hands and reached in her files to give him a few more. "There's some information in there about your next trip. It sounds very exciting! There are a few more miscellaneous files in there as well."

"Ah, thank you," He nodded. "Now…For more important things…how was your…date?"

Nori shied away, and batted hers eyes once or twice. "Oh, Naruto. I don't kiss and tell."

The good-natured start of the morning was carried on as the Hokage walked to his office with a laugh. He seemed to have completely forgotten about how Neji rejected him earlier. The Hyuuga resumed his guard position silently to the side.

"Hmm…" Naruto flipped through his folder. "Wow! This is great! Looks like we'll be going to the Hidden Metal Village!"

Neji opened his mouth as if to say something, but closed it again.

Naruto leaned over and pushed the intercom button. "Nori-chan!"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?" she answered.

"Can I get a donut in here? And some coffee? I need nourishment!"

"Right away." Click.

Over donuts and coffee, Naruto read over the details of the trip. "OK…It seems they have a special request to make from Konoha and Suna. YAY! We'll probably see Gaara then…Let's see…Um, Neji?"

"Yes, Hokage-sama?"

Naruto gave him a long, scrutinizing stare. "Is something wrong? You're so quiet."

"No, sir."

"Kay!" Oblivious to the signs of inner turmoil, Naruto read on, "This is a highly technologically advanced village…They concentrate their power on...economics rather than military might…hmm…"

"Naruto?"

"Yes?" the blonde looked up, noting how the Hyuuga called him by his first name.

"How…how long will we be gone?"

"Good question!" Naruto flipped through the pages. He found the estimated time, but his eyes caught on the folder just beneath the one he was examining. The file read: Hyuuga, Neji. Mental Health Records.

"Uhhhhhhhhh…….." Naruto drew a blank and tried to recover. "It says…..Time for the trip is indefinite. It's one of those things where you stay as long as you need to get the job done. To reach…an agreement."

Neji was silent, but gave a nod. His mind began working slowly to try and think of a solution to get out of his unwanted marriage vows. Naruto, meanwhile, had begun reading the other file. It was from a psychologist. Neji had been visiting a psychologist for two years. The folder was full of paper from each one of his sessions. Messy blue writing by the counselor was scrawled out on each sheet.

Hyuuga Neji

Patient's concerns:

-On missions, complains of receiving injuries that do not exist

-Concerned about an increased amount of anxiety and lack of sleep

-Spends an unhealthy amount of time engaging in abnormal rituals

-Clearly suffers from repressed emotions

Naruto looked up and felt almost as if he was invading Neji's privacy. He blinked and wondered if he should send him out. As if Nori had read his mind, there was a beep on his intercom.

"Sorry to disturb, Hokage-sama, but I need Neji to go down to get a physical."

Neji looked up to Naruto, and Naruto hesitated before pressing the intercom button. "He's all yours, Take care of him, Nori-chan."

"Yes, sir!"

"Bye…Uzumaki-san…" Neji said before leaving the office. Before going on trips, it was necessary to check his guards to make sure they were fit to travel with the Hokage.

Naruto eagerly got back to his reading, this time reading the blue notes and comments. He skimmed and flipped through many pages.

Seems elitist…Very concerned about being stronger than everyone in his family. Hostile at mentions of Hyuuga Traditions.

Harbors many secret (perhaps violent) desires...Does not confide in members of his family.

Naruto was drawn in with every line. Especially the next.

I'd expect a mental breakdown from him at this rate.

Naruto flipped back.

Has an unusual obsession with foxes…Seems to be hiding something very dark…has yet to speak of romantic life and exudes homosexual tendencies. Homosexuality could be a cause of anxiety(?)

Spends 3 hours in the bathroom a day. Mostly washing hair. His list of beauty products is overwhelming. Seems to be trying to be more and more feminine…

Conversation strays to romance and patient once again gets uncomfortable. Never speaks of women without contempt, boredom, or discomfort. Definitely a virgin.

Naruto leaned back in reproach. This psychologist seemed a little cruel. Not only that, but Naruto wondered if all the things written in the file were true.

Breakthrough. Patient has confessed to have a passionate affection for…

"Me…" Naruto sighed.

Very obsessive.

Patient is improving with proscribed medications. Has limited bathing and skincare to one and a half hours a day…Notably less anxious. Very good!

Continued medication encouraged.

"You're looking good, Neji," Sakura said after pulling back her stethoscope.

Neji nodded and stood to get his armor back. Sakura's eyes followed his body. No matter what his inclinations were, Neji was attractive to just about anyone. Neji felt her eyes and tried not to shudder. "So, we're done?"

The door burst open before she could answer. Kiba grinned wildly, "NEJI! You done yet? HUH?"

He wrapped an arm around the man.

"KIBA! YOU CAN'T JUST BURST IN HERE!" Sakura screeched.

"Whatever, Sakura. Neji's my buddy!" Kiba chuckled evilly, thinking of the blackmail material he had on the man. Neji shoved him away roughly.

"What the hell are you doing touching me!" His angry pale eyes frightened the dog-boy. Kiba raised his hands defensively and felt a little hurt.

"Geez, Neige…" Kiba laughed nervously. "Sorry…I didn't mean it like...that…"

Neji sighed and put on his mask. The only man he wanted to touch him was Naruto. "Let's go."

"Naruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuto!" Kiba rushed into his office without knocking. "I'm so fuckin' stoked! Let's go on this trip already! The Hidden Metal Village! I bet it's great! Neji and I are ready!"

"Oh s-shit!" Naruto fumbled with the files in his hands and they dropped to the floor. Neji quickly went to help pick them up and Naruto swatted him away, but not before his eyes caught on a familiar file.

"Hokage-sama?" Neji asked with panic in his voice.

"W-What?"

"You were reading…my…"

"No I wasn't! I wasn't reading anything!" Naruto responded a little too quickly. "I don't know how to read!"

"What the hell are you guys talkin' about…" Kiba walked over to the desk and snatched up the files without asking. It only took one sheet of paper for Kiba to understand. "Ohhh…"

Neji kept quiet since he didn't know what else to do. He was so embarrassed and infuriated at the same time.

"Oh, big friggin' deal!" Kiba tossed the sheet back down. "We like you crazy, Neji!"

Naruto, sensing Neji's rising blood lust, laughed and tried to calm the situation. "Y-YEAH! And besides…you're still not as bad as Kiba! H-He's a pedophile!"

Neji was about to yell at the Hokage for such a feeble attempt at soothing the situation, when the blonde was punched in the face by Kiba.

"GOD DAMMIT, NARUTO! YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER TALK ABOUT THAT!"

He stormed out the door with Neji's astonished eyes following him. Naruto chuckled and rubbed the spot on his cheek that would soon be turning into a bruise. He lifted his face to Neji with a grin. "Ehehehe….see? What'd I tell ya?"

Oh, Kiba. What won't you do?