AN: Wowza! Back again after a bazillion years! ...Yeah, I'm The Rabid Toenail and I didn't write this chapter because I was threatened with the severe beating of my... self. What? So The Great Homicidal Walrus Fairy handled this chapter. W00t. But I'm posting because she doesn't know how to post... bwa ha ha. Please review. And I don't know what number chapter we're on, so pretend that I do. Ha ha. Please review.

Naruto and his ANBU approached a desolate bridge. It appeared to be old and decrepit, not to mention the fact that it covered a terrifying pit that appeared to be bottomless. Despite himself, the leader of the (almost) fearless team was impressed with what he saw.

"Wow! Is that the bridge to the wherever we're supposed to be going?" Naruto asked incredulously. He received nothing but blank, unbelieving stares from his ANBU squad.

"Naruto...aren't you supposed to be the leader of this expedition?" Chouji asked with surprising audacity.

"Yes, yes I am. What of it?"

"He's trying to say that you need to know where we are and what we're doing."

"Really? I thought that was your job, Sasuke! Are you slacking?"

"You know that I don't have the heart to slack off when you tell me to do something, Naru-chan."

"Oh yeah...I forgot about that."

Sasuke and Naruto stood for a moment, giving each other what they thought were crafty bedroom eyes.

And then, out of nowhere, Sai appeared and said, "Eew, that's flippin' gross!" But then, he disappeared and everyone shouted out randomly, "LAWD HAVE MERCY!"

"Well, that was weird. Who was that lady, anyway?" Kiba asked boredly.

"I think...that was a man," Kakashi replied, equally bored.

"No way! Talk about flippin' gross!" Kiba shouted in an outraged voice, almost as if he thought that Sai was sexy and was disappointed to know that he was a guy, even if he was married to one...Which is absolutely ludicrous, just like that sentence.

"I thought he was HAWT," Naruto interjected eagerly.

"Your face," Sasuke mumbled awkwardly.

"Yes, what about it? I thought you liked my face, Sasuke! Have you been cheating on my face with somebody else's face?!

Sasuke stared blankly at Naruto. "Umm...I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Anyway, can we just go to that stupid bridge and get this over with?"

"Yeah, I guess that's a'ight," Naruto shrugged.

Sasuke blanched. "I can't believe you just said that."

"Me neither!" Naruto smiled. "Anyway, let's go."

And off they went. Ho-hum. But as they got closer to the bridge, they saw that there was a gross looking man blocking the way of the bridge. As they got even closer, they saw it was...Orochimaru! Bum bum bum!

Orochimaru smirked at them and began a cheesy rhyme.

"Those who wish to cross this Orochi-bridge

Must have virginity that they can give

To the wicked Orochi-man

That...in the way of the bridge he stands?"

Everyone stared at Orochimaru awkwardly for a few seconds.

"I just made it up. Great, huh?" He smiled triumphantly.

Everyone stared at him again.

"Right. Well, just give me a virgin and be on your way," Orochimaru said, stealthily glancing over toward Sasuke. Naruto instinctively ran to Sasuke and wrapped his arms around him.

"You can't take Sasuke! He's not even a virgin anyway!"

Sasuke put on a surprised face, as if it were news to him.

"Shhh," he whispered harshly, "I'll keep you my dirty little secret."

No one paid any attention to this, as they already knew that Sasuke and Naruto had a...mouth to mouth relationship. Or in this case, a pe...nevermind.

Orochimaru looked genuinely delighted.

"Oh well. Discuss amongst yourselves—I'll give you a topic: I need a virgin so that I can eat him."

"You mean...sexually?"

"No...asexually! HA! Ten points to the Orochi-man!"

Tired of the droll conversation, Kakashi decided that the pace needed to be picked up gingerly and handled with care.

"Hey, aren't you supposed to be asking us questions? You know, and if we get one wrong, you throw us to our pointy, icky, slimy, painful, gross death?"

Orochimaru, who was at this point boredly licking his own eye with his seven day long tongue, looked at them in slight surprise.

"Do a what now?" he asked with a strange Italian accent.

"Ask us questions," Kakashi said again.

"Fine, but I a get to choose-a the order, because I have-a ten-a points-a!" He still had the accent.

"Stop that! What's wrong with you?!" Naruto yelled rather angrily.

"It's-a me, Orochimario! And I'm-a the one asking questions here!"

"I thought he told you to stop that," Sasuke growled.

"Fine. KIBA!! Answer me some questions! Three!"

"Fine," Kiba replied and moved forward.

"So...Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?" Orochimaru asked slyly.

"No, it'll cost you. A lot."

"Fine. Was it as good for you as it was for me?"

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Nevermind. How are you in bed?"

"Ask Shino, my wife," Kiba answered smugly.

"Okay, get away from me and cross the bridge."

Kiba crossed with aplomb, with cheers of 'Huzzah!' from Naruto.

"Okay," Orochimaru continued," CHOUJI! Get your fat ass over here!"

Angrily, Chouji shuffled over.

"Alright. So...how are you today?" Orochimaru had changed his tone so that he sounded like he was talking to a small mentally challenged child.

"I'm fine, thanks," Chouji said as he took a marble out of his pocket and started to eat it.

"No no, Chouji! Don't eat the marble!" Orochimaru gently chided.

"But Mr. Orochi-man, it's covered in chocolate! And it was in my 'Eat Me' pocket!"

"I don't care! I'm not taking you to the hospital in the middle of our questions!"

"Fine," Chouji said weakly as he spit the marble out of his mouth.

"Good boy. Now, do you fancy kosher hotdogs?"

"Yes. No. I don't know!" As he said those words, green slime came from out of nowhere and covered his head. Afterward, he was thrown screaming and slimy two feet down to his unconsciousness.

"So," Orochimaru smiled, "Kakashi is next."

"Yes, no, no," Kakashi said blandly as he walked forward.

"How did you know the questions?!" Orochimaru asked in shock.

"Sharingan magic."

"Fine. Go ahead, butt-face."

As Kakashi crossed the bridge, Orochimaru called out for Naruto to come forth.

"So, Naruto..."

Orochimaru was staring at his midriff. His sexy, sexy midriff.

"Hey, stare at your own midriff, flab-man!" Naruto hissed. Like a snake, only not, because then there would be two of them. On a plane!

Seemingly distracted by the strange insult of 'flab-man', Orochimaru stood silent for a moment. Seeming to regain his composure, he began to ask the questions.

"So, did it hurt?"

"A little, but I think that the pleasure was TOTALLY worth the pain and discomfort at the beginning…" Naruto kept going on and on about it, and Orochimaru had what seemed like the beginnings of one nasty nose bleed when he had finally had enough.

"Alright! I get it! STOP!!!! Pleeeeease! I can't commit those details to memory fast enough!"

Naruto stopped and looked at him questioningly.

"What details? I was talking about how arduous it is to clean Sasuke's bathroom-- he's such a slob! It's so gross, but once it's clean, I'm so proud of myself that it's worth all of the pain I had to endure cleaning it." At this point, Sasuke had begun to imagine himself far, far away…

"Right, right…so, SECOND QUESTION! …How many ninjas does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

"Three! It takes three ninjas to anything. Well, at least three… The more the merrier!"

"Wrong! The answer is one, you sexy idiot! Now…into the pit!"

Orochimaru picked Naruto up with his tongue and threw him into the seemingly deep chasm. He landed on top of Chouji, and since the pit is only two feet deep…He was above ground level.

"Aggghh! Help me! Help me!! I'm dying Sasuke, DYING!!!"

"Naruto, open your eyes, you idiot!"

Heeding Sasuke's words, Naruto opened his eyes and saw Sasuke's feet. They were nice feet—well taken care of and all.

"Hey Sasuke, when did you get down here?"

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Wow Naruto, you're an idiot. Seriously, look."

And look he did. And lo and behold, what did he see? Well, what do you see when you open your eyes on Christmas morning? Dirt, some of Chouji's extra fat, and some Sasuke, that's what. And a little Orochimaru, but let's not spoil the holiday cheer.

"Wow, I'm alive!"

"Really? I didn't notice."

Naruto stuck out his tongue, which is dangerous in the presence of Sasuke and Orochimaru, who both had to hold themselves back.

The silence, which didn't last very long, was broken by Orochimaru.

"Yeah…this is pretty lame. You guys can just pass…I'ma go home to Kabuto. Or as I like to call him, Kabu-poop. Ha! Another ten points to me, the OROCHI-MAN!!!"

Running around in circles with his arms spread open, Orochimaru giggled a little, then ran off in some classified direction to the Hidden Sound, shouting "OROCHI-MAN, AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!" all the while.