... Hopeless Abandon
by Josie
He means a lot to me. It's probably sad, in a way, but it's the honest truth. I know that I would not be where I am without him - my other self, the one who holds the second half of my soul - and that makes him mean so much more than anyone else ever could.
The problem is that I'm not quite sure what to think most of the time. He's a wonderful person in every way, and he's everything that I could never be. That makes him special, precious. Wrong? I suppose, in a way, that it could be. I'm his guardian, his protector; to have these feelings for him could very well be more wrong than anything else that I have ever done, up to and including the times that I would very willingly cause blood to shed in the name of keeping him safe. I never want to see him hurt, and would give anything to keep a smile on his face. The light in his eyes when he is happy is something that could keep me going for eternity.
I wouldn't dare voice these thoughts to him, however. I would worry him, I am sure, if I let him know how I felt; he tries so hard - bless him for that - to give everyone what will make them happiest. He gives whatever he can of himself quite willingly just to ensure that others will not be pained, and so I know that, if I were to let him know just how much he means to me, he would give whatever he could of himself to keep me happy, as well, regardless of his own feelings. That is just how he is.
It's ironic, I suppose. I'm like him, in that way, sacrificing myself for his happiness without even so much as a second thought. It doesn't matter, really, what I want or what I need. I'm just a disembodied spirit, tied to an inanimate - though powerful - object, as I have been for centuries now. I share his body, and he doesn't even mind. Well, most of the time, anyway. It does bother him at times, when the jokes that I make border on relentless teasing or disconcerting inappropriateness.
It's a sign of the ages, however. What is inappropriate now was perfectly commonplace when I lived, I'd wager. I don't remember too well, of course; that's one of my biggest problems and concerns. I don't remember anything from then, and so I can't say with any form of certainty that my thoughts have ever been proper, nor can I say that my idea of justice would be considered natural at any point in history. I just get by on a belief that they were; it's all that I have anymore.
Sometimes, belief and hope are all that we have to enable us to get by. Everything happens for a reason, right? So there must be some reason that I was trapped for so long, with no chance for escape, no ability to see any form of redemption for my nameless crimes. Crimes? I don't know when I began to think that I had been some form of criminal, honestly; I simply know that I did believe it, perhaps too fully. I'm not sure if even knowing that I was a king once changes that belief, for what sort of king ends up in a prison as terrible as that puzzle? Torn into hundreds of pieces, waiting for thousands of years - through torture and helplessness - for someone, anyone to save him; that is not the fate of a king. It couldn't possibly be ...
And yet, it was mine, and, in many ways, it still is. There are times when I fear that this is all some waking dream, my last hold to sanity, and I will awaken to find myself exactly where I had thought myself to have escaped from, chained and broken, bleeding with no salvation in sight. Am I some sort of avenger, here to protect those who cannot save themselves? Was my purpose to be his valiant defender, a knight in shining armor to take away all of the problems of his life? Could I ever be that sort of man? My thoughts border on murderous - I never did have any problems with killing if necessary, even though it would bring the most terrible consequences onto him. But to protect him, I would do anything.
A dark knight, perhaps: the sort that he would never want to associate with, and yet he is so willing to trust without even knowing much about me.
But for all of my adorations, for all of my thoughts of his perfection and purity, I know better than anyone that he's not as innocent as many would take him for. Even before I came into his life, he had seen more than someone his age, in this time, should have ever had to deal with.
He knows pain, and he always has. Perhaps that is where my protectiveness comes from. I know of his past, and have ever since I awoke thanks to his completing of my puzzle. My puzzle? I cannot truly claim ownership, in honesty, when that very Item was my prison; a prison to hold me in for thousands of years, for whatever wrongs that I cannot even remember. And he, the one that I love, became the savior who broke my chains and allowed me to become one with him.
Only to an extent, of course. I'm not one with him in every way, and certainly not in the way that I wish that I could be. But that's alright, really. A guardian, a protector ... that is what I am, and that is all that I should ever remain. I would abandon my own feelings for him if I could, if only to keep him happy for eternity. My joy doesn't - shouldn't - be a factor at all. In the end, I already had my chance at life and fulfillment, and it would be wrong of me to attempt to rob him of his.
So I dote on him in silence, watch him from the shadows, and keep him on my mind at all times. His friends find it strange, the way that I will always steer conversations to revolve around him; Anzu has questioned me about it more than once, demanding answers for my affections. She's concerned about what it might do to him, I know. She always has been worried about his well being. A mother hen of sorts ... at least when it comes to my partner.
The problem is that she knows as well as I do what will happen in the end. I can't get too close; I've always known that I can't. Even before I had any hints about who I may be, and about what it would mean to remember my past, I knew that it was unlikely that I would ever be able to stay with him forever, regardless of how much we might want to remain together. I knew ...
And yet I've never once adhered to following through with what I should do.
See, it's funny. I know when I've done something wrong. It's fairly obvious from the way that my partner will get all quiet and refuse to speak with me. Take, for instance, the time that I was ready to let Kaiba jump off of that tower. He was afraid to trust me after that, because of my arrogance, and I should have allowed him to keep that distance between us. Yet, I couldn't. I wouldn't be able to survive without his voice whispering encouragement to me. I wouldn't be able to survive with his scorn, his hatred. I'm almost ashamed to say that I begged for his forgiveness, begged for him to accept me. I would have given anything for his trust, and I was overjoyed when he gave it back to me so willingly. There are those who would have a field day with the knowledge of that. That thief, for instance.
But my partner is good about it; he's never told anyone about how desperate I was for his approval, and I know that he never will. He's too honorable.
How long can I protect him for, and how much can I protect him from? I would be a fool to say that I will be able to keep everything from harming him. All that I am able to do is come to the forefront when he is in danger; allow him to give control of his body to me, so that I can get him out of whatever bad situation has befallen him. I can deal with our enemies; I can run them off, and bring him to safety, but that is the extent of my protection.
I cannot save him from the pain of loss. He will lose me one day, and we have grown much too close for that to not affect him. My fault. I should never have allowed myself to become this important to him, but I'm afraid that it is too late now. We talk every night - and often during the day, as well. I keep his mind off of his worries by allowing him to just ramble on for hours about whatever is on his mind, and he helps me through my troubles by listening to me go on about them.
Too close; best friends, in every way. I made a grave error by allowing things to progress this far. How could I possibly leave him alone, knowing that I have become an important person to him? Perhaps not as important as he is to me - hopefully not, at least - but still important, nonetheless. A fool of a king; that is all that I am, all that I will ever be. What wrongs have I committed? This would certainly top the list, I know that much.
But I will do what I can. I will keep him from harm as best as I can. That's all that I can do now, and perhaps all that I have ever been able to do. I only fear that it is all that I will ever be able to do. My partner trusts me so very much, and I can only do so little. Every time, I merely let him down, and he trusts me all the more. And why? Because he knows how it would hurt me if he didn't. He cannot allow himself to hurt anyone; it is not in his nature. He is too self-sacrificing, I'm afraid.
The kicker, of course, is that it's my fault. My fault that he's in danger so very often, my fault that his life has been put in danger again and again. They are after me, after my life, and he gets mixed in by default. My partner ... how could I ever ask for forgiveness for this crime that I commit against you every passing moment? This crime that I commit by merely existing so close to you. I'm sorry ... but, even with that, there is no apology that could ever make up for this.
I am the one that will give up everything for him. I am the one that will lose all hope if it would give him the best possible life, with all of the happiness that he could ever wish for. I would give up everything, if only he could smile for eternity. Even my own peace, my own bliss. It is worthless, if he is unhappy. To me, at the very least. To me, the sun rises and sets, simply with him. How strange, these feelings; I could swear that I never felt anything like this before coming to be with him.
All that I am, all that I can ever be, is this wandering spirit, tied to a puzzle and existing through the body of another. It will change one day, perhaps, but that change will tear me from the one that I wish to be with and from all that I have grown close to now. Everything that I hold dear, everyone that I hold dear. And him, my partner. The one that I will protect against everything. The one that I will give up everything for. I would abandon all hope ... and solely exist to keep him safe.
Disclaimer: Yuugiou is the intellectual property of Kazuki Takahashi. I do not claim any right to the series or its characters, and I should probably apologize for the hell I'm likely to be putting them through in this story.