This is a Miss Cam authorized spin-off. All canon characters belong to Jonathan Stroud.

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The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy

Kim Hayes felt an insane grin stretch across her face as she rapidly typed the ending to her first chapter. It was her first shot at a Bartimaeus story, but she intended to show the few but proud authors that had already made their mark on the small section how writing was really done. She dragged her attention back to what she was typing and finished off the chapter with both a flourish and a lot of sharp clicks – she could type pretty quickly, and demonstrated her pride by making as much noise as humanly possible while typing to show others just how fast she was.

Never mind the fact that there was no one to notice her speed in the relative privacy of her room – she was content with the practice.

She twisted a strand of light-brown hair around her finger and smiled at her creation. Three glorious pages of fluff – it was brilliant. Truly brilliant. Especially since her original character was so awesome.

Really. She was. Xiomara was a beautiful girl, half demon and half human, and had all kinds of neat powers. Nathaniel had summoned her by mistake (so what if he had years of training – it was possible!) and had become instantly enamored with her.

But who wouldn't love a gorgeous, powerful, trendy, intelligent girl who just happened to be a very good kisser?

Yes, it was perfect. Kim expected at least fifteen reviews, if not more. This was already her pet project: as soon as she posted this chapter she'd jump on the next one, so she could post quickly and appease the hordes of reviewers that would soon be dying for her updates.

She logged on to the fanfiction site and typed in the password for her account. She was better known by the fanfiction world as PinkRibbons, and already had several stories up, mostly for her favorite T.V. shows. But she had made herself sit down and read through the Bartimaeus books (skimming a few parts…but they probably weren't that important), so she figured she might as well write a story about one of them.

She stretched and went through the necessary process of uploading her story.

Title: "Two Worlds Collide" (classy!)

Genre: Romance/Romance (duh!)

Rating: T, just to be safe! (Who knew what she could decide to put in later on?)

Summary: nathaneil acidentily summons a half-demon grl with all kinds of powers wut will happen when he decides he luvs her but she has a huge secrit that could hurt them both!

Actually, that secret thing just came to her, but hey, it added to the drama. She'd figure it out.

"And add the story," she said aloud, the grin returning to her face. She settled back in her chair and checked out her profile, pleased to see that the story had come up already. It was beauty, all right – she'd have reviews in no time.

In the meanwhile, she started on her next chapter, eager to continue her work of art. Every few minutes she pulled up the window with her profile so she could see the minute she got a review. After about five minutes of this, she got a little impatient.

"What's wrong with these people?" she muttered.

-

In a office cluttered with registration forms, other paperwork, heavy books, and a few (dozen) stray goblin imps, Headmistress Grim was asking herself the same question as she stared mournfully at the computer sitting in front of her on her desk.

She didn't particularly enjoy spending her time watching this kind of garbage spring up on her computer screen, but she found that, as was the case with a particularly disgusting creature or that 'badger, badger, badger' animation, it was hard to look away.

And anyway, she was rounding up a few of these people. She folded a fresh form into an envelope and shifted some papers out of the way so she could reach the button for the intercom.

Almost immediately after she delivered her message, Nathaniel eased the door of her office open, wrinkling his nose at the mess. He stepped gingerly across the cluttered floor.

"You rang?"

"Is anyone free to deliver this?" she waved the envelope in Nathaniel's face. "I found another one."

The young magician sighed and plucked the envelope from her fingers.

"The imp trainer should be able to do it, as most of her charges seem to be in this…cesspit."

"Quiet, you," Grim responded sharply. "I haven't gotten around to straightening things up yet."

"But you'll want to do that before the students get here," Nathaniel told her, maneuvering around the various piles of paper, books and scuffling imps towards the door again. "It won't make quite the intimidating impression you're going for."

"Who's trying to be intimidating?" Never mind the fact that she had spent the majority of yesterday perfecting fourteen different kinds of belittling smirks.

"You were practicing your scowl at dinner."

Grim turned the full force of her now well-honed scowl on the smirking boy.

"Out!"

-

Back in Kim's room, a sudden sizzling sound by her door distracted her from her second chapter. She looked up and blinked, confused by the noise. She looked suspiciously at her computer, but all possibility of the strange sound coming from there vanished when a crackling portal appeared in front of the door.

Kim fell out of her chair, her head banging against the leg of her desk. Swaying slightly, she stared in a sort of confused awe at the portal, and at the large, blurry shape approaching her from within. She scooted back as quickly as she could while shaking her head clear, trying to put some distance between her and the mysterious figure. Before she could get too far, a dark-skinned, irritated-looking woman stepped out of the portal and looked distastefully around Kim's brightly-colored room. In one hand she held a spray bottle, from which came the faint smell of…was that rosemary?

"W-who are you?" Kim squeaked, and woman let an exasperated puff of air escape her lips before saying, "My name is Alima. I am the imp trainer at the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy. It is my duty to inform you that you've been accepted as a student at the aforementioned academy and to give you this."

Here she thrust an absurdly thick envelope at Kim, who took it cautiously.

"Fill it all out, and for Gladstone's sake, delete that assault on my retinas," the woman snapped, nodding her head towards Kim's computer, where her story filled the screen. She strode through the portal, which closed with a sharp crack.

"Friendly," Kim muttered, and shook her head as she opened the envelope. Her jaw dropped at the sight of the form, which had to be at least ten pages long. She frowned at the letter in front.

Miss Hayes,

As you've no doubt been informed, you've been accepted into the Bartimaeus Fanfiction Academy, where you will participate in a number of courses designed to improve your writing. At the present moment your work fails to meet the standards required to obtain a Writer's License from the BFA, and until you obtain this license you will not be permitted to submit any of your work, regardless of the fandom. Please fill out the form below completely and honestly, and you will be brought to the academy first thing in the morning. Please do not attempt to continue writing: the consequences will be most severe.

Sincerely,

Headmistress Grim, Keeper of the BFA

Kim shook her head, but grabbed a pen and began to fill out the form.

Name: Kim

Penname: PinkRibbons

You Prefer To Be Called: Kim

Age: 14

Gender: F

Lust Object: Nathaniel, cuz he's really cute!

Favorite Genre: Fluffy romance!

The list was quite long and had a lot of strange questions, and by the time Kim was finished filling out the form her fingers were cramped and her eyes itched. Tiredly she pushed the completed form back into the envelope, and lay down on her bed, letting her eyes drift shut.

She was asleep before the portal opened again and a disgruntled-looking goblin imp collected the envelope, and in the morning her eyes snapped open and focused on a very unfamiliar ceiling. She looked around and shrieked.

-

Yes, Contrarian beat me to this sort of thing with "The Bartimaeus Fanfiction Tutorial", but I got permission to write this some time ago, before that fic came out (so I'm not taking her idea) and I want to have an OFU (Official Fanfiction University) of my own to command. Those of you who haven't read Camilla Sandman's "The Official Fanfiction University of Middle-earth", which started all this, really should give it a chance; it's the epitome of brilliance.

If you wish to enroll in the BFA (and you don't have to be a bad writer to do so; in fact, most writers in this section are quite talented) copy and paste the form into an email and send it to me. The address can be found in my profile. If you do, you'll pop up at intervals, though I have to warn you that you won't exactly be chummy with any of the characters. DO NOT enroll via review; this is against site rules.

FOR THE SELECT FEW: I have five staff positions up for grabs. The requirements are these: 1) you must be an experienced author, meaning you've written at least one Bartimaeus fic, 2) your stories (which I will be looking at closely) must be original and clever, 3) your grammar and spelling must be better than average, and 4) you must be willing to be brutal to the students. Send me an email listing your qualifications and area of expertise (i.e., developing plotlines, creating OCs, etc.) A brief description of your appearance and personality wouldn't hurt, either. I have the right to deny anyone a staff position.

That's all. If you send me the form, I'll send you an email letting you know if you're in (and I'm not planning on denying admission to anyone, so no worries), and that'll be that. Good luck, all.

Grim