If there is one way to describe the feeling that filled me as I stood there, bear butt naked and in front of my life time enemy—I couldn't think of it. It had something to do with muttering, blushing, shuffling around, and wanting to jump of the top of a building but beyond that I was clueless.

I'm not fond of being put in positions—I tend to avoid them at all costs really but my life doesn't tend to be kind with me.

Tilting my head down I stared at my feet, dread leaking through my blood like ice. Two freaking days and I had more sex then I've ever even thought about during my life. Not that I thought about sex a lot or anything—but seriously had the whole world gone batty? Did my forehead have a sign on it that said "Look at me! I'm a great fuck!" I think NOT. This was just some fucked up game these freaks where playing with my head.

I heard Dark shift across the floor but refused to look up. There was no way I would give him the satisfaction of seeing the confusion on my face. What if he took it wrong—not as "What the hell?" But as "Do I like you?" I did not want to handle Dark—or Krad for that matter—any longer.

Though my bangs I watched his feet approach, he walked slowly like I was a rabbit and he was a fox, coming in for a nice chat before the kill. Yah, like I was going to turn heel and run. How much more degrading did I need in one day? I put myself in shut down mode. The steely face I can't see you and don't know you mode.

If you look denial up on the internet the psychological side says something along the lines of denying something the mind can't put up with. Basically I was in denial about my situation. I'm used to dealing with shit—I mean look at the curse life dished me out. But I'm not used to dealing with… life. I don't need love—all I need is hate. What good is love when my loved ones will only get hurt? I can't be used—I have to do the using. If I get used then I get hurt. And how good am I for myself if I'm too damaged to do anything? So where do I go when I'm in denial? A place I call winter—even Krad can't get me here.

Back in reality the white carpet crinkled under his feet, like foot steps in fresh snow they stayed as he stepped away. I could feel myself slipping into my denial. The silence that filled the room gave hope into my vision, I could practically hear the crunch of the frost shattering underneath his pale skin, and I could feel the whisk of the cold winter air rubbing against my body like a neglected cat. I closed my eyes to shut out his approach, my attention turned to the air rushing past—that's why I was surprised when a trembling finger brushed my chin.

"Satoshi-chan?" Fear laced the voice, making it tremble and dip with each word. It was like a child who I had stuck with the butt of a gun. He expected me to shoot him down with the bullet in the front—he expected me to be like I normally was. Empty and cold as the snow in my visions. But snow is not empty—snow is beautiful. Snow is alive and lovely. It is a danger and a comfort. This time I wasn't a comfort. I was going to burst. Krad was shoving his way into my place.

"Don't touch me." The hand snapped back in shock. I wasn't one to give commands-- ever. Inside my heart I could feel Krad smirk. He knew I was talking to him—but it was Dark who was taking the blow. "Don't touch me." He hadn't reached out to touch me again but I couldn't stop it for pouring out of my mouth. I needed to say it—it was like the words where going to explode from me and shatter the world. Krad was pushing so hard—the world was falling apart, cracks in my frost and melting in my snow. The world was ending with a burst of bright angel wings.

"Don't touch me, don't touch me, don't touch me!" I wasn't far enough gone to mistake the whine in my own voice—but I couldn't stop now. I needed it out. I needed to burst into a thousand little shards—I needed to rid my self of this frost and become something human. Not this controlled animal to be raped and toyed with. I knew if Krad got in that's all I ever would be—he would claim every part of me—I would have nothing left just to myself.

"Satoshi…" Dark reached out again and I knew that as soon as he touched I would break. The whole world would break. Krad would slide in and sit himself in my world—he would suffocate my snow and melt it with his sun.

"DON'T!!!!" I flung myself backwards as hard as I could, the sharp crack of the wall against my back didn't matter. I couldn't be touched—not if I wanted to come out sane. He kept walking though. Him and his perfection—him and his naked glory—he wouldn't stop coming for me. "Don't! Please! Don't!"

I put my hands over my eyes—I felt like a toddler, "If I can't see him, he can't see me." I could feel the trickle of tears running across my face and I hunched over, pressing my ass against the wall and exposing my back.

I peeled my hands away from my eyes and watched in horror as perfect raindrops splattered across my slender hands. The more I watched them descend into oblivion the faster they fell—it was like something had broken in me that I couldn't fix. Maybe my heart was cracking and this was all of the ice melting out—maybe I was crazy and I would wake up without someone else inside my head. Or maybe Krad was in finally and this was what I was being dished out.

"Satioshi!" Shock this time—fear. The feet are no longer walking—he's running for me. His hands are on my back, touching the arch of my spine. I shatter. Everything shatters.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!!!" I'm flailing, trying to hit anything and everything. I'm broken. Words rush out from the melt of snow flakes falling from my eyes and into my mouth. "You always think you can have everything! You and him! But you can't! You can't do that to people! You can't!" He's blocking my arms, trying to catch them—but he can't. It's like he's not there anymore. I'm not trying to hurt him—but something needs to hurt. Something needs to hurt more then I do. Krad is so far inside me—to far in.

"You're all so fucking twisted! So warped around yourself! You think you understand! YOU DON'T!!! You just fucking USE me like I'm your TOY!!! I'm NOT!!! I'm alive goddamit!" My hands slap against my face and my fingers tear at it, trying to break free of this frosty mask of melting ice. I can feel it as my nails rip my flesh apart—I can see it in his eyes as blood drips across my cheeks. It feels good. It feels like freedom. I tear harder and faster.

"You think you know me? You think you control me? Well you don't! YOU DON'T! You don't know and you don't care! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!!! I do!!! I need someone to care about me!" His hands are scrabbling to pull me away from myself as Krad is scrambling to burst free of the cage in my mind. I have him caught now. Caught in the madness in my mind. I can hardly breathe between my tears and screaming and my sight is blacking in and out. I can feel the ice freezing Krad inside my heart. He's being frozen and his sun is dying. But I don't want him here—I want him out. I don't want a freak inside me anymore.

"GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!! Get out get out get OUT!!!" At last Krad burst free from the cages and I feel like I'm soaring—I'm looking up into the light on my ceiling and drifting away. The light is growing so far away…. So far away…..

Gone

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A/N: I know I haven't posted in a long time but I'm going to try to post a lot more now that I have more time to do it. This chapter was short and had no sex in it—sorry for all that expected that!—but I'm trying to build… a story? Out of this. :D Tell me what you think!!!!

Shimmer of an Angel