Title: Take It Easy
Author: Drake-Tepes
Ratings: Eh, 13 and older?
Warnings: Nah.
Summary Execution: Yes.
Author's Notes: Eh, qucikly done fic, inspired by song, thanks to Mark for making it readable and... eh, that's all.
- - - - -
The phone had barely begun to ring when Willow snatched it from it's cradle and eagerly spoke. "Xander, is that you?"
There was a soft chuckle from the other side of the connection. "It's me. Have things calmed down yet?"
"No they have not Mister! Everyone's riled up now. Buffy and Kennedy are hot on your trail calling for blood. Then there's Dawn, Vi, Rona and Sally who're tracking you down for a whole other reason. I don't think Faith has stopped laughing yet and I'm afraid Giles is going to get carpal tunnel from all his glasses polishing!"
"I didn't think it'd get that bad. It was supposed to be some good clean fun, you thought it'd be too!"
Willow let out a long suffering sigh that can only be produced when dealing with someone you've known forever and love dearly, yet still wish to strangle on occasion. "I know. None of us counted on Buffy and Kennedy getting back so early. Or that Buffy would rip off your mask. If she hadn't overreacted it'd all be okay and no one but us would know. But now…"
"But now," Xander picked up, "I'm running from everyone."
"Exactly. So where are you now? Wait. Don't answer that, if I don't know I can't tell them."
"Don't worry, I'm pretty safe. I'm in the middle of nowhere and all is quiet. There's nothing to worry ab---"
"Xander, you didn't."
"Shit. I did, didn't I?"
"You had to jinx yourself, didn't you?"
"Sorry Wills, I wasn't thinking. I'll have to get a move on before it can catch up to… aw crap. Will, did Buffy put out an APB on me with the Slayers?"
"Yeah. Don't tell me you've been spotted. You had to jinx it didn't you? You just had to say it."
"I'm sorry, okay! Just, can you check to see if we have a Slayer stationed in Winslow, Arizona?"
"Sure, hold on." It only took a moment to get the database up and for Willow to check. "We do. Her name is Kim. She's 5'2" with black hair and she ---"
"Drives a flatbed Ford?"
"Um," Willow clicked through the profile some. "Yeah, how'd yo--- She's found you?"
"Well, a girl has driven around me for the last couple of minutes in a flatbed Ford. As much as I'd like to think it's my amazingly handsome self I'm too paranoid to be delusional. I'll call you when I can. Think you could try and calm them down some?"
"I'll see what I can do, but Xan… there's another problem for you to worry about."
"What?"
"Remember what Sally did to try and help out last month? That's why Dawn's hauling her along."
"Oh you've got to be frickin' kidding me! Okay, now I really have to run. I think Kim's coming back to get me this time. Bye Will!"
"Bye Xander."
He could see them following him now. There were two SUVs tailing him. He could tell which one Buffy was driving by how it kept swerving. He caught sight of Dawn driving the other. He loved his truck, but there was no way he'd get away from them. Maybe he'd get lucky and stay far enough ahead of them and catch a speed trap. They couldn't kill him if he was in police custody.
Xander was taking comfort in the idea of being locked in a nice cell away from crazed Slayers and teenage girls when he spotted Kennedy in the rearview mirror leaning out of the SUV. She was holding a crossbow.
"You have got to be kidding me!" Xander wailed and ducked down. The glass he expected to shatter didn't. There was a loud pop and his truck swerved. "Shit, she shot out a freaking tire with a crossbow? Are you kidding me!" Xander pulled off onto the shoulder, looked behind him to see the SUVs slowing down and did the only thing he could think of. Got out and ran as fast as he could away.
As fast as Xander could run for his life, it still wasn't as fast as an enraged Slayer. A moment later, Buffy caught up to Xander and he found himself skidding along the pavement after a 'little' shove put an end to his flight attempt.
Looking up Xander started talking, vainly hoping that the other group really did want him alive. "Buffy, Kennedy. Fancy seeing you out here!"
"Skip it Xander, I have to hurt you now," Buffy said as she stalked closer to him. Xander, for his part, did his best to crabwalk backwards away from her. Luckily, salvation came in the form of Dawn catching up to them and blocking Buffy's path.
"You'll not hurt one hair on him Buffy. Sally, get over here," Dawn barked at the little red-haired Slayer who was between Vi and Rona. Sally looked around nervously before moving over beside Dawn. "Okay, begin the ceremony."
"Ceremony? What ceremony?" Buffy asked her little sister with a glare. While Buffy was glaring at Dawn, Vi moved to block Kennedy who was trying to sneak up on Xander and who had a very dangerous glint in her eyes.
"Remember when we decided to see if ordained Slayers could make holy water? Sally was one of those who got ordained. So she's going to perform the wedding ceremony. I'm marrying Xander. Now."
"You can't marry a dead man," Kennedy said glaring.
"Fine, I'll just follow my sister's example and sleep with him! That not acceptable? Then leave him alive so I can marry him!"
Xander, for his part, was continuing to slowly get away without drawing attention to himself.
"You are not marrying him today or ever! Especially after what I caught him doing." Buffy tried to step around her sister, but Dawn was having none of it.
"I'll let him live, but he won't be able to perform his husbandly duties after I get through with him," Kennedy said menacingly.
"He didn't do anything wrong!" Dawn shouted with a stamp of her foot.
Vi and Rona, apart from trying to keep Kennedy from Xander for now, just stood back and watched with interest. They'd been there when it all went down and now wanted to see what happened. And to make sure Xander wasn't killed. He was too nice for that.
"Dawn, I caught him almost naked wearing a mask and gyrating on you!"
A low growl came from Kennedy. "And Willow was stuffing dollars down his thong."
"It was my eighteenth birthday party. He was Willow's gift to me. I wouldn't even have known it was him if you hadn't ripped off his mask. But now I do and I want to marry him. Did you see how he filled out his thong? You should be happy for me!"
"Willow knew? Oh when I get back she and I are going to talk…" Buffy muttered threateningly as Kennedy's growl deepened.
While they were arguing, no one noticed as Xander got further away, albeit slowly, by crabwalking. The ones fighting over Xander didn't notice the sound of a large motorcycle coming straight at them as they argued in the middle of the road. Vi and Rona, however, discreetly pulled Sally out of the middle of the road and harm's way.
Dawn, Kennedy and Buffy dove out of the way as the big motorcycle plowed past, missing them by inches. The motorcycle skidded to a stop and a helmet hit Xander in the chest.
While everyone looked around in confusion, Xander decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, even if it might eventually lead to his death by evisceration or defenestration. It was a long standing fear of his. He quickly put the helmet on and mounted the back of the bike as fast as possible. He'd just wrapped his hands around the driver, and discovered it was a woman and that he needed to lower his hold a little. They sped off down the highway leaving dust and confusion in their wake.
"Dammit Buffy, you let my future husband get away!"
"That's it, we're all going back to Cleveland now. We have a lot to discuss, young lady."
"But Buffy, did you see him in the thong?" Dawn whined as she was pulled back to the SUVs, the other girls following behind.
"Yes, but that's not the point." Buffy turned to Kennedy who was staring at where Xander escaped. "Kennedy, come on. Talk to Willow. He'll have to come back eventually. Then we can hurt him if we need to."
"Fine," grumbled Kennedy.
Sixty miles after he was saved, the driver pulled into a little gas station. Xander hopped off the back and took his helmet off, already speaking. "Thank you so much for saving me back there, I know it looked weird but…."
Xander stopped speaking when the driver took her helmet off. Her long dark hair flowed from its captivity and she turned to look him over. "Welcome Boytoy, I figured you'd need some help."
For a moment Xander made the classic fish face, trying to figure out when he could have entered the Twilight Zone. It wasn't until Faith and finished gassing up the cycle that he could finally get some words out. "Why're you doing this Faith?"
"Just returning the favor, you saved me from a scary bitch a few years back figured one good turn, returning the favor, whatever."
"Oh."
"Plus you looked nice in that thong."
"Huh. Um, Faith? Does this mean we go back to a motel and have sex? I mean, since you're returning the favor."
"Yes."
Xander thought for a moment. "I'm okay with that. Just… uh, just one thing?"
"What?"
"Take it easy."
Faith grinned at him. "Never."