Always

By: WickedGame

(see end of story for author notes)

I can't sleep.

Why can't I sleep?

Every night, of every month, of every year.

It's all the same.

I can't sleep.

Duo Maxwell sat up in bed, rubbing his face with his callused hands. Years of labor, endless battles had earned him these hands. They had been earned the hard way, by all of them.

He had earned other things as well: scars, nightmares, and insomnia. All those things the Gundam pilots had earned, and some of them had gotten used to it. The insomnia was the hardest thing to get over, for Duo anyways. The others had reconciled themselves to this fate.

They were all up, all of them. Even Heero. The implacable, expressionless, and dispassionate pilot that was always on Duo's troubled mind.

"Heero," Duo whispered, thinking of his dark blue eyes and his unruly dark hair.

Duo knew he would not get any sleep tonight. And sitting around here would only serve to stew his thoughts. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and grabbed his black pants and boots from his bedside table. He pulled them on over his nude body, and threw on a black shirt. His braid hung down to his waist, only slightly mussed from lying in bed.

Duo could search any one of the pilots for a game of chess, or even cards. As he did almost every night, he opted to be alone, and to walk. It was time to reflect, time to just be. Time to let it out, time to grieve.

Things were quiet in the hallway of the house they all shared. But the light that peaked out from underneath every door indicated that no one was asleep. Duo stepped lightly so he did not alert the other pilots to his leaving. But there was one pilot whom was always aware of where Duo Maxwell was. A pair of Prussian blue eyes followed Duo's lean form as it retreated down the hallway and down the stairs.

Heero heard the door close quietly. He suffered like them all. In some ways, even more so. The Perfect Soldier. An unstoppable force. But it had all gone so wrong; and yet, so right. They had prevailed. Peace had prevailed.

And in the process of gaining peace, Heero had inexplicably lost his heart to a brash American. The God of Death. And yet, he knew Duo Maxwell was more sweet and gentle than anyone could ever know. Duo wore a mask, a façade. His bravado was just that, a false strength that made him seem impervious. Deep down, he knew Duo was as lonely as he was. Just as lost.

Heero had been following Duo on his walks. Tonight would be no different. He stepped down the stairs and out of the house, and into the cloudy night.

On my own

Pretending he's beside me

All alone

I walk with him 'til morning

Without him

I feel his arms around me

And when I lose my way

I close my eyes

And he has found me

Duo shoved his hands in his pockets as he walked down by the waterfront. He could see his house from here, and knew Heero was still up by the light shining in his bedroom window.

In his mind, Heero was always here with him on these walks. A constant companion, telling him how stupid he was being, or how strange he sounded. Tonight though, that voice was silent.

"Ah, Heero, you always did know when to be quiet," Duo chuckled.

In the rain

The pavement shines like silver

All the lights

Are misty in the river

In the darkness

The trees are full of starlight

And all I see

Is him and me

Forever and forever

Heero hid in the shadows as the sky rumbled not far in the distance. Duo just stared into nothingness, out into unfathomable distance. He began to move again, towards a large park not far away.

It had been Relena who had pointed out that Duo obviously had feelings for Heero. Heero had been surprised to find her observation correct. Duo had never said anything, oh no, but Heero had caught the meaning behind hundreds of tiny motions and gestures. He doubted Duo even knew what he was projecting.

It had also been Relena who had been astute enough to figure out Heero's feelings for Duo. He himself had not even known until she told him.

Ever since that day he had not known what to say, or what to do. When Duo was around all thoughts flew out of his head. His hands ached to undo that damnable braid, and to touch and kiss the scars that he knew graced Duo's body.

Duo stopped not one hundred feet in front of him, and Heero ducked down behind a bush. He could barely make out the words Duo spoke.

"He could never love the God of Death, Maxwell. He's an angel of mercy. He is not yours to touch"

And I know

It's only in my mind

That I'm talking

To myself

And not to him

And although

I know that he is blind

Still I say

There's a way for us

As soon as the words escaped Duo's mouth he had a harsh realization: they were not meant to be, ever. Heero was someone untouchable, unattainable. Like trying to catch a falling star. He wanted to believe that one day he would be able to tell Heero how he felt, but what then? Rejection?

"No, no, no Maxwell. We will not do that. Move on. Find someone else. There has to be someone else," Duo heard himself say.

I love him

But when the night is over

He's gone

The river's just a river

Without him

The world around me changes

The trees are bare

And everywhere

The streets are full of strangers

"No, Duo," Heero heard himself whisper in a very hushed tone. He did not want Duo to move on. Duo was his anchor to sanity. He stayed here for Duo. He did not want to lose Duo. Anything that ever made sense to him made sense because of Duo. Anything that ever mattered, mattered because of Duo. He could see himself becoming lost and confused without Duo to lead him back up through the twisted pathways, even if the braided boy did not know it.

"No Duo," Heero whispered hoarsely. He would have to break the spell. He would have to step up. He would have to give in. He stepped up his pace as the skies opened up and rain began to fall.

I love him

But every day I'm learning

All my life

I've only been pretending

Without me

His world would go on turning

The world is full of happiness

That I have never known

As his clothing became wet. Duo felt more alone than he had ever felt.

"Who am I kidding?" Duo screamed into the night, "It would not matter! I do not matter! Not to him!"

What would he do for one kiss, one embrace? What would he do to hear Heero say…

"He'll never say it Maxwell," Duo said to himself.

He had looked into Heero's eyes once. He could drown in them, and never care that he lost himself. He knew he had lost himself long ago.

Duo laughed a slightly mad laugh, and lifted his arms into the air. He closed his eyes and let the rain beat down on him. His clothes plastered themselves to his body. His braid was soaked, and rainwater mixed with the bittersweet tears that coursed their way down his face.

Duo Maxwell turned around and stopped his laughing and crying immediately. Heero stood not ten feet from him, soaked to the bone.

I love him

"Duo, you need to stop taking these walks," Heero said simply.

"I hope you are joking," Duo said stoically.

"I never joke," Heero said, "And I never lie"

I love him

Duo was drawn, like a magnet. He stepped closer to Heero, until he was so close he could wipe the wet hair out of Heero's eyes. He could and he did.

"You'll catch cold if you do not get inside," Duo said softly.

"Not without you," Heero told his God of Death.

The silence between them grew pregnant as the rain continued to fall.

"Heero, I-," Duo began to say the words he never thought he would be able to say when Heero's index finger touched his lips, silencing him. Those eyes of his said so much, so very much. They held the secrets of so many things, and Duo felt himself drowning, just like he knew he could and would.

"I know Duo," Heero told his love reassuringly. He held his hand against Duo's soft cheek, and ran his thumb over his soft lips. Those lips parted instinctively, and the cheek leaned into the caress.

"Heero?" Duo asked, a bit speechless. Heero knew what he was about to ask. Do you love me? Do you want me? Those were the questions he knew were circling in Duo's mind. He put his forehead against Duo's, while the rain continued to pour down.

"Always," Heero whispered to the man in black, the God of Death, Duo, whatever you wanted to call him.

Duo sobbed slightly as Heero took his face in both hands. Duo nodded, "Always"

The kiss they shared was full of hope, full of dreams, full of unspoken desires. A kiss meant for lifetimes, meant for eternity. A kiss that meant they were not alone, not anymore.

And as the rain slackened, they both knew it was for always.

I love him

But only on my own

a/n: I do not own Gundam Wing, it's characters, or the piece "On My Own" from Les Miserables. Let us hope that ffnet do not take this off.