The Grass is Always Greener
Chapter 5: The Winner and the Loser
A/N: Hey guys and gals! Thank you SO much for the nice reviews about chapter 3 and 4! Love 'em! But, I'm very time pressed right now, and I'm too lazy too write reviewer responses, so a big thank you to everyone who reviewed, hope you like this chap, and hope you enjoyed reading this story.Unfortunatley, this is the last chapter, and you guys will finallyget to see who wins! Yayy! I'm extremley hyper right now! Anyway, enjoy, and please review!
P.S. In case anybody cared about the Titanic refernce (since no one bothered to point it out) it was when Raoul fell in the lake and was screaming something like "I'm so cold, can't feel my body" e.t.c. Just wanted to point it out.
Erik awoke to an extremely annoying alarm clock that kept playing the Gilligan's Island theme song.. "Ooh, God, my head! The pain! Turn it off!"
Christine came stomping in "Get your lazy ass up! It's eight A.M.!"
Erik looked at her oddly "You always get up this early? Are you nuts?" Erik then realized he'd made a mistake, and Christine had another mood swing.
"Oh, so now I'm crazy because I like to get up early! For your information, I let you sleep in 'cause you're a guest! Raoul and I get up at six! Not all of us just like to lounge around a lair all damn day and sing! Come on, we've got stuff to do!"
"Christine, I'm only here for three more hours. What could you possibly do?"
Christine looked at him stupidly "I don't know. Wanna watch a Carebear movie?
"No"
" Wanna play Bingo? Or Go fish?"
"No, and no"
" Bake a triple layer chocolate fudge cake with icing?"
"No. Wait, why do you wanna eat cake when you were having a fit yesterday over being fat?"
She sat down on the bed "Great! Now you're saying I am fat! I thought you're always obsessing over my 'slender, womanly figure'! What the hell happened to that? Huh Mr. Big Mouth?"
"O.K., Christine, I don't really care what you do"
" God! Now you don't even care about me! I can't believe-"
Erik put his hand over her mouth, mercifully ending the conversation "Christine, I got an idea"
"What?"
"We could make love?"
Christine got a lusty look in her eyes "Okay." She pushed him back down onto the bed, and began stoking his hair, and kissed him. And kissed him again, fanning a flame of desire. Erik rolled over on her, and began taking off her nightgown.
She pushed him up off of her and stood up "What the hell are you doing?"
"I thought you wanted to make love"
Christine scoffed "Not that kind of making love! I just thought you wanted to kiss me! Isn't that what you wanted?"
"No! I mean, YES!"
Christine slapped him "I'm married, you sicko! Now, come on, get dressed! I wanna get going!"
Erik stood up, and went behind a changing screen, getting dressed "Going where?"
"To the once-a-month marriage seminar."
"I'm not your husband! That's Raoul's department!"
Christine put her hands on her hips "Don't care! You're going with me!"
Erik emerged, wearing his normal black suit and cape " No way" he said
"Yes way. And you're not wearing that. Today, we're both wearing pink matching outfits!" she squealed happily
Erik had it. He sank to his knees, and screamed "NOOOOOOOO!"
Raoul was sitting in the lair, doing a crossword puzzle. He had forgotten about the moisturizer, no mirror problem momentarily. But, he was counting the minutes until eleven A.M. He didn't know how much longer he could hold out. It was tough.
"Okay, let's see, I need a six letter word for an object used to look at one's reflection. Hmmm, ahhh, oh no A MIRROR! NOOO! I need a mirror! I can't take it anymore!"
And with that, Raoul began beating his head off the table. "That's it! I don't care if I lose this bet! I can't take this anymore! I need my makeup! And mirrors! I even miss my annoying, crazy wife!"
Raoul stood up andran through the lake, taking off the mask and cape. He began running through the stables, and smacked straight into someone. He looked up, and saw it was Erik, dragging Christine along with him.
"Phantom!"
"Oh, for God's sake Raoul, I have a name! It's Erik!"
"Oh, okay. Erik!"
"Raoul! What the-"
"Listen, Erik, I don't care what you say but-"
"I know this is going to sound so stupid but-"
"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!" they both screamed at each other at the same time
"Your wife is nuts! It was like hell! I don't care if I lose this bet!"
"You must be nuts! There isn't a single mirror or moisturizer in your lair!"
They both stared at each other "So, who wins the bet?" Erik asked
"Well" Christine said, breaking her way in between the two guys "The bet was whomever lasted the longest amount of time in a day in each other's lifestyles was the winner. And the winner was paid one hundred francs from the loser, right?"
Both the guys nodded in agreement "So" she continued " Then neither of you guys won"
"WHAT!" they both shouted
"You heard me. Neither of you won. The bet was who could last the longest amount of time in a day. Well, the longest amount of time in a day is 24 hours. And you guys " she said, looking at her watch "Both lasted 23 hours and fifty-eight, no, now it's fifty-nine minutes"
Both the men looked at each other "One more stupid minute" said Raoul
"One more damn minute and I would have been one hundred francs richer"
"Well," Christine said "since both of you guys lost, you both have to pay the other one hundred francs"
They both looked outraged at this
"Or" Christine said "You could go back and spend another day in each other's lifestyle 'til someone wins"
Erik and Raoul both looked at each other and whipped out their wallets. They both made checks for one hundred francs paid to the other person. After that had been done, Erik grabbed Christine by the shoulders and shoved her at Raoul.
"Here's your wife back!"
"Here's your mask and cape back!"
They both took off running. Raoul picked Christine up, and started running to catch a taxi while screaming "Thank god it's over! Mirrors! Makeup! I don't have to hide my pretty face behind a mask anymore!"
"Ahemm" Christine loudly cleared her throat and looked at Raoul expectantly
"And, of course, I missed you honey. I'm glad I don't have to be away from you anymore"
Christine smiled " Nice save, Raoul-Raoul"
Meanwhile, Erik ran back into the lair screaming "Yess! Sweet solitude and loneliness! No crazy, overemotional wife to drive me insane! I couldn't take it if I really was married to her! Thank goodness things ended up the way they did! I'm finally all alone in tortuous isolation from the rest of humanity! Thank you God!" he wept.
Well, even after the bet was over, Erik and Raoul still hung out together, and eventually became friends. Christine loved it, but most of the time when she hung around them, she was very annoying and nagging, so she wasn't included in most of Erik's and Raoul's plans. Finally, they worked out a plan. Twice a week, they told her they went bowling, but they really went to Erik's lair to watch football games, drink beer, play poker, complain about their lives and problems and just do guy stuff. It worked out marvelously for about a year (until Christine came into the lair one day and found out what they were really doing, but that's another story all together;)
THE END
A/N Well, it's over! Surprised ya, didn't I? ;) Hope you liked my first attempt at a funny Phantom fanfic, and hope you liked the ending! PLEASE REVIEW! Thanks for reading!