Disclaimer: "One call it the cursed land. Two call it the spaces between two souls. Three call it a chess game of reality." "For the, ah, metaphorically challenged, does this place have a name?" (1)

(An: Well, here it is, the last chapter. Trippy, neh? This is late because I needed a break. Fixed the HTML... hatehatehate.)

Lingerie (Present)

Several months had passed since the napalm incident, and Wanda was getting quite accustomed to John letting her sleep in. That wasn't the case this morning, however. "Sheila..." John whispered in her ear, poking her in the side. Wanda rolled over, ignoring him. "Sheila!" Wanda lay still. "Oh, fine... Wanda. Wake up."

She rolled over to face him. "This had better be important."

"It is! Don't you know what today is?"

"...Annoy Wanda Day?"

"No. That's every day. Today," he said, leaning over so he could look into her eyes, "is my birthday."

Wanda blinked, processing this. "Why don't you ever tell me these things ahead of time?"

"Because. You're simply i stunning /i when you're annoyed... besides, I thought did."

"You didn't."

John leaned back on his heels as Wanda sat up, rubbing the rest of the sleep from her eyes. "Damn. I was coming in here to bug you for my present."

"Well, I still have to buy you one. So shoo."

"But-"

"Scat! I'll get you something good if you leave me alone."

"Oh, fine." John left, and Wanda buried her head under the pillow in the hopes of recapturing her lost sleep.

O-o-O-o-O

"So why are we here?" Rogue asked, looking around the shop.

"It's John's birthday, and he specifically said, 'Get me something kinky,'" Wanda replied, digging through the pile of underwear.

"Yes, that answers why you are here. But why did you drag me along?"

"Advice." She held up and discarded a pair of crotchless panties, looking squicked.

"About what?"

"About what to get him!" Wanda replied, with a "Duh" look. "Do I get something for myself, which by proxy is a gift for him, or do I get something for him directly?"

Rogue responded with a similar look. "You get something for him. Therefore, not only does he get a present, but you get to look at him in it. Easy. Why do you think I got Remy boxers?"

"Because you're a masochist like that? You know, exacerbate the 'look but don't touch' bit?"

Rogue made a face at her friend. "So what is John doing for himself?"

"Guy stuff with Remy... something like that. Probably buying nail polish, knowing John."

Rogue snorted. "We need to hang out more often. It's so rare to find a sane person in this town."

Wanda nodded in sad agreement. She tapped her lips with a finger. "Everything in this place is either too creepy or too generic..."

"You could always shoot for the flame-patterned whip," Rogue drawled.

Wanda paused, carefully set down what she was holding, and looked up, so Rogue could better get the effect of her raised eyebrow.

"I'm just saying... you were the one who asked me for help, you know."

"I'm beginning to doubt myself... I considered asking Kitty, but I figured you've got the whole Goth thing going for you... and time spent with Kitty tends to make me want to hang myself."

"Kitty would probably die of embarrassment if she came in here... she'd spontaneously combust from blushing so much."

"Did you get rid of the unicorns yet?"

"Nah, I painted my own wall. Lots of blood, gore, thick-rimmed glasses, stuff like that. It was soothing."

"I worry about you sometimes," Wanda sighed.

"You're dating a hyperactive firebug, and you question my sanity?"

"Well... yes!"

Rogue rolled her eyes. "Well, I guess he's cute, at least... why not just buy him a lighter?"

"There's the kinky thing, and anything fire-related would just be too obvious. Besides, if I can find it, he has it. I really do wish he'd warned me... I want to get him something good."

"Ah, yes, the ultimate question: what to buy for the psychotic firebug who has everything?"

Wanda, unable to think of a good retort, snapped a thong at her. Rogue gasped in overacted horror and grabbed one of her own, resulting in a furious underwire war. Thankfully, it was also very brief, so no employees noticed.

O-o-O-o-Oe

Several hours later, after obtaining John's present, Wanda crept inside the Brotherhood house. She was hoping to get some more sleep, since if John liked his present she probably wasn't going to get much tonight. And she was betting he would like his present.

She took a few cautious steps inside and looked to the left and right. Satisfied that she wasn't going to be tackled by kamikaze Australians, she breathed a sigh of relief and snuck upstairs.

O-o-O-o-O

John smiled down at his glass of tequila. A little fire face smiled back at him. "It's a beautiful thing, being able to buy highly flammable liquids… that aren't Kool-Aid." (2)

"It's even better that you keep buying them for me," said Remy, grinning.

"Off your tab."

"…I don't have a tab."

"You do now."

Remy lunged for John, who ducked out of reach. "Oh, would you look at the time! Wanda should be back at the house by now. Toodles!" He patted Remy on the head and ran off.

Remy sighed, rolling his eyes. It wasn't too often that John got the better of him; it was a sign that Remy was getting drunk. Remy shrugged, decided it was John's birthday and he deserved the victory, and grabbed the glass of tequila.

O-o-O-o-O

John arrived back at the Brotherhood house on Remy's "borrowed" motorcycle (he shouldn't be allowed to drive anyway). He glanced at the door, reminded himself for the millionth time that he wanted to paint it black, and walked inside. (3)

Glancing around, he saw none of his housemates. A nefarious grin spread across his face, and he climbed the steps. Wanda, as he had guessed, was asleep in her room. His grin widened, and he tiptoed inside. Well, tried, anyway. There was a loud creak as he stepped on an irate floorboard, and Wanda stirred. John winced, then shrugged and flopped on the bed beside her. "All you've done is sleep today," he said, prodding her.

"Have not," Wanda mumbled. "I got bothered by you, didn't I?"

"Doesn't count."

Wanda rolled over to face him. "Oh, yeah, and I bought your present."

"Yay! Where is it?"

Wanda sat up, nodding at some bags in the corner. John hugged her before attacking them. After a moment, he paused, looking confused. "…A sequined thong?"

Wanda yawned. "Wrong bag. That's for Rogue."

"Dare I even ask?"

"It's a reminder that she would do well never to challenge me again," Wanda replied, with a nasty smirk.

"…Ok…"

"It's in the other bag."

John pounced again, coming up with a black corset and a pair of boxers. John hugged them. "Ah, I love the smell of fresh kinkiness!"

"It's not all that kinky. There were some other things I could have bought, but I decided to stick with the tamer stuff."

John shrugged. "It's all the same to me."

Wanda stretched and got out of bed, grabbing the corset from him. "Scoot so I can change."

John stuck his face very close to hers, smirking. "If this all means what I think it means, it won't really matter if I watch or not."

"The package doesn't mean much without its wrapping,."

"I think it means a whole lot, sheila," John replied, leaning closer for a kiss.

Wanda smirked at him, pushing him back. "Not yet."

John made a face at her and went outside, leaning against the door. "Have I ever mentioned how much I hate waiting?" he asked, after about a minute.

"Have you ever tried to get on a corset?"

John shut up.

After another few minutes, Wanda said, "All right, fine."

John grinned and opened the door. He crossed the room and claimed the kiss she'd made him wait for.

"What, no period of admiration?" Wanda murmured. "I'm insulted."

"I've been waiting all day," John replied. If his voice hadn't been a murmur like hers, it would have qualified as a whine.

"So maybe you need to learn the virtue of patience."

"Or maybe you need to quit making me wait." He put his arms around her and started fiddling with the straps of her corset. "...Wanda, why'd you get me a present I couldn't unwrap? Is this the final irony or something?"

Wanda rolled her eyes. "No, you're just uncoordinated." She reached behind herself and hexed off the corset.

"No more waiting?"

"Nope."

(I'd like to make the ending more meaningful than that... but this story is basically just slice of life, so no worries. Well, hope you enjoyed the ride. Peace, love, and review!)

(1) Ordinarily, I don't cite disclaimer quotes, but this is (obviously) where I got the title from. It's a quote from Darkened Skye. :D

(2) In case I've never mentioned this before, Kool-Aid is indeed flammable. Neat, neh?

(3) Reference to Goldylokz (I can't remember if he painted the doors in "Nine to Five" or "November Rain"), since I haven't done one in a while.