I am alive! MWAHAHAHAHA! XD

Thundercracker's depressed and thinking. Yes he can do it all too well.

Slight, very slight Shonen-Ai

INTROSPECTION

By: Seeker Nami

It was "one of those days" when Megatron locked himself all alone in the command center without giving any live signals, as if the command center happened to be a spectral tomb of some sort. -And when he came out of there he usually felt refreshed, full of new ideas and renewed enthusiasm.- Starscream kept saying Megatron held some "weed" there that he didn't want to share and that was what gave him new strength. But sure, who was gonna believe that loud-mouth of a Seeker?

Not that the other Seekers would actually mind. Especially not Thundercracker.

What on Cybertron was going on with him lately anyway?

The silence in the Nemesis ship's recreation room was so thick one could almost touch it. As in many occasions, the hall was almost empty since most Decepticons actually chose to stay in their own quarters or even outside the base rather than getting along with each other, save for Soundwave and his Cassettes. Some faint snickers cut the silence every now and then as the cassetticon twins plotted yet another of their pranks, Primus forbid it was another one involving the ship's main generator.

Far away in the right wall, leaning against a gigantic couch laid the azure, slender figure of Thundercracker. The Seeker warrior was looking at the depths of the ocean behind the solid glass window. His optics lost in the playful shapes and random display of lights and shadows Sun and water made by melding themselves together as if giving birth to a whole new offspring. Thundercracker's mind wandered further in the ocean, beyond the adjacent reefs to where countless fishes went.

His hydraulic systems relaxed, making a sighing sound as his coolant vents freed the hot air contained. It wasn't the first time he felt like this; lost, alone, baffled for that matter. He had asked himself the same questions again and again many times, long before they crash-landed on this planet and even now:

When did he got himself into this?

How did he end trapped in that net?

Why did he let himself be lured into that way?

Altogether, what made him stay there?

Always the same questions; questions he couldn't answer. He knew there was something in common among all of them: Fear. Fear to what? Only Primus knew, but there was so much fear and insecurity hidden.

Thundercracker knew everything could have been different if he said"no" from the beginning. If he left when there was still a chance. If he didn't followed his primary impulses, the feeling of the moment. Everything could have been so different if he just turned his back and left. But that didn't happen and he kept going along until it was too late and he realized his mistake.

A noise and a slight movement in the other side of the room got his attention: Soundwave and his casseticons were leaving the place after Laserbeak somehow got himself stuck between Rumble's legs. The Seeker scanned the recreation room: There was no one else beside him, at least not in sight he thought and moved his optics back to the window just in time to face a dolphin, which stared back at him with a playful look in its black eyes. The gray mammal shook its head up and down twice and swam away rolling and playing, leaving Thundercracker staring at his own reflection in the crystal.
Now it was his own optics staring at him. Cold and distant eyes, so different from those of a dolphin: full of plain happiness. Upset, he moved his attention from the reflection in the crystal and looked at his hands. He didn't know where to go.

He felt so unconfident.

It was always the same…

Deep within his Spark he always felt an immense fear. He tried to mask it all his life. That was the reason he became a Gladiator. That was the reason why he accepted Starscream's offers to join the movement they were sowing. He wanted to pretend he had his life under control; that he had the same confidence in himself as the other Transformers with which he was forced to live in this hostile world. And at least he felt calm knowing he managed to deceive many of them, in spite he actually ignored that, secretly, most Transformers felt pity of him, if that was ever possible among the soon-to-become Decepticons.

Thundercracker wished everything he pretended to be would become true. He wished to have his life under his control, to be confident and do whatever he wanted without hesitation- In the ideal world that would have been easy. But real world was far from consenting our fantasies and he knew it quite well.

Now, despite his efforts, a new feeling arose. It had rose from time to time in the past. However it was stronger than before: The feeling of defeat. He wanted to stop fighting: Not only this endless war between two races for power and their home world but also the war of his Spark for itself. He was lost and alone, without possible escape. What sense was there to keep fighting, then? Physically he was strong, yet he was weak and tired morally. A Decepticon without a fighting spirit. He wanted to quit.

No matter what I do, things all the time goes wrong.

I can never feel proud of myself.

Don't do I deserve something better?

Don't do I deserve, at least once, that things goes well?

Don't do I deserve to be happy?

Still, what is happiness for a Decepticon? The road he had chosen to follow was a though one and its concept of happiness was distant from that of the Autobots and humans alike. For him, happiness meant to feel safe of oneself without pretending, be known for his own merits and be satisfied of himself. But overall, for him to be happy meant not to be afraid of living, not to be afraid of destiny. For destiny, his destiny was firmly grasped in his hands and not the other way. To be happy meant to be really alive.

He curled up in the couch, hiding his face between his legs and arms as if trying to bury his thoughts. Suddenly, he felt a strong hand over his left shoulder. The sensation made him lift up his face andsearch for the owner of that hand: Skywarp stood in front of him, his red optics flashing with concern.

"You alright 'Cracker?" Skywarp's question was authentic.

"Don't worry Skywarp. It's nothing."

"I know you all too well to know you're lying."

"It's just…" Thundercracker hesitated. "It's just that I feel lonely and tired." No, he couldn't tell his friend, not yet.

"Thundercracker… You're not alone. You just don't realize there's someone standing by you."

"Shadows of the past doesn't count…" The blue Seeker answered bitterly.

"It's not from the past. It's from the present." Skywarp sat beside the other jet warrior, his hand resting over his friend's. "Don't let yourself down. Not yet, when there's someone who cares about you. Even if you can't see it. We Decepticons don't let ourselves down."

"Nor we care for others." Said Thundercracker with a grim, fake smile. "One Seeker less won't make a big difference"

"To not show what you feel doesn't mean you don't have feelings." Skywarp retorted. "Listen. I know nobody express what they feel. That's our nature. But believe me; there's someone who thinks you're especial and who cares about you. For that reason, you have to go on." Skywarp's grasp grew tighter on his friend's hand. "Believe me."

Thundercracker looked at Skywarp for an instant. The black Seeker leaned in closer to him and placed a soft kiss on his pale lips before standing up and starting to leave.

"You're not alone, Thundercracker."

The blue Seeker stood there, alone once again in the vast room with his mind blank and wide optics fixed in that departing dark figure of a Seeker.

Perhaps Skywarp was right.

THE END