Parodoia Chapter 5: A Not About Lily and James, a harry potter fanfic

Disclaimer: I own nooooone here, these are all JKRowling's characters. Although if I had one wish, I would own Sirius.

Hi, it's me, the author, siriusblackbeatupurmom here. I just wanted to say that this is my first LJ story and I am super excited! I hope you all like Sirius' madeup girl. She looks like me ;)

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James Potter and Sirius Black strode off the Hogwarts Express onto their school grounds, just beginning their seventh year. Both boys were tall (though Sirius was taller) and both had black hair (though Sirius's was blacker). James had hazel eyes and glasses.

Sirius Pollux Black, meanwhile, tossed his glossy head of hair, the color of the raven's wings. His stormy grey eyes coolly surveyed the warm castle grounds while his black robe billowed against his perfect figure. Sirius was the best-looking boy in the whole school, nay, in Britain, double nay, in the world, and he was looking for a true love to perfectly complement his perfect personality this year.

"Oooooooh Padfoot, it's Lily!" cried stupid James Potter. Sirius Black naturally realized that his best was falling in love with Lily Evans and smirked, pursing his gorgeous full lips.

"Prongs, why don't you talk to her?"

"You know Sirius, you're right."

"I am always right," he drolled in his deep voice.

"That's true," pointed out pitiful James with his crooked teeth. "Hey, Padfoot, they are getting into that carriage! What should we do?"

"Follow them?" suggested Sirius with his characteristic sophistication.

"Yeah, yeah, great plan!" And so they did.

Moments later, Lily Evans and her best friend, Kirsten Longoria, found James Potter scrabble into their carriage, looking stupid and not as good as Sirius would have doing the same thing.

"Hi, Lily!"

"Potter!" Lily was disgusted. "I hate you! You're a bullying toerag and not even that good-looking! Where's Sirius? I want to see him because he is so handsome." The carriage began rolling softly up the slope.

Suddenly, there was an animalistic scream from outside. The thestrels pulling their carriage had gone berserk! The compartment careened madly, heading for the lake.

"Oh no!" cried Lily in terror. "Who can save us now?" They cowered in terror.

At that moment, they heard a stern voice from outside. Kirsten, a violet-eyed blond, peeked out the window and squealed out in joy. She clasped her hands.

"Sirius is riding the mad thestrels! He's soooo dreamy!" And this was true. Wearing riding chaps under his robes, Sirius Black had wrapped his long legs around the bucking thestrels who had somehow left the line of carriages without hurting anyone else. He rode magnificently, holding on with his single pale pinky on his left hand. The wind pulled his hair back from his sculpted face as he cried, "Yee-haw!'

"Ohhhh," Kirsten fainted. James stepped over her prone body.

"Oy, mate!" he hollered. "We're going right into the lake! And that squid looks angry!" Lily was fanning the faint Kirsten back into conciousness. She was muttering things like "Sirius…snog…ah…"

"No problem!" called back Sirius, not even out of breath. He was more handsome saving other people than he was at any other time of day, and some people just weren't up to handling it. "I'll rope the thestrels with this string of minty dental floss!"

"Are you sure you don't need the citrus flavor?" sobbed ugly James Potter, immediately breaking out in acne. Sirius flashed another white-toothed, devil-may-care grin that sent Kirsten back onto the floor once more.

"Prongs, do you doubt my dental floss?"

"You do what you can, Padfoot," intoned James solemnly. "I'm behind you and your floss all the way." Sirius pulled out a small white packet from his pocket and tied it around the invisible thestrels. All was going well but as Sirius pulled back to rein in the thestrels, Voldemort suddenly appeared and snipped the dental floss with his evil garden shears!

"Oh shit!" cried James frantically, tearing out first his hair and then Lily's. "What'll we do. what'll we do?" The Dark Lord cackled maniacally.

"You'll die! Die! Ahahahahahaha!" and then he vanished. Instantly, however, the carriage was imbued with calm as Sirius opened his lordly mouth to released great proverbs of wisdom and comfort.

"Damn. Prongs, we'll need to resort to plan B."

"What's plan B?" cried Lily and/or James because in this story, they're both scared women.

"The spells I made up in five seconds that I taught you!" shouted Sirius magnificently from atop the raging thestrel.

"Ah hah!" James whipped out his wand, momentarily impressive so this can be used as meager fodder for the LJ relationship later on. "Ready, Padfoot?"

"I was born ready."

"I thought you were born serious."

Sirius flashed his usual smile, blinding Lily and James.

"I'm losing consciousness again…" Kirsten was gone.

"On three!" The lake was perilously close.

"ONE!"

"TWO!"

"THREE!" The two boys shouted different incantations, James calling out,

"Carriagus brakeus!" whilst Sirius delivered a fantastic

"Thesrellius calmus!" The carriage screeched to a halt, the thestrels soothed. Sirius vaulted off and landed lithely on the ground, whipping his hair from his eyes, taking the distance to the carriage in two easy lengths of his long legs.

"Is your friend okay?" he asked kindly, looking at the beautiful and not-so-cognitive Kirsten.

"She was just blown away by your skill. You two were wonderful!" beamed Lily.

"I know," Sirius replied humbly.

"Better get those riding chaps off before Kirsten wakes up or she may suffer a bypass, Padfoot. You know about girls and your chaps."

"Ah hah hah, James you are soooo funny!" giggled Lily, instantly overcome by James. They wandered off to the castle, James giving Sirius a huge wink of eternal gratitude.

Sirius looked after his best friend knowingly, giving a sagacious little nod at his own clever matchmaking skills. He turned back to the crumpled form of Kirsten.

She was beautiful, he had to admit, with luxurious flaxen curls and a perfect figure. Sirius knelt over her and tenderly scooped her into his strong arms, studying her face as he walked to Hogwarts castle. There was a teensy smudge of dirt on her white cheek and Sirius brushed it off with his thumb, feeling horrible for being so callous at his treatment of Kirsten by not preventing that smudge from occurring. He now knew that he was irrevocably in love with her. The soft touch of his calloused thumb woke her from her daze and those purple peepers opened tentatively, her red lips arranging into a glorious smile.

"My rescuer," she murmured, touching her delicate finger to his stubbly cheek.

"Will you marry me?" he asked with love, love, love shining in his slate eyes.

"Oh, Sirius!" Kirsten cried, throwing her arms around his neck as he kicked open the double doors to the Entrance Hall and then strode right into the dinner feast. "Of course!"

Everyone immediately stood up as they entered and the students began clapping, Lucius Malfoy falling prostrate in front of the triumphant Mr. Black. Professor McGonagall wept into her robes at the sight of him. Professor Flitwick set to work on composing a symphony in his honor. Peter Pettigrew wet his pants and Lupin just went gay.

"Sirius, Sirius, SIRIUS!" the students began chanting in unison.

"SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS SIRIUS!

SIRIUS SIRIUS—"

"WAIT!" cried Lily loudly, shoving Alice Longbottom off the Gryffindor table to stand in the goulash herself.

"I have something to say." All eyes, including those love-struck ones of Sirius and Kirsten, turned to Lily, waiting for the call of an encore.

"I love James," she said. There was a pause.

"So what? I do too," said Severus Snape, unimpressed. Several people would have nodded in agreement but then they quickly looked as Sirius and modified their sexual orientations appropriately.

"No, no, I mean, I love James. Me. Lily Evans. That means the story is over now," concluded Lily. "I mean, let's face it, this story sucks. It better be over now." And since it really did, it really was. The end.

Yeah…okay then. Just getting something off my chest that I keep running into… I love it when people intentionally mislabel their stories…