Disclaimer: I don't own them though I love them affectionately with most well not all but with bits and pieces of my swollen heart.

Author's Note: Well here it is finally. I'm almost done with it but I thought I would issue this first chapter. The whole thing might be a bit confusing. I'm playing it almost like a Memento theme. But when the end comes, you'll cry. Well maybe not but it will be good and most, or dare I say all confusion shall be lifted. Well here it is finally. Love me.

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She got out of bed feeling as though she had never slept. All night she had barely wavered into sleep. She hung amid the world of dreams and reality. Sleep it seemed had only existed to shatter her hopes as she constantly woke. How could she sleep after what had happened?

She stumbled into the bathroom. After washing her face she felt a little more awake. She looked at herself in the mirror.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" she said to the pale-faced vision in front of her.

Only the night before she had finally made her confession to him. Standing, ready to get onto the plane, just before she left him, she turned and told him. Now staring at the person before her she couldn't help but feel like a coward. She had told him at that moment, so he wouldn't have a chance to respond. As she had walked towards security, away where he couldn't follow, she had briefly kissed his check.

"I love you," she had whispered close to his ear. And then she was gone.

She hadn't the courage to see if he stumbled. She didn't want to hear him pause before he told her he didn't love her. She had nearly cried on the plane. By the time she was home she went straight to bed. But she hadn't slept.

How could she sleep? Had she ruined everything? Why had she been such a coward? Did he love her? Did he hate her? Could she ever dial his number again? Would he ever call her? Would he want to see her? What was she thinking? What the hell was she thinking?

She walked to her kitchen, barren, as she had left it weeks before. She had cried herself into the full awareness she now had. Standing in the barren shadows of her kitchen walls she realized if he didn't call she would be spending the rest of her life alone. Sad and alone. She would have to buy a cat, or maybe many cats. She would be a bag lady. One of those sad stories where they had found love, but never conquered it. She stood in her kitchen looking around. She never thought she could feel this lost standing in a room she new so well.

She found some instant oatmeal, added some water and put it in the microwave. She turned on the television and watched the news from her kitchen island.

"Polls show the President's approval ratings have fallen to 48 down from 55 only three weeks ago. Critics claim it is due to the recent events in Teresta and President Santos' lack of response. Just over three weeks ago terrorists in Teresta killed 200 civilians, and injured hundred of others. Nine Americans are dead after the insistent and twelve others are still in critical condition. President Santos has yet to..."

Somehow she drowned it out. Her trail of thought led her to several roads of misfortune. She faded into her mind not hearing the microwave beep repeatedly behind her or the television blare with political criticism. She merely stood in awe of her terrible thoughts, trapped.

Suddenly she shook herself from thought and managed to open the microwave and reach for her bowl.

"Owe!" she muttered and she pulled her fingers away quickly and blew on them. She looked at the bowl sitting comfortably on the microwave disc. She felt defeat.

She left her oatmeal to cool down, and went to the living room. She sat on her couch in front of her television. Vision of devastation stormed the screen. Teresta had been a terror attack to defeat all others. It had been devastation to the extreme, not only a holy war, or a political war, but a war on what was truly human nature. Several buildings had fallen down, two of which were schools. Video clips showed children running away as buildings blew up behind them.

A week ago she had known nothing about Teresta, now she knew too much. As she stared at the images that flashed before her she couldn't help but feel desensitized. It was an awful feeling she never thought she would experience. She never thought the faces of children crying would make her feel so little. She wanted to regain her innocence but she knew she never would.

She sat and wondered what Josh's options must be. Whatever he was doing she knew it was right. God she wished she had never gone to D.C. She wished now she had never waited to come home. She wanted to erase time, to stop herself from seeing Josh. She felt her stomach turn as she thought of the day he would have, and how she hadn't made it any easier.