Disclaimer: Don't own Red Drawf so aren't getting anything for writing this though some may think a straight jacket would be a good reward... You decide.
Ok, well here it is another product of me & Sian's wacky conversations and don't say I didn't warn you but if you want your brains to be tortured to death thats up to you - I'm just the slightly mental writer... Enjoy...
(I'm not sure if this is classed as not allowed or what but I'll post it and see if its kept or removed - it's a kinda script and does have the real ppl's names - but it's still all about the Drawf!)
Polymorph II – Emohawk Parody
-Ohhh look starting music! hums Theme Tune... Errr yeah-
Giant overview of the rickety old Starbug comes into focus – the string held model narrowly misses crashing into Rocket's camera
Chris: SCRAMBLE SCRAMBLE! I'M PISSING YOU BOTH OF BY YELLING IN YOUR EARS EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE BOTH REALLY AWAKE TO TELL YOU THE SCRIPT GUYS TOLD US TO DO AN EMERGENCY DRILL!"
Danny: We wish you would stop shouting as its really annoying and we know about the drill we're just gonna stay here anyway coz we'd rather have 5 minutes in bed than get up and go sit in those hard, cold plastic chairs especially as I'll have 2 hold the steering wheel and all the other equipment Craig keeps breaking.
Craig: I didn't learn my script very much but still magically manage to know all my lines so i'm just gonna lie hear and fantasise about breakfast as I've been up since dawn… oh my line… mmmm scrambled eggs bacon and beans!
Chris: Here I go telling you all these lies about Starbug been on fire and we're all gonna die… rather unusual that I'm lying.
Craig: we aren't moving as we're too lazy so just declare us dead and we'll join you in the cockpit to get blown up by real bad guys in a few hours time.
Bobby: Craig and Danny walk in and sit down while Chris does his nostril flare and acts all smug, I pretend I'm doing something important to all the flashy lights on the keyboard
Danny: I look cool as usual and warn everyone there's danger coming everyone doesn't believe me an Bobby asks if I may have been mistaken coz everyone knows I ain't bright! I'm proved right as we nearly get killed so we all bag a few woofers and I and flash my teeth in a shiny smile till I find out Craig's found another way to kill us anyway
Inset shot of dustbin lid been spun round and around the creaking model
Craig: we nearly all die but of course as it's not the end of the series everyone knows we'll be fine
(More dodgy special effects)
Bobby: Chris looks at the wrong monitor and we get hit, all the left over Christmas fire crackers are put to use and we do yet another crash into some dangerous planetoid – this time we land in mud but on the other hand the sound effects guys get to use their high pitched "Starbug falls through atmosphere and onto the planet's surface very quickly" noise.
Craig: I come in and pretend I've been doing work mending pumps or what ever my line was when really me and Danny had been getting in trouble with the director for something or other as usual.
Chris: I complain about the lack of professionalism and say a list of things wrong with the ship, I then help explain part of the plot that we have no oxygen to take off and we go deal with the GELFs.
Craig: I have a fight with long grass –
Danny: and looses!
Bobby: I keep getting hit in the face with the long grass after Craig's walked forward.
Chris: As usual nothing goes well for use so we enter the village almost expecting something to go wrong
Bobby: I talk crap but everyone pretends it GELF
GELF Guy: I also talk crap and am really hating this suit – it's making me feel hotter than one of the Sun's page 3 girls.
Craig: I do my Del Boy act and even though it's a 2 man job to lift the trunk I leave Danny to struggle alone to lift it.
Danny: we have a break while people change the sets and stuff – not that any of this was filmed in sequence.
Chris: We all sit in a comfy studio made to look like a crude cold hut while secretly laughing at the bad GELF costumes.
Danny: I ask what the dodgy slimy thing from the "Aliens" reject pile is and Bobby gives some complex answer I don't really pay attention to, I fall asleep for the rest of the scene and miss several lines.
GELF: We talk more crap and Lenny Henry thinks he'll get loads of acting parts now, though in actual fact no-one can tell which he is.
Lenny: I told you I'M THE ONE ON THE LEFT!
Craig: The Oxy kits brought in so just to be bloody obvious I tell everyone it has.
Bobby: I tell everyone the hut is a "Watunga" and the GELF's are ready to fix their price.
Craig: Even though it's obvious they want me I act really dumb – like anyone with a sense of smell would want my long johns!
Bobby: I explain they want him to marry the daughter though personally I think she could do better.
Danny: we all bicker and make stupid jokes.
Chris: No change there then.
Craig: Danny has a marry, get Oxy kit and scarper plan, knowing no-ones plans go right let alone his I say "Not a chance in hell!" but we all know what's gonna happen…
Chris: SCENE CHANGE!
Steve: I would have had a dress but I kept breaking them.
Craig: I pretend to suffocate then beg the others to drop in for a visit as I'm dragged over her shoulder…god she's strong…takes off GELF head oh hiya Steve.
Bobby: Me and Lenny do a stupid errr Foot shake and I take off with the O/G unit.
Craig: I try and get out of sex – I'm sure Steve's brilliant but he's just not my kind of GELF.
Steve: Come on darling we gotta think of the publicity – the Xclusive Interviews will be worth a fortune!
Craig: Your alright – I think I'll just go slip into something a little more comfortable – It's called Starbug… YES! Nailed it – Woofer in the bag – Wham Bam and thank you MAM!
Rocket: Errr Craig – You forgot to run…
Craig: Oh yeah! Runs out of hut
(Steph/ZK: Loosing the will to live now… Ooooh Lost!)
Chris: We move almost in slow motion to exit of village so Craig can catch up with the comedy run.
Craig: LEG IT!
Danny: We act stupid then do comedy run too. Well if we can't act better we might as well join in the joke – god knows we need the laughs!
Steve: We lost another one.
Lenny: Can't say I'm surprised – Oh look what where supposed to say is in subtitles!
Steve: WOW! What technology! Nudges Lenny
Lenny: Huh? Oh yeah! Lets go of rubber model Falls to floor
Rocket: Don't worry the Effects guys will sort it out.
Special Effects Guy: Just move the camera a bit Rocket, yeah like that then they can't see it fall.
Steve: What did I say – The wonders of technology!
Chris: So I said to the waiter –
Craig: Hey man we're on!
Chris: Huh? Oh yeah
Danny: I can smell the model… I mean the Emohawk.
Bobby: Oh yeah they really laid the rubber glue on hard this time huh?... I mean screams like a little girl
Danny: Oh look we're in danger of been killed by a shape shifting thing so I'll just pick up this giant stick… AGH IT'S THE STICK!...No it ain't…YES IT IS!
Craig: Will you MAKE UP YOUR MIND? I lost my hat!
Danny: We all know the Emohawk's the hat so we don't turn round even as we're told to stay on the case.
Bobby: Yeah and funny how we didn't realise we were all trodding on Craig's hat – it was soft and furry – like a chinchilla!
Craig: Even though it's obvious my hats the Emohawk I don't mention that my hats gone all cold and squelchy – funny as we had to stop filming to put it on my head…
Craig: right press shiny buttons and seal the doors – sorted! The door does a fancy air whooshing noise, I take my hat off and say the damn thing can't get in now – is it me or are we really stupid?
Danny: We're really stupid.
Craig: Ok – Just checking.
Chris: I ask a technical question about leaving GELF land being unusually kind as why should I care if the GELF's want their wedding present back I'm DEAD remember?
Craig: It would kill the show remember?
Chris: There is that… Oh well never mind I could live with myself
Danny: Yeah and let our characters not live at all!
Chris: A plan with no draw backs!
Craig: Yeah, yeah, yeah – You know it's us that carry this show – all you have to do is stand there and insult people – How easy do you think it is for me to get beaten up almost every episode? And what about Danny? It's taken him years to become so masterful at forgetting his cues and lines!
Danny: Yeah… Hey!
Chris: Ok, Ok. – bobby lets go to the cockpit and pretend to be doing something important – like driving this piece of green plastic while the Emohawk goes chicken and we get a planet close up as the SFX guys stretch the budget with takeoff noises and green sellatape to hold the model together as it keeps breaking off its string.
Bobby: They should buy stronger string.
Special Effects Guy: You'd think so, wouldn't ya?
Woman: Guys we need a retake the chicken won't jump!
Rocket: You tried poking it?
Woman: Yeah!
Danny: Got a toy fox to scare it?
Woman: Will Basil Brush do?
Chris: Rolls eyes Professional – ain't we?
Craig: Yep just oozing professionalism… where did I leave my script? ...
Bobby: Now the chickens flown I think we should go make ourselves scarce while the other two get attacked, right Craig?
Craig: Why not?
Chris: Danny even though we hate each other and are the weakest members of the crew lets stay here and wait to get picked off by the Emohawk that we all know is there.
Danny: … Shrugs shoulders Ok! … I'm just gonna make up a reason and go and get my emotions sucked – see ya!
Chris: Have a nice time, give my regards to Death… On second thoughts don't - Rimsy wasn't very popular with him on the journey down to hell.
Danny: Whatever man… Sees others leave, sniffs air and goes all Sherlock – Hands & knees style – enters kitchen Hmmm can of beans no-one opened – doesn't look suspicious AT ALL! gets sucked by Emohawk OWWW! You hit me in the eye you idiot!
Idiot: Sorry.
Everyone takes a break while a frog is put where the beans are then a paper aeroplane which after a million goes lands near Chris who throws it in the bin
Danny: Great now I've gotta do the rest of this episode looking like a dork! Opens cupboard and gets attacked by pots and pans OW! – We REALLY shouldn't make Craig do chores – it's PAINFUL! Damn Duane's hair is ITCHY!
Chris: What I heard noises? (Though it's obvious the Emohawk just got ya!)
Danny: I think everyone REALISES that Chris!
Chris: Ok, Ok, keep your teeth in!
Danny: Your not funny.
Chris: A lot of my fans would hurt you for that.
Danny: Rolls eyes Whatever… Blah blah blah, we do the jokes, Einstein here gets rid of our only gun and turns into a mop head from bay watch.
Chris: At least my alternate character looks cool!
Danny: At least mine doesn't have an ego the size of America… Oh look a stair climbing slinky!
Special Effects Guy: Hah! NOW your impressed!
Danny: I wouldn't go THAT far.
Special Effects Guy: DAMN!
Chris; Flings hair back Right well you go change outfits and have another half kilo of useless makeup plastered on by Andria Pennell while I go lock up Bobby Boy and Craig.
Danny: About time and all…
Craig: Unsurprised voice: Oh look we're locked in What ever could be happening?
Chris: Me and Dan just got hit by the Emohawk.
Bobby: Sarcastically No? REALLY? I never would have guessed it could have got in, in a million years!
Chris: So, we're just gonna die to save you two though it's kinda pointless as you're gonna be the hero's and the Emohawks gonna keep pissing us off, and we can't die anyway because:
Craig/Chris/Bobby/Danny: It's not the end of the series!
Chris: cough Yes well, smoke me a kipper and all that malarkey, lets cut have a cuppa than film the opening scene cough I mean the next scene after lunch…
Danny: Right here goes: Messes up Duane list damn does rewind motion… Damn.
Chris: Something tells me this may take a while…
Danny: YES! Finally!
Chris: #My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why, I came into work at all#
Danny: Oh haha, don't make a habit of singing – some of us want to KEEP our hearing!
Chris: At least youdon't have to watch yourself mess up the lines and therefore haven't lost the will to live! The two stare evilly then grin at each other
Chris: You just stand there and I'll pretend to be about to kill you while we hang around looking stupid for a few seconds waiting for the others to turn up.
Danny: Right… Could you say that again – I weren't listening.
Chris: Ahhh the good old days!
Mini explosion
Craig: Hiya guys, we had to wait till they let off the dodgy Catherine Wheels but here we are! Lets talk about killing it for a bit and I say we freeze it with Liquid… something.
Bobby: We go down and shoot at everything that moves – though as all that comes out of the bazookoids are little clicks with the effects added after –
Special Effects Guy: SEE! We ARE useful! looks smug
Bobby: Errr yeah, anyway we don't do much damage.
Danny: I then find another thermos and pick it up – Even though it's obviously gonna be the Emohawk, I have a fight with the rubber thing for a moment then chuck it like a girl when it turns into a grenade.
Chris: As Danny doesn't run and I'm all suave and sophisticated like 007 I jump on top of I and save everyone. I get to be smug with cause for once – Not that I gloat or anything. Others nod heads to disagree
Danny: And I get to end the episode by freezing you all!
Craig: No Smegi-… Danny grins taps them all on head and goes to back to make up to get De-Duane-ed
-Ohhh ending music!-
#It's cold outside there's no kinda atmosphere,
I'm all alone, more or less,
Let me fly far away from here,
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.
I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose,
Drinking fresh mango juice,
Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes,
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun,
Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun.#
-Bangs hands on desk in tune to final theme tune notes.-