Disclaimer: Don't own FFVII, or any of its characters...

Warning: Yaoi. Not enough to make you sick, but just enough to get a flame for. Well, maybe you will be sick. . .

Rufus/Reno...because... I can. Bla.

Helpless Thoughts

-0-

I'm your servant huh? That's what you always told me. I work for you, I live for you, and I better be damn ready to die for you. I was, you know. I would have gladly died for you, but I wasn't given the chance. I'm too fucking stupid sometimes. I could have saved you.

Then again, I was only good for two things right? Fighting and fucking. I was nothing to truly care about, just another useless guard, play thing really. Or was I? You were quite the complex puzzle, and I desperately tried to solve it.

Mr. Rufus ShinRa, what used to lie beneath your carefully constructed mask? It was such a chore just to get you to smile, and a laugh was even rarer. I really tried though, so hard and once, I even got you to grin.

Nah, you smiled. I remember all the smiles, one for everything you had goin' on. One for a business meeting that needed your attention, one for when something went your way, something horrible, and one...

One for when we just had sex. Although it had to be somewhere dangerous, somewhere we could get found. Like, the table your meetings were held with the door unlocked, or the public bathroom. I knew you hated the grim on the sink though by the way you turned up your evenly curved nose.

In front of the public, you were a brick wall. Nothing fazed you and it was fucking weird to see you when we were ...together. Your eyes especially, how they turned from iceberg or freezing water was beyond me and maybe it was kind of beautiful and exciting.

When you touched me, it was electrifying but at the same time, I felt completely worthless. I was just gutter trash that crawled from the darkness into the clean, crisp air of light. But sometimes, I think you felt that way too, and I had no idea why...

Until I fell over your journal while I was collecting my clothes. You were asleep and that made me feel better because if you knew I found it, you would have slaughtered me; accident or not.

I know I had no right to take it to the living room and read it. But I did, and for the first time, I thought I had something in common with you...not just you, with a person in general.

It was a new world to me, your thoughts and desires and everything you wrote seemed to flow together and express something beautiful or grotesque. I had never expected something replaceable like me in your journal but I came to find many pages filled with gorgeous words of something akin to acceptance and liking. . . maybe even a hint of love although you never wrote it. It made me feel special, like I was someone in your eyes. You also wrote about your disgust for your farther in explicit details, leaving nothing but hatred and cruel, sadistic thoughts about him. I nearly threw up as you explained many ways to...dispose of him. I read a passage about two times because it was just so fucking horrifically astonishing...

Yes, his execution would not be fast or painless. Must involve blood, lots of blood, staining everything in the room. His body must be fed to something that eats flesh, and sharp claws is a nice necessity. I want a public display as well, and Reno will be at my side. I'll take him in front of everyone, in front of my father's dying corpse. Tseng will throw the left over parts of his body to the crowd, and they will all cheer and laugh. . .

I wish I didn't fall asleep with it wide fucking open on the coffee table. Yeah, wasn't very smart on my part. In the morning, your voice was so shrill, I thought you were gonna try and kill me by making my ears bleed. I had to run with half my clothes on and dodge all the shit you threw at me too, cursing and snarling like maniac. I'll never forget...

That was the first time you cried too. I didn't come back for an entire week (nearly killed me!) and when I finally got up enough courage to knock on your door, you where there in a heartbeat, glaring at me with those icy eyes and I almost recoiled. You pulled me in so fast I got whip lash, lips connected to mine and I think it was the sweetest kiss we ever shared, the hottest by far.

That night, you held me so close I could barely breathe, and when I looked up, I saw something small and silver slide down your angled face, right down to your chin and off into the crisp sheets. I swear to this day it was a tear but I never questioned you on it. Mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like an apology, you fell asleep while the soft moonlight from the four overly large windows caressed your face.

Beautiful.

I almost cried for you as well.

I am now, that you're dead. I miss you, although I don't want to admit it. I. . . I loved you, and I don't want to admit that either. I know what'll happen if I do.

Maybe, maybe in some way, you loved me too. I'd like to believe that. Our relationship couldn't have meant nothing, because the way you looked at me sometimes, the way you kissed me, the way. . .

The way you smiled.

It was love.

-0-

The end of this one shot, review?