Set On Repeat

I wrote this when Writer's Block claimed me once again. Besides, I really had this idea stuck in my head for a while. I'll still be updating LITL as much as possible, so don't sue me.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything that is copy righted below.

Chapter One: Scared of You

My eyes were glued to the door, as it continued to bang against its hinges. A chair had been propped against it, helping somewhat, but useless to do anything to block out the voices that I heard. "SASUKE! GOD DAMMIT, SASUKE!"

I got up from the seat on my bed, and made my way over to the radio, turning it on and shifting to a random CD. When it began playing, I spun the dial as far right as it would go, and set my head against one of the speakers. My brain went frozen, but I couldn't hear themanymore. That was what I wanted. Maybe if I went deaf then I'd never have to listen to them again…

But then I'd never be able to hear you, Gaara. I'd never get to enjoy that second of peace, when your voice fills the air, even if the words hurt me. It's like a moment of serenity that clears away everything I have to face. The words… The glares… The whispers… It's all piling up, Gaara. And you're not there to take it down. Is there any way I can convince you? Is there any way I can make you see? See that I'm not just a crazy fan out there, and that I really am in love with you?

It all seems helpless. Like I'm just some lovesick puppy chasing its tail. It all seems stupid. I just want you to understand.

Eventually the world drowns out. I stretch out on my dark blue, silk bed, squeezing my eyes shut as the first tears push past. The music blares loudly, but I can focus on you so much more clearly this way. I can just see your grim look as I stand before you, your eyes half lidded and smile upside down.

I drift into a dark state of unconsciousness. A place where I can hug you without being pushed away, a place where I can kiss you without being scowled at, and a place where I can watch you without getting chills.

I know you know I'm there. But can you really see me?

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I flinch as the door creaks open early the next morning. I'm already awake, cursed reflexes, and am quickly wiping at my blurry eyes. Someone, who greatly resembles a Goth me from another dimension, is standing there. He has his black hair pulled back, onyx eyes sparkling with weakly hidden emotion.

"The sun's rising." And he leaves; in the time it takes me to blink.

I sit up, feeling the lead sink down into my stomach. Every morning, every day, that feeling sinks inside of me, because every morning, every day, I see you. Crawling out of my shell, I change, my limbs feeling ten tons heavier. Running the brush through my hair quickly, my eyes are drawn down to the used eyeliner pencil. Is it okay, to have found something of yours, and kept it? I didn't dare use it. What if you recognized it somehow? I mean, you're like that, Gaara. You observe instead of obtain.

The light out in the hallway burns into my dilated eyes, and I wince. Put one foot in front of the other…keep moving… Think of something positive… Try and be optimistic… Who can I think of…who can I trust?

Kitchen table; empty again. I dig an apple from the frigid depths of almost nonexistent food-topia. I wonder if they will ever decide to eat at home again. Pulling a few twenties from my mom's graciously provided purse (Stealing? Yeah. For good cause? Definitely.) and shove it into my pocket. I'm sure she'll be able to replace that small amount within a couple of hours. My elder clone does the same, but took the time to pick and place everything back the way it was.

I never got a ride with him, no matter how treacherous the weather may be. It would be way to awkward, me being me, and him being him. So I got a ride with the next best thing.

The large yellow bus pulled up, smoke rolling out behind it. Picking an empty seat somewhere around the middle, I kept my backpack next to me. It's not like anyone would sit next to me anyway.

My forehead rested against the chilled window to my left, eyes shut and mind throbbing painfully. Fifty minutes, and counting…

We reached school, eventually. I stepped onto the pavement that stretched out at the entrance. My clouded eyes started at the left, and flew to the right, scanning and watching. Are either of them here yet? The question went unanswered, until someone slipped their hand into mine, and gently pulled me forward. I snapped my head up, and a smile tugged at my lips. It was one of them; thank every Lord there is. It was Sakura, my one and only friend in reality.

Her dyed hair was a little messy today, the liner she traced under her eyes a little smudged, and her strange attire not quite screaming "different" today. My dear friend, Sakura Haruno. She held me up above the lapping water that waited earnestly to consume me, and never once did she abandon me. Even if I did bend a different direction then she wished for.

I tugged at the pink fishnet sleeves that encased her arms, and she turned to me, eyes shining. "Sasuke, hey. Are you okay? You look a little tired." I was tired. I am tired. I will always be tired.

But I cannot share that. I cannot share the fact I only eat when my stomach is ripping itself apart. That would ruin everything, and Sakura would be forced to come to my rescue. Again. I didn't want to stand in her way, I didn't want to pull her down, so instead I stepped aside, I lifted the weight, and watched from afar.

Something that could also be stacked against Gaara, my growing crush. I watched him from far off, face frozen in the fake emotion of serenity.

"I'm fine, don't worry." Her dark pants matched with her sketchy sleeves and shockingly bright shirt today. It was odd, since Sakura loved to mismatch the prep style with the Goth style, the punk style with the just plain clueless style. I was curious as to what made this happen. She wasn't bland, to put it simply. Cower in fear, you stereotype citizens of lameness. This brought a smile to my face as I continued musing. She gave me a confused and questioning look. "Clothes?" I asked. We knew each other so well I didn't even have to say full sentences.

A shrug and answer, "Couldn't really find the energy to drink coffee this morning." I chuckled lightly at her joke. She always did find a way to cheer me up.

"Hey, Sakura?" She nodded, signaling me to continue. "What can I do?" I know she knows what this meant.

A look of determination crossed her delicate features. "Keep trying! Don't give up! It'll all work out, Sasuke!" That smile of hope was brought to both of us.

I'll try. I'll try till the day the world dies. Which may be soon, considering how horrible things were now.

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Later…

Let's play a game, Gaara. In simplest terms, it's called a "Staring Contest." Whoever turns away first gets to run away without a scar to the heart. I always lose, don't I? But I must try, for your sake. Right? Keep trying; don't give up, it'll work out. I sure hope so.

My burning eyes catch your mint ones. You'd think you'd be the one to melt my fiery gaze. Then why do I feel so weak under your heavy stare?

Our little contest is interrupted; I am shoved into a locker. Pain stitched up and settled on my shoulder. The football junkies laughed heartily in low, puberty-stricken voices. I scowl, eyes narrowed with liquid pure hatred. Is this all I am to the world? A little stuffed animal that is hated and meant to be kicked around?

I love you so much that it's almost unbearable. Why can't I just hate you, like most of the other people do? You're a freak, and you know it. That little smirk you pass to bystanders, that little flash of malice that drips into your eyes, and the cloud of darkness you pull in tow behind you is enough to bring down giant concrete walls. It's like you want fights to start on your behalf. "Kill the freak! Rip out his nonexistent heart!"

You have a heart, everyone does. Now the question is, do you have a soul? And can you share that soul with me, so that I won't be alone? Of course you can! But will you? Please, I beg you, don't leave me in the shadows. The light bulb on the ceiling finally died, can you fix it? There might be a spare around here. Can you look for it? I know you can see diamond clear in the darkness, so help me out, please?

A sob choked at my throat. I felt the tears blur my already blurry vision. You've left the hallway by now, leaving unanswered questions in your wake. I sink to the ground; knees dig into my eye sockets as I try furiously to restrain the flow of tears. I wrap myself in a small bundle of depression, wishing it all away.

I want to know why. I want to so bad it's killing me.

Why did I have to do what I did our seventh year? Why did I have to sit with you during lunch period? Why did I have to make you stay? Why did I have to pull you forward? Why did I have to kiss you?

And why did you push me away?

Because you don't share that blackness that has engulfed my heart. You don't have that knowledge wasting away inside your mind. The pain and sadness and loneliness. And yet you can't speak words that will express what you really feel. Am I right? Yeah, and you can't tell me that you hate me, and you can't tell me that you love me. Because you don't. You don't hate me, and you don't love me.

Or, at least, that's what my mind has come to believe.

Will you ever tell me the truth, and nothing but the truth? That is so unlikely it makes my empty stomach churn.

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The next day at school passed at top speed, then cranked down to five miles an hour near the end. I saw Gaara, in a hallway that led to the bus loop. He ran a pale hand through his frazzled hair, causing the end of his shirt to pull up a few inches, revealing a bit of his skin around the waist. I shivered. This was so pathetic.

Maybe he'll speak today. Maybe he won't.

Bracing myself for the very worst, I started forward and did something that will go down in history. It will, won't it? I should get Sakura to write a book called, "All Mistakes Sasuke Uchiha Has Ever Done" and have it published. It would probably get on the best selling list, too.

I tripped on the smooth tile ground, is what I did. Funny how there are those moments where you feel time slow down to a very sluggish pace during climactic parts in your life and/or books and movies.

Gaara, don't turn around, keep walking; I don't want to fall on you, yet that is evident and most likely going to happen. He does turn though, eyes opening wide with confusion. I fall against, on, atop him. We fall back a few feet, thankfully still standing, but since he was so much shorted and frailer then me, his knees buckle.

"CRAP!" He bites back more profanity.

I flinch, hearing the painful thud of skull on tile. He is underneath me at the moment.

I'm sorry. I am unable to function properly right now, so please leave a message and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I recover. Thank you.

My lip is bleeding, teeth having cut it open. Seems my bracing myself for the worst possibility wasn't enough, my heart is racing and my mind is clouded. I dig my palms into the ground by the sides of his head, and stare down at him in horror.

Fate hates my freaking guts, and it seems I haven't had enough humility. You know why? Because the blood that had swelled behind my bottom lip is growing and cannot be contained. I could swallow, would that work? A trickle escapes from the corner of my mouth and smoothly slides down. At first I'm afraid it was going to drip and fall on Gaara's face. But it doesn't, which I'm slightly happy for. Instead it cakes and dries around my lip and on my chin.

Gaara's eyes are so wide right now that I can examine every inch of their green interior. Usually he has his eyes narrowed or he's half asleep so his eyelids are heavy, but not now. Now they're open and free for my own dark eyes to search down to the soul.

I see anger covered by confusion, I see hurt and rage, but worst of all, I see fear. It shakes me to the core, and I leap off of him, face flushed and embarrassed. "I am so sorry." Turning, I run down the hall and out the door to see if I have missed the bus yet. I mean, it was probably fifteen minutes that was spent on the ground staring at the boy I can't have. I can't have him, can I?

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None other then Itachi was using the phone when I slammed the front door shut. He was talking to one of his friends, if I'm not mistaken their name was Sasori, but I could only make out some of the ending conversation as they both quickly said bye.

"Wednesday (that was two days from now), ten o'clock, Cutters Edge and Leering Avenue, got it? Okay, see you later Sasori. All right. Bye." The phone clicked to show it had been set properly upon the receiver. "Hurry and find a strong chair, Sasuke. They'll be home within the hour."

"I need the phone. Now." Grabbing one of the cordless ones, I dashed upstairs and didn't even bother to really check if the door was open to my room. I threw it open, and equally threw it shut. Locking the handle carefully, I tossed my tired body over my bed and dialed the seven-digit number with memorized speed.

"Sasuke, what's up—"

"Sakura? Oh thank god you answered. I need help…" Gingerly I touched my bruised lip.

"What's wrong?" Her voice was soft.

"Something happened in the hallways today… I…tripped and…fell…"

"On…him?" It was as though she could read my mind. I gave no hearable answer, but she understood. "Did he immediately push you off? Or were you the one to get off of him first?" Why was she asking that, of all things?

"I…did…eventually…" My cheeks were stained pink, but it wasn't as though she could see me. It wasn't as though anyone could see me.

"Oh. Well see! That means he probably liked you laying on him! You do have a chance Sasuke!"

"I'm stronger then him… He couldn't push me off if he wanted to…" I muttered sadly.

Silence on the other end. Then, "I have a plan."

"And what's that?"

"Don't hate me, but…"

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Next Day At School...

"Oh my god! Did you hear the news! Sasuke and Sakura are like, a couple now! Can you believe it? I thought Sasuke was a like, a homo!"

"It is so shocking! Yeah I know! I always thought Sasuke liked the freak, Gaara! I practically like passed out when I heard it! Sasuke and Sakura? I always knew she'd weasel him into dating her!"

"Akimi told me that, like, she's just his cover up! She said that he really is gay and that Sakura is just there to be his shield and get him friends again!"

"That's so pathetic! He could do way better then her and the freak. What is wrong with him? Has the world gone insane?"

"Remember what he did in seventh grade? He practically tongued Gaara! Well, it seemed that way. But still! That was just awful! I couldn't speak for a whole day!"

"And then Gaara pushed him away, right? I can't believe the hottest guy in school could stoop that low! But Gaara… Man, he has some issues!"

Rumors are the dirt of the world.

"Sakura…" My voice cracked and I squeezed my hand tighter around hers. She gave me a comforting look, then turned back around, gently taking her hand out of my grip. Her black, calf high boots scraped across the ground, purple stockings clashing loudly. Pink locks of hair fell loosely around her face and half way down the back of her black shirt that stopped at the edge of her dark purple skirt. A variety of many colored bracelets stacked from her wrists to her elbows, very bright yet appealing. She was a splash of color in the sea of black and white.

Taking in a shaky breath, I treaded all alone down the crowded hallways. A snicker broke past the murmurs, belonging to a certain blonde haired kid who I use to admire because of his strong soul that never broke. But now, I envied him for his peace, solitude, and the fact he had an okay life. Why he hated me? Well that was simply because we were rivals.

With my back to yesterday, I walked into today. The chilled air of the school brought goosebumps to my arms. How long until I run into the one I want to see? How long until I can tell him that I haven't abandoned him? How long until the clouds pull back and reveal the sunlight?

End of Chapter One

Next chapter; a look into Gaara's mind on the situation. Oh and warning, it is a lot more angsty.