Niklas "Hawk" Jonsson
Summary: When Ranma finds himself in need of knowledge in matters sexual, he turns to the one person he knows that he can buy that from, as well as her silence on the matter...
Disclaimer: Ranma ½, the characters and whatnot are not mine, though I certainly wish they were! The story is mine though, all mine. This series deals with mature subject matters and violence. If this disturbs you, don't read. But if it does, then why the heck are you watching the show/reading the manga in the first place?
Feedback/Flames: Yes, please. Both of them are equally fun to read, although I must admit that I greatly prefer the first variety. :)
I can be found on ICQ as 21771860 or through e-mail as iamhawk at yahoo dot com, more stories are available at my nifty lil' site at hawksgalaxy dot com or by clicking on my handle up above if you're reading this on fanfiction dot net.
"speech"
emphasis/shouts/Kindred Domination/post-hypnotic triggers
/thoughts/
/telepathy/
translation
+soundeffect/radio/telephone conversation/TV+
knock+knock+knock+
Ranma didn't know wheatear to laugh or fall into a depression of Ryoga-like magnitude as he realized that those three little knocks had worried him more then just about anything he'd ever faced so far in his life. For someone who had fought against opponents of all kinds, met ghosts, banished demons, faced cats and even eaten Akane's cooking, it hardly seemed possible that three simple knocks on a plain old wooden door could be so fearsome.
Of course, the scary part wasn't in the actual physical act of knocking. What very nearly scared the pants off him was what would result from of knocking on just mentioned door. Ranma swallowed nervously, wondering which prospect was most scary.
The knocks being answered by the rooms owner and him having to deal with the situation, was indeed a very scary prospect.
The person to whom the room belonged to being absent and unable to answer the door, was quite possibly an even scarier prospect. Because that might force him into doing this again sometime, unless he chickened out and changed his mind about the reason for him being here in the first place, knocking on this particular door.
"Its open." a female voice informed him from the other side of the door in a disinterested and absentminded voice.
/Damn./ he thought and wiped a few beads of sweat off his forehead with the back of his left hand.
Now he had to do something. Open the door, close it, calmly explain the situation to the person on the other side and then make his request was what he had planned to do.
However, the Saotome Secret Technique was starting to sound very tempting.
/No. I have to do this./ Ranma decided. /I mustn't run away./ he mentally resolved and thus caused a whole slew of Ikari Shinji's in other timelines to sneeze and wonder who was talking him down behind his back. Decision made, Ranma steeled his resolve and opened the door, walking into Nabiki's room. He closed the door behind him and, after a moment to consider the delicacy of the matter he was about to bring up, locked it behind him.
Click+
At the unexpected noise, Nabiki swivelled her head around in surprise. As Ranma entered the room, she'd been lying on her bed, feet waving back and forth in the air as she had her head buried in a manga resting on one of her pillows. As she saw Ranma standing there, leaning against the door, the locked door, both her eyebrows rose.
At first, she worried that she might have finally done something which pushed him over the edge and that he was here to extract some sort of horrible revenge, but that notion nearly made her laugh out loud. The eternal Boy Scout would never do something like that, the very notion was ludicrous beyond belief. Pigtail boy might resort to pranks that didn't have a chance in Yomi of actually succeeding, but getting violent for revenge just wasn't like him. At least not towards a girl.
The notion that he was here to do something perverted to her did cross her mind for a split second, but that was nearly as unbelievable as him being here for revenge. The idea of him being sexually aggressive in any way, shape or manner, was just as ludicrous as Ryoga being reasonable in matters pertaining to Ranma.
Unless he was under the influence of some weird drug. But he seemed somewhat rational, for Ranma, if a bit paranoid. His eyes didn't look weirder then usual and although his breathing patterns were a bit higher then usual, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary when it came to dealing with her.
She hadn't swindled any cash off him yet this week, she hadn't sold any particularly juicy pictures or secrets lately and no birthdays were coming up in the near future.
/So what the hell does he want with me/ Nabiki wondered, somewhat irked at the fact that she couldn't figure out the reason for him being there before being told about it.
"Well, well, Saotome..." Nabiki drawled and put a pencil in the manga to mark where she'd stopped reading, before she placed the comic on her nightstand and sat up in her bed. If Ranma came to her on his own and decided to lock the door behind him, something serious was going on and that deserved her complete attention. "What can I do for you?"
/Oh Kami/ Ranma thought as he felt his mental resolve wavering.
Could he do this? He'd thought so, he'd taken nearly two weeks to work up the courage for this. But now he wasn't all that sure that he could go through with it any more. She'd always seemed to know what he wanted before, why oh why couldn't she this time as well?
"Ah... Heh... I... Hrm... Heh... I..." he stuttered, twiddling his fingers nervously as he struggled to find the words to express what he wanted.
"Eloquent, Saotome." Nabiki observed with a wry smile. "Now you've got me really curious." she admitted.
"You... Ah... Sometimes you... Get things..." Ranma started, swallowed and closed his eyes for a few moments. "Sometimes you procure things for others, do you not?" he managed to get out without stuttering. Nabiki's eyebrows rose again, she hadn't even been aware that Ranma knew words like 'procure' and since he already knew the answer to that question, why ask it in the first place?
"Yeeeees?" she eventually responded as it was clear that he was actually expecting her to answer his question.
"I was... Eh... I... Heh, heh... I was... Wondering... If... Ah... Eh..." Ranma stuttered forth, then just blurted out his question. "IfyougotapornomoviethatIcouldbuy?"
Nabiki blinked.
Nabiki blinked again.
'Come again?' was a very tempting statement to make, as she had a hard time believing what she'd just heard. But her hearing was perfect and she never misunderstood what people said. Besides, the furiously red cheeks and Ranma's complete failure to meet her eyes, was proof enough that he'd actually said what she thought he had. He actually wondered if she had a porno movie that he could buy off her.
Nabiki smiled.
Nabiki grinned.
Nabiki smirked.
"I think something can be arranged, Saotome." she responded with a very bemused expression as she studied the furiously blushing Martial Artist in front of her. "The question is, why would you want one? With two fiancées of varying degrees of cuteness in town, an Amazon wife and a deranged gymnast all wying for your affections, one would think that you'd get enough action that watching porno movies wouldn't have any appeal." she added teasingly, knowing fully well that no such things were going on. Had the man in front of her been any other heterosexual teenaged boy, it'd be a sure thing though.
But Ranma was nearly as hopeless at handling girls as Ryoga was! She was half-way convinced that the only way for any of the girls to get a romp in the sack with Ranma would be for the lucky girl to resort to Kodachi-like pharmaceutical tactics in order to prevent Ranma from running screaming from the scene at the first hint of intimacy.
Considering his incredible talent for getting girls to fall in love with him, his utter ineptitude in knowing what to do about them once they were hooked on him, was one of the great jokes of the universe. No doubt some Kami or other got a good laugh out of it, or perhaps Genma had simply wronged some demon at one time or another.
"So, why would you want one?" Nabiki repeated, smirking at the still blushing Martial Artist.
"Ah... Study..." Ranma muttered.
"What?" Nabiki inquired, just barely having heard what her future brother-in-law was muttering despite her perfect hearing.
"To study." Ranma sighed, terribly embarrassed, but resigned to the situation now. It couldn't very well get any more embarrassing then this. "I got tired of not knowing what the big deal about sex is supposed to be, so I borrowed a few books from the library about it. They were boring as hell and I still don't get it, so I figured I'd try watching a movie about it."
"Eh?" Nabiki exclaimed, staring in bewilderment at Ranma. "You don't... Don't know..." she got out, then shut up and studied Ranma in silence for a few moments. "You... You don't know about sex?" she inquired.
"I know more now, then I used to do. Still don't see what the big deal is, though." he responded, then flinched at her disbelieving expression. "What? You've seen my father, you know how he is! Can you really picture him trying to teach me anything about it? I've been on the road more or less constantly for ten years before coming here. We didn't have Sex Ed in school during the few times I attended. Where would I have learned about it before now?" he explained heatedly, but did so while keeping his voice down none the less.
Actually admitting to ignorance in any area irked him, but this was a seriously embarrassing thing to be ignorant about, so caution was of the utmost importance. If anyone else found out about this, he'd never hear the end of it! At least he could count on Nabiki to stay silent once he'd bought her silence, expensive as it may be to buy that silence.
"But... You've got four main contestants vying for your hand in marriage and Genma only knows how many more are running around out there somewhere! Well above half of Furinkan High's female population and the lions share of the male population are drooling over at least one of your forms and you don't know anything about sex!" Nabiki exclaimed.
"TSSSHHH! Keep it down, will ya?" Ranma hissed. "Like I said, where would I have picked that up before now? Despite what Daisuke thinks, I have never had to participate in any Martial Arts Love-Making challenges and pops certainly never mentioned anything about it. After all, 'Girls are a distraction, boy. Girls can't be good Martial Artists and if you stick around them for too long, they might start to rub off on you.'. And I sure know that Shampoo tries her best to do that! Rubbing off, that is."
"Oh boy." Nabiki remarked, blinking several times as she stared owlishly at empty space, then tilted her head as she considered Ranma. "But if that's how you were taught, how on earth did he expect you to ever go through with the engagement and future marriage, the joining of the schools that he's so hot on?"
"You know pops, it probably never crossed his mind that it would become a problem down the line." Ranma sighed. "Confused the heck outta me the first time I heard about it, I can tell ya that! He'd been warning me away from girls all my life and then he wanted me to marry one all of a sudden? I figured that maybe because I was half-girl, he didn't think things could get any worse and that I might at the very least be able to squeeze out a grandson for him to train in my place."
"No wonder you were so shell-shocked at the time." Nabiki commented, then grinned. "Of course, things haven't improved noticeably since then." she couldn't help but add, to Ranma's ever growing embarrassment. What surprised him was how suddenly she stopped chuckling in wry amusement, slowly getting a horrified look on her face before she shuddered and buried her face in her hands. "Oh..." she mumbled under her breath.
"What? What did I do now? What's wrong, Nabiki?" he asked suspiciously, wondering if she might not be trying some sort of stunt on him now, something that would make this an even more expensive affair then he'd suspected. She looked up at him and for a few moments, he thought there might be some actual emotions being displayed, before Nabiki reassumed her normal emotionless masque.
Or close to normal, at any rate. Ranma could see how unusually hard it was for Nabiki to maintain it, despite her best efforts to conceal it.
"I just realized just how many unfair accusations have been levelled against you in the past." she replied. "All those 'perverts', 'Happosai Light' and whatnot. There were no grounds whatsoever for those accusations, were there? I always knew you were nearly Ryoga-like in your naivety, but I never imagined... Well, this! That you were a complete innocent! I just figured that the boy, who after just having come into our lives looked up Akane's skirt and commented upon her panties without batting an eye, had to be more experienced then you've always seemed to be."
"Hey! You'd look too, if you landed like I did. It's not like I had a choice, she was just... Right there! Right where I was looking. I could not not see what I saw!" Ranma muttered.
"Yeah, I realize that now." Nabiki said in a subdued voice, then grinned. "Well, Saotome. You're in luck, because Sensei Tendo Nabiki is on the case! I'll soon instil a healthy and normal amount of pervertedness in you, just you wait!" she proclaimed, stood up and suddenly held one of those damnable microphones that seemed to appear from out of nowhere whenever a Tendo wanted to make an important announcement.
Not wanting her to air whatever it was she was going to say all over the house, Ranma hurled himself at her and snatched the microphone out of her hands, knocking them both down onto her bed in a mess of legs and arms.
Oufff! Ranma! Way to go, you're a much faster learner then I thought! I might have you up to normal perverted speed sooner then I thought.+ the unmistakable voice of one Tendo Nabiki exclaimed from the loudspeakers in the living room.
Ow! Nabiki! Sorry+ That one definitively belonged to Ranma.
Gentle, Ranma-baby. Those are attached, you know. You're a woman from time to time, you should know better then to handle my babies that roughly. Or perhaps you're one of those women who gets off on that sort of thing+
Ack! Sorry! MisstakehonestlyIdidn'tmeantosorrysorrysorry+
Anyways, you shouldn't just go for the goods right off the bat like that. Take your time, try a few kisses, a little hugging and caress a few other parts of the girls body instead of going right for the gold like that.+
I said I was sorry. I didn't mean to grab anything on ya! I was just trying to get the bloody microphone before ya could say something emba... Oh oh... Is this thing on+
"RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA!" Akane bellowed from the living room, where she'd now become the centre of attention as her father, her oldest sister and Mr Saotome were staring at her as they all listened to the voices over the speaker system.
Tomboy, 9,8 on the Richter. Yep, it's on. I'm dead.+
"RANMA IS CHEATING ON AKANE. OH, WOE IS ME. MY LITTLE GIRL IS BEING CHEATED UPON! THE SCHOOLS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE JOINED+ came another wail from the living room, this time from the Tendo patriarch.
And Bi-pedal Fountain Man joins the fray, I'd say 7,5.+ Ranma's voice commented. +Better get that tanker truck over here again to haul off the tears.+
"WAIT! HE'S CHEATING ON MY LITTLE GIRL WITH ONE OF MY OTHER LITTLE GIRLS! THE SCHOOLS WILL BE JOINED AFTER ALL" Soun added as another notion struck him, changing his sad tears to happy ones.
And thus started Saotome Ranmas stint of sex education under sensei Tendo Nabiki, a period of time known all over Nerima and the surrounding wards as 'The Greater Nerima Ruckus'. Considering just how chaotic Nerima usually was, that was saying quite a lot!
The End! ( For now... )