Sex Ed with Sensei Tendo Nabiki R
Niklas "Hawk"
Jonsson
Summary: When Ranma finds himself in need of knowledge in matters sexual, he turns to the one person he knows that he can buy that from, as well as her silence on the matter...
Disclaimer: Ranma ½, the characters and whatnot are not mine, though I certainly wish they were! The story is mine though, all mine. This series deals with mature subject matters and violence. If this disturbs you, don't read. But if it does, then why the heck are you watching the show/reading the manga in the first place?
Feedback/Flames: Yes, please. Both of them are equally
fun to read, although I must admit that I greatly prefer the first
variety. :)
I can be found on ICQ as 21771860 or through e-mail as
iamhawk at yahoo dot com, more stories are available at my nifty lil'
site at hawksgalaxy dot com or by clicking on my handle up above if
you're reading this on fanfiction dot
net.
"speech"
emphasis/shouts/Kindred
Domination/post-hypnotic
triggers
/thoughts/
/telepathy/
translation
+soundeffect/radio/telephone
conversation/TV+
Previously, on 'Sex Ed with Sensei Tendo Nabiki'
"RRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Akane bellowed from the living room, where she'd now become the centre of attention as her father, her oldest sister and Mr Saotome were staring at her as they all listened to the voices over the speaker system.
+Tomboy, 9,8 on the Richter. Yep, it's on. I'm dead.+
"RANMA IS CHEATING ON AKANE. OH, WOE IS ME. MY LITTLE GIRL IS BEING CHEATED UPON! THE SCHOOLS ARE NEVER GOING TO BE JOINED!+ came another wail from the living room, this time from the Tendo patriarch.
+And Bi-pedal Fountain Man joins the fray, I'd say 7,5.+ Ranma's voice commented. +Better get that tanker truck over here again to haul off the tears.+
"WAIT! HE'S CHEATING ON MY LITTLE GIRL WITH ONE OF MY OTHER LITTLE GIRLS! THE SCHOOLS WILL BE JOINED AFTER ALL!" Soun added as another notion struck him, changing his sad tears to happy ones.
And thus started Saotome Ranmas stint of sex education under sensei Tendo Nabiki, a period of time known all over Nerima and the surrounding wards as 'The Greater Nerima Ruckus'. Considering just how chaotic Nerima usually was, that was saying quite a lot!
Roll credits
Chapter Two:
"Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow."
Ranma grunted with every step as he limped back towards the Tendo Dojo, rubbing his jaw with his left hand due to the fact that his right was busy holding on to the primitive crutch Ranma had made by bending a street sign into a suitable shape.
The only thing that could have made it worse was if he'd been in his cursed form, but thankfully, he hadn't been splashed.
Yet.
"That is it! I'm never asking anybody about sex ever again!" Ranma snapped to himself. "Violent tomboy..." he muttered under his breath.
"What a shame. You're such a strapping lad too." a young prostitute sighed before she sucked down on a glowing cigarette on the street outside the establishment where she worked.
"What? Shame? Huh?" Ranma asked, glancing over at the girl, his eyes widening at the extremely revealing clothes she was wearing.
"For someone like you to lose interest in sex." she clarified and then exhaled a cloud of smoke, leaning back against the wall as she looked him up and down again. "Great bod, nice face. You look as if you'd be a whole lot more fun to have sex with then what I usually have to suffer and endure my way through."
"Uh, thanks. ... I guess..." Ranma commented as his face slowly flushed under the girl's appreciative scrutiny.
"So, what's your major dysfunction? Girlfriend not giving it to you? No girlfriend to get it from? Or is it boyfriends that gets you going?" she inquired and took another drag from her cancer stick.
"Well..." Ranma hesitated and looked down at the ground for a few moments, wondering if he really should be talking about these kind of things with a complete stranger. Finally he just shrugged and figured 'what the hell'. It wasn't as if it was someone he knew who would be spilling her guts to any of the people he knew. "I don't know much about it, is all." he sighed and limped over to the wall, leaning back against it a meter or so away from the smoking girl. "I've been travelling with pops for the last ten years and never really got to learn about things like that from him. Pops arranged engagements for me which I'm now stuck in and it's... I'm... I've got no clue whatsoever about these things." he admitted.
"Well, what do you want to know?" the girl asked after a few moments of surprised silence.
"I grabbed a few books from the school library, so I guess I know some things. But nuthin' I've read really explains why people take these things so seriously!" Ranma complained.
"I hear you. Way too many people take things like these all too seriously." the girl agreed. "Not that I can complain, though. That makes my line of business a very profitable one." she commented.
"Your line of business?" Ranma asked with a confused expression.
"I'm a prostitute." she said with an uncaring shrug of her shoulders.
"Huh?" Ranma exclaimed with a baffled expression on his face.
"Oh... You really don't know much about these things, do you?" she asked, but didn't wait for a reply. "Well, uh... I..." she stuttered in temporary embarrassment at having to break the boys innocent shell. She took a deep breath, another drag from her cigarette and then slowly exhaled. "I sell sex. People pay me for the privilege of having sex with me." she explained and observed how Ranma's eyes widened, his jaw dropped and he stared at her in baffled astonishment.
"People pay for it?" he asked with a scrounged up forehead when he'd recovered somewhat from the shock of her explanation.
"Sure." she replied with a faint shrug.
"Lots of people?" he asked for clarification.
"Five to ten a night, most nights." she agreed with a faint smile.
"So... You're really good at it?" Ranma ventured.
"No complaints so far." the girl agreed after a few moments.
"Do you think you could teach me?" Ranma asked with an eager expression.
"I'm working now. But if you pay for it, sure." she replied with a faint shrug. "I may even be able to talk the Madame into giving you a discount." she continued with another glance at Ranma, which caused the corners of her lips to curl upwards. "Or we could do it sometime when I'm not working. I'm on the clock now though and have to get back when I've finished this." she offered and nodded at her cigarette. "But I got a few evenings off from time to time, we could do it then."
"That'd be great!" Ranma exclaimed with a happy expression.
"Well, I like the way you look, so tell you want..." the girl said and opened the purse she was carrying, rummaging through it for a few moments until she found a small notepad and a pencil. "Take me out for dinner sometime and I'll give you an evening, 'on the house', back at my place. Here's my number. Call me and we'll set a date for our date." she said with a slight smile. "I'm Hitose Kaede, by the way." she introduced herself as she scribbled down a phone number on the pad along with her name, then tore the paper off and handed it to Ranma.
"Saotome Ranma." Ranma introduced himself and gratefully accepted the scrap of paper. "Thanks."
"No problem. Like I said, you look like you'd be a whole lot more fun then what I usually get. Besides, getting a real date is somewhat of a hassle in my line of work." Kaede replied and took one last drag from her poison of choice, before she let it go and ground it onto the pavement underneath her hot pink high-heeled shoes. "It was nice to meet you, Ranma. Don't forget to call me." she told him.
"Nice to meet you too and I will!" Ranma cheerfully agreed, looking as Kaede sashayed away and slipped back into the building. "Awesome! A professional will tell me about these things!" he exclaimed and let out a whoop of joy, before he started limping back towards the dojo again.
"What?!" Nabiki exclaimed, dabbing at her lips with a paper towel as Ranma stared rather disgruntedly at her from across the table, before he started wiping the coffee Nabiki had sprayed at him off with a paper towel of his own, gesturing for the waiter to bring him more towels. "You're going out with a hooker?!" she hissed just barely loud enough for Ranma to hear her.
"A what?" Ranma asked with a bewildered expression, as he wiped his face off.
"A prostitute. Somebody who has sex with people for money!" Nabiki hissed back at him.
"Sure. She does it all the time, so I figure why bother with some silly movie, when I can learn from a real professional." Ranma replied. "I figure that it's like Martial Arts. You can learn it from a book or movie, but it's much better to have a Master instructing you." he explained and gratefully accepted a bunch of paper towels from the waiter.
"Ranma... Ranma... Ranma..." Nabiki groaned and buried her face in her hands, shaking her head in dismay.
"What? What did I do wrong this time?" Ranma asked and then had to answer a long series of questions from Nabiki about his meeting and arrangement with Kaede after he'd called her earlier.
"I don't think she'll be telling you how to do it. I think it'll be more of a hands-on demonstration." Nabiki said when she'd gotten answers to her questions. As she saw Ranma's baffled expression, she sighed. "She won't tell you about sex, she'll have sex with you." she simplified her earlier statement, which caused Ranma to choke on nothing but air and his eyes to bulge out.
"But... But... But... That's perverted!" Ranma frantically hissed, before his face paled. "Oh no... Akane'll kill me!" he gasped in a strained tone of voice. "Or Ukyo will... Or Shampoo... Or Kodachi... Or pops... Or moms... Well, maybe not her..."
"Yeah. So you had better learn how to keep your cakehole shut and fast. If the wrong people hear about it, you'll be skinned alive, even if you call it off now before she gets here. If Akane so much as hears that you've been talking to a hooker, you're dead." Nabiki explained with a certain amount of vindictive glee that she just barely managed to conceal. "So if you're going to be in mortal danger anyway, you might just as well get something out of it and go through with your little 'date'. Though it's quite a lot more 'out of it' then I first imagined when you came and asked me for that movie."
"Ya think I should still go? Are you insane?!" Ranma hissed. "She thinks I want to have sex with her!"
"Well, you wanted to learn. With a pro guiding you through it, I don't doubt for a second that you'll learn." Nabiki said with a shrug and wry smile. "You of all people should have learned to be careful with what you wish for, Ranma-baby." she teasingly admonished him.
"Nabiki, this isn't funny, so stop kidding around! You've got to help me get out of this!" Ranma hissed and looked around the small cafe with a wild look in his eyes.
"Y'know... At first when I saw you prepare to sneak out of the house, I figured that it probably wasn't all that important, interesting or amusing. I'm glad that I didn't have anything better to do then sneak right out after you and tail you over here. This is way more important, far more interesting and plenty more amusing then your usual stunts." Nabiki commented. "Which means, that it'll be infinitively more profitable... For me." she added with a wide grin.
"Nabiki! Please! Get me out of this!" Ranma pleaded in a low growl. "Now! You can gloat later!"
"Oh, I suppose I could be of some assistance. ... For a modest fee." Nabiki drawled and carefully inspected her fingernails in an absent and uncaring manner.
"Anything!" Ranma promised.
"Now that's just mean... And people have the gall to complain about what I do." a faintly familiar voice sighed and Ranma's eyes widened as the girl at the table next to the one he and Nabiki were seated at turned to look at the two of them. Ranma frowned and tilted his head for a few moments as he looked at her.
"Hitose-san?" Ranma asked hesitantly, not recognizing the girl in front of him, even if the voice was familiar.
"Yes, Saotome-san. It's the wig and the glasses." Kaede replied and fingered the glasses that were now perched on the bridge of her nose. "I wear coloured contacts and a wig when I'm on the clock." she explained and dragged the fingers of her left hand through her hair, which now just barely went down below her jaw, instead of how she had looked when he first saw her, with hair down to her waist.
"Wow..." Ranma said as he looked the girl over again. In the light blue skirt, white shirt and yellow jacket she was wearing, coupled with the shorter hair, glasses and a lighter make-up, he wouldn't have recognized her at all if she hadn't spoken up.
"How long have you been there?" Nabiki asked, annoyed at herself for not being aware of the fact that their conversation had been overheard and that Ranma's 'date' had turned up ten minutes before she was supposed to.
"Long enough." the girl replied and offered a bow in Nabiki's direction. "Hitose Kaede, nice to meet you." she greeted her.
"Tendo Nabiki. Nice to meet you, Hitose-san." Nabiki responded with a bow of her own as Kaede left her seat and moved over to their table, seating herself there with a half-empty cup of espresso.
"So, you were just going to take off and leave me waiting here for you, Saotome-san?" Kaede inquired.
"No. I... Uh... I dunno." Ranma mumbled sheepishly.
"If you didn't want to do 'this' or 'that' with me, you could have just said so. I wasn't going to force you to do it." Kaede gently rebuked Ranma, who blushed and stuttered incomprehensively.
"Ranma-baby isn't the most suave guy in the world when it comes to things like that." Nabiki offered with a smirk directed at Ranma. "In fact, he's probably the second less suave guy in the world when it comes to the opposite sex and intimate relations."
"So I've noticed." Kaede agreed with a faint smile. "So, how come he had to come to me for help? Why not you, Tendo-san?" Kaede asked with a pointed look directed at Nabiki.
"I'm his sister-in-law. ... Well, future sister-in-law, I guess." Nabiki replied.
"So?" Kaede asked with a raised eyebrow. "In my line of work, I've come across it all. I've serviced mother and daughter, I've been with father and son, I've had brothers, sisters, in-laws, parents, best friends, children and co-workers. So what if you're his future sister-in-law? It's certainly not as out there as if you'd been his biological sister and there are always condoms for those kind of things." Kaede inquired, turning both Ranma and Nabiki flushed with embarrassment, as Kaede's forwardness overwhelmed even Nabiki.
"Well... I... It's... I've never..." Nabiki spluttered, before she collected herself. "Me and him? What are you on?" Nabiki asked with a glare directed at Ranma.
"I don't do drugs, other then plain nicotine and the occasional drink." Kaede replied and pulled out a pack of cigarette's from her purse, waving it around for a second before she put it back in there. "People take these kind of things way too seriously." she reflected and took a small dainty sip from her coffee. "So, Saotome-san. You wanna ditch the date altogether or is it just the sex thing which has got you all freaked out?"
"It's a... It's... Ah... Uh... Gah..." Ranma stuttered.
"It's the sex thing." Nabiki replied with a faint shake of her head.
"Figured as much." she sighed and shook her own head. "Still wanna do the date thing, Saotome-san? I did go through the trouble of prepping myself and heading on out here, after all." Kaede asked. "I can even tell you all you need to know about sex, without a 'hands-on' demonstration. ... Unless you want one, of course." she offered.
"You should go." Nabiki suggested. "Like I said, if this gets out you're screwed anyway even if you stop at this point, so you might just as well have some fun first." she pointed out with a toothy grin.
"Nabikiiiii!" Ranma hissed while blushing and twitching nervously.
"You could come too if it's all right with him." Kaede offered with a nod at Nabiki, whose eyes widened in surprise for a few moments, before she started smirking.
"Ranma-baby. If you let me tag along on this... 'Date'... I'll write off your entire debt to me and offer my continued services in your quest for sexual information free of charge!" Nabiki eagerly announced, before her expression grew pensive. "Free for the next two weeks, not including expenses, at least." she amended once she'd thought it through.
Amusement was one thing and seeing Ranma on a 'date' with a hooker would no doubt be incredibly amusing. In fact, it'd probably be the most fun she'd ever have! But there had to be limits, after all.
"You're one too, Tendo-san?" Kaede asked with a surprised expression, which caused Nabiki to cough and her eyes to widen again.
"No!" she hissed.
"Oh. Sorry." Kaede apologised, though she didn't seem terribly concerned about accusing Nabiki of being a prostitute. "Your talk of 'services' and 'free of charge' led me to believe otherwise." she explained and drained the last of her espresso. "So, what do you say, Saotome-san?" she inquired and both girls at the table turned around to stare expectantly at Ranma as they awaited his reply.
"Are you sure that you wouldn't be interested in a job? You could make a bundle!" Kaede enthused.
"Quite sure." Ranma groused.
"That was incredible! I've never seen anything like it!" she kept on raving. "You actually turned into a real girl!"
"So I did. You didn't have to grope me, though..." Ranma grunted, absently rubbing his once-again male chest. "And what was with you?! You did it too. ... Again!" Ranma snapped with a glare directed at Nabiki.
"Well, it's been a while since you first came to our place. Just wanted to see if there's been any developments since." Nabiki replied with an uncaring shrug.
"I'm shivering all over just thinking about it. Are you sure that you won't even consider a career change? You're steaming hot as a guy and mouth-wateringly sexy as a girl. You'd go over incredibly well with most men and women, no matter their sexual orientation! You'd be the belle of the ball! You could be the worlds best!" Kaede said with a sparkle in her eyes.
"The worl..." Ranma started, then shook himself to clear his mind. "No!" he vehemently protested.
"Saotome, you cur!"
"Oh no... Not him... Not now... Not here..." Ranma groaned and looked down at his feet with a defeated expression on his face. Kaede raised an eyebrow and looked over towards the approaching figure. Nabiki put a hand over her mouth and tried her best not to burst out laughing, silently congratulating herself over the decision to tag along. Even if she had to answer sex questions non-stop for the next two weeks free of charge, it had been worth is so far and things were promising to become even more amusing with the addition of Kuno Tatewaki.
"You depraved sorcerer and defiler of women! I knew that your foul ways would one day be revealed for the world to see!" Kuno ranted as he rushed up to the trio. He would have pointed accusingly at Ranma, but couldn't as both his arms were kept busy by holding two enormous brown cardboard boxes that seemed quite heavy, both of them being nearly as tall as Kuno himself. "Are you not satisfied with having sway over both the pig-tailed goddess and the beauteous tigress, now you're also sinking your foul claws into my mercenary classmate and this presently unknown to me fair maiden?!" he angrily demanded.
"Maiden?" Kaede said as if tasting the word, blinking in surprise.
"What is it that makes everyone think that I'd ever demean myself by hooking up with Ranma?" Nabiki asked the world in general.
"Somebody just kill me... Please?" Ranma groaned. /Why me?/ he thought, though he berated himself for actually believing that he could pull this evening off.
The fact that he'd gone through this entire weird 'date' without incident should have tipped him off. He should have just called it off right then and there, instead of offering to follow Kaede home.
Especially as her home was apparently conveniently located in the Red Light District, close to work.
Which was why the three of them were now right smack dab in the middle of just mentioned district, passing through it on the way to Kaede's apartment.
Ranma blinked.
"What are you doing here, Kuno-sempai?" he blurted out with a surprised expression. While Kuno was a complete nut, he wouldn't have expected the older boy to frequent these kind of areas.
"Not that it's any of your business, but I had previously commissioned two statues of my two loves, you foul warlock. The artist has now completed his two masterpieces and as Sasuke is currently engaged in business on my twisted sister's behalf, I nobly decided to fetch these two articles of beauty on my own." Kuno pompously announced.
"An artist who works in this district?" Nabiki asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Indeed. I had to search both long and hard to find the proper artist to properly capture the bare beauty of my twin loves." Kuno responded.
"Oh, gross..." Ranma groaned. "They're naked?" he asked, shivering as he looked at the two cardboard boxes.
"Witless philistine." Kuno snorted. "I should have known that a lower creature such as yourself wouldn't be able to appreciate true art!" he proclaimed. "Now I shall be able to feast my eyes upon the bounteous curves of both Tendo Akane and the pig-tailed girl, unhampered by the obstacles of clothing, to my hearts content!"
"Well, be content and appreciate this, dipshit." Ranma grunted and launched both Kuno and his precious burdens into the air by the way of a powerful uppercut.
Kaede leaned over closer to Nabiki and glanced sidewise at the younger girl, while keeping her eyes fixed on Ranma who was standing shock still, still with his hand raised, panting heavily as he tried to regain his calm.
"Is it always this exciting around Saotome-san?" she stage-whispered to Nabiki.
"You have no idea, Hitose-san." Nabiki grinned as she looked up at the rapidly vanishing Kuno Tatewaki. "No idea at all."
The End! ( For now... )