Author: Carcinya (Isolde on Fanfiction(dot)net)
Author E-mail: carcinya(at)aol(dot)com
Category: Angst
Keywords: Naruto Iruka
Kakashi
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None.
Summary: When he looks at you, he does not see you. Drabble, light KakaIru
Disclaimer: This story is based on situations and characters created
and owned by Masashi Kishimoto, various publishers including but not limited
to TV Tokyo. The song and the plot are mine.
No money is being made and no copyright infringement intended.
Now, now, people. If Naruto was mine, do you really think I'd be sitting at my computer, sipping bad coffee, and writing bad fanfiction? Honestly.
Author's notes: I apologize in advance for any spelling or grammar mistake there might be in this story. I am French, and still only learning the beautiful language that is English. Any comments are welcome, but obviously flames will be used to roast marshmallows. Or flamers.
Very personal drabble. I won't elaborate. lopsided smile I have not been writing anything but my own novel in a long, long while, so bear with me please?
Unbetaed.
"Smile on" - Iruka (435 words)
When he looks at you, he does not see you. Throat tight but back straight, you pretend not to notice. The sharp, quiet violence of being denied existence makes you want to lash out, to scream yourself hoarse, until the other has no other choice but to acknowledge your exasperating presence.
But you do not. You will not. Why would you?
Humiliation is nothing to you. As a child, you were the class clown, the prankster, the cheeky grinning brat that would not listen to a word the grown-ups said. You are used to being made a fool of -- in any other circumstances, you would rather be mocked than not exist. In your twenty-two years of life, you have experienced both, and you know, without the shadow of a doubt, which is more painful.
But, somehow, you cannot bear the thought of this man -- older, wiser, stronger -- making fun of you behind your back.
And so you smile.
You know this is hopeless. You have enough experience, enough lucidity to know it. And yet, nothing short of death could make you take your eyes off him. Nothing can make you stop smiling. Not your parents' death, not Mizuki's betrayal, not even this man.
You love him the way you love life - too much, too hard.
Every time you look at him, every time he does not see you, the pain in your chest comes into sharp focus and leaves you reeling with intense, unexplainable longing, crushed with regrets.
Every single time, a treacherous little voice in your head murmurs, "What if...?", and you find yourself smiling at him -- fool that you are -- as if something as simple as a smile could make a difference, when you know with acute clarity that it will not.
A prisoner of hope, beaming in the face of indifference. Because this is life, harsh and unfair and breathtakingly beautiful -- something to be treasured, enjoyed and loved. There is only one way out, that comes both too soon and too late. No matter how much it hurts now, the pain will subside in time, then fade altogether. It always does. This is one of the hard-earned lessons of your childhood, a certainty engraved in your heart.
Nothing lasts forever.
What most people view as sad and unfair, you have come to consider a mercy.
For this is the only reason you are still alive.
"Thank you for your hard work, Kakashi-san," you say, with a neat bow. Picture-perfect. Hidden behind the cheery facade, you try not to feel.
He looks away.
And you smile.
-- end --
Feedback very much welcome as usual! I might post Kakashi's POV next week, depending on my schedule.