The Millennium Spork

(A fanfic parody by Lucidscreamer)

Disclaimer: Yugioh is the property of its talented creator, Kazuki Takahashi. The badfic situations and characterizations are based on or extrapolated from actual badfic and no one in their right mind would claim those. The mangling of certain characters' names is also taken directly from multiple badfics.

Author's Note: I've cleaned up some typos and stray punctuation. The site did some funky things (such as running words together, cutting some words and punctuation out altogether, and breaking sentences) that I've hopefully corrected this time around. I've made some minor revisions to the actual content, as well, since I wasn't happy with the flow of the story in some places.

Please remember that the opinions expressed by the characters do not necessarily reflect those of the author.

Thanks to Dragondancer for beta reading!

Chapter 1: Enter the Idiots

The Kaiba Estate, just outside Domino City

It was a dark and stormy night. Seto Kaiba awoke with the uneasy feeling that something was wrong besides the clichéd weather. Something far more dangerous - or, at the very least, far more annoying, since it was disturbing his beauty sleep.

Lying unmoving on the king-sized bed, he peered through slitted eyelids at his darkened bedroom. Moonlight from a gap in the curtains gave just enough illumination for him to see the room clearly. The silver briefcase containing his spare Duel Monsters cards was on the floor beside the bed. His beloved Blue-Eyes White Dragons - and the rest of his deck - were safely tucked into their own case, which was hidden beneath his pillow. Across the room, a Duel Disk Mark II lay atop an antique dresser. On the nightstand beside his bed, lay the book (Sun Tzu's The Art of War) that he had been reading earlier. Satisfied that everything was as he had left it, he closed his eyes and tried to force his body to relax, concentrating on each muscle group until the tension had eased. But sleep eluded him.

His mind wandered and he found himself going over his work schedule. He contemplated the problem of what to get Mokuba for his birthday, then considered the even more pressing problem of how to put a several-thousand-years-old, ancient Egyptian Pharaoh in his place. Finally, he found himself wondering what the fanfic writers were up to. That last one gave him pause. Why was he thinking about the fanfic writers? As a rule, he tried not to.

Frankly, some of them scared him.

"You can say that again," mused a disturbingly familiar voice, from uncomfortably close to his left ear.

"Gah!" Seto flailed as he shot straight up - and right off the bed. He tumbled to the floor with a loud, and rather painful, thud. Cursing, he untangled his legs from the covers and scrambled to his feet, falling instinctively into a fighting stance. It was pretty impressive, despite the silk pajamas with the little Blue-Eyes White Dragon embroidered on the pocket.

"How the hell did you get in here?" he demanded, glaring at the figure lounging on his bed. In the dim moonlight, all he could make out was the slender silhouette of a man leaning against the headboard, long legs stretched out in front of him and crossed casually at the ankles.

"That's... complicated," the figure said, rising.

Standing, he was easily as tall as Seto. In fact… Seto squinted. The intruder was exactly as tall as Seto.

A terrible suspicion beginning to form at the back of his mind, Seto edged toward the bedside lamp. Already, he was writing out mental pink slips for his security staff. What was he paying those clowns for if they allowed random psychos to wander unchallenged into his bedroom in the middle of the night? The only random psycho he was even remotely interested in allowing anywhere near himself was Yami Yugi. That particular random psycho Seto was willing to duel anytime, anywhere - including his bedroom in the middle of the night. Why else keep his spare cards and a Duel Disk close at hand while he was asleep? (Yes, Seto was obsessed. This was not news to anyone, least of all Seto.) He would beat Yami and win back his title if it was the last thing he ever did! But that was all he was interested in from Yami. No matter what those crazed yaoi ficcers insisted upon writing.

Speaking of insane fanfic writers… This was almost as bad as the time Security had let a Mary Sue through the front gates. She had made it all the way to the front door of the mansion before the automated Mary Sue detection system (which Seto had been forced to design in sheer self-defense) kicked in and dealt with the problem. Not even a Mary Sue could withstand a Blue-Eyes' Neutron Burst attack at point-blank range.

Seto fumbled for the lamp's switch, clicked on the light and, as his eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, found his second-worst nightmare had come to life and was staring at him with his own blue eyes.

Well, shit. Seto groaned. "Please tell me you're not a yami."

"Uh, no." The intruder grinned. "My name's Seto Kiaba. I'm your badfic stand-in."

It was even worse than he had thought.

Scowling, Seto reached for his deck.

-o-

Across town at the Kame Game Shop

Yugi Mutou woke from a sound sleep (and a rather pleasant dream involving himself, Téa, and an industrial-sized vat of strawberry-flavored whipped cream) to the sound of someone crying.

Correction, he thought grumpily, as the noises ratcheted up several notches on the decibel (and angst) scale. Someone sobbing his heart out.

Sitting up, he fumbled for the bedside lamp. When the light came on, the sight that greeted his eyes was enough to make him wish it hadn't.

Huddled on the floor by Yugi's desk was the small figure of a boy. The boy had messy, multi-colored hair, torn clothes, and a familiar golden object hanging from a chain around his neck. He lifted his sweet round face for a moment; it was covered in bruises and wet with tears. The pitiful boy sniffled and buried his face back in the crook of his folded arms, which rested on his drawn-up knees. He was the most pathetic creature Yugi had ever seen - and that included all the times he'd looked in the mirror to patch himself up after some bully had used him for a punching bag.

Yugi frowned. He was missing the ending of his favorite Téa-and-whipped-cream dream for this?

He did the only sensible thing he could do. He summoned up Yami to deal with the miserable little wretch, retreated to the sanctity of his own soul room - and went back to sleep. With any luck, he could get back to his dream in time for Mai to show up with the chocolate sauce.