A/N: Part deux. Two things: One, I really dislike the title I've given this piece, but I have no other title ideas so it stays. Two, I feel like parts of this chapter are strong and parts are not so strong. Three, (yeah, I said there were two, but there are three) I guess this will have another part. It kind of has to. I can't just have him going off to California and then no follow up. So, I'll deal with California and then it will probably be done. And so on that note, here it is. Later: Uh, reading over this again I realized there was a major flaw in that I never had Jess explain to Rory where he was going or why. So, I just added a little bit to it to solve that problem.
The note went like this:
Jess,
Sorry I'm not here. You wouldn't wake up and you were finally sleeping peacefully. Did you know that almost half of the night you were talking in your sleep? You kept saying something about your dad or just moaning. Don't worry. I didn't mind staying up and watching you. Anyway, I'll probably see you later today.
Rory
And then there was empty space until at the very bottom of the scrap of paper she wrote:
I love you.
I had dreamt of my father. Having never known his face, he appeared as a shadow. A shape made of darkness that stood before me without saying a word. I was desperate for a home in the dream, begging him. I kept saying, "Just let me stay. Just…" He remained silent and I could smell saltwater in the air though we were surrounded by nothing but an infinite whiteness. Suddenly, he was replaced by Luke and we were in the diner. He said to me as he placed a pencil behind his ear, "You don't need him." To which I replied with an unfailing insistence, "I do. I need to know him." And I remembered drowning, the saltwater I had smelled before was hitting the back of my throat and it stung. I still felt that sting when I awoke the next morning.
I didn't actually get out of bed for another hour, not until Luke came barreling up the stairs. He burst through the door, yelling. "Jess!"
I sat up slightly and looked at him. "What do you want? Do you have to yell like that? Jeez."
"Why did I come up here this morning to find you half naked in bed and Rory coming out of the shower?"
I sighed. "Luke, calm down." I threw him a look. "You didn't see her naked, did you?" When his face burned red, I decided to tell him the truth, for unknown reasons. "Yes, we slept together. No, I didn't force myself on her. Yes, we were perfectly safe."
He stood there, blinking rapidly as he looked down at me. "I can't believe you!" He threw his hands up in the air for dramatic effect.
"Seriously, Luke. It was bound to happen sooner or later. We both decided that now was the time. I wouldn't have done it if she didn't want it…She practically forced it on me." I was smirking at how uncomfortable this was obviously making him.
"Jess…"
I conceded and said to him, "Luke, it's okay. We were ready for it."
He gave a short laugh and then his face turned serious again. "You love her?" He said this with a tone of warning.
I merely nodded in response. A slow, solemn nod. And he walked back out of the apartment.
I thought about the dream I had for the entirety of the day. I kept replaying it in my mind. The shadow of my father looking down at me as I pleaded with him, Luke's face when he told me I didn't need my father, the hopelessness I felt as the water consumed me. I took numerous breaks that day, just to go to the bathroom and put my face in my hands. Just to look in the mirror and be sure I was still there. I had this overwhelming feeling that I was disappearing.
This mood was not helped by a man who decided he wanted to live and die in the diner. He took over table six and refused to leave. He sat there, drinking coffee for hours it seemed. His presence was off putting. He kept watching me as I moved around the diner. Eventually, he vanished and I was grateful. Of course he didn't leave a tip.
Rory came to the diner just before the funeral for Fran Weston. She was wearing a somber black dress and when she saw me behind the counter she smiled through the window. I smiled back and she came into the diner, the bell on the door ringing to announce her presence. She kissed me across the counter. I felt her teeth against my mouth as she started to smile halfway through the kiss.
"How are you?" But, this was not just a casual greeting. This was a serious inquiry regarding my current mental state.
I hesitated, eyeing the curtain that led to the apartment. I told her in a low voice, "I had a dream about my dad last night. I…It was strange."
I heard Luke coming down the stairs and stopped talking immediately. He was adjusting his tie and he smiled gently at Rory. "Hey, Rory." His voice, however, was ridden with awkwardness as he was no doubt thinking about the fact that last night I had sex with this girl in his apartment.
She was oblivious. "Hey, Luke. Going to the funeral?"
"Yeah. Just about to head on over."
"Me, too." She looked back at me, concern flashing through her eyes.
Luke noticed and said, "Well, I'll see you there." And walked out the door.
She had my hand in hers on the counter and was watching our fingers coming together. "Tell me about the dream."
I brought my free hand up to my forehead and rubbed vigorously. "There was a beach and he was there. I was begging him to let me stay, but he didn't say anything and then Luke was there, saying that I didn't need my father. I kept saying that I needed to know him…It was…I don't know what it was, to be honest." I let out a breath, closing my eyes and bringing my other hand to hers.
"It sounds to me like you just want to meet your dad, get to know him. Not that you want him to be your father. You just…want to understand him." She said it easily as though it were completely obvious.
I shook my head. "Maybe you're right…I don't know."
She kissed me saying, "I love you." before her mouth had completely left mine.
After she left, I went upstairs. I saw the light on the answering machine blinking and without a thought pressed the play button.
The voice that filled the room was an unfamiliar one and I froze in the middle of the apartment as I listened. The voice said: "Luke. It's Jimmy. Uh, I was just calling to apologize for even coming here in the first place, for wanting to see my son. What a ridiculous idea, right? Wanting to see the son I never knew? You're right. I'm a loser. So, I'm going back to California. You don't even have to tell him I was here, if you don't want to."
And then he hung up with the loud sound of plastic against plastic as he slammed the phone into its cradle. I almost fell over, but I somehow managed to steady myself. I was breathing heavily and I quickly sat down at the kitchen table. Why everything was happening all at once, was beyond me. I felt a pressure pushing down on me, causing a headache to form behind my eyes.
I hated Luke at that moment. I hated him for keeping this from me, for not letting me have the chance to see my father. It wasn't his place to make these decisions for me. I had to find out for myself just what sort of loser my father really was. I hated him too. Jimmy. I hadn't known his name, not until now. My mother never talked about him or mentioned his name. When I would ask about him, she would start to cry. So, I learned not to bring it up.
I went back down to the diner, hoping to find something to preoccupy myself with. I took a walk. Really, I walked across the square to the church to wait for the funeral to end. I sat on the church steps and let the hopelessness consume me. No, it wasn't hopelessness, it was something else. It was the burden of so many unanswered questions that was weighing down on me. I let it push and push until my hands started to shake and I fumbled in my jacket pocket for cigarettes I knew weren't there anymore.
He was the first one out and I stopped him before he could make it down three steps. I stood in his way and said, "So, had any surprise visits lately?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," he said and tried to walk past me, but I blocked him again.
"You do know what I'm talking about. My father was here. Don't you think I deserve to know when my father shows up? Don't you think I have a right to see him?"
"Jess, you don't need to see him. He's nothing but a loser who abandoned you. I didn't want him to cause any more trouble for you. I just wanted him to leave."
"Well, gee, thanks. Thanks for asking me what I thought about it." I shoved my hands in my pockets and turned away from him.
I was halfway across the street when he called out to me again, "Jess." I turned around just to roll my eyes at him and continue walking.
Rory ran up to me then, her hand reaching out for my arm. "Jess, what's going on?"
"Nothing." I shrugged her hand off of my arm and walked faster.
"Jess…"
I stopped short and turned to her, "It's nothing, Rory. Just leave me alone. It doesn't concern you."
I started walking again and she didn't follow.
I entered the apartment with an anger I had never known. It was the anger of all eighteen years of my life finally coming to a boiling point. I found my duffel bag and started shoving things into it. I didn't even bother to look at what I was shoving into it, just anything that was in my way.
When I had finished, I sat down on the bed and ran my hands over my face. I looked up and Luke was standing over me, hands on his hips.
"So, what? You're leaving?"
I was silent.
"Fine. Leave. Go after your jackass father. Although, I wouldn't even use that word to describe him." He clarified, "Father, that is. I would definitely describe him as a jackass."
I looked down at the floor. "You should probably know that I'm not going to graduate."
"Big surprise," he snorted.
"Why is this such a big deal to you?"
"Because, Jess, you're running off to see the father who left you when you were born! Does that seem like the smart thing to do? He could care less about you. He's a loser, Jess. You don't need him in your life."
I closed my eyes, hearing my dream from the previous night echoing in my head. "I just want to know him, ask him the questions I've had in my head for years." I was speaking slowly and softly.
"Fine! Go to California!"
I was beginning to think that his anger had little to do with me going to California. I was beginning to think that it had little to do with me at all. I laughed. "Are you jealous?"
He looked away and started wringing his hands. "No, I'm not jealous. What do I have to be jealous about?"
"I think you're afraid Jimmy's going to replace you as my father figure. I think you're afraid I won't come back." I grinned at him. "I think you're going to miss me."
"I am definitely not going to miss you. In fact, I'm going to celebrate once you're gone." He paused and now it was his turn to grin at me. "You think of me as a father figure?"
I looked down at my bag and started to throw more random items into it. "I should probably get going. I think there's a bus at 7:30 that I can take."
"You do. You want me to be your daddy." His grin had turned into outright laughter.
"Plus, I should probably talk to Rory about this."
I picked up the bag and slung it over my shoulder. Before I made it to the door, Luke stopped me with a hand on my shoulder. I turned to face him.
He said with his gruff, stiff voice, "Hey, come back, alright? Do what you have to do, but come back."
I nodded. "Yeah. Sure."
I turned to leave again and again he stopped me. This time with his voice not his hand. "And, hey, Jess? I…Nah, forget it."
"Sentimental moments really aren't our thing, huh?"
"Not at all." But, before I could turn towards the door once more, he grabbed me by the arm and pulled me into a rough hug. I didn't react at first, but soon I let my hands pat him awkwardly on the back. He released me and said, "Let's not do that again."
"Agreed."
I walked to her house, watching my feet the entire time. I was marveling at their ability to move one in front of the other while my brain was thinking of anything but walking. There were no cars in front of her house, but I knocked on the door with hopes that her mother was gone and she was here alone. She was and she opened the door wearing pajamas. I smiled at her, but it faltered when I saw her glance at my duffel bag.
"Oh," she said and turned from the door, leaving it open as her invitation to me. I sighed and crossed the threshold.
I tossed the bag in the corner by the door and found her in her bedroom. She was folding clothes and putting them in her dresser. "Laundry night?"
She didn't smile or acknowledge me in any way besides looking at me as she walked back across the room to the pile of fresh laundry. I saw tears on her face, but didn't hear any noise nor did I see her face contort in any way that would indicate she was actually crying. But, there were tears. And she wasn't wiping them away. She let them fall onto her clothes. She let them drip down to her chin.
I finally moved into the room, a great amount of effort being needed to push myself off of the doorjamb. I touch her face gently and she didn't pull away like I expected. She turned into my hand and buried her face there, pressing her forehead against my rough palm. I brought my other hand up and touched her hair. She moved closer to me, her body against mine, her weight leaning on me. Her arms went around my waist. I felt her voice against my chest then, "Where?"
"California. My dad. He was here…I just…" I saw his shadow then, the form of darkness that he came in. It saw it in the mirror over her dresser. I closed my eyes.
"I get it, Jess."
I said softly, "It's only temporary. I'm coming back. Just for the summer, maybe."
She didn't look up at me. She buried her face in my chest and started to cry loudly. It frightened me and I pressed my hands against the small of her back as some sort of comfort. She was trying to speak, tears and the fabric of my shirt muffling her voice, "I know you'll come back. I just…Why now? Why…now?"
She finally looked up at me and spoke more clearly, "Things are good now. I was so afraid before that they wouldn't be. That you would continue to be distant and cold and not tell me things. I was so afraid that I had made a huge mistake, choosing you. But, then the other night happened and I realized that I shouldn't be afraid. And now, you're leaving and I can't help but be a little afraid that you won't come back."
"I came back before, didn't I?" I kissed her lightly. She pressed harder, though. The kiss became desperate and full of longing.
"I love you," she let it out with a breath when she pulled away.
I kissed her again. "I love you, too."
"When are you leaving?" Sadness crept back into her voice when she asked this question.
"Soon. Tonight. I came here to say goodbye." Her face began to crinkle up as though she were going to cry. "Just for a little while."
"So, what? Do we break up?" She asked, sniffling slightly.
I laughed out loud at this. "No. Definitely not." I eyed her. "Unless you want to…"
"I don't. I'll wait." She kissed me and our mouths lingered together, unmoving, for a few seconds.
The sound of the door pulled us from our embrace. The sound of her mother's voice came from the foyer, "Rory? You here?"
She walked into the kitchen and peered into the bedroom. She saw us there, standing close to each other, Rory with her tear soaked face, me with my hands on her waist. "Oh, Jess. Hi. I didn't realize you were…And that you guys…Okay. I'm just going to go, uh, do some…gardening. Outside, away from…Okay." And with that she walked out of the house.
I groaned. "Oh, God. Did you tell her?"
"Of course, I told her."
"Jeez…"
"You know, one of the advantages of telling your mother about your sex life is that she is much more accommodating when it comes to things of that nature…" She had a coy smile on her face as she brought it closer to mine.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah." And once again, she kissed me hard on the mouth. This time her hands were under my shirt before I had a chance to respond to the kiss. Her fingernails trailed along the bare skin of my back and I instinctively pulled her closer to me, pressing the length of her body against mine.
As we fell back onto the bed, I noticed the clock. "Shit," I mumbled against her mouth.
"What?" She was out of breath and I kissed her again.
"The bus leaves in half an hour…"
"Plenty of time." Her mouth found my neck and I felt her tongue against my skin.
I pushed her away, despite what my body was telling me at the time. "No, Rory, as much as I want to do this right now…I have to catch my bus."
"Leave tomorrow morning." She had her hand on my thigh. I looked at it and tried to ignore the feeling of desire that was burning in the pit of my stomach. She looked at me and pouted. "Please?"
"Okay."
I spent the night in her bed. A bed that is entirely too small for two people. She had one leg thrown across me and her body close to mine. At some point in the night, I heard her mother peek in and I tried not to move or breathe. I thanked myself for having covered my body sufficiently with the blanket. I heard her mother sigh and walk into the kitchen.
I didn't know why I was getting up, but I felt compelled to. I got out of bed and slipped on my pants and shirt. I walked quietly out of the room so as not to disturb Rory.
Lorelai was sitting at the kitchen table, staring down into her mug filled with coffee. She heard my feet shuffling against the floor and looked up at me.
I scratched my head and said, "Uh, so this is awkward, huh?"
"Oh yeah." She wasn't looking at me, not wanting to see her daughter's boyfriend so shortly after he had slept with said daughter.
I sat at the table across from her. I folded my hands in front of me and focused my attention on them.
"You want some coffee?"
I shook my head. "I'm not a big coffee drinker." We were talking softly and I glanced into the dark bedroom to see if Rory had woken up at all. I could see the lump that was her body and it remained in the position I had left it in.
"Look, Jess, I don't really know what to say here…."
"Yeah, me neither." I shifted in my chair, wishing I had taken the coffee. It would've given me something to do with my hands. Something to preoccupy me.
"Do you love her? I mean, she told me you did, but I want to hear it come from you."
I met her eyes. "I love her." I put my face in my hands and breathed loudly. "It's liberating, you know? I mean, so much of my life was spent fighting the act of feeling anything at all. And now…I'm…" I let out a laugh. "I'm sitting in my girlfriend's kitchen at three in the morning talking to her mother about love…"
"I know we haven't always gotten along, but you make her so happy. And here's a huge boost to your ego, I'm sure, I think you make her happier than Dean ever did. Maybe it's a different sort of happy, but she comes home from being with you and just smiles." She reached across the table and placed a hand on my forearm. It wasn't uncomfortable. Her touch was warm and gentle and the sort of touch you expect from a mother. The sort of touch I never received from my own mother. "You make Luke happy, too." She paused, thinking for a moment. "Wow."
"Wow what?"
"Nothing…Just…I realized you make two of the most important people in my life happy and here I am spending so much time hating you."
I stared down at my lap. "I don't blame you for hating me. As happy as I make Rory and Luke, I also put them through a lot of shit."
She nodded smugly. "This is true."
There was an awkward pause then. I was watching her face and she was looking down at her hands. I said, "I'm leaving tomorrow."
"Oh?"
"For California. That's where my dad is…" She still looked slightly confused, so I continued to explain. "The dad I never knew, who abandoned me. I guess this is sort of a self discovery thing."
She smiled warmly at me. "Well, good…That's good, Jess." Then, her smile fell. "Have you told Rory?"
"Yeah. She was upset, but she understands."
"That's Rory."
I nodded in agreement. "I should get back to bed. Got a big day ahead of me."
"Oh, yeah. Sure. It was good talking to you like this, Jess."
I smiled at her and went back into the bedroom, closing the door quietly behind me. I crawled back into bed, but couldn't fall asleep. The possibilities of the following day loomed outside of her window along with the moon and I concentrated on the light reflecting against her hair and eyes. She stirred a bit when she felt my weight on the bed, but her eyes remained closed. I pressed my lips softly against her bare shoulder.
In the morning, she was awake before me again. Only this time she didn't leave. I woke up to find her propped up on her elbow, watching my face. She said, "Good morning, sunshine." And then she frowned a little. "Your eyes move a lot when you're sleeping. What do you dream about?"
I turned on my side so I was facing her. "Rainbows." And I smiled fully at her as she laughed. "So, no talking or incoherent moaning in my sleep last night?"
"Not to my knowledge."
"Good." I stretched and then got out of bed. She was looking at me strangely. "What?"
"Why are you fully dressed?"
I looked down and suddenly remembered last night's rendezvous with her mother. "I got up last night and thought it would be wise to be dressed before leaving the room." And then, "I was thirsty." To clarify my reasons for being up.
She walked me to the bus station despite my pleas for her to stay home. I didn't want to drag this goodbye out. In fact, I didn't want to say goodbye at all. I told her this and she asked me why, to which I responded, "Well, last time I left without saying goodbye you came after me."
"Yeah, I might come after you anyway. Don't let LA swallow you whole." She was leaning against me as we waited for the bus.
"I'll try not to."
The bus pulled up and she looked at me sadly. "Call me. Write me. Whatever. Just…don't disappear."
I didn't kiss her. I pulled her to me and held her tightly for a few seconds, trying to memorize the feel of her body against mine, the way she smelled, the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed. I let her go and said, "Look, Rory, I love you." I had a hold of her hand and I watched it as a squeezed it too tight. "Too much, probably. I just…Don't be afraid that I won't come back. I will. I promise."
She merely nodded and watched as I got on the bus. I did the clichéd thing. I watched her from the window as she slowly diminished into a unrecognizable blur of colors. When she was finally gone, I turned to the book in my hands and tried to read. But, I was thinking about California. I was thinking about my father. About the family he might have there. About the life he has there. I was thinking about what would happen once I got there. The truth was, I was terrified.